New girlfriend wants to contact her ex

DannyB2016 · 20-03-2016 11:38AM #1

Hello all,

First time poster here (be gentle

I've been seeing this girl for a few months now. It's going really well, and she seems into me.

However, she was going out with this guy for years. They broke up about 8 months ago. By all accounts he didn't treat her well and it was toxic towards the end.

She does talk about him a lot, and seems to be still working out in her head what went wrong, and why she stayed for so long.

She mentioned before that she would like to put some questions to him, and i thought nothing of it.

Anyway, she is working near him today and casually mentioned that she might drop into his place for a chat.

I was kindof caught off guard and froze up a little. I said something to the effect of - if i were to pop into my ex for a chat how would she feel?

She assured me that i am so much better than this guy, that she loves me, and she is not attracted to him. Is seeking some sort of closure it seems?

She didn't want to leave me all jealous, and assured me i had nothing to worry about. That if i didn't want her to she wouldn't meet him.

At this stage, my insides had gone to jelly and i had clammed up.

I didn't want to appear to be the jealous type so i didn't go overboard, but managed to convey how i felt.

We parted on a slightly awkward note earlier and haven't been in contact since.

I'm kindof mentally preparing myself for the worst here.

Like - why tell me this? To be open and honest? Or to unconsciously let me know that she is still in love with this guy?

I feel like i can't really say anything though in case the 'jealousy' card is thrown at me. So i'm going to see how it plays out.

Inwardly i'm in turmoil.

Am i over reacting?
Should i be concerned?

Thanks in advance!

magneticimpulse · 20-03-2016 11:46AM

Appears she didn't take any break to get over her ex if she only broke up 8 months ago and you've been in a relationship for months now.

If she had no interest in her ex and was over him there would be no need to ask him any closure questions or to have anything to do with him. Even if she felt the need why would she tell you? Sounds like a head wreck situation and a way to mess with your head.

CaraMay · 20-03-2016 11:50AM

Yeah I don't know why she would tell you if not to seek attention. Sounds like she isn't over him and is messing with your head.

DannyB2016 · 20-03-2016 12:31PM

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah I don't know why she would tell you if not to seek attention. Sounds like she isn't over him and is messing with your head.

He was bad news. Treated her appallingly. Yet she is still seeking some form of validation from him?

She nonchalantly mentioned that she might call into him 'depending how she feels after work'.

She says she hasn't seen him since we got together and wants to put him in the picture (even though she already claims to have done so?)

She also mentioned that when she called around to him in he past it was to try and get him to sleep with her (nice)

In the same breath she assures me that i have nothing to fear, that i am so much better than him etc?

I don't want to appear insecure, but having this dumped in my lap has my head wrecked.

CaraMay · 20-03-2016 12:38PM

To be head wrecked by this doesn't mean you are insecure. She's changed her story about him knowing and is looking for excuses to meet him which are flimsy at best. If it were me, I would take a break from her as she seems all over the place

ivytwine · 20-03-2016 01:03PM

In my opinion you have been very tolerant so far. It's not jealousy to be upset by this, it's completely normal.

She isn't at all over him, and it's unfair on you for her to be in a relationship when she's still processing this.

Pink Fairy · 20-03-2016 01:06PM

There is no real reason for her to call into her ex if the relationship ended and she is over him, chances are there has been some recent contact and this is her excuse to go see him and try to rekindle the romance.
Whatever happens, it's not going to go well for you I'm afraid.

DannyB2016 · 20-03-2016 01:09PM

Pink Fairy wrote: »

There is no real reason for her to call into her ex if the relationship ended and she is over him, chances are there has been some recent contact and this is her excuse to go see him and try to rekindle the romance.
Whatever happens, it's not going to go well for you I'm afraid.

Yeah, you're right..

Annoyed at myself though - should have seen this coming?

Alf Veedersane · 20-03-2016 01:19PM

It sounds similar to a situation I was in once upon a time.

Long story short, she met an ex (though by accident) and while nothing happened, she realised she wasn't properly over him and put her feelings for me in a new context. Needless to say it ended.

That's not to say that the end result will be similar and only you can get a feeling for it all but just have your eyes open, OP, and best of luck regardless

CaraMay · 20-03-2016 01:25PM

DannyB2016 wrote: »

Yeah, you're right..

Annoyed at myself though - should have seen this coming?

No I don't think you could / should. I don't see why you are beating yourself up. She's the one acting oddly

tikkahunter · 20-03-2016 01:28PM

Yep he is going to knock the hole off her im afraid and that's what she wants ,why else would she want to see him. I'd ring her now and give her the gate,if she doesn't care you know you got in there first ,if she cares she won't go see him. I'd say she won't care,not a reflection on you but she wants him that's the only reason she wants to see him.

mada82 · 20-03-2016 01:42PM

Why didn't she pose these questions when she was still single.

Why can't she call him with these questions?

Why does she even need to ask any questions?

Sounds similar to another active thread here st the moment.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it myself.
Stay away from drama queen head wreckers in future.

batmanrobin · 20-03-2016 02:12PM

Run far and run fast!

As everyone has already said, there's no need for any of this if she was truly past it. People do the meet up with the ex thing when one or both are trying to figure out whether there's any interest on either side.

You don't need the head wreck!

DannyB2016 · 20-03-2016 02:13PM

mada82 wrote: »

Why didn't she pose these questions when she was still single.

Why can't she call him with these questions?

Why does she even need to ask any questions?

Sounds similar to another active thread here st the moment.

I've been asking myself this all day?

I was blindsided by what happened earlier.
We were after spending the weekend together, during which her interest level was sky high.

Then its a case of - 'So, i'll be working 3 mins away from my ex today. I think i'll call in and say hello, wearing this revealing outfit. But there's nothing to worry about!'

I'm annoyed that i allowed myself to be fooled?

And its hard to say anything without the 'jealousy' card being thrown in your face, you just have to bite your tongue.

batmanrobin · 20-03-2016 02:16PM

DannyB2016 wrote: »

And its hard to say anything without the 'jealousy' card being thrown in your face, you just have to bite your tongue.

You're not being jealous. Your response is perfectly valid. She's behaving inappropriately. Nor do you have to bite your tongue! Tell her it's not acceptable for you.

CaraMay · 20-03-2016 02:18PM

It seems like you are going to let this happen rather than being seen as jealous? Tbh it would be a deal breaker for me. The intent is there.

DannyB2016 · 20-03-2016 02:26PM

CaraMay wrote: »

It seems like you are going to let this happen rather than being seen as jealous? Tbh it would be a deal breaker for me. The intent is there.

She's been quite aloof since this morning.

It's like it finally dawned on her that she has to let this guy go, and resents me for it?

She knows how i feel. I said i don't want her to meet him. If i say anything else it will just blow up in my face.

If she meets him, we're done. But I can't see it going any further tbh.

I'm just reeling from the manner in which it went from being all lovey dovey to this?

I spite of myself i can't move from bed here, not good...

beks101 · 20-03-2016 02:35PM

DannyB2016 wrote: »

I'm just reeling from the manner in which it went from being all lovey dovey to this?

Rebound relationship. That's what you are. The bandaid to apply over the heartache from the previous guy.

This is classic rebound behaviour from her - throw yourself head first into someone new to convince all and sundry that you are totally over your ex, incessantly talk about said ex, trash talk him, ramp up the affection with new guy, crash and burn.

Honestly OP, I've got a few exes that I'd once upon a time have wanted to hold up in front of a firing squad while I shouted blue murder at them. When you're secure and happy with someone new though, those feelings tend to dissipate fairly quickly. You just become entirely "Meh" about them. They are irrelevant.

There's nothing Meh about having to meet your ex for closure.

DannyB2016 · 20-03-2016 02:42PM

Thanks for the replies folks!

Had a fair few light bulb moments here..

Any advice on what i should say to her?

(If anything?)

needhelpguy · 20-03-2016 02:51PM

DannyB2016 wrote: »

She's been quite aloof since this morning.

It's like it finally dawned on her that she has to let this guy go, and resents me for it?

She knows how i feel. I said i don't want her to meet him. If i say anything else it will just blow up in my face.

If she meets him, we're done. But I can't see it going any further tbh.

I'm just reeling from the manner in which it went from being all lovey dovey to this?

I spite of myself i can't move from bed here, not good...

Classic rebound mate. Sorry to hear. She is nowhere near over her ex. In fact she's probably subconsciously looking to get back with him.

I'd sit her down and have a frank talk about it. Though to be honest you probably know yourself which way this relationship is gonna go.

CaraMay · 20-03-2016 02:53PM

I would just get myself out of there right now. Why would you stay with someone who is annoyed with you for stopping her seeing her ex?

DannyB2016 · 20-03-2016 05:18PM

Have barely heard from her today when she's usually blowing up my phone?

The writing is on the wall alright but I don't understand her behaviour?
From hot to cold in a heartbeat.

When she told me she wanted to meet with her ex i reacted calmly, half jokingly almost.
But left her in no doubt that i wasn't happy.

This seems to have ticked her off somewhat?
Like i was supposed to be ok with this?

I've been down this route before and it messed me up for ages.
Just can't believe I've let it happen again.. silly me

Keane2baMused · 20-03-2016 05:26PM

This girl is still hung up on the ex. Walk away with your head held high and don't look back.

You deserve so much better.

magneticimpulse · 20-03-2016 05:32PM

Doesnt matter that you reacted calm to what she said. She is still thinking about her ex. Whatever why you treat her and communicate with her is not going to matter as long as she still has feelings for him (which she does by wanting to see him again). If she told him she wants to see him, imagine how she actually feels deep down and is keeping to herself?

Texas Jack · 20-03-2016 05:46PM

What about messaging her ex and aaking him what the hell he wants?

CaraMay · 20-03-2016 05:47PM

Texas Jack wrote: »

What about messaging her ex and aaking him what the hell he wants?

No way! That's none of your business.

Texas Jack · 20-03-2016 06:09PM

CaraMay wrote: »

No way! That's none of your business.

Course it's his business

This guy is intruding on his girlfriend, irrespective of their past, and he's bang out of order

beks101 · 20-03-2016 06:18PM

Texas Jack wrote: »

This guy is intruding on his girlfriend, irrespective of their past, and he's bang out of order

No, his girlfriend is talking about calling over to see her ex, without any mention of the ex's role in any meeting.

Yeah, maybe he'd be thrilled to reel her in and coax her away from her current partner, or maybe he's not interested at all, who knows.

The point is that his girlfriend is even reel-able in the first place. It's HER place to tell her ex to get stuffed if he's making any advances towards her, not the OP's. The issue is with her and her level of loyalty to her OH; not her ex and his asshole tendencies.

Alf Veedersane · 20-03-2016 06:29PM

Texas Jack wrote: »

What about messaging her ex and aaking him what the hell he wants?

He's not in a relationship with the ex.

Pink Fairy · 20-03-2016 06:31PM

Is we being played?

LegacyUser · 20-03-2016 06:32PM

Exactly how long a gap was there between breaking up with the ex and getting together with you? She was with him for years and treated her badly. Sounds like she didn't get over the breakup and tried to move on too quickly so was full on with you to start but the cracks have appeared showing she is no where near ready for another long term relationship. You've not done anything wrong but honestly neither has she at least not intentionally - she was use to being in a relationship and rushed into a new one without getting her head straight. Doesn't sound like she is ready to be back in a relationship until she sorts her head out. Having seen friends come out of abusive relationships there is a lot of questioning after as all of them thought they were the type of people who wouldn't find themselves in those types of relationships and they need to understand how they ended up there. Some get the closure and can move on and some don't.

New girlfriend wants to contact her ex

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