New girlfriend wants to contact her ex

DannyB2016

Hello all,

First time poster here (be gentle

I've been seeing this girl for a few months now. It's going really well, and she seems into me.

However, she was going out with this guy for years. They broke up about 8 months ago. By all accounts he didn't treat her well and it was toxic towards the end.

She does talk about him a lot, and seems to be still working out in her head what went wrong, and why she stayed for so long.

She mentioned before that she would like to put some questions to him, and i thought nothing of it.

Anyway, she is working near him today and casually mentioned that she might drop into his place for a chat.

I was kindof caught off guard and froze up a little. I said something to the effect of - if i were to pop into my ex for a chat how would she feel?

She assured me that i am so much better than this guy, that she loves me, and she is not attracted to him. Is seeking some sort of closure it seems?

She didn't want to leave me all jealous, and assured me i had nothing to worry about. That if i didn't want her to she wouldn't meet him.

At this stage, my insides had gone to jelly and i had clammed up.

I didn't want to appear to be the jealous type so i didn't go overboard, but managed to convey how i felt.

We parted on a slightly awkward note earlier and haven't been in contact since.

I'm kindof mentally preparing myself for the worst here.

Like - why tell me this? To be open and honest? Or to unconsciously let me know that she is still in love with this guy?

I feel like i can't really say anything though in case the 'jealousy' card is thrown at me. So i'm going to see how it plays out.

Inwardly i'm in turmoil.

Am i over reacting?
Should i be concerned?

Thanks in advance!

magneticimpulse

Appears she didn't take any break to get over her ex if she only broke up 8 months ago and you've been in a relationship for months now.

If she had no interest in her ex and was over him there would be no need to ask him any closure questions or to have anything to do with him. Even if she felt the need why would she tell you? Sounds like a head wreck situation and a way to mess with your head.

CaraMay

Yeah I don't know why she would tell you if not to seek attention. Sounds like she isn't over him and is messing with your head.

DannyB2016

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah I don't know why she would tell you if not to seek attention. Sounds like she isn't over him and is messing with your head.

He was bad news. Treated her appallingly. Yet she is still seeking some form of validation from him?

She nonchalantly mentioned that she might call into him 'depending how she feels after work'.

She says she hasn't seen him since we got together and wants to put him in the picture (even though she already claims to have done so?)

She also mentioned that when she called around to him in he past it was to try and get him to sleep with her (nice)

In the same breath she assures me that i have nothing to fear, that i am so much better than him etc?

I don't want to appear insecure, but having this dumped in my lap has my head wrecked.

CaraMay

To be head wrecked by this doesn't mean you are insecure. She's changed her story about him knowing and is looking for excuses to meet him which are flimsy at best. If it were me, I would take a break from her as she seems all over the place

ivytwine

In my opinion you have been very tolerant so far. It's not jealousy to be upset by this, it's completely normal.

She isn't at all over him, and it's unfair on you for her to be in a relationship when she's still processing this.

Pink Fairy

There is no real reason for her to call into her ex if the relationship ended and she is over him, chances are there has been some recent contact and this is her excuse to go see him and try to rekindle the romance.
Whatever happens, it's not going to go well for you I'm afraid.

DannyB2016

Pink Fairy wrote: »

There is no real reason for her to call into her ex if the relationship ended and she is over him, chances are there has been some recent contact and this is her excuse to go see him and try to rekindle the romance.
Whatever happens, it's not going to go well for you I'm afraid.

Yeah, you're right..

Annoyed at myself though - should have seen this coming?

Alf Veedersane

It sounds similar to a situation I was in once upon a time.

Long story short, she met an ex (though by accident) and while nothing happened, she realised she wasn't properly over him and put her feelings for me in a new context. Needless to say it ended.

That's not to say that the end result will be similar and only you can get a feeling for it all but just have your eyes open, OP, and best of luck regardless

CaraMay

DannyB2016 wrote: »

Yeah, you're right..

Annoyed at myself though - should have seen this coming?

No I don't think you could / should. I don't see why you are beating yourself up. She's the one acting oddly

tikkahunter

Yep he is going to knock the hole off her im afraid and that's what she wants ,why else would she want to see him. I'd ring her now and give her the gate,if she doesn't care you know you got in there first ,if she cares she won't go see him. I'd say she won't care,not a reflection on you but she wants him that's the only reason she wants to see him.

mada82

Why didn't she pose these questions when she was still single.

Why can't she call him with these questions?

Why does she even need to ask any questions?

Sounds similar to another active thread here st the moment.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it myself.
Stay away from drama queen head wreckers in future.

batmanrobin

Run far and run fast!

As everyone has already said, there's no need for any of this if she was truly past it. People do the meet up with the ex thing when one or both are trying to figure out whether there's any interest on either side.

You don't need the head wreck!

DannyB2016

mada82 wrote: »

Why didn't she pose these questions when she was still single.

Why can't she call him with these questions?

Why does she even need to ask any questions?

Sounds similar to another active thread here st the moment.

I've been asking myself this all day?

I was blindsided by what happened earlier.
We were after spending the weekend together, during which her interest level was sky high.

Then its a case of - 'So, i'll be working 3 mins away from my ex today. I think i'll call in and say hello, wearing this revealing outfit. But there's nothing to worry about!'

I'm annoyed that i allowed myself to be fooled?

And its hard to say anything without the 'jealousy' card being thrown in your face, you just have to bite your tongue.

batmanrobin

DannyB2016 wrote: »

And its hard to say anything without the 'jealousy' card being thrown in your face, you just have to bite your tongue.

You're not being jealous. Your response is perfectly valid. She's behaving inappropriately. Nor do you have to bite your tongue! Tell her it's not acceptable for you.

CaraMay

It seems like you are going to let this happen rather than being seen as jealous? Tbh it would be a deal breaker for me. The intent is there.

DannyB2016

CaraMay wrote: »

It seems like you are going to let this happen rather than being seen as jealous? Tbh it would be a deal breaker for me. The intent is there.

She's been quite aloof since this morning.

It's like it finally dawned on her that she has to let this guy go, and resents me for it?

She knows how i feel. I said i don't want her to meet him. If i say anything else it will just blow up in my face.

If she meets him, we're done. But I can't see it going any further tbh.

I'm just reeling from the manner in which it went from being all lovey dovey to this?

I spite of myself i can't move from bed here, not good...

beks101

DannyB2016 wrote: »

I'm just reeling from the manner in which it went from being all lovey dovey to this?

Rebound relationship. That's what you are. The bandaid to apply over the heartache from the previous guy.

This is classic rebound behaviour from her - throw yourself head first into someone new to convince all and sundry that you are totally over your ex, incessantly talk about said ex, trash talk him, ramp up the affection with new guy, crash and burn.

Honestly OP, I've got a few exes that I'd once upon a time have wanted to hold up in front of a firing squad while I shouted blue murder at them. When you're secure and happy with someone new though, those feelings tend to dissipate fairly quickly. You just become entirely "Meh" about them. They are irrelevant.

There's nothing Meh about having to meet your ex for closure.

DannyB2016

Thanks for the replies folks!

Had a fair few light bulb moments here..

Any advice on what i should say to her?

(If anything?)

needhelpguy

DannyB2016 wrote: »

She's been quite aloof since this morning.

It's like it finally dawned on her that she has to let this guy go, and resents me for it?

She knows how i feel. I said i don't want her to meet him. If i say anything else it will just blow up in my face.

If she meets him, we're done. But I can't see it going any further tbh.

I'm just reeling from the manner in which it went from being all lovey dovey to this?

I spite of myself i can't move from bed here, not good...

Classic rebound mate. Sorry to hear. She is nowhere near over her ex. In fact she's probably subconsciously looking to get back with him.

I'd sit her down and have a frank talk about it. Though to be honest you probably know yourself which way this relationship is gonna go.

CaraMay

I would just get myself out of there right now. Why would you stay with someone who is annoyed with you for stopping her seeing her ex?

DannyB2016

Have barely heard from her today when she's usually blowing up my phone?

The writing is on the wall alright but I don't understand her behaviour?
From hot to cold in a heartbeat.

When she told me she wanted to meet with her ex i reacted calmly, half jokingly almost.
But left her in no doubt that i wasn't happy.

This seems to have ticked her off somewhat?
Like i was supposed to be ok with this?

I've been down this route before and it messed me up for ages.
Just can't believe I've let it happen again.. silly me

Keane2baMused

This girl is still hung up on the ex. Walk away with your head held high and don't look back.

You deserve so much better.

magneticimpulse

Doesnt matter that you reacted calm to what she said. She is still thinking about her ex. Whatever why you treat her and communicate with her is not going to matter as long as she still has feelings for him (which she does by wanting to see him again). If she told him she wants to see him, imagine how she actually feels deep down and is keeping to herself?

Texas Jack

What about messaging her ex and aaking him what the hell he wants?

CaraMay

Texas Jack wrote: »

What about messaging her ex and aaking him what the hell he wants?

No way! That's none of your business.

Texas Jack

CaraMay wrote: »

No way! That's none of your business.

Course it's his business

This guy is intruding on his girlfriend, irrespective of their past, and he's bang out of order

beks101

Texas Jack wrote: »

This guy is intruding on his girlfriend, irrespective of their past, and he's bang out of order

No, his girlfriend is talking about calling over to see her ex, without any mention of the ex's role in any meeting.

Yeah, maybe he'd be thrilled to reel her in and coax her away from her current partner, or maybe he's not interested at all, who knows.

The point is that his girlfriend is even reel-able in the first place. It's HER place to tell her ex to get stuffed if he's making any advances towards her, not the OP's. The issue is with her and her level of loyalty to her OH; not her ex and his asshole tendencies.

Alf Veedersane

Texas Jack wrote: »

What about messaging her ex and aaking him what the hell he wants?

He's not in a relationship with the ex.

Pink Fairy

Is we being played?

LegacyUser

Exactly how long a gap was there between breaking up with the ex and getting together with you? She was with him for years and treated her badly. Sounds like she didn't get over the breakup and tried to move on too quickly so was full on with you to start but the cracks have appeared showing she is no where near ready for another long term relationship. You've not done anything wrong but honestly neither has she at least not intentionally - she was use to being in a relationship and rushed into a new one without getting her head straight. Doesn't sound like she is ready to be back in a relationship until she sorts her head out. Having seen friends come out of abusive relationships there is a lot of questioning after as all of them thought they were the type of people who wouldn't find themselves in those types of relationships and they need to understand how they ended up there. Some get the closure and can move on and some don't.

mada82

Did she go ahead and meet him anyway?
You should probably end it with her.

DukeOfTheSharp

Sorry to say, but she sounds like my ex. Trying to make her very obviously ridiculous actions justifiable by throwing the 'jealousy' card in your face and blindsiding you with bull that makes no sense, but it's not her fault that you're taking it so bad.../s.
She wasn't over the lad, you're the rebound, and it's thoroughly unfair for you. End this trainwreck and move forward with your life, some people aren't mature enough to deal with relationships, and I'm guessing this is a pattern of behavior that'll repeat time and time again.

DannyB2016

I had it out with her today. Said everything that needed to be said - that i felt she wasn't over him. That i'm just the rebound guy. That it's inappropriate etc. That love doesn't include ex's.

I had the 'jealousy' card thrown in my face but that was expected.

Eventually she came around. Said that it was an ego thing with her. That she didn't want to let him think he still had a hold over her.
He was emotionally and physically abusive to her and she wanted to confront him for closure.
She said she won't contact him. That she loves me. That she's sorry for upsetting me.

I'm just tired from it all now...

KikiDee

DannyB2016 wrote: »

I had it out with her today. Said everything that needed to be said - that i felt she wasn't over him. That i'm just the rebound guy. That it's inappropriate etc. That love doesn't include ex's.

I had the 'jealousy' card thrown in my face but that was expected.

Eventually she came around. Said that it was an ego thing with her. That she didn't want to let him think he still had a hold over her.
He was emotionally and physically abusive to her and she wanted to confront him for closure.
She said she won't contact him. That she loves me. That she's sorry for upsetting me.

I'm just tired from it all now...

So how do you feel about it now? She's sorry now that it's happened but IMO, it shouldn't have happened at all. I get the whole needing closure thing but the fact that she needed to prove something to him? That's kinda setting off alarm bells for me OP.

DannyB2016

KikiDee wrote: »

So how do you feel about it now? She's sorry now that it's happened but IMO, it shouldn't have happened at all. I get the whole needing closure thing but the fact that she needed to prove something to him? That's kinda setting off alarm bells for me OP.

I think she's still raw from the way he treated her.
She's full of rage and damaged pride and wanted to hit back.

She cant understand how she allowed herself to be put in that situation.

She doesn't want him to win.

She was open about everything but I don't think she's over him.
I do believe her when she says she loves me, but mistrust has crept in..

I'm fairly luke warm about it all now

Edward Hopper

I'd take a break from her op, give it a week, maybe you'll feel good about it all again, or maybe you'll see you are better without her. Time will tell is a great adage.

DannyB2016

Edward Hopper wrote: »

I'd take a break from her op, give it a week, maybe you'll feel good about it all again, or maybe you'll see you are better without her. Time will tell is a great adage.

Yeah i'm drifting towards the door..

It's a pity, i really fell for her

KikiDee

DannyB2016 wrote: »

Yeah i'm drifting towards the door..

It's a pity, i really fell for her

She's just not the one for you right now by the sounds of it pet. It's up to you but there comes a point where you have to ask yourself, if things were so great between ye, why is she trying to prove something to someone who, by her own admission, treated her like s**t?

beks101

To be honest it sounds like she's pretty emotionally damaged from the car crash of a relationship she had with her ex and it's left her with self-esteem problems. Hence the ego-driven rush to get some kind of "one-up" on him.

She may well be over him, but not over the relationship and all the angst it caused her and her rushing into something new was a way of trying to gloss over everything without actually dealing with it. Realistically, this is a relationship that lasted years and she was out of it a wet week when she started seeing you.

Sadly for you I think this would mean a minefield of a relationship with her until she sorts her head out and gets to a place where she can draw a line under all the pain and the abuse and focus on someone new. I think a lot of rebound relationships start because the person can't cope with being on their own and dealing with their own stuff - so they seek distraction and validation elsewhere.

DukeOfTheSharp

DannyB2016 wrote: »

Yeah i'm drifting towards the door..

It's a pity, i really fell for her

For what it's worth, I don't think anyone here doesn't feel empathy towards your current situation. Whether or not she admits it, this is a rebound relationship and you deserve more. Given the amount of abuse she suffered at the hands of this lad, and the way she wanted to 'get one over' on him, I doubt she actually got help for the damage left over after him. It's an unenviable situation, especially given the fact that you love her, but she's not ready for another relationship. Take some time for yourself OP, you've been sucked into the tail-end of a hurricane of crap and despite what you might think, it'll leave you raw.

cath1980

Please don't be hard on yourself . If anything you have been so understanding and tried to be open. It's really not you or your fault. No one would like their partner meeting an ex especially as she talks about him alot and the other things you mentioned. I think take the focus off of her and focus on what is right for you and how it actually makes you feel. If it's not feeling right for you then that's your answer! Don't compromise yourself for this!

LegacyUser

I think you have been very decent to this woman.

After your talk to her her she said she won't meet him and is sorry for upseting you.
I would take a brake from her for a few weeks and then decide what you want to do. Let her know that this is what you want. Let her realise that she can't continue to treat you like this.
A few weeks apart could be good for both of you.

I know both men and woman who rush from one relationship into another. They don't want to be on their own. I have seen people going for the same type of boyfreind/girlfriend a few times rather than learning to stay away from users, gold diggers or cheaters.

2rkehij30qtza5

Aww I hate to say it but from.a female point of view...she's completely and utterly not over her ex. She wouldn't need closure or to even talk to him if she was fully over him. She probably had very little time between breaking up with him and getting with you? Is that correct?..she's not over him at all..regardless of the way he treated her. Sorry. Very hard for you to hear. But that's the reality I'm afraid.