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Losing interest

  • 12-03-2016 05:33PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Never have I thought I would be posting here.

    I am with my girlfriend two years, in our late 20's and no transport issues as we live five minutes away from each other. She is a single mother living at home with her parents and I live with mine and we both have 9-5 jobs.

    Every second weekend the father has the child and we get to spend some alone time with each other. The weekends she does have the child I rarely see her during the daylight period as she goes clothes/makeup shopping with her mother and child, this has been consistent for months on end now.

    Monday to friday, the earliest I will see her is 21:00 for an hour or two, at most maybe one day during the working week. If I ever go to visit her, it will always be the child (which is fine), my girlfriend and her mother in the room. We never get private time in her house, even when the child has gone to sleep.

    I have offered for her to come to my house where we can get quality time together without any parents in the room, just to watch tv and so on but she replies with " I'm not going up to yours just to watch tv when I can do that here".

    The way I see it, I get to see her for a full day every second weekend and the odd hour or two during the week. To me I don't feel as this is enough. Am I asking for too much wanting to meet up with her more than that?

    She is a great girlfriend and mother but due to the lack of seeing each other I am starting to find myself losing interest in her


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Comments

  • #2
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Do ye ever go out on a date? Can her family put the child to bed and free her up?


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Do ye ever go out on a date? Can her family put the child to bed and free her up?

    We very rarely go out on dates.
    When we get to meet during the weekday, that is when her family puts the child to bed.


  • #4
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Why don't you head out for dinner etc and try to spice it up s bit. If she isn't rolling then make your decision. Tbh it does sound quite routine and dull. Give it another try and see then.


  • #5
    lazybones32
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    Tell her that it isn't just about watching tv, it's about being in her company alone.


  • #6
    dixiefly
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,952 ✭✭✭dixiefly


    Guest54321 wrote: »
    Never have I thought I would be posting here.

    I am with my girlfriend two years, in our late 20's and no transport issues as we live five minutes away from each other. She is a single mother living at home with her parents and I live with mine and we both have 9-5 jobs.

    Every second weekend the father has the child and we get to spend some alone time with each other. The weekends she does have the child I rarely see her during the daylight period as she goes clothes/makeup shopping with her mother and child, this has been consistent for months on end now.

    Monday to friday, the earliest I will see her is 21:00 for an hour or two, at most maybe one day during the working week. If I ever go to visit her, it will always be the child (which is fine), my girlfriend and her mother in the room. We never get private time in her house, even when the child has gone to sleep.

    I have offered for her to come to my house where we can get quality time together without any parents in the room, just to watch tv and so on but she replies with " I'm not going up to yours just to watch tv when I can do that here".

    The way I see it, I get to see her for a full day every second weekend and the odd hour or two during the week. To me I don't feel as this is enough. Am I asking for too much wanting to meet up with her more than that?

    She is a great girlfriend and mother but due to the lack of seeing each other I am starting to find myself losing interest in her

    That's a bit of a stupid answer there.

    At this stage of the relationship I would be wanting more, and that is taking into account that her priority is her child.

    As recommended arrange some dates, a meal, a gig, just the pub even a night away. If she is reluctant and skips these then I would say that it would be a deal-breaker(for me anyway);.


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  • #7
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I'm wondering how interested she actually is - this looks like she's not all that pushed but is doing just about enough to keep you reeled in. She seems to be taking steps to avoid spending too much time with you. Do you have much of a sex life?


  • #8
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Here's another angle on it. Are her parents happy that she's going out with you? There's obviously a back story involving how she came to be a single mother and isn't with the child's father. I worked with a woman a few years ago who was a single mother. Things hadn't gone well so she and her child ended up living at home with her parents. Her parents didn't want her going out or dating again and made it quite difficult for her. This was water under the bridge by the time I met this colleague - she had just married someone else. But it's an idea to throw out there.

    Is she uptight about sex? Maybe she doesn't want mammy and daddy to think that she's sexually active. Which, let's face it, is what going to watch TV in your house will entail. What you're looking for is not unreasonable and you're not wrong to feel aggrieved over the way things have panned out. Sitting watching telly with your other half's mum is the ultimate passion killer. Maybe it's meant to be!

    You definitely need to talk to her and tell her how you feel about this. The thing is, unless she's utterly clueless (which I doubt she is), she'll know that rationing your alone time together and keeping you at arm's length is not on. It'll be interesting to see what her reaction is. To be honest, if you don't start getting date nights/more alone time/weekends away soon, you should cut your losses and walk.


  • #9
    Noo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,989 ✭✭✭Noo


    Two years together in your late twenties, both with full time jobs and living with parents.....has moving in together come up at any stage?


  • #10
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Noo wrote: »
    Two years together in your late twenties, both with full time jobs and living with parents.....has moving in together come up at any stage?

    I wondered that myself but then they seem to barely know each other.


  • #11
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Noo wrote: »
    Two years together in your late twenties, both with full time jobs and living with parents.....has moving in together come up at any stage?

    She'd probably say "Why do I need to live with you when I can do the same thing here" :pac:


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  • #12
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,727 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Odus fell down wrote:
    Is she uptight about sex? Maybe she doesn't want mammy and daddy to think that she's sexually active. Which, let's face it, is what going to watch TV in your house will entail.

    Seeing as he also lives with his folks, it's probable that watching tv at his house is actually literally what they'd be doing. Do you ever get away for a night or weekend together, OP?

    Also, why can't you spend time with her on the weekends she has the child? Surely after two years together you being around him/her isn't an issue?


  • #13
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Seeing as he also lives with his folks, it's probable that watching tv at his house is actually literally what they'd be doing. Do you ever get away for a night or weekend together, OP?

    True. Though they couldn't possibly have less privacy than they have in her place. It sounds like her mother is a permanent fixture in the room when he goes to her place.

    You've got to wonder why all their evenings together seem to involve sitting looking at TV. Do they never do other things? Like go see a film? Meet friends? Go for a drive or a walk? Have a quiet drink or a cup of coffee or a bag of chips somewhere?
    Also, why can't you spend time with her on the weekends she has the child? Surely after two years together you being around him/her isn't an issue?

    Good question. He mentioned that her child watches TV with them for a while when he comes to visit.


  • #14
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    Yeah this is a strange one OP.

    At your ages and after 2 years, I personally would want to be seeing a bit more progression in my relationship.

    Also - do you have a sex life at this point? From your description above, its hard to see how this would fit in?

    Have you spoken about the future in any way? Do you see yourselves getting married/moving in?


  • #15
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    While I'm sure it is very difficult to juggle the demands of life being and unmarried mother, it just seems to me like she's not making much effort in the relationship.

    I don't get why people are fixating on whether or not OP has a sex life with her. In any case, its different when she now has a child. I would say she might be in pain or torn or whatever and is no longer capable of enjoying sex or, more probable perhaps, they both feel that an active sex life is not really appropriate given that she's a mother now. Maybe she won't go up to his house because she is afraid that is what he is angling for with the "watching TV" thing.
    Perhaps OP can give us more in-depth information in this regard.....

    Anyhow OP, I would be saying to her that it's bothering you that ye don't spend much time together and you would like to spend more time together. If it doesn't bother her or she seems indifferent then you two are incongruous and you should consider separating.


  • #16
    ibarelycare
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    While I'm sure it is very difficult to juggle the demands of life being and unmarried mother, it just seems to me like she's not making much effort in the relationship.

    I don't get why people are fixating on whether or not OP has a sex life with her. In any case, its different when she now has a child. I would say she might be in pain or torn or whatever and is no longer capable of enjoying sex or, more probable perhaps, they both feel that an active sex life is not really appropriate given that she's a mother now. Maybe she won't go up to his house because she is afraid that is what he is angling for with the "watching TV" thing.
    Perhaps OP can give us more in-depth information in this regard.....

    Anyhow OP, I would be saying to her that it's bothering you that ye don't spend much time together and you would like to spend more time together. If it doesn't bother her or she seems indifferent then you two are incongruous and you should consider separating.



    Wtf?????? So it's inappropriate for women to have active sex lives once they become mothers?

    People are asking about his sex life with her because sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. They've only been together two years and they're young. They should be enjoying regular sex. It doesn't sound like they do.


  • #17
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    I don't get why people are fixating on whether or not OP has a sex life with her. In any case, its different when she now has a child. I would say she might be in pain or torn or whatever and is no longer capable of enjoying sex or, more probable perhaps, they both feel that an active sex life is not really appropriate given that she's a mother.

    In pain or torn? Seriously? Then again you seem to have some warped ideas about sex, judging by your past posts. Seeing as she had the child years ago, I should hope she's fine now!

    The reason I asked the question about their sex life was because I thought it might give us an insight into how things are between them. She seems to be doing her damndest to try and avoid alone time between them. Is she avoiding sex by keeping him at arm's length.


  • #18
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    No, I'm not saying it's not acceptable for a mother to have sex, the can and do. What I'm getting at is that her being a mother complicates things in that department and there might be a myriad of reasons that they can't have sex:
    > she might be torn or have other damage, . Tears can be 1st to 3rd degree and are very common in women. I've read that this can make it more or less impossible to have sex and enjoy it due to the formation of scar tissue, spasm, dryness etc etc.
    > she might be emotionally traumatised by the above
    > she might be in fear of getting pregnant again
    > they might be worried about people hearing them or even thinking they might be having sex
    > extremes of shame or guilt that it wouldn't be right or fair on the child
    > etc etc

    The presence or lack of sex in a relationship does not give any indicator to the health of the relationship. There are some relationships where sexual activity happens regularly but the rrelationship is damaged and not secure. I read in a counselling document that if there is tension or a dispute over something in a relationship that the couple should still carry on having sex! I find that hard to understand. If there's unresolved issues how could either party be in the mood for it?
    On the other hand there are relationships without sexual antics that are perfectly happy and stable.


  • #19
    wokingvoter
    Closed Accounts Posts: 828 ✭✭✭wokingvoter


    OP you don't have a romantic relationship with his girl at all and she doesn't want a romantic relationship, with you or possibly anyone, at this point in time
    She's totally comfortable with her life the way it is at the moment
    If she wanted to at all she could arrange more "alone" time with you, she's just not interested
    Maybe her relationship with her child's father left her very wary or something, who knows?
    In any case you will have to get her to tell you where she sees this going from here, and then either make plans to move things along (hopefully ) or draw a line under it and move on


  • #20
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    No, I'm not saying it's not acceptable for a mother to have sex, the can and do. What I'm getting at is that her being a mother complicates things in that department and there might be a myriad of reasons that they can't have sex:
    > she might be torn or have other damage, . Tears can be 1st to 3rd degree and are very common in women. I've read that this can make it more or less impossible to have sex and enjoy it due to the formation of scar tissue, spasm, dryness etc etc.
    > she might be emotionally traumatised by the above
    > she might be in fear of getting pregnant again
    > they might be worried about people hearing them or even thinking they might be having sex
    > etc etc

    The presence or lack of sex in a relationship does not give any indicator to the health of the relationship. There are some relationships where sexual activity happens regularly but the rrelationship is damaged and not secure. I read in a counselling document that if there is tension or a dispute over something in a relationship that the couple should still carry on having sex! I find that hard to understand. If there's unresolved issues how could either party be in the mood for it?
    On the other hand there are relationships without sexual antics that are perfectly happy and stable.

    There is an old saying in the medical community - when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.

    Basically, the most obvious cause is usually the right one. There is nothing to suggest any physical damage in the OP. Also if this was the case, doctors can do a lot to alleviate this these days, either surgically or otherwise.

    I think its a strange conclusion to jump to.

    Sex is only one part, but at their ages its a bit worrying if its not happening. I don't see how it can be since they never spend anytime alone together. This leads me to suspect a lack of intimacy overall, leaving the sex aside.

    I'm pretty sure the OP would like to spend time with his GF without the mother and child present on occasion. Otherwise its more like a friendship than a relationship.


  • #21
    SB_Part2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭SB_Part2


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    No, I'm not saying it's not acceptable for a mother to have sex, the can and do. What I'm getting at is that her being a mother complicates things in that department and there might be a myriad of reasons that they can't have sex:
    > she might be torn or have other damage, . Tears can be 1st to 3rd degree and are very common in women. I've read that this can make it more or less impossible to have sex and enjoy it due to the formation of scar tissue, spasm, dryness etc etc.
    > she might be emotionally traumatised by the above
    > she might be in fear of getting pregnant again
    > they might be worried about people hearing them or even thinking they might be having sex
    > extremes of shame or guilt that it wouldn't be right or fair on the child
    > etc etc

    The presence or lack of sex in a relationship does not give any indicator to the health of the relationship. There are some relationships where sexual activity happens regularly but the rrelationship is damaged and not secure. I read in a counselling document that if there is tension or a dispute over something in a relationship that the couple should still carry on having sex! I find that hard to understand. If there's unresolved issues how could either party be in the mood for it?
    On the other hand there are relationships without sexual antics that are perfectly happy and stable.

    Jaysus talk about a leap. You don't know there's anything wrong with her vagina and women who have issues over a year after having birth like what you've described are very rare.


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  • #22
    Neyite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,948 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Mod:

    Ok I'm going to step in here and call a halt to the direction the thread has taken - This thread is not about post natal gynaecological complications, ok?

    Stick to giving advice to the OP, based on what they have discussed. If you have a problem with a post, report it.


  • #23
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    I'm assuming the OP sees their relationship as a sort of bf-gf type thing. If the child's father is dead beat then that means that she is the sole carer for the child and maybe she finds that it is not so easy anymore to go out with her friends and instead utilises OP for a bit of company and companionship.
    In it's the latter, then it would also explain why they don't have sex. There might be a fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of the relationship.

    I think OP ought to confirm from her whether she considers them to be bf&gf or just good friends. It's starting to sound like the latter. Even I go to my best friend's house just to watch TV and talk sh!te.

    I'd be interested to know where the baby-daddy factors in in all this. Why doesn;t he mind the child for a couple of days at a time so she and OP can have time together alone. Perhaps she is in fear of him or fears he doesn't have the capacity to effectively mind a child? In a lot of cases absent fathers can be a danger to children even if it's through utter incompetence in basic parenting know-how.


  • #24
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    Guest54321 wrote: »
    Every second weekend the father has the child and we get to spend some alone time with each other.
    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    I'm assuming the OP sees their relationship as a sort of bf-gf type thing. If the child's father is dead beat then that means that she is the sole carer for the child and maybe she finds that it is not so easy anymore to go out with her friends and instead utilises OP for a bit of company and companionship.

    Where are you getting this stuff from CB? Firstly she's "torn" which was a wild assumption and now the childs father is a dead beat, which based on the OP, you've actually just made up.


  • #25
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    I'm just exploring different possibilities on what may be happening.

    Sorry, I missed the bit about the father having an involvement.
    However, on that note, every other weekend seems a bit of a scant contribution to the care of a child for which he is 50% responsible. I'd wonder why he doesn't take the child every weekend considering that OPs gf minds the child all weekdays. We still don't know what sort of character this man is. He could be causing untold stress to the girl or anything.

    Unless there's a damn good reason (grave illness, international employment) I'd consider every other weekend as token parenting. It is not just that he would have the opportunity to be going out living the high life of a rake while his ex only gets the occasional respite from parenting duties.


  • #26
    RebekahD
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭RebekahD


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    I'm just exploring different possibilities on what may be happening.

    Sorry, I missed the bit about the father having an involvement.
    However, on that note, every other weekend seems a bit of a scant contribution to the care of a child for which he is 50% responsible. I'd wonder why he doesn't take the child every weekend considering that OPs gf minds the child all weekdays. We still don't know what sort of character this man is. He could be causing untold stress to the girl or anything.

    Unless there's a damn good reason (grave illness, international employment) I'd consider every other weekend as token parenting. It is not just that he would have the opportunity to be going out living the high life of a rake while his ex only gets the occasional respite from parenting duties.

    It could be that the courts decided that ? You seem to be jumping to a lot of wild thoughts about this girl and those involved with her ?!!


  • #27
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    RebekahD wrote: »
    It could be that the courts decided that ? You seem to be jumping to a lot of wild thoughts about this girl and those involved with her ?!!

    Exactly.

    Maybe the father works full time and supports financially so she can stay at home with the child - who knows!

    Thats not the point anyway. The point is that the OP feels like he's not getting much from the relationship, minimal intimacy or alone time, and feels like at this age and stage that they should be moving forwards towards a future together or if not, something is amiss.

    After 2 years of this, I don't blame him.

    Whatever her circumstances, I think people appreciate when you make an effort even if you have a full plate, and it doesnt sound like she is. She's just doing whatever she wants and is taking him for granted.

    Their relationship sounds very unbalanced in terms of meeting both parties needs and wants.


  • #28
    RebekahD
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭RebekahD


    But Op I think you need to talk with your gf and ask her straight out where you stand.
    From what I read it sounds to me like she is keeping her family around her like a bumper, this can sometimes be that she isn't ready for a big relationship or maybe afraid of getting hurt again, or simply that she's wanting to break up with you but not wanting to say it ? But hoping you would get fed up.
    The only way you will find out is by asking her.


  • #29
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    I think the OP said that she works full time too, as does he, as does the childs father. As such I don't think there is any legitimate basis for him only taking a minimal involvement. She is minding the child the overwhelming majority of the time and if he was decent he would do his fair share.


  • #30
    RebekahD
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭RebekahD


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    I think the OP said that she works full time too, as does he, as does the childs father. As such I don't think there is any legitimate basis for him only taking a minimal involvement. She is minding the child the overwhelming majority of the time and if he was decent he would do his fair share.

    So the fact she works full time would mean the only time when she could have any proper time with her child is the weekend ?? Hence why the judge would of given alternate weekend for access !


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  • #31
    HiGlo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 561 ✭✭✭HiGlo


    RebekahD wrote: »
    It could be that the courts decided that ? You seem to be jumping to a lot of wild thoughts about this girl and those involved with her ?!!

    Yeah, it may not necessarily be his choice. I know a guy who was only able to see his child every second weekend when she was growing up - despite the fact that he wanted to see her more...


    Back to the original issue.... I agree with others, put forward a few suggestions for spending quality time together and let her know that you feel you guys aren't spending enough time with each other and then see how she reacts. If nothing changes then move on.


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