Long distance headwreck

Roselm · 08-03-2016 12:10AM

Well done you.
Sorry you're feeling sad.
Mind yourself

jennyhayes123 · 08-03-2016 08:05AM

Thinking of you. Your bound to feel sad now and I hope you feel better soon xx

LegacyUser · 08-03-2016 08:42AM

I think the more pressing issue isn't your 'relationship', but how comfortable you are with yourself. The way you over-invested and clung on to a pretend and dead relationship would suggest that you need to get happy in yourself, and not rely on a boyfriend to 'make you happy'.

LeeLooLee · 08-03-2016 01:12PM

Arsk wrote: »

I think the more pressing issue isn't your 'relationship', but how comfortable you are with yourself. The way you over-invested and clung on to a pretend and dead relationship would suggest that you need to get happy in yourself, and not rely on a boyfriend to 'make you happy'.

Could you be any more patronising? If I was some sort of co-dependent loser, I would hardly be living abroad on my own, would I? I met someone I really liked who was supposed to be moving over here, and it didn't work out. I was happy to give it a chance in case I missed out on something good. We saw each other last month and had an amazing few weeks together travelling to some incredible places. Now that I'm back, I can see that it isn't sustainable. I don't regret it at all. If I relied on a boyfriend to 'make me happy', I'd have found one here that I could actually see every day. If I weren't comfortable with myself, I wouldn't have chosen to live on my own and work for myself. I've realised that I need to make more local friends here to get myself out of the house a bit more, so I'm taking action to make that happen. I'm going sailing on Saturday with a local group and volunteering at a soup kitchen on Sunday. None of this will be easy as I'm not totally confident with the local language yet, but I'm going to do it because I like to challenge myself.

Your post says a lot more about you than it does about me, tbh. Maybe think about why you needed to post it anonymously.

Hemerodrome · 08-03-2016 01:44PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Could you be any more patronising?

Could you be any more defensive? The poster was suggesting you have a think about why you were so invested in something which appears to have been a relationship in name only and made you so unhappy that you had to ask strangers on the internet what to do about it and ultimately ended the relationship. It's a helpful suggestion, it does appear to be something you need to think about.

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Your post says a lot more about you than it does about me, tbh. Maybe think about why you needed to post it anonymously.

And your response says a lot about you, mostly that it would appear that the poster touched a nerve and you really should ask yourself why you tolerated an unhappy relationship. As for posting anonymously, I'm pretty certain LeeLooLee is not your real name and the use of a username versus anonymity has absolutely no impact on the validity of advice or questions.

zoobizoo · 08-03-2016 01:46PM

I just reread this from the start and I think that your expectations of him were huge and unrealistic.

LeeLooLee wrote: »

He's not happy about giving up on a place where he's spent 10 years working his way up. .......

His family are relying on him for bills and money............ I warned him that it was unlikely he'd find a job from abroad and that he'd need to come and give it a go, but he doesn't seem to get it.

You were asking him to leave his career and leave his family in the lurch.

Considering your ability to work where you like, why didn't you move to where he was? You said it was because you "didn't like it nearly as much the second time". But, if you had really wanted it to work, why didn't you do what you were asking him to do - to move!

Because you didn't like where he was, you figured that he should up sticks and do what you wanted....

"He laid a huge guilt trip on me about me not understanding his position and how difficult it is to move, but I can see now that I've been more than patient and understanding"

Again, I'd have to question your patience and understanding. Hardly a guilt trip but a statement of fact. He has a career, he has a family to support and he's been told "sure come over and see how you get on"... I don't think there's any mystery as to why he was taking his time

LeeLooLee · 08-03-2016 02:35PM

Hemerodrome wrote: »

Could you be any more defensive? The poster was suggesting you have a think about why you were so invested in something which appears to have been a relationship in name only and made you so unhappy that you had to ask strangers on the internet what to do about it and ultimately ended the relationship. It's a helpful suggestion, it does appear to be something you need to think about.

And your response says a lot about you, mostly that it would appear that the poster touched a nerve and you really should ask yourself why you tolerated an unhappy relationship. As for posting anonymously, I'm pretty certain LeeLooLee is not your real name and the use of a username versus anonymity has absolutely no impact on the validity of advice or questions.

It was incredibly patronising. I had already taken the advice of people here. If 'asking strangers on the internet' was something so weird or pathetic, then this forum wouldn't even exist. It exists because sometimes we need advice from people who aren't involved in the situation or swayed by other factors.

There is no need to post advice anonymously when not giving any person info or sensitive info about yourself. In my eyes, it was just nasty and very, very condescending. I know plenty of people who have successful relationships which started off in a similar way. They're now happily married with kids. Because they took a chance on something that seemed a bit crazy at the time. Taking a chance on a long distance relationship doesn't mean you're unable to be happy without a boyfriend. That's pure projection.

Hemerodrome · 08-03-2016 02:46PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

It was incredibly patronising. I had already taken the advice of people here. If 'asking strangers on the internet' was something so weird or pathetic, then this forum wouldn't even exist. It exists because sometimes we need advice from people who aren't involved in the situation or swayed by other factors.

There is no need to post advice anonymously when not giving any person info or sensitive info about yourself. In my eyes, it was just nasty and very, very condescending. I know plenty of people who have successful relationships which started off in a similar way. They're now happily married with kids. Because they took a chance on something that seemed a bit crazy at the time. Taking a chance on a long distance relationship doesn't mean you're unable to be happy without a boyfriend. That's pure projection.

Nobody said asking on the internet was weird or pathetic. In common with the rest of your post, you're addressing a point nobody made. I was pointing out that you asked strangers for advice on a relationship, posters are quite rightly going to suggest you examine your role in it and your response to that suggestion was quite rude and defensive.

LeeLooLee · 08-03-2016 02:51PM

zoobizoo wrote: »

I just reread this from the start and I think that your expectations of him were huge and unrealistic.

You were asking him to leave his career and leave his family in the lurch.

Considering your ability to work where you like, why didn't you move to where he was? You said it was because you "didn't like it nearly as much the second time". But, if you had really wanted it to work, why didn't you do what you were asking him to do - to move!

Because you didn't like where he was, you figured that he should up sticks and do what you wanted....

"He laid a huge guilt trip on me about me not understanding his position and how difficult it is to move, but I can see now that I've been more than patient and understanding"

Again, I'd have to question your patience and understanding. Hardly a guilt trip but a statement of fact. He has a career, he has a family to support and he's been told "sure come over and see how you get on"... I don't think there's any mystery as to why he was taking his time

You seem to have missed the part where HE WAS MOVING ANYWAY. Not because of me. He wants to live over here and the entire reason we got talking was that he told me he was coming over here, and wanted to know more about it. After he met me, he was keen to get over as soon as possible and he promised me he would do everything he could to make it over. It hasn't worked out. Partly because of things outside his control and partly because he had no sense of urgency about it. The entire 'relationship' began on the understanding that he was coming over here anyway. I wouldn't even have considered it otherwise. He knows this and he has never expected me to move where he is. It's not really safe and I saw the extent of that because I was mugged over there last month and it shook me up a lot. It's not something I want to live with 24/7 and it's part of the reason he's keen to leave. He was mugged and knifed a couple of years ago and was lucky not to be left paralysed.

Yes, I know he has plenty of reasons not to move. But he promised he would. He promised that he could be here by last September. As I said, I wouldn't even mind waiting if he had a date, but he's not doing anything about it. He's not looking for jobs anymore, he's not asking at the embassy about his passport and the main thing that caused me to write this post was that he no longer seems to make the time to even Skype with me. I wondered if I was being too demanding on the general consensus here was that I wasn't at all. What am I supposed to do? Wait indefinitely? Stay in a 'reationship' where we see each other twice a year for years on end? I have offered him support in every way possible. He could stay with me for free, I'll help him find work, anything he needs, but if he's happy to remain in this situation indefinitely, what can I do?

Magicmatilda · 08-03-2016 02:52PM

I think its it positive that you have spoken with him and come to a conclusion. It is natural to be sad as no doubt there were hopes and dream built up and letting that go is difficult, but time is a healer and who knows it may be the impetus he needed.

One observation and possible suggestion though is that you do appear to be very defensive, almost angry. Your responses to some of the posters who you do not agree with are quite cutting. Is this defensiveness something you are aware of? Is it something you worked through with your therapist? I would suggest that along with doing all the very positive things that you are doing to improve your situation, that you look at that defensiveness and what is lying under it, perhaps anger or hurt, as it would suggest some underlying unresolved issue that may be seeping out in person. I know you do not want to hear that however you came here for advice and I am not the only poster to notice that tone. Sometimes others see things in us that we do not see ourselves. Again this is a suggestion for you to take or leave. Either way, I wish you all the best.

LeeLooLee · 08-03-2016 02:55PM

Hemerodrome wrote: »

Nobody said asking on the internet was weird or pathetic. In common with the rest of your post, you're addressing a point nobody made. I was pointing out that you asked strangers for advice on a relationship, posters are quite rightly going to suggest you examine your role in it and your response to that suggestion was quite rude and defensive.

We'll have to agree to disagree. I have of course examined my role in it. I've been thinking non-stop about everything for the last week. I've taken all the advice here on board and acted on it. I think telling me I need to learn to be comfortable with myself and insinuating I need a boyfriend to be happy, and that the relationship was 'pretend' is really patronising (hence why I said that I know people whose relationships started in a similar way and who are now married), but we'll have to agree to disagree.

LeeLooLee · 08-03-2016 02:58PM

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I think its it positive that you have spoken with him and come to a conclusion. It is natural to be sad as no doubt there were hopes and dream built up and letting that go is difficult, but time is a healer and who knows it may be the impetus he needed.

One observation and possible suggestion though is that you do appear to be very defensive, almost angry. Your responses to some of the posters who you do not agree with are quite cutting. Is this defensiveness something you are aware of? Is it something you worked through with your therapist? I would suggest that along with doing all the very positive things that you are doing to improve your situation, that you look at that defensiveness and what is lying under it, perhaps anger or hurt, as it would suggest some underlying unresolved issue that may be seeping out in person. I know you do not want to hear that however you came here for advice and I am not the only poster to notice that tone. Sometimes others see things in us that we do not see ourselves. Again this is a suggestion for you to take or leave. Either way, I wish you all the best.

I just found that response very rude. I'm really grateful that people have taken the time to post here and I really have taken so much of the advice on board, especially from a couple of posters. Their responses really made me think and to come to my own conclusions, and that's what I was looking for. I just found that post very rude, and I questioned why it was posted anonymously. It was as if the person knew it was rude and didn't want to post it under their regular username. That's all.

Emme · 08-03-2016 03:03PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Yes, I know he has plenty of reasons not to move. But he promised he would. He promised that he could be here by last September. As I said, I wouldn't even mind waiting if he had a date, but he's not doing anything about it. He's not looking for jobs anymore, he's not asking at the embassy about his passport and the main thing that caused me to write this post was that he no longer seems to make the time to even Skype with me. I wondered if I was being too demanding on the general consensus here was that I wasn't at all. What am I supposed to do? Wait indefinitely? Stay in a 'reationship' where we see each other twice a year for years on end? I have offered him support in every way possible. He could stay with me for free, I'll help him find work, anything he needs, but if he's happy to remain in this situation indefinitely, what can I do?

Maybe he feels responsible for his family. It's difficult for people who haven't got family responsibilities to understand the position of those who have. By family responsibilities I mean the needs of parents and dependent siblings. If you were able to come over here and work without thinking too much about your own family responsibilities you couldn't be expected to understand what he has to deal with.

You say he's not looking for jobs, he's not asking at the embassy about his passport and he isn't spending much time on Skype with you. Perhaps he hasn't time because of family responsibilities. It could be that he does want to come over but on his own terms. Also it could be that he's not that into you or at least not as into you as you are into him. From what you've written so far it looks like you've been doing most of the running.

Good luck with the sailing and the volunteering. You need to do more stuff like this.

CaraMay · 08-03-2016 03:04PM

You don't seem to want to take on board posters views op and you have finished with him so maybe it's time to close the thread and move on.

LeeLooLee · 08-03-2016 03:07PM

Emme wrote: »

Maybe he feels responsible for his family. It's difficult for people who haven't got family responsibilities to understand the position of those who have. By family responsibilities I mean the needs of parents and dependent siblings. If you were able to come over here and work without thinking too much about your own family responsibilities you couldn't be expected to understand what he has to deal with.

You say he's not looking for jobs, he's not asking at the embassy about his passport and he isn't spending much time on Skype with you. Perhaps he hasn't time because of family responsibilities. It could be that he does want to come over but on his own terms. Also it could be that he's not that into you or at least not as into you as you are into him. From what you've written so far it looks like you've been doing most of the running.

Yes, I totally understand that. And that's why if he's decided deep down that he doesn't want to leave his family, I could never make him do that. He kept going back and forth on that, sometimes saying it was no problem at all to leave (he said this at the beginning) and then telling me that his mother needed some of his salary for the house/groceries. He was never really consistent on this. His family responsibilities are all financial, really. Hence why he was coming over here in the first place, to make better money than back home, to have a better lifestyle for himself and send some money back. His mother is retired and home all day, and he has a brother and sister working and living at home, so it's not like they need him for everything.

LeeLooLee · 08-03-2016 03:10PM

CaraMay wrote: »

You don't seem to want to take on board posters views op and you have finished with him so maybe it's time to close the thread and move on.

I'm more than happy to take on board posters' views. I'm a bit baffled that you could say otherwise when I've just made a major life decision partly based on the advice here. Just because I don't appreciate cutting comments posted anonymously insinuating that I need a man to be happy (when I have said that this is far from the case), that means I don't want to listen to anyone?

Taltos · 08-03-2016 03:33PM

Mod Note
Thread closed.

OP - I think you know why we're closing this thread. Your responses to posters who have taken time out of their lives to try to help you is not acceptable.
If you choose to post in this manner again you will quickly find it will earn you some cards and/or a ban.

I do hope this thread helped you a bit, but for now it is done.

Hemerodrome & Cara - we prefer posters to report such posts/threads, you are both borderline backseat modding if not across the line. That too can result in cards.

Long distance headwreck

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