Being at a Deathbed ?

goz83 · 07-03-2016 01:55AM

I'm very bottled when it comes to strong emotions, regardless of positive, or negative. I stay in the controlled zone. Its a blessing and a curse. However, the death of my older brother a few years ago (he was in his early thirties and died in an unprovoked assault in the uk) broke me up. I felt an overwhelming sadness and grief and could not stop the tears from coming. This happened at the funeral too, but was not as strong.

I think the sudden loss and the circumstances made it much more difficult.

maryishere · 07-03-2016 01:56AM

timthumbni wrote: »

Not nice but everyone of us will be away in but a blink of an eye in time. If you are on good terms and have made your peace with your loved one then Try to take it as just a sad moment.

Then celebrate their life and learn from it. Work less, worry less, be more spontaneous etc as the only guarantee in life is that you are here for a very short time. And you will be forgotten very quickly.. No matter how many Facebook friends you have.

Good advice. Life is short.

Filmer Paradise · 07-03-2016 02:06AM

goz83 wrote: »

I'm very bottled when it comes to strong emotions, regardless of positive, or negative. I stay in the controlled zone. Its a blessing and a curse. However, the death of my older brother a few years ago (he was in his early thirties and died in an unprovoked assault in the uk) broke me up. I felt an overwhelming sadness and grief and could not stop the tears from coming. This happened at the funeral too, but was not as strong.

I think the sudden loss and the circumstances made it much more difficult.

There's a big difference between the sudden death of someone young & someone old, sick & at the end of the show.

The death of an old person can be often be seen as a happy release. When a young person goes suddenly, I'm sure the effect upon those around them can be devastating.

Yamanoto · 07-03-2016 02:15AM

david75 wrote: »

It's the MO for people dying seriously painful deaths like cancers etc.

Weirdly hush hush and ironic given how backward we are on the whole issue at the other end, meaning birth and all the complications around it. It's not assisted death officially but it sort of is.

I don't think it's hush hush at all tbf.

Administration of heavy doses of morphine to ease someone along in their end game features as part of palliative care in almost every hospital in the State, on a daily basis.

07-03-2016 02:21AM

You could be there for a long time. Hours, or days. You're not really prepared for that. You can't really go anywhere, or do anything. We watched a lot of news, and ate a lot of sandwiches.

darkpagandeath · 07-03-2016 02:25AM

Incredibly difficult places, Hart goes out to anyone that has to goto one. I hope I go to sleep and don't wake up peaceful like.

stoplooklisten · 07-03-2016 02:40AM

darkpagandeath wrote: »

Incredibly difficult places, Hart goes out to anyone that has to goto one. I hope I go to sleep and don't wake up peaceful like.

you surprise me dark pagan death, I got the impression you would have preferred something more dark and pagany

darkpagandeath · 07-03-2016 02:47AM

stoplooklisten wrote: »

you surprise me dark pagan death, I got the impression you would have preferred something more dark and pagany

Well I want to be burned on a pyre after it's over :P

Lo there do I see my father; Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers; Lo there do I see the line of my people, back to the beginning. Lo, they do call me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever.

Canis Lupus · 07-03-2016 03:07AM

Depends on who it is and relationship to them. I've done two. The moment of death is sad but not a 'bad' experience as one minute they'll be breathing and the next gone. The lead up however can potentially be very distressing depending on what they're dying of.

When my father was dying he knew he was very sick but no one told him the end was approaching (heart failure) so he really went downhill over the course of a week even though he remained awake and chatty and then very rapidly declined over 48 hours till he passed. I wasn't close to my father but it was very hard knowing he was dying whilst he himself didn't and spending long hours with him whilst my mother tried to get some rest. When he finally died, like I said, it was a quick moment and I was glad for him because those final 48 hours sucked.....

So be there for the person and be strong for them. If you think it might help, talk to one of the palliative care nurses as to what to expect and how best to help the person passing.

david75 · 07-03-2016 03:25AM

Yamanoto wrote: »

I don't think it's hush hush at all tbf.

Administration of heavy doses of morphine to ease someone along in their end game features as part of palliative care in almost every hospital in the State, on a daily basis.

Oh I know that. I'm just always baffled about how it's an accepted form of euthanasia at the last and as you said it happens all the time and yet if you have a foetus threatening your life for whatever reason the sensible option of saving the mothers life isn't taken or even legal.

I don't want to make this thread about that. Some lovely but sad stories here let's focus on how people manage
And what their experiences are.
As another poster said, thank god for the drugs in these situations. If a loved one gets to slip out from under the pain in any way I support it.

edber2011 · 07-03-2016 03:35AM

Lost my dad in 2010(age 71)to prostate cancer and it was a cruel time.
Took me a long time to grieve,i still cry sometimes,even now.
Im in my 40s and I still grieve to this day.
Its a hard thing to deal with,surreal at the time,as you think its all a bad dream or something.
But then that person is no longer going to walk in the door.

RoadhouseBlues · 07-03-2016 04:12AM

Was in the hospice with my mother. We were all there. It was fairly calm. Although we thought she was gone, and then it seemed like ages after, she took another breath and then she was gone. With my father before though. He wanted to stay at home, so he had a nurse come out every night. I will never forget. The last night, I called down to his room, and I was telling him that the cats were calling outside. He loved the cats. I got up to go to the bathroom. I was gone about 2 mins, and when I got back he was gone. I have never got over that, and prob never will. I wish I was there with him. I'm sure he knows though...

timthumbni · 07-03-2016 04:43AM

RoadhouseBlues wrote: »

Was in the hospice with my mother. We were all there. It was fairly calm. Although we thought she was gone, and then it seemed like ages after, she took another breath and then she was gone. With my father before though. He wanted to stay at home, so he had a nurse come out every night. I will never forget. The last night, I called down to his room, and I was telling him that the cats were calling outside. He loved the cats. I got up to go to the bathroom. I was gone about 2 mins, and when I got back he was gone. I have never got over that, and prob never will. I wish I was there with him. I'm sure he knows though...

I think the fact you were there or thereabouts absolves you ( and I'm not religious) I lost a parent when I was a young cub face to face and it changed me greatly. Some things for the good, some for the bad.

In your case I'm sure your da may even have had a wee snigger to himself that you were in the bogs. You certainly can't beat yourself up about it.

I have said to my partner that if and when I go I want no tears, no fake tears, no uncomfortable wakes or funerals. I want a private wake and a private funeral. And anyone who says I'm sorry for your loss will get ejected.....

RoadhouseBlues · 07-03-2016 05:18AM

timthumbni wrote: »

I think the fact you were there or thereabouts absolves you ( and I'm not religious) I lost a parent when I was a young cub face to face and it changed me greatly. Some things for the good, some for the bad.

In your case I'm sure your da may even have had a wee snigger to himself that you were in the bogs. You certainly can't beat yourself up about it.

I have said to my partner that if and when I go I want no tears, no fake tears, no uncomfortable wakes or funerals. I want a private wake and a private funeral. And anyone who says I'm sorry for your loss will get ejected.....

Thats real nice of you to say. Thank you. I keep thinking about the song I want for when its my time. But it keeps changing:-). And to be fair, the priest prob wont allow a song at all:):):):)

timthumbni · 07-03-2016 05:54AM

RoadhouseBlues wrote: »

Thats real nice of you to say. Thank you. I keep thinking about the song I want for when its my time. But it keeps changing:-). And to be fair, the priest prob wont allow a song at all:):):):)

You are welcome. You obviously loved your parents and I'm sure they would be proud of you.

Talking of music My final songs will be:-

Johnny cash - the ballad of Ira Hayes ( as my coffin is brought in)
Queen - bohemian rhapsody (mid service - to liven everyone up)
Luke Kelly - scorn not his simplicity (beginning of the end) (the best most moving song ever imo)
Finale - the monster mash song (as my coffin is taken out) (just to take the piss)

Plus if it's possible I want to be put into the ground as Lana del rey sings "ride" as the sun sets. That would be pretty cool Imo.

Vodkat · 07-03-2016 05:58AM

I've been her both in my professional life and personal life. Working in ICU I experience death on a regular basis. As a nurse, we try to make it the most dignified experience that we can. Sometimes that can be very difficult. One moment that sticks in my mind is a family that were awaiting the passing of their beloved father who had a cardiac arrest surrounded his bed whilst another patient, drug and alcohol addict in the bay beside him shouting and roared abuse at the nurses. Security had to be called and it was a huge commotion. Ended up sedating the man as he continued to get aggressive and violent with staff continuously shouting profanity. All while the family of the sick man cried their eyes out saying their final goodbyes.
Hospital staff receive excellent support from the Pallative care team and they are hands down one of the most important people when it comes to impending death. From pain and symptom management to comfort measures for both the patient and family! Infact there was an AMA on boards recently from a Pallative care nurse recently that really gives an insight into their role and the dying experience that is great reading.
As for you OP, every experience is going to be different based on your relationship with the person, your feelings and the circumstances but do what you feel is right. There would be nothing worse than holding back and once that person is gone thats it! I hope it's easy as can be experience for you. Im sorry that you are losing someone you love.

Talula123 · 07-03-2016 06:04AM

It's hard to watch but I think I was just on auto pilot, it didn't really hit me till she actually died and thats when I broke down. Especially at the funeral and afterwards, during the wake and everything i was surrounded by family and being kept busy but when i was in the church at her funeral and at the burial the 6 weeks of watching her die hit me like a train. For me when she was on her death bed I was so focused on letting her know that I was there, that she was loved and making sure she didn't feel alone.
I think being aware that she was dying for the weeks before hand let it all sink in which allowed me to grieve. Ive lost people suddenly since then and it didn't effect me in the same way at all, i dont think i ever really grieved for them, not because I didnt care or I didnt love them but because it happened so suddenly its like my brain never registered what happened, I still sometimes almost ask my granny or my mam how my grandad is even though he died 3 years ago, the fact he went so suddenly i feel like it just never really hit home.

timthumbni · 07-03-2016 06:11AM

Vodkat wrote: »

I've been her both in my professional life and personal life. Working in ICU I experience death on a regular basis. As a nurse, we try to make it the most dignified experience that we can. Sometimes that can be very difficult. One moment that sticks in my mind is a family that were awaiting the passing of their beloved father who had a cardiac arrest surrounded his bed whilst another patient, drug and alcohol addict in the bay beside him shouting and roared abuse at the nurses. Security had to be called and it was a huge commotion. Ended up sedating the man as he continued to get aggressive and violent with staff continuously shouting profanity. All while the family of the sick man cried their eyes out saying their final goodbyes.
Hospital staff receive excellent support from the Pallative care team and they are hands down one of the most important people when it comes to impending death. From pain and symptom management to comfort measures for both the patient and family! Infact there was an AMA on boards recently from a Pallative care nurse recently that really gives an insight into their role and the dying experience that is great reading.
As for you OP, every experience is going to be different based on your relationship with the person, your feelings and the circumstances but do what you feel is right. There would be nothing worse than holding back and once that person is gone thats it! I hope it's easy as can be experience for you. Im sorry that you are losing someone you love.

Highlights just how difficult being a nurse actually is. My sister is a nurse and I know that it's a tough job and so odd in that in times you get thanked and other times you get cursed in the same sentence. My sis worked in casualty for a while and it would really put you off drink as they get awful hassle from drunk people.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 07-03-2016 06:44AM

Twice for me.
1st time was panic and disbelief. I believed in my heart and soul that they wouldn't pass away, that they'd bounce back and get better. And I believed that right up until we were rushed out so they could start resus. While waiting, I was sure they'd come back out to tell us she was fine and to go back in to be with her.
That's obviously not what happened. But it was very surreal. Didn't really believe it.

2nd time was horrific. They'd been sick for months but really really really sick for 3 months. They were fighting a horrific disease and it literally picked them apart before it took him.
In the nights leading up to it, he was coming in and going out of consciousness, he'd go from being aware I was there and being angry telling me to go home, to gripping my hand so hard his knuckles turned white. He knew he was dying and I believe he didn't want me to see that because he thought I wouldn't be able to cope with it. He fought so hard and a couple of nights before he passed away, I took his hand and told him it was okay for him to let go, that we would be okay, he was amazing and he didn't have to keep fighting. Broke my heart telling him such lies but I think he needed to hear it.
When he passed away it was awful. Part of me was so relieved, he was so sick it wasn't fair on him he didn't deserve that and I was glad he was at peace and not in pain. Part of me was so guilty for feeling relieved, but watching someone so weak fight for every last breath they took, desperate to hold on was awful.

I hope it's somewhere I never have to be ever again.

CarrickMcJoe · 07-03-2016 08:47AM

John_Rambo wrote: »

fryup, afterhours isn't the place for this, and we're all going to be in this place at some stage or another. I'm going to report your post and see if it can be moved to a more suitable place.

I hope your upcoming experience isn't to traumatic.

Right place, if you remember the Thread, My wife is dying, which was treated with total dignity by AH.

Wife went through it 12 months ago but her mum was in a home. It was a very peaceful time when she passed but distressing to hear the death rattle.

NIMAN · 07-03-2016 09:05AM

Been at one, but wouldn't say it was a deathbed, as it wasn't expected and was a sudden death due to a heart attack.

It wasn't pleasant viewing as I held them while they had a couple more attacks after the initial one. Not easy to see or remember, but I am still so glad I was there for them at that time.

It had a profound effect on my life then and since. Changed the person I am.

sullivlo · 07-03-2016 09:26AM

Last year my aunt lost her battle to cancer. She died on the 22nd January.

The Christmas before, we all flew over to spend one last Christmas together as a family. It was never discussed, but deep down we knew.

Over the next few weeks she rapidly deteriorated. She was brought to the hospice but hated it so was moved back home.

When the call came, we all jumped back on a flight. I arrived on the Tuesday evening and she was still lucid and requesting champagne. We obliged - the hospice nurses that visited said that it wouldn't do her any harm. They put her on a morphine pump to help with pain.

Then we waited. It was, essentially, a comedy of errors over the next 48 hours. If it could go wrong, it did go wrong. But as a family we all had the absolute privilege of sitting with her during her final hours.

I had a bit of a wobble on the Wednesday night. I was due to fly home on the Thursday but wasn't really ready to say goodbye. I was going to cancel my flight. I sat with her a while longer and just was content in her company. She slept a lot.

I said "goodnight, love you" and went to the hotel to sleep. We got a call at 5.30 am to say that she had slipped away in her sleep. Her husband was asleep beside her and when he woke up she was gone.

We went back to the house. It was the first time I had ever seen a dead body (I have a fear) but she looked simply peaceful. At ease.

While we weren't there for the actual passing, it was a comfort and honour and privilege to spend her last few days by her side. Also, of course, distressing. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

Christ I don't half miss her. She was my second mother. Also my godmother. Yesterday was really tough without her. I haven't managed to work up the courage to delete her number from my phone. The last nice photo I have of us is at my PhD graduation. It was her dream for me to graduate from trinity. She got to see it. She was too ill to travel over for my viva, so the morning after I flew straight over and we drank champagne and ate nice food - a memory I will cherish forever. Along with the empty bottle that I use to hold a candle.

Gwynplaine · 07-03-2016 10:34AM

When you hear the 'death rattles', it's a sound you will never forget.

NIMAN · 07-03-2016 10:36AM

Does anyone know for sure if the morphine driver that you hear about, does it actually shorten life?

You often hear that once thats mentioned, you are at the end. But I would think that if you are so far gone that you need that, you are at the point of no return anyway.

Is it different from getting morphine over the space of a few days?

allibastor · 07-03-2016 10:39AM

Hey Fryup,

As someone who recently went through this. It is tough, but it does depend on what they are going through.

We had a protracted cancer battle which was long and drawn out. In the end the gentle passing was better, but it took 4 months of lucid and non-lucid moments for this.

I hope things goes well and that the passing is smooth. If you need to bounce ideas or thoughts, just PM.

Hope you and the family are alright also.

John_Rambo · 07-03-2016 10:43AM

Darkest Horse wrote: »

Who makes you the custodian of propriety around here? The cheek of you. Have you nothing better to be doing like annoying your neighbours?

Yeah, we’ve been through this, I got called out on it and explained myself, I jumped the gun. I’m just aware that on after-hours there’s a lot of morons that don’t read the full threads and burst in with stupid comments on their high horses.

I’d suggest you read the full thread before you burst in on your darkest high horse.

esforum · 07-03-2016 10:50AM

Grandmother and leukemia, wasnt a nice experience. She was in pain, doped up, didnt recognise anyone in the room and kept calling out for my dead grandfather. Not a nice way to remember someone and unfortunately its now the last memory I have of her. My cousin who lived in the UK at the time didnt come home either then or for the funeral a few days later. Next time I see her I must ask does she regret her decision.

The flying mouse · 07-03-2016 10:55AM

A few years ago i got the call that i had to come back to Ireland asap,as my father could pass on at any hour.

Fly back straight away and went straight to the hospital where my father was just lying there,knowing he was going to die.

He perked up when he seen me as he could still talk,and we just joked and talked about everything in a jokingly way.

He asked me to stay out of trouble and to look after our Ma,Then he just grasped for air and died .All very surreal, the nurses were great and then we all had to pull together as a family,in which we did. It effected us all very differently but especially my mother who still had to live in the house with the memories of my father everywhere, Miss my father a lot as we had some great times together.

IvyTheTerrible · 07-03-2016 11:03AM

I think it really depends on how they go.
My grandmother had dementia, she had been in a home for the last 6 months of her life and (aggravated by an MRSA infection) was in a lot of pain, she hadn't recognised anyone or been herself for a long time so that was awful (but a release, in a way).
My grandfather died under a year later, he died of cancer, but it came on him very quick (a month from diagnosis to death), and he died at home, surrounded by all his family, he didn't even need the morphine he had been prescribed for pain relief. He had lived a long and happy life and really he was heartbroken by my granny dying so he was ready to go and it was a completely different experience from my granny's death. We were sad he died but I think they way he died couldn't have been better. We celebrated his life after he died. I don't know if I'm explaining that well. Basically when I go, I hope it's like my granddad and not like my granny.

whiskeyman · 07-03-2016 11:05AM

It can be very tough.
Be sure to have family and friends near and talk about anything and everything.

Don't expect to know what to do or how to react. Everyone reacts differently and try to avoid family conflicts... some may be irked how others react at such an emotional and distressing time.
The whole 'deathbed' time seemed like a blur although it was prolonged enough in my experience... the aftermath was a lot lot worse.

From the end, to the funeral to the days and weeks / months after. This can be the time that can hit you the hardest as your mind and emotions are less distracted.

Look after yourself and those around you as best you can.

Being at a Deathbed ?

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