Being at a Deathbed ?

fryup

Its something i'll be experiencing soon...so whats it like seeing a loved one as they near the end??

distressing? heartbreaking? comforting?

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

I imagine it's different for everybody.

mahamageehad

Depends on if they're dying from something contagious or not I guess!

Seriously though, it would depend on the person dying and your relationship to them. I hope they have a peaceful death.

uck51js9zml2yt

Also depends where it is.
Was at a death in a hospital where a high dose of morphine was given to ease pain/ speed things up... Wasn't nice.

John_Rambo

fryup, afterhours isn't the place for this, and we're all going to be in this place at some stage or another. I'm going to report your post and see if it can be moved to a more suitable place.

I hope your upcoming experience isn't to traumatic.

steddyeddy

Kimora Loud Murk wrote: »

Also depends where it is.
Was at a death in a hospital where a high dose of morphine was given to ease pain/ speed things up... Wasn't nice.

Do they still do that?

steddyeddy

John_Rambo wrote: »

fryup, afterhours isn't the place for this, and we're all going to be in this place at some stage or another. I'm going to report your post and see if it can be moved to a more suitable place.

I hope your upcoming experience isn't to traumatic.

That's ridiculous. I'm sure whatever forum the chap feels comfortable is the most appropriate.

uck51js9zml2yt

steddyeddy wrote: »

Do they still do that?

I think it really depends on the circumstances.

Comforting and distressing.

david75

Held my grandas hand as he died at 93. In a cold sterile hospital ward with 5 other men in it. Took two things from it. Family are pointless if you're gonna have that many kids and they leave you in a home for years and no way do I want to reach 93.

It is a strange thing but as has been said its different for everyone.

steddyeddy

My auntie died recently surrounded by friends and family. It was beautiful tbh. I'd like to die in the arms of someone I love.

fryup

John_Rambo wrote: »

fryup, afterhours isn't the place for this, and we're all going to be in this place at some stage or another. I'm going to report your post and see if it can be moved to a more suitable place.

I hope your upcoming experience isn't to traumatic.

AH has the most users, all the other forums are too quiet

(anyway i don't care if someone acts the dick)

david75

steddyeddy wrote: »

Do they still do that?

It's the MO for people dying seriously painful deaths like cancers etc.

Weirdly hush hush and ironic given how backward we are on the whole issue at the other end, meaning birth and all the complications around it. It's not assisted death officially but it sort of is.

Tefral

ive done this twice and both times i felt the same. An extreme sadness but also serenity. If your at their deathbed you were probably there for any suffering they went through and at some point its nice to be there for them when they are not in pain.

I can think of nothing nicer than being surrounded by my loved ones as i die and thats what i was thinking.

Its an intensely personal experience, only you will know how you feel at the time comes. Everyone is different

aaronjumper

fryup wrote: »

Its something i'll be experiencing soon...so whats it like seeing a loved one as they near the end??

distressing? heartbreaking? comforting?

It's the two in bold in my experience unfortunately. My sympathies to you.

John_Rambo

steddyeddy wrote: »

That's ridiculous. I'm sure whatever forum the chap feels comfortable is the most appropriate.

Fair enough, and fryup, read your most recent post... point taken. I'm probably being oversensitive. Recent experience comes in to it.

Tilikum

It's weird this thread was started on Mother's Day. Because I can remember my mother's death bed (14 yrs ago) like it was 20min ago and it's certainly not a story for after hours

steddyeddy

Bit of a sad one for me but a girlfriend I was with years ago died of pancreatic cancer when I was dating her. Not something I like to talk about but it comes up every now and again.

Her last words to me when I was leaving was "night baby". That was a bit much for me so I kissed her on the forehead and said goodnight.

It was as a previous poster put it deeply sad and serene at the same time.

steddyeddy

John_Rambo wrote: »

Fair enough, and fryup, read your most recent post... point taken. I'm probably being oversensitive. Recent experience comes in to it.

Very sorry to hear that! It actually got me a bit teary thinking about the past.

itac

Heartbreakingly surreally beautifully devastatingly comforting experience....for me anyhoo. Was lucky in that, our devastation aside, it was a peaceful passing at home in her own bed for my Aunt, with her soulmate hubby holding her one side, and her big sisters on the other. For me, watching her eyes stop moving was one of the most heartbreaking moments I think I'll ever experience. You're never quite the same after it.

Hope it goes as ok as it can do for you and yours. It's a strange thing to experience, and no matter how much you prepare yourself for that last goodbye in that final moment, after it's over, it hurts a billion times more than you'd ever think possible. Take care of yourself Fryup,xx

Filmer Paradise

david75 wrote: »

It's the MO for people dying seriously painful deaths like cancers etc.

Weirdly hush hush and ironic given how backward we are on the whole issue at the other end, meaning birth and all the complications around it. It's not assisted death officially but it sort of is.

I only discovered that at my Mam's passing. She'd had a stroke & there was no hope of recovery.

I believe they eased her out with Morphene. If they did, I've got no problem with it anyway.

I happened to be present when the end came. I'm not religious but I found it a Spiritual experiance.

I just felt that my Mam had gone 'somewhere else'.

Hope this helps OP.

dresden8

A hospice is a wonderful place full of wonderful people.

Don't know the hubbub of a general hospital ward, thank God.

Edit: And than God for the drugs. When it's time it's time. No one I know would dispute that.

Tasden

I feel very privileged to have been there for a family member in their last moments. It was distressing but I have a lovely memory to hold on to from that time and I know for sure that they died knowing they were loved. I'm thankful I was there.

FunLover18

My gran took hours to go, it was ridiculous yet pretty surreal that we were all there, just waiting for her to die. There was about ten of us there, her own children, their partners and the grandkids who were in the country. We would rotate between her room and the nursing home's tea room. I have to say that aside from her dying it was a pretty good night because in that great Irish tradition everyone was trying to make light of the situation; plenty of tea was drunk and we even got in some pizzas. But when the time does eventually come there's no getting away from it. You'll have a new appreciation for the term 'death rattle', don't think I'll ever forget that.

Darkest Horse

John_Rambo wrote: »

fryup, afterhours isn't the place for this, and we're all going to be in this place at some stage or another. I'm going to report your post and see if it can be moved to a more suitable place.

I hope your upcoming experience isn't to traumatic.

Who makes you the custodian of propriety around here? The cheek of you. Have you nothing better to be doing like annoying your neighbours?

Pretzill

A feeling of helplessness, distressing, a bit scary if I'm honest, surreal but a true release when they go.

But good that you can be there for them OP - that's important and life altering in a way. Wishing you well OP.

Filmer Paradise

When you get to a certain age, say 40's on, this is a situation that most of us face.

A lot of the adults you knew as a child, the vital ones, start to 'disappear'.

I find myself going to a fair few funerals now for parents of childhood friends, workmates, etc.

Having been through the whole process myself, I now realise how important it is to show yer face at these occasions.

timthumbni

Not nice but everyone of us will be away in but a blink of an eye in time. If you are on good terms and have made your peace with your loved one then Try to take it as just a sad moment.

Then celebrate their life and learn from it. Work less, worry less, be more spontaneous etc as the only guarantee in life is that you are here for a very short time. And you will be forgotten very quickly.. No matter how many Facebook friends you have.

stoplooklisten

Serenity,peace, comfort, shock, running on adrenalin...a whole bag of mix emotions

Turtyturd

Not something that I have experienced nor something that I hope to experience. Might sound selfish but I would rather someone's death come as a surprise than have to go through the whole experience.

PTH2009

Waiting in a side room in the hospital is the worst thing ever.

My man was in a coma for about a week and we were told to come out and she passed at about 5am.

I felt sad but didn't cry or anything knw it was going to happen.

goz83

I'm very bottled when it comes to strong emotions, regardless of positive, or negative. I stay in the controlled zone. Its a blessing and a curse. However, the death of my older brother a few years ago (he was in his early thirties and died in an unprovoked assault in the uk) broke me up. I felt an overwhelming sadness and grief and could not stop the tears from coming. This happened at the funeral too, but was not as strong.

I think the sudden loss and the circumstances made it much more difficult.

maryishere

timthumbni wrote: »

Not nice but everyone of us will be away in but a blink of an eye in time. If you are on good terms and have made your peace with your loved one then Try to take it as just a sad moment.

Then celebrate their life and learn from it. Work less, worry less, be more spontaneous etc as the only guarantee in life is that you are here for a very short time. And you will be forgotten very quickly.. No matter how many Facebook friends you have.

Good advice. Life is short.

Filmer Paradise

goz83 wrote: »

I'm very bottled when it comes to strong emotions, regardless of positive, or negative. I stay in the controlled zone. Its a blessing and a curse. However, the death of my older brother a few years ago (he was in his early thirties and died in an unprovoked assault in the uk) broke me up. I felt an overwhelming sadness and grief and could not stop the tears from coming. This happened at the funeral too, but was not as strong.

I think the sudden loss and the circumstances made it much more difficult.

There's a big difference between the sudden death of someone young & someone old, sick & at the end of the show.

The death of an old person can be often be seen as a happy release. When a young person goes suddenly, I'm sure the effect upon those around them can be devastating.

Yamanoto

david75 wrote: »

It's the MO for people dying seriously painful deaths like cancers etc.

Weirdly hush hush and ironic given how backward we are on the whole issue at the other end, meaning birth and all the complications around it. It's not assisted death officially but it sort of is.

I don't think it's hush hush at all tbf.

Administration of heavy doses of morphine to ease someone along in their end game features as part of palliative care in almost every hospital in the State, on a daily basis.

You could be there for a long time. Hours, or days. You're not really prepared for that. You can't really go anywhere, or do anything. We watched a lot of news, and ate a lot of sandwiches.

darkpagandeath

Incredibly difficult places, Hart goes out to anyone that has to goto one. I hope I go to sleep and don't wake up peaceful like.

stoplooklisten

darkpagandeath wrote: »

Incredibly difficult places, Hart goes out to anyone that has to goto one. I hope I go to sleep and don't wake up peaceful like.

you surprise me dark pagan death, I got the impression you would have preferred something more dark and pagany

darkpagandeath

stoplooklisten wrote: »

you surprise me dark pagan death, I got the impression you would have preferred something more dark and pagany

Well I want to be burned on a pyre after it's over :P

Lo there do I see my father; Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers; Lo there do I see the line of my people, back to the beginning. Lo, they do call me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever.

Canis Lupus

Depends on who it is and relationship to them. I've done two. The moment of death is sad but not a 'bad' experience as one minute they'll be breathing and the next gone. The lead up however can potentially be very distressing depending on what they're dying of.

When my father was dying he knew he was very sick but no one told him the end was approaching (heart failure) so he really went downhill over the course of a week even though he remained awake and chatty and then very rapidly declined over 48 hours till he passed. I wasn't close to my father but it was very hard knowing he was dying whilst he himself didn't and spending long hours with him whilst my mother tried to get some rest. When he finally died, like I said, it was a quick moment and I was glad for him because those final 48 hours sucked.....

So be there for the person and be strong for them. If you think it might help, talk to one of the palliative care nurses as to what to expect and how best to help the person passing.

david75

Yamanoto wrote: »

I don't think it's hush hush at all tbf.

Administration of heavy doses of morphine to ease someone along in their end game features as part of palliative care in almost every hospital in the State, on a daily basis.

Oh I know that. I'm just always baffled about how it's an accepted form of euthanasia at the last and as you said it happens all the time and yet if you have a foetus threatening your life for whatever reason the sensible option of saving the mothers life isn't taken or even legal.

I don't want to make this thread about that. Some lovely but sad stories here let's focus on how people manage
And what their experiences are.
As another poster said, thank god for the drugs in these situations. If a loved one gets to slip out from under the pain in any way I support it.

edber2011

Lost my dad in 2010(age 71)to prostate cancer and it was a cruel time.
Took me a long time to grieve,i still cry sometimes,even now.
Im in my 40s and I still grieve to this day.
Its a hard thing to deal with,surreal at the time,as you think its all a bad dream or something.
But then that person is no longer going to walk in the door.

RoadhouseBlues

Was in the hospice with my mother. We were all there. It was fairly calm. Although we thought she was gone, and then it seemed like ages after, she took another breath and then she was gone. With my father before though. He wanted to stay at home, so he had a nurse come out every night. I will never forget. The last night, I called down to his room, and I was telling him that the cats were calling outside. He loved the cats. I got up to go to the bathroom. I was gone about 2 mins, and when I got back he was gone. I have never got over that, and prob never will. I wish I was there with him. I'm sure he knows though...

timthumbni

RoadhouseBlues wrote: »

Was in the hospice with my mother. We were all there. It was fairly calm. Although we thought she was gone, and then it seemed like ages after, she took another breath and then she was gone. With my father before though. He wanted to stay at home, so he had a nurse come out every night. I will never forget. The last night, I called down to his room, and I was telling him that the cats were calling outside. He loved the cats. I got up to go to the bathroom. I was gone about 2 mins, and when I got back he was gone. I have never got over that, and prob never will. I wish I was there with him. I'm sure he knows though...

I think the fact you were there or thereabouts absolves you ( and I'm not religious) I lost a parent when I was a young cub face to face and it changed me greatly. Some things for the good, some for the bad.

In your case I'm sure your da may even have had a wee snigger to himself that you were in the bogs. You certainly can't beat yourself up about it.

I have said to my partner that if and when I go I want no tears, no fake tears, no uncomfortable wakes or funerals. I want a private wake and a private funeral. And anyone who says I'm sorry for your loss will get ejected.....

RoadhouseBlues

timthumbni wrote: »

I think the fact you were there or thereabouts absolves you ( and I'm not religious) I lost a parent when I was a young cub face to face and it changed me greatly. Some things for the good, some for the bad.

In your case I'm sure your da may even have had a wee snigger to himself that you were in the bogs. You certainly can't beat yourself up about it.

I have said to my partner that if and when I go I want no tears, no fake tears, no uncomfortable wakes or funerals. I want a private wake and a private funeral. And anyone who says I'm sorry for your loss will get ejected.....

Thats real nice of you to say. Thank you. I keep thinking about the song I want for when its my time. But it keeps changing:-). And to be fair, the priest prob wont allow a song at all:):):):)

timthumbni

RoadhouseBlues wrote: »

Thats real nice of you to say. Thank you. I keep thinking about the song I want for when its my time. But it keeps changing:-). And to be fair, the priest prob wont allow a song at all:):):):)

You are welcome. You obviously loved your parents and I'm sure they would be proud of you.

Talking of music My final songs will be:-

Johnny cash - the ballad of Ira Hayes ( as my coffin is brought in)
Queen - bohemian rhapsody (mid service - to liven everyone up)
Luke Kelly - scorn not his simplicity (beginning of the end) (the best most moving song ever imo)
Finale - the monster mash song (as my coffin is taken out) (just to take the piss)

Plus if it's possible I want to be put into the ground as Lana del rey sings "ride" as the sun sets. That would be pretty cool Imo.

Vodkat

I've been her both in my professional life and personal life. Working in ICU I experience death on a regular basis. As a nurse, we try to make it the most dignified experience that we can. Sometimes that can be very difficult. One moment that sticks in my mind is a family that were awaiting the passing of their beloved father who had a cardiac arrest surrounded his bed whilst another patient, drug and alcohol addict in the bay beside him shouting and roared abuse at the nurses. Security had to be called and it was a huge commotion. Ended up sedating the man as he continued to get aggressive and violent with staff continuously shouting profanity. All while the family of the sick man cried their eyes out saying their final goodbyes.
Hospital staff receive excellent support from the Pallative care team and they are hands down one of the most important people when it comes to impending death. From pain and symptom management to comfort measures for both the patient and family! Infact there was an AMA on boards recently from a Pallative care nurse recently that really gives an insight into their role and the dying experience that is great reading.
As for you OP, every experience is going to be different based on your relationship with the person, your feelings and the circumstances but do what you feel is right. There would be nothing worse than holding back and once that person is gone thats it! I hope it's easy as can be experience for you. Im sorry that you are losing someone you love.

Talula123

It's hard to watch but I think I was just on auto pilot, it didn't really hit me till she actually died and thats when I broke down. Especially at the funeral and afterwards, during the wake and everything i was surrounded by family and being kept busy but when i was in the church at her funeral and at the burial the 6 weeks of watching her die hit me like a train. For me when she was on her death bed I was so focused on letting her know that I was there, that she was loved and making sure she didn't feel alone.
I think being aware that she was dying for the weeks before hand let it all sink in which allowed me to grieve. Ive lost people suddenly since then and it didn't effect me in the same way at all, i dont think i ever really grieved for them, not because I didnt care or I didnt love them but because it happened so suddenly its like my brain never registered what happened, I still sometimes almost ask my granny or my mam how my grandad is even though he died 3 years ago, the fact he went so suddenly i feel like it just never really hit home.

timthumbni

Vodkat wrote: »

I've been her both in my professional life and personal life. Working in ICU I experience death on a regular basis. As a nurse, we try to make it the most dignified experience that we can. Sometimes that can be very difficult. One moment that sticks in my mind is a family that were awaiting the passing of their beloved father who had a cardiac arrest surrounded his bed whilst another patient, drug and alcohol addict in the bay beside him shouting and roared abuse at the nurses. Security had to be called and it was a huge commotion. Ended up sedating the man as he continued to get aggressive and violent with staff continuously shouting profanity. All while the family of the sick man cried their eyes out saying their final goodbyes.
Hospital staff receive excellent support from the Pallative care team and they are hands down one of the most important people when it comes to impending death. From pain and symptom management to comfort measures for both the patient and family! Infact there was an AMA on boards recently from a Pallative care nurse recently that really gives an insight into their role and the dying experience that is great reading.
As for you OP, every experience is going to be different based on your relationship with the person, your feelings and the circumstances but do what you feel is right. There would be nothing worse than holding back and once that person is gone thats it! I hope it's easy as can be experience for you. Im sorry that you are losing someone you love.

Highlights just how difficult being a nurse actually is. My sister is a nurse and I know that it's a tough job and so odd in that in times you get thanked and other times you get cursed in the same sentence. My sis worked in casualty for a while and it would really put you off drink as they get awful hassle from drunk people.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Twice for me.
1st time was panic and disbelief. I believed in my heart and soul that they wouldn't pass away, that they'd bounce back and get better. And I believed that right up until we were rushed out so they could start resus. While waiting, I was sure they'd come back out to tell us she was fine and to go back in to be with her.
That's obviously not what happened. But it was very surreal. Didn't really believe it.

2nd time was horrific. They'd been sick for months but really really really sick for 3 months. They were fighting a horrific disease and it literally picked them apart before it took him.
In the nights leading up to it, he was coming in and going out of consciousness, he'd go from being aware I was there and being angry telling me to go home, to gripping my hand so hard his knuckles turned white. He knew he was dying and I believe he didn't want me to see that because he thought I wouldn't be able to cope with it. He fought so hard and a couple of nights before he passed away, I took his hand and told him it was okay for him to let go, that we would be okay, he was amazing and he didn't have to keep fighting. Broke my heart telling him such lies but I think he needed to hear it.
When he passed away it was awful. Part of me was so relieved, he was so sick it wasn't fair on him he didn't deserve that and I was glad he was at peace and not in pain. Part of me was so guilty for feeling relieved, but watching someone so weak fight for every last breath they took, desperate to hold on was awful.

I hope it's somewhere I never have to be ever again.

CarrickMcJoe

John_Rambo wrote: »

fryup, afterhours isn't the place for this, and we're all going to be in this place at some stage or another. I'm going to report your post and see if it can be moved to a more suitable place.

I hope your upcoming experience isn't to traumatic.

Right place, if you remember the Thread, My wife is dying, which was treated with total dignity by AH.

Wife went through it 12 months ago but her mum was in a home. It was a very peaceful time when she passed but distressing to hear the death rattle.