Your most embarrassing sex story

razorblunt · 16-02-2016 01:55PM

smash wrote: »

I gave up after

Because it sounds like a badly written porno from a 14yr old.

It reads like one of those stories from FHM back in the day.

Stealthfins · 16-02-2016 02:10PM

I remember in my late 20's meeting a really attractive looking older woman in The Bodega in Cork.
She was maybe late 40's early 50's.
Really classy looking and well spoken.

Anyway the following morning I woke up in a posh house in Montenotti beside a woman who looked like Iggy Pop

Gave up drinking that year,been sober ever since lol

It was 2003

Hammer89 · 16-02-2016 03:44PM

anvilfour wrote: »

I think some of you think you're doing something clever by saying that my experiences didn't happen but it's actually quite insulting. It takes a certain amount of humility and a sense of humour about yourself to admit to something shameful like this - it don't require any intelligence to sit there and say, "Yurr.. I dont tink dat happened."

I've been called a liar on here for re-telling certain sexual experiences too. I took it as a compliment because the better the story, the more cynicism it attracts. If you know it's true then nothing else matters.

kunst nugget · 16-02-2016 03:50PM

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters…

Hammer89 · 16-02-2016 03:51PM

kunst nugget wrote: »

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters…

Maybe anvilfour's ex wrote that song.

One More Toy · 16-02-2016 03:55PM

First time sex was a joke. Met a nice bird out on the town back at college, she was far more experienced than i was. Didnt tell her i was a virgin though im sure she knew.

Anyway think of the scene from the inbetweeners with Will doing Charlotte for the first time.

Yep, that was me.

Bonus story of first bj, i came in her mouth, she sneezed and shot it all out

Yeah_Right · 16-02-2016 04:27PM

I originally put this post in a thread about socially awkward situations a couple of years ago and I thought it might be appropriate for this thread as well.

Years ago when I was 18, I was going to a party with my girlfriend (16). It was her friends party and she lived on the other side of town so I was going to spend the night at the GFs parents place in the spare room. There was a big rugby game the night on the other side of the world so kick off was at 3am.
We get home, her parents are in bed so we start watching the game in the spare room. Its not long before neither of us are paying any attention to the match (apart from the odd look when a try was scored). Anyway she finally goes to her own room after the game finishes and I fall asleep happy (my team won).
Next morning we are in the kitchen and her mum is making us some breakfast asking us about the night. She asks us what the match was like. Then says "it didn't sound like the 2 of you were really watching it". I spit my coffee all over the table and the daughter goes bright red. As the mum serves us breakfast "hope you were careful and you are lucky your father didn't wake up".
It was an awkward silent breakfast and a long time before I visited that house again.

armaghlad · 16-02-2016 04:29PM

A friend of mine (yes a friend) wouldn't be the sharpest tool in the box...

In his line of work he is provided with a company mobile phone which each person doing the "on-call" shift uses.

So one night he's on call, is feeling randy and decides to text Anouska (a prostitute with whom he has previously been acquainted with) and he decides to use the work phone instead of his own personal one. Like I said not the sharpest tool in the box.

Anyway he continues on with his endeavour and ends the shift and the phone is returned to the work place the next day. The perfect crime one would think.

Not so much for his colleague who is on call for the next night. He does his shift without incident and as such has no need to even look at the phone. Once he is off call he goes to sleep. As per procedure whoever is on call has to return the phone to the depot the next day; however for whatever reason this guy forget to do so and left the phone in his house. The wife, being a curious being had a quick nosey through the phone. Cue the poor guy getting ****ed out of the house as a result!

armaghlad · 16-02-2016 06:27PM

More a tale of endeavour rather than embarrassment but still worthy of inclusion...

Interrailing across Europe and we found ourselves in Prague. There happened to a party of girls from home some of the guys knew; and upon speaking to them they told us to avoid a particularly lively bar that we thought looked good, because it was "full of prostitutes". No prizes for guessing where we went that evening for a few jars...

Anyway one of the lads, we'll call him C, is particularly drunk and is also slightly frustrated; as he wouldn't be the best looking chap and as such sexual encounters would be few and far between. Anyhoo, he always had a particular fondness for oriental type ladies and there just so happened to be an Asian girl across the room.

After a while C is eventually drunk enough to build up the courage to approach this lady, and enquires as to how much her services would cost for the evening. An obvious language barrier means that this isnt exactly easy; and her accompanying friend soon realises what C is asking. She shouts at him, pushes him away and pulls her friend outside for a smoke, leaving C quite confused and dismayed at this rebuttal.

It soon dawns on him that this lady was not in fact a prostitute. The fantasy is over you'd think... Fear not. C is made of sterner stuff. He sees that the girls are smokers but their lighter is faulty. Using some quick thinking he immediately takes a lighter off from one of the lads and brings it to the girls. He then somehow manages to engage in meaningful conversation with the two females and weasel his way back into the good books. At this stage however, we are tired, and one of our other friends is paralytic and needs brought back to the hostel. We try to get C to join us but he has done far too much groundwork at this stage to give up now. He says he will join us later on and we leave him fighting what we thought was a losing battle...

Fast forward to 7am in the morning and I'm being woke up by one of the lads very quietly trying his best not to laugh. He points over to the bunk beds and there is the sight that I will never forget. A white arse and two red balls going at it like a dog on heat. They are oblivious to the fact that they have an audience and it isn't long before the girl's underwear is spotted on the floor and commandeered. Obviously we thought the logical thing to do was put the girl's underwear on our paralytic friends face who was still drunk from the night before who was sleeping on the bunk beside C. They soon finished up and your wan slipped off minus her under garments. C was pretty impressed with himself having clutched victory from the jaws of defeat; while we had a good chuckle at paralytic who was at this stage awake but still unaware that he had an Asian girls pink pants on his face

allibastor · 18-02-2016 05:47PM

armaghlad wrote: »

More a tale of endeavour rather than embarrassment but still worthy of inclusion...

Interrailing across Europe and we found ourselves in Prague. There happened to a party of girls from home some of the guys knew; and upon speaking to them they told us to avoid a particularly lively bar that we thought looked good, because it was "full of prostitutes". No prizes for guessing where we went that evening for a few jars...

Anyway one of the lads, we'll call him C, is particularly drunk and is also slightly frustrated; as he wouldn't be the best looking chap and as such sexual encounters would be few and far between. Anyhoo, he always had a particular fondness for oriental type ladies and there just so happened to be an Asian girl across the room.

After a while C is eventually drunk enough to build up the courage to approach this lady, and enquires as to how much her services would cost for the evening. An obvious language barrier means that this isnt exactly easy; and her accompanying friend soon realises what C is asking. She shouts at him, pushes him away and pulls her friend outside for a smoke, leaving C quite confused and dismayed at this rebuttal.

It soon dawns on him that this lady was not in fact a prostitute. The fantasy is over you'd think... Fear not. C is made of sterner stuff. He sees that the girls are smokers but their lighter is faulty. Using some quick thinking he immediately takes a lighter off from one of the lads and brings it to the girls. He then somehow manages to engage in meaningful conversation with the two females and weasel his way back into the good books. At this stage however, we are tired, and one of our other friends is paralytic and needs brought back to the hostel. We try to get C to join us but he has done far too much groundwork at this stage to give up now. He says he will join us later on and we leave him fighting what we thought was a losing battle...

Fast forward to 7am in the morning and I'm being woke up by one of the lads very quietly trying his best not to laugh. He points over to the bunk beds and there is the sight that I will never forget. A white arse and two red balls going at it like a dog on heat. They are oblivious to the fact that they have an audience and it isn't long before the girl's underwear is spotted on the floor and commandeered. Obviously we thought the logical thing to do was put the girl's underwear on our paralytic friends face who was still drunk from the night before who was sleeping on the bunk beside C. They soon finished up and your wan slipped off minus her under garments. C was pretty impressed with himself having clutched victory from the jaws of defeat; while we had a good chuckle at paralytic who was at this stage awake but still unaware that he had an Asian girls pink pants on his face

Best story ever!

cowboyBuilder · 18-02-2016 11:46PM

anvilfour wrote: »

I think some of you think you're doing something clever by saying that my experiences didn't happen but it's actually quite insulting. It takes a certain amount of humility and a sense of humour about yourself to admit to something shameful like this - it don't require any intelligence to sit there and say, "Yurr.. I dont tink dat happened."

you´re right, takes some balls to admitting **** of your mate

Unless your bi-sexual ....
WHY??????

armaghlad · 21-02-2016 05:37PM

Not really a sex story but one we took the piss out of for ages.

There used to be a country pub near us with attached disco when we were younger where we'd head to because we weren't of legal age. Due to the remote location, this place flaunted the drinking laws but it was also hard to get a taxi from back into town.

I had two friends and both are 2nd or 3rd cousins. One of them lived close-ish to the pub while the other lived in town, so one Saturday night he stayed over at the cousins house out in the sticks.

He wasn't overly familiar with the lay out of the bungalow as he had rarely been in it. So after a night at the disco he was in cousin's room when he wakes up in the early hours needing the toilet. Still drunk he gets up and finds his way to the bathroom, relieves himself and tries to make his way back to the bedroom. Finds the bedroom and climbs in to bed... beside none other than the da! Nonethewiser he's about to go to sleep before the da who had just woken tells him he's in the wrong bed! He didn't live that one down!

Stigura · 21-02-2016 06:25PM

Short and sweet:

" Stigura, you're in the wrong hole. "

'No, I'm not.'

" Yes, you are. "

'Mm. Yes. I s'pose you'd know best about that.' Shlip!

Bonzo Delaney · 21-02-2016 06:29PM

armaghlad wrote: »

Not really a sex story but one we took the piss out of for ages.

There used to be a country pub near us with attached disco when we were younger where we'd head to because we weren't of legal age. Due to the remote location, this place flaunted the drinking laws but it was also hard to get a taxi from back into town.

I had two friends and both are 2nd or 3rd cousins. One of them lived close-ish to the pub while the other lived in town, so one Saturday night he stayed over at the cousins house out in the sticks.

He wasn't overly familiar with the lay out of the bungalow as he had rarely been in it. So after a night at the disco he was in cousin's room when he wakes up in the early hours needing the toilet. Still drunk he gets up and finds his way to the bathroom, relieves himself and tries to make his way back to the bedroom. Finds the bedroom and climbs in to bed... beside none other than the da! Nonethewiser he's about to go to sleep before the da who had just woken tells him he's in the wrong bed! He didn't live that one down!

Was any body else expecting that story to go down the road of yer man pissing on to the folks bed or in to their wardrobe I've heard it happened to .....a friend ahem.

armaghlad · 21-02-2016 07:14PM

Bonzo Delaney wrote: »

Was any body else expecting that story to go down the road of yer man pissing on to the folks bed or in to their wardrobe I've heard it happened to .....a friend ahem.

Oh so you want a pissing story...

A group of friends in Galway about 4 years back for a jolly boy's outing... friend number one is particularly drunk and starts giving random people in the street abuse, including some elderly folk. Friend number 2 is livid but being as cute as a fox he bides his time. Later in the evening he pisses in friend number one's shoe and never let's on.

Friend number one only found this all out a few months ago.

astonaidan · 21-02-2016 09:47PM

Woke up in bed of girl I wasnt into but who knew had a crush on me, asked her if we did anything she said no, she didnt take kindly to my "Oh thank God"
What I learned dont drink and hang around stalkerish girls you have no interest in

ToddyDoody · 21-02-2016 09:49PM

But the most embarrassing one of all.....

*flop*

(and 'the lads' find out)

J Mysterio · 21-02-2016 10:09PM

armaghlad wrote: »

Oh so you want a pissing story...

A group of friends in Galway about 4 years back for a jolly boy's outing... friend number one is particularly drunk and starts giving random people in the street abuse, including some elderly folk. Friend number 2 is livid but being as cute as a fox he bides his time. Later in the evening he pisses in friend number one's shoe and never let's on.

Friend number one only found this all out a few months ago.

Nice friends.

Mister Vain · 21-02-2016 11:40PM

A cramp in the foot is a curse. It's even worse when it happens while you're doing it doggy style. You don't want to stop so you start stomping on the end of the bed to try and get rid of it and you end up looking like you're trying to start a motorbike. The cramp subsides momentarily but as you're about to change positions it comes back, resulting in your knee jerking forward and hitting her on the arse. You panic and immediately slap her on the other side of her arse to make it look like its part of the act.

callaway92 · 22-02-2016 02:02AM

Mister Vain wrote: »

A cramp in the foot is a curse. It's even worse when it happens while you're doing it doggy style. You don't want to stop so you start stomping on the end of the bed to try and get rid of it and you end up looking like you're trying to start a motorbike. The cramp subsides momentarily but as you're about to change positions it comes back, resulting in your knee jerking forward and hitting her on the arse. You panic and immediately slap her on the other side of her arse to make it look like its part of the act.

This is a complete copy almost word for word of a post a few pages back.

Professor Genius · 08-01-2020 08:33PM

Heavy Pierre wrote: »

There is another mate of mine completely obsessed with his own schlong to the point he has no interest in chasing lasses (or laddies for that matter). He opened up about it one night in the pub. It's highly odd - he even has pics of his own schlong on his phone for **** bank material. He keeps it waxed and everything !

Ha ha ! Funniest one so far ! Thanks to who pointed me to this thread ! You know who !

Your most embarrassing sex story

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