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Your most embarrassing sex story

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Comments

  • #842
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    Tompatrick wrote: »
    He had the bellend in the beak with the shaft in the sex button ring lifting the jug up and down. Was quite the sight till it went wrong.

    Wha? :confused:


  • #843
    Tompatrick
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 210 ✭✭Tompatrick


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    Wha? :confused:

    What ain't you getting you man (aside from the ride)?


  • #844
    Buckfast W
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 571 ✭✭✭Buckfast W


    Not very embarrassing for me more the girl I was with.

    Was in my cousins house he was on holiday for a few days so he gave me the key to look after the place. Was kinda seeing this girl so brought her over one day and we were watching Tv in the cousins bedroom. So one thing leads to another and we do the business (me on top). When we finish I pull out look down and see that the sheets are covered in blood. She knew that she was in her flowers but thought that everything would be ok, it wasn't. We stripped the bed and cleaned the sheets no problem but I had to flip the mattress and pray he didn't notice, 7 years later and he still hasn't copped it (I think/hope)


  • #845
    BattleCorp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,867 ✭✭✭✭BattleCorp


    Years ago, myself and a bird were shifting in a car on the beach (a well known spot for getting up to shenanigans). It was Summer and hot and we had the windows down.

    Up pulls a car beside us, another "courting" couple in it.

    They start getting frisky with each other when I hear a bit of a row in their car. Apparently he was trying to get her to give him a blow job but she mustn't have felt like gobbling down a sausage at that moment in time.

    The next thing I hear is him saying to her "look at you, ya fat fcuker and ya being choosey". :pac: :pac: :pac:

    I nearly fell out of the car laughing.


  • #846
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    The banjo string stories are making me wince and I don't even have a banjo string. :eek:

    Me and ex got married abroad and after the church we went on the batter. We went back to the room after a feed of booze. The double bed was actually two single beds pushed together and made up as a double. Anyway we were getting down to business when the beds parted and he fell down on the floor between them and he got all tangled up in the sheets. We were so p1ssed that he couldn't get out of it and I was laughing so much that I couldn't help him. He got a right snot on him over it and sulked for two days. Should have known then that he was a pr1ck!!


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  • #847
    Buona Fortuna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,507 ✭✭✭Buona Fortuna


    ^^ Me too.

    Not a sex story, but my wedding night was similar. Our room was huge and had three beds in it. I think we slept in them all, but it was late morning before we were both in the same bed at the same time.

    My best man was so locked that he spent the night going up and down the lift looking for his room. Every time he got to reception he apolagised for getting in the wrong lift. The hotel only had one, but its frightening what goes on in the head when you've had enough and then some. :)


  • #848
    Feed Up
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 55 ✭✭Feed Up


    This was 35 years ago.

    In hospital for a few days and a nurse was giving me a bed bath. Usual happened and she dealt with it - the Nurse's flick I've heard it called. Big red face, etc..........

    A couple of weeks later I'm in the local town with my mother and who do we meet but the nurse. Not only that but my mother knows her and they stop to talk. Oh yes she remembered me. More red face.................

    Afterwards my mother tells me she's a leading light in the Legion of Mary.


  • #849
    Mister Vain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,257 ✭✭✭Mister Vain


    Feed Up wrote: »
    Usual happened and she dealt with it - the Nurse's flick I've heard it called. Big red face, etc..........

    Could you elaborate on that please. :confused: :pac:


  • #850
    kunst nugget
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    Mister Vain wrote: »
    Could you elaborate on that please. :confused: :pac:

    There's a technique nurses use to get rid of unwanted erections that involves a tap to the helmet iirc. It's the Spock pinch of foreplay.


  • #851
    adam88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,610 ✭✭✭adam88


    Blitzkrieger wrote: »
    Probably tame by the standards of this thread, but I once... arrived unexpectedly in a girl's mouth. In my defence she could only expect one outcome after blowing me for so long and I gave her two warnings - one at T -90 and another at T -30. Three if you count the "Oh ****!" at T - 0.5. She wasn't happy....

    TBH I've never been good at the 'What do you want to do with the jizz' conversation. :o

    What does happen with it ??


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  • #852
    kfallon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    kunst nugget wrote: »
    There's a technique nurses use to get rid of unwanted erections that involves a tap to the helmet iirc. It's the Spock pinch of foreplay.

    A tap of the spoon :P


  • #853
    eisenberg1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,387 ✭✭✭eisenberg1


    adam88 wrote: »
    What does happen with it ??
    kfallon wrote: »
    A tap of the spoon :P

    Or a good smack with a biro.


  • #854
    Boom_Bap
    Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,740 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    eisenberg1 wrote: »
    Or a good smack with a biro.

    You know that scene in The Beach where DiCaprio punches the shark, that's another technique that is being trialled.

    I've one or 2 stories.
    When in Australia driving on a highway in the middle of nowhere, the 'horn' (that shall be expanded on shortly) took over and the ex started giving me head whilst I drove. After a while, I pulled the car over, pushed back her seat and reclined it and knelt in the footwell of the passanger side. I began the deed. She hurt her foot kicking the rear view mirror. So she adjusted her position and put her foot on the steering wheel.

    Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

    After the initial giggles, it was noted that this caught the attention of a mysteriously now busy highway compared to the deserted one it was a short time before.


    There was another time with the same girl in a hostel in Galway where the bed was beside a window that appeared to have nothing outside.
    Whilst on le job, there was a large hullaballo and cheering so I looked out the window. Turns out there was a balcony of an apartment that could see in and there was a party happening there. They all came out to cheer me on.


  • #855
    bud1970
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 229 ✭✭bud1970


    Had a bad moment at a party years ago...got very drunk, shifted this wee doll, left her home and went back to the party at my place.. crashed on the sofa, and then decided to jerk meself off thinking of her... unfortunateley everyone was watching me perform my "solo" never lived that one down.............


  • #856
    colossus-x
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,202 ✭✭✭colossus-x


    bud1970 wrote: »
    Had a bad moment at a party years ago...got very drunk, shifted this wee doll, left her home and went back to the party at my place.. crashed on the sofa, and then decided to jerk meself off thinking of her... unfortunateley everyone was watching me perform my "solo" never lived that one down.............

    xtube link please? : )


  • #857
    warpdrive
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 187 ✭✭warpdrive


    Timmyctc wrote: »
    Did he have sex with the snake then or what?


    This is one of the funniest replies I've seen on boards, don't know why


  • #858
    Lisacatlover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭Lisacatlover


    Once had a guy ask me if it was in yet...


  • #859
    dinorebel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,329 ✭✭✭dinorebel


    Lisacatlover wrote: »
    Once had a guy ask me if it was in yet...

    Had a girl ask me the same thing:o


  • #860
    anvilfour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭anvilfour


    My ex was one of those rare types who shared my vile taste for sodomy.

    One Saturday morning I decided to flip her over and began bumming her eagerly much to her approval.

    Unknown to us both her parents had been shopping nearby and decided to let themselves in by the big sliding bay window, into my living room.

    Cue them sitting on my sofa while I in blissful ignorance carried on ploughing her anus as she spouted filth like, "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

    I came deep within her bowels with a loud roar, shouting that she was my "ass whore" as I did so - she went off to clean herself in shower while I staggered into living room in my boxers to fix a fry up for us both to show my appreciation.

    Cue parents there sitting quietly. Dad had been gripping his knees firmly. Mum gives me knowing look.

    Not knowing what to say I offered them a cuppa, only for them to say they must be going. Turns out Mum's brother was in hospital so once Mum knocked on bathroom door sand explained this to my ex, she departed.

    We were all very red faced as you can imagine!

    The ex's Mum later tried to make things worse by talking with her about anal prolapse, fortunately she was able to steer away from the subject!


  • #861
    anvilfour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭anvilfour


    My ex was one of those rare types who shared my vile taste for sodomy.

    One Saturday morning I decided to flip her over and began bumming her eagerly much to her approval.

    Unknown to us both her parents had been shopping nearby and decided to let themselves in by the big sliding bay window, into my living room.

    Cue them sitting on my sofa while I in blissful ignorance carried on ploughing her anus as she spouted filth like, "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

    I came deep within her bowels with a loud roar, shouting that she was my "ass whore" as I did so - she went off to clean herself in shower while I staggered into living room in my boxers to fix a fry up for us both to show my appreciation.

    Cue parents there sitting quietly. Dad had been gripping his knees firmly. Mum gives me knowing look.

    Not knowing what to say I offered them a cuppa, only for them to say they must be going. Turns out Mum's brother was in hospital so once Mum knocked on bathroom door sand explained this to my ex, she departed.

    We were all very red faced as you can imagine!

    The ex's Mum later tried to make things worse by talking with her about anal prolapse, fortunately she was able to steer away from the subject!


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  • #862
    anvilfour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭anvilfour


    My previous confession of being overhead sodomising my ex by her parents in next room reminds me of a similar embarrassing incident!

    Visiting a friend of the family we'll call him John, who had celebrated his 22nd birthday the day beforehand, to give him a present because I'd been outside the country.

    The present was an Android tablet and being two young guys we decided to put his broadband session to good use by looking up lesbian porn.

    Cue John remarking casually that he practises mutual masturbation every now and then with a male friend of ours - I was shocked as he'd always been something of a ladies' man but told him if he needed to blow off some steam I'd be happy to help.

    Unfortunately the dynamics of holding a tablet in one hand while tugging off someone else are rather complex - in the end, I told him not to worry about me - he lay on the floor looking at nasty lesbians on the tablet while I began pulling away at his peter.

    This really hadn't been what I'd had in mind for a birthday surprise but decided to run with it!

    As I was pulling him off his gf rang - I tried to stop but he held onto my wrist and gestured for me to continue.

    They exchanged a few pleasantries with words to the effect that the gf was still in Spain on holiday but would be back on the weekend (this was a Friday).

    I don't know if the excitement got to him of cheating or whether it was just time but he came all over my hand a few moments after hanging up.

    I cleaned myself up and was happy to say no more about it but John kept saying he "felt selfish" and "always helps out his friends" - anyway the long and the short of it is that next thing I'm standing in front of John getting my first ever BJ from a guy.

    Tbh I was quite excited due to the novelty of it plus he was quite effeminate with long hair. Just as I'm grabbing his hair to push myself further down his throat, in walks none other than the gf back from her holiday!

    Turns out she wanted to surprise John but seems he surprised her instead! The funny part is that John had his back to her so her first reaction was, "Oh God, sorry!" Slammed door and run away.

    It was only when she went up to the big house and spoke to parentals did she put two and two together and realise that it was in fact her boyfriend sucking off another bloke.

    Of course I was long gone by then. Not much to tell about the aftermath - she stayed with him after he reassured her it was a one off but eventually left him after he cheated on her with a number of men and women.

    Out of spite she told people I was gay, which actually improved relations with the ladies for a short time!


  • #863
    fullstop
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,855 ✭✭✭✭fullstop


    ^^^ A+ for creative writing.


  • #864
    anvilfour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭anvilfour


    fullstop wrote:
    ^^^ A+ for creative writing.

    It's bad enough it happened without people like you being skeptical. If I wanted to make stuff up I'd probably invent one about a chance encounter with a Swedish girl in a sauna! 😀


  • #865
    fullstop
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,855 ✭✭✭✭fullstop


    anvilfour wrote: »
    It's bad enough it happened without people like you being skeptical. If I wanted to make stuff up I'd probably invent one about a chance encounter with a Swedish girl in a sauna! 😀

    In that case, I think the 'girl' in your first story may have been a guy.


  • #866
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    fullstop wrote: »
    ^^^ A+ for creative writing.
    I gave up after
    I in blissful ignorance carried on ploughing her anus as she spouted filth like, "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

    Because it sounds like a badly written porno from a 14yr old.


  • #867
    anvilfour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭anvilfour


    fullstop wrote: »
    In that case, I think the 'girl' in your first story may have been a guy.

    It was my ex gf - it was a guy in the second story. Stop me if I'm getting too technical! :-D


  • #868
    anvilfour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭anvilfour


    smash wrote: »
    I gave up after



    Because it sounds like a badly written porno from a 14yr old.

    I would hardly describe what happened as the fulfilment of a teenage fantasy, my gf was mortified!


  • #869
    anvilfour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭anvilfour


    I think some of you think you're doing something clever by saying that my experiences didn't happen but it's actually quite insulting. It takes a certain amount of humility and a sense of humour about yourself to admit to something shameful like this - it don't require any intelligence to sit there and say, "Yurr.. I dont tink dat happened."


  • #870
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    anvilfour wrote: »
    I would hardly describe what happened as the fulfilment of a teenage fantasy, my gf was mortified!

    "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

    Just read that quote...


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  • #871
    PARlance
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,073 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    smash wrote: »
    "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

    Just read that quote...

    I just shouted it out loud. The other lads in the office decided on an early lunch.


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