The problem of childhood trauma

I am in my thirties and the abuse I received as kid, right up to today still effects me.

As a kid, I was handicapped and wasn't allowed to grow up. I wasn't allowed anything good to happen to progress in life, even as a child.

My earliest memory was starting school at five years old wearing nappies. What mother keeps their child in nappies until five years old? I don't have a disability or anything like that to have kept me in nappies.

The school offered swimming lessons. Once a week, there would be a bus that would collect the students and bring us into a swimming pool. Except, I wasn't allowed by my mother. The principal was mad to get me swimming and why wouldn't she, its a great skill to have and I remember my dad outside the principals office and he was willing to pay. Except I was to honest and loyal to my mother and told them I didn't want to.

Growing up my mother always had a sexist attitude and looking back she had a sexist attitude when it came to those swimming lessons. My two older brothers were allowed swimming lessons, along came my younger brother and he was allowed to.

I don't know what her reason was for not allowing me as she always said everyone should know how to swim. It was rather hypocritical of her when the chance was thrown in our face and she put a stop to it. I never understood that, I was 8 years old. It didn't dawn on me until years later, everything I did, my mother tried to put me down. I did take swimming lessons in my twenties as two fingers to my mother. I don't need a penis to swim.

Along with wearing nappies at five years old, I couldn't wash myself or wash my hair at 10 years old. She would have to come in and sponge me in the shower. Off course, i could wash myself, but she just wouldn't allow it. I remember having pubic hair and tits and my mother washing me and the bathroom door open for anyone to walk in, which often did happen. I was 10 years old. One of my brothers was a year older and she never did that to him.

I was 10 or 11 years old when the abuse escalated. My dad was having an affair. My two older brothers started secondary school.

They would bring home friends of both sexes. Nothing was ever said to them when my mother was clearly unhappy with them bringing home friends.

My mother would offen ask me to sweep the floor or clean the lunch boxes. I would have the floor swept and it would never be good enough. How much dirt was there to get from sweeping the floor two or three times. She would often raise her voice (but not loud enough for someone else to hear) and go around in a mood.

There was a pattern to her behaviour. When I sat down to do homework (I wasn't allowed to learn). Or the worst was when my brother's friends came over. She would be at me over and over again until I snap. It was over a floor or lunch boxes. And thats what she wanted. I would often retire to my room and get away from her but this would drive her nuts. She would follow me and attack me. Threaten me with hitting me with something.

This went on for years. Even my brothers noticed it and told my mother it was her at me, over and over.

Some times she would lock me outside at night like an animal, when none of my brothers friends were around. But she would always take me in when the pubs closed because that's when dad would be home.

It started when i was around 11 years old. That threatening vicious abuse continued right up until I was about 23 years old except locking me outside. That bit stopped. I remember, I had to fight my mother off at around 23 with the nearest thing I could find, it was a can of flea spray. Its not something im happy about, threathening your own mother with spray. She started at me, i retired to my room, and she followed me waving the sweeping brush to hit me. I was 23 years old, just a few weeks away from getting a car. I was useful then. The abuse stopped, she knew I wouldn't take her shopping.

I should have moved out instead of getting a car. But she would never give me the opportunity to save for a deposit. It was always pay up housekeeping. And give her money. I couldn't even afford the car, I took it out on loan.

I was 13 and in sixth class and one day we took a visit to a special school. At the time, I didn't know what it was for. But years later, I googled the name and it was a school for kids and adolescents with mental health issues. It was a residential school.

She was building a case up against me to put me away. She even had proof of my brothers friends. I don't know why she didn't follow through with it, I would have been treated better.

Thats mostly my primary school years for you. I don't remember much from secondary school except I was allowed to grow up and wash myself. Discos were a no no. The problem was mine, I was far too honest and never lied enough. I should have, those wasted years when I should have been having fun.

School work and exams, she would often fling my books all over the place. Or in first year, when my youngest brother started school, according to her he got too much homework and would get me to do it for him. Never mind about my own. It was the same thing over again with my youngest brother, he wasn't allowed to learn, except it was all done because she cared and to help him. Except she wasn't helping him. That went on for years. He has dyslexia now, that didn't help him.

Finishing up with school at 18, I wasn't allowed to go to college either. My mother just wanted me straight into work. No such thing as college for women. She spent that whole summer, at me. Living in a small village, exams were over in june. There wasn't any summer jobs.

She wasn't like that to my brother when he finished school. But I was meant to go straight into work. It was all for money because my twenties was nothing but financial abuse.

I did get into college and survived off the grant and made it last because I had too. My brother would get his grant and spend it on drink and new phones and lose the new phone. While looking for bus fair of my mother.

There was financial abuse and favouritism in my twenties. Straight out of college, I got work. It was the times we were in. We all had work. I was only at home because I couldn't live from week to week. My brothers lived for the weekend and drinking, saving for holidays. I was only at home because I couldn't live from week to week. While my mother gave my brothers the opportunity to save and expected no housekeeping. I didn't get the same opportunity to save. Housekeeping had to be paid, all the while i paid for bills and bought my own food. My mother did everything for my brothers, bought their food and made their dinners. Its funny how she tried to handicap me as a child but then turned around and handicapped her sons. While i paid my keep, I never received a dinner.

There was a time, my two older brothers were away and she was banking it all for the day they came home. They got new beds, presses, and lockers. I had the same bed for 22 years and it was a landlords responsibility to replace furniture, not mine. She didn't buy the beds with her dole money.

She still tried to get money out of me last year. She received a letter about a loan my dad took out in the 80s. I was 3 years old. She always had a problem with asking men for money and she wouldn't go to my dad. Instead, she shoved the letter in my face. I told her, i debts in my twenties and didn't expect anyone to pay them off for me. This was a loan that was taken out when I was 3 years old and I'm not taking it on. I don't care who owns it, or how much guilt she puts me on. I didn't sign anything at three years old. But she never went and asked my two older brothers who were also around at the time. If it was my debt at 3, it was also their debt at 4 and 5.

What topped it all off for me was last summer. She created a picture display in the house. Pictures of her boys. Tons of pictures. Two of them have emigrated, you might say something. One of them at home. But also a picture of my brother and his partner. I gave her a picture of me to include in her display. To be included in her family. 6 weeks later and it wasn't included. She valued my brothers partner more, in Australia. I was told i was childish when i brought up the issue, she wouldn't discuss it. I walked out. Its been three and a half months.

While she gets old my brother and his partner will obviously be there for her in Australia. They aren't coming home, his partner has a kid from a previous relationship. I don't think my other brother will be either. There's nothing at home for him.

I'd be happy if i never saw that dirty cow again. Its been three and a half months since I walked out. If she thinks its OK to treat me like that, its not. She wouldn't discuss it either. If i go home, or continue having a relationship with her, its just abuse, it always was and I'm only accepting it and everything else. Well, I'm not.

I'm in tears writing this. My life is crap, in other ways to. I have thought about suicide but I don't know how to. Something pain free. But I want a life, the life my mother never had, so she tried to destroy mine. But not any more. And if i ever have kids, the cycle has to stop. I wouldn't have her in my kids life either. I couldn't bare the thought of pure hatred from their grandmother, just because they would be my kids.