The problem of childhood trauma

Azalea · 06-01-2016 03:06AM

bubblypop wrote: »

I think you are being very hard on your mother. Maybe you need counselling.
You are basically blaming your mother for being a ' bad' mother but totally excusing your father, even though he was a ' bad' parent too.
He is excused because he's a drinker.
How hard did your mother have it?
I'm not saying blame your dad, but maybe you could try to understand your mothers problems more.

This is what you say to someone who says she was neglected and physically and emotionally abused by her mother? Are you for real?

She fully explained why she's more forgiving of her father - it's not just that he had a drink problem.

06-01-2016 03:15AM

Azalea wrote: »

This is what you say to someone who says she was neglected and physically and emotionally abused by her mother? Are you for real?

She fully explained why she's more forgiving of her father - it's not just that he had a drink problem.

She didn't say what her mother did, as an outsider reading in, she has given her father excuses because he seems like a pathetic drunk.
I don't know what her mother did, no one of us do, but neither do we know the hardships her mother had, and maybe some of it was due to her father's drinking.
I don't know if her mother had any issues, she didn't say. But maybe, just maybe, there are more issues for her to work through properly

R.D. aka MR.D · 06-01-2016 03:29AM

bubblypop wrote: »

She didn't say what her mother did, as an outsider reading in, she has given her father excuses because he seems like a pathetic drunk.
I don't know what her mother did, no one of us do, but neither do we know the hardships her mother had, and maybe some of it was due to her father's drinking.
I don't know if her mother had any issues, she didn't say. But maybe, just maybe, there are more issues for her to work through properly

Her mother choose to have children, I assume, although I suppose in Ireland, it might not have been the case but I highly doubt anyone held a gun to her head.

So what does the mother's hardships matter in dishing out sympathy? The poster didn't choose to be born. The father probably had hardships as well if he ended up an alcoholic but again, the choice was made to become a father.

It's totally up to the poster to make the choice to forgive.

whatismyname · 06-01-2016 03:36AM

bubblypop wrote: »

She didn't say what her mother did, as an outsider reading in, she has given her father excuses because he seems like a pathetic drunk.
I don't know what her mother did, no one of us do, but neither do we know the hardships her mother had, and maybe some of it was due to her father's drinking.
I don't know if her mother had any issues, she didn't say. But maybe, just maybe, there are more issues for her to work through properly

Her mother neglected and physically and emotionally abused her. Whatever that entails we do not need to know. It's bad no matter what it entails.

Yes, her mother almost certainly had issues. Yes, her father's drinking may have played a part.

But nothing will ever excuse a mother neglecting and emotionally and physically abusing their child.

And it is not for us to judge the poster for blaming her mother or for 'giving her mother a hard time', or not trying to understand her mother's problems more.

The poster's experience and pain is theirs and it is theirs to handle however they do, and it will never be any other person's to pass judgement on.

Internet Ham · 06-01-2016 03:59AM

This topic is firmly in my wheelhouse.

At the risk of pulling a Fargo on it ''This is a true story''.

My parents shuffled off the mortal coil when I was five. They were both alcoholics and probably drug addicts. They left me and my five month old brother in the care of our alcoholic and very sick grandparents where I remained for a year. Neglect was the order of the day as was abuse that I am physically reminded of on a daily basis. This might sound terrible. It was. But it got worse.

We were fostered by a relative and his wife both of whom were high functioning alcoholics (They would disagree but when your shed looks like an off licence stock room and you are knocking back three bottles of wine almost every evening, I think there might be an issue).

The problem was not the drinking itself and externally the family had an excellent appearance but behind closed doors things were not so rosy. We were well dressed, new car every couple of years. A suburban ideal almost.

Behind closed doors things got weird. The foster parents had tempers. Tempers that they weren't shy in unleashing occasionally. I have been punched and kicked more times by them then I can remember. I was hit with a belt more occasions than I can remember, had teeth knocked out, given black eyes (first time I encountered the old walked into a door excuse). My brother has been knocked unconscious by the foster father for being drunk - at seventeen. Name calling was an almost daily occurence. It wasn't just name calling, it had malice behind it. Venom.

Hearing that you were not wanted when you were a five year old and that no one loves you and that you are hated is a tough thing to hear and does quite a bit of damage. Hearing it from your surrogate mother is quite a different level of pain and anguish.

I could perhaps understand if I was a bad kid. I was top of my class in school, didn't go out drinking, never smoked and was never in trouble with the law. I was hard work as a young child at first and my behaviour was poor but improved dramatically with a little work. They were just not equipped to be parents.

I am twenty four now, jobless with extreme social anxiety, I am afraid of crowds, extremely fearful and apprehensive of anywhere people are drunk and have an active dislike for drunk people. I struggle to find motivation to do anything I have found life to be a deeply unpleasant experience for the most part. Considering the damage that could have been done, I have come out of it better than I really should have. I have a strong mind and I think this helped. My brother on the other hand is not so well equipped and seems to have acquired our parents predilection for substance abuse. He has not coped well.

We are both extremely ****ed up.

If you have parents who love you, ring them up and say thank you. It is something I can't do but am extremely envious of.

RDM_83 again · 06-01-2016 04:10AM

Internet Ham wrote: »

If you have parents who love you, ring them up and say thank you. It is something I can't do but am extremely envious of.

Thats very true, not being gloating but whenever I read this sort of stuff makes me appreciate my own parents.

FortySeven · 06-01-2016 04:25AM

I suffered severe abuse as a child. It defined my life from the moment I was taken into state care at 11. I became first a drug addict. A criminal and later an alcoholic. I beat all these things one by one and thought I had gone the distance and finally put my issues behind me.
In the past 3 months I have lost my children, my partner, my job, probably my house and my will to live. I have just started on lithium. I have nothing left and it came out of nowhere. A depression to die for.
People who abuse children are the lowest of the low. I can't believe that my own kids are now from a broken home because of some actions my mother and father committed over 30 years ago.
I honestly wish I had died when I was a child. Staying alive so I don't hurt my own children is ****ing killing me.

hatrickpatrick · 06-01-2016 06:28AM

It can (and I really do stress *can*, not should or always will - I'm not belittling people who are suffering because of trauma, just pointing out that sometimes it can have bizarrely helpful effects in certain respects) be a positive thing. Certain patches of my childhood were pretty rough in terms of emotional bullying by adults, for reasons I won't get into here in case of doxxing, and I think those are part of the reason I have a lot of trust and paranoia / social anxiety issues (I don't really believe in psychology and labelling but from my own research I seem to straddle the fence between mild avoidant and mild borderline) - BUT, on the other hand, I also reckon they're what made me an inherently stubborn, defiant person who looks outside the established rules for solutions, believes in protesting and standing up for one's self (from personal interactions to political activity) and is generally a "rebel" if you like.

To give you one example, a couple of weeks back my new iPhone battery (replaced several months ago) started acting up and I took it back to the shop for a replacement, and they gave me the typical bullsh!t runaround aimed at somebody who doesn't understand technology, using entirely fabricated "here's what you did to break it" stuff to get me to go away. When I persisted, they then said "well we'll send it over to the workshop for a look but do you really want to hang around in town for two hours waiting for it?", to which I said f*ck yes I'm not going anywhere.

So two hours later I went back and they had switched to a more senior manager, after the first guy's tactics hadn't worked - and she started giving me all this "our seal isn't on it, this isn't one of our batteries and it's been tampered with inside" crap to get me to piss off. Essentially I just kept arguing with facts and refused to leave the shop until they gave decent counter arguments - at which point she said "screw it, you seem like a nice guy so I'll give you a replacement".

When they gave me back my original battery it was "bowed" (it had developed an arc) which means it had been overheating, so in other words it was indeed defective from day one. As I left and thanked them for the new one, the manager (who was American) remarked that she'd never met an Irish person who stood up for themselves like that at customer services and refused to get fobbed off. I found the comment highly racist

My point is though... I don't know which things are nature vs nurture, but I regard it as extremely likely that having to stand up for myself against some fairly f*cked up attitudes as a kid gave me my own very defiant attitude, and that's something which has served me incredibly well in my life. My lack of "needing approval" from people in authority (wherein I never cared about impressing teachers, adults etc) probably stems from the same place, and I can demonstrably see how that's had a gigantic positive impact on me emotionally. I know several people with much more messed up backgrounds than mine (involving immediate family for example) and yet they still want approval from those people, where I feel like if I was in their shoes I'd be able to say "f*ck it, I honestly don't care what ye think about me". I'm far more likely than most people I know, when faced with something like an administrative f*ck up in college over an exam timetable or something like that, to say "hang on, this basically violates the college rules, we should just go to them and tell them we're not accepting this". I've been involved in political protests and activism since I was 13, several movements of which were hugely successful, where a lot of my friends at that age used to say "why bother? We're powerless, the council will just do what they like regardless of our objections".

So tl;dr - sometimes things like being bullied and trauma from that, while it can give you a lot of emotional issues and anger problems, trust problems etc, can also benefit your personality in unexpected ways. Maybe I'm just a rare lucky one, but I can't help thinking of Johnny Cash's "Boy Names Sue" which essentially tried to deliver the same message.

Joey Jo-Jo Junior · 07-01-2016 08:09PM

madmaggie wrote: »

Do parents realise the long term harm they do?

I don't think most abusive parents realise the harm they do at the time, let alone the long term effects.

Azalea · 08-01-2016 10:50AM

bubblypop wrote: »

She didn't say what her mother did, as an outsider reading in, she has given her father excuses because he seems like a pathetic drunk.
I don't know what her mother did, no one of us do, but neither do we know the hardships her mother had, and maybe some of it was due to her father's drinking.
I don't know if her mother had any issues, she didn't say. But maybe, just maybe, there are more issues for her to work through properly

She didn't just give excuses for her father because he was an alcoholic, she did so because he wasn't cruel to her and he is remorseful. This can be clearly read.

It makes perfect sense that an abuse survivor would cling to any bit of tenderness from a parent - this is basic stuff.

We do know what her mother did, she said what she did. Sure, we don't know for absolute certain but you could say that about anything posted to Boards.
Whatever problems her mother had (no doubt she had problems) may explain, but do not excuse, being abusive to her child.

I think saying stuff like "You're being too hard on your mother... she may have had problems" while happily slating that poster's father, is extraordinary - and weirdly lacking in compassion.

I'm sure she knows more than anyone if she needs counselling - and may have been for sessions.

vagazzled · 08-01-2016 12:12PM

This thread has touched a nerve with me, especially as I'm jut after watching a documentary on Netflix on violence and suicide in teens/ adults as a result of childhood neglect or trauma. Permanent brain changes occur in babies and young children as a result of both neglect and abuse making them pre-disposed to depression, addictions, violence and suicidal behaviours.
I might regret posting this, but here goes.
I was born in St. Patricks Home in Dublin in the early 70's. I was adopted to a very middle class , middle aged childless professional couple a year later.
My Mother was a high level Medical professional, My Dad had a high ranking position in a State Co. My Mother was in her early 40's (my age- I'm done and dusted!) when she adopted me, my Dad 12 years older.
There was no badness in my Dad, he was a lovely man but failed to stand up to my Mothers rages. , my Mother wore the trousers and that was that. I was always mistaken for their grandchild, and wanted nothing more than a brother or sister and begged for one. We lived on a "nice" road where the only other kids were boys next door, older than me. But we'll get to that.
I was always told I was adopted, but not in the way you are supposed to. "Devil's spawn", "Like the woman who had you, common as muck", "Thats enough, you're going back to that bloody orphanage".
I never saw my parents kiss or hold hands. I felt sorry for my Dad. To some people I might sound like an ingrate. I had foreign holidays, clothes from the posh boutique in town, and meals in restaurants in the midst of a massive recession. The price was to put up with my Mothers anger. Most evenings ended with the leather strap, or the oversized wooden spoon or brush, both of which she broke across my back. When it came to education, she was ruthless. She wanted me to achieve big time academically. I was sent to the Grinds school in my spare time, moved school to a Private one in D4, 12 miles from my hometown, isolating me even more, and I chose to rebel with how I dressed and partying. I was "not allowed" hang around with children from Council estates.
I started experiencing abuse from a neighbour who had easy access to our house at aged 10. I instantly went from being a good student to one who acted out, and instead of A's got D's. I was brought to child psychs, one after the other, who always told my Mother things she didn't want to hear- and she would turn on the waterworks. I never could talk about the abuse till my 20's. I know if I had told her I would have got a slap across the face anyway.
This trauma of emotional , physical and sexual abuse has had a pretty big impact on my life. My Mother found I was pregnant when I had finished secondary, so I was moved into a bedsit my my Mother. I only spent 1 more night in that house, and I had t be in by 10.30pm (I was 25).

Addictions plagued me in my early 20's, and when I spent 2 years dealing with that the Mental Illness(es) appeared, although I remember first feeling that dark hopeless feeling of depression around 12. My childhood gave me PTSD and I'm on Disability and seeing a psych every month the last 18 years, my 30's were half-spent in psych wards. What really pisses me off is when people say or imply that I had some sort of golden spolied childhood. Ye, my folks had a nice house (which wasn't left to me, no surprises there!)

My Mother also excluded me from al my relatives by telling them not to ask about me, which I only found out recently after her death and felt quite upset about. . I re-connected with family at her funeral, and there has been a few more funerals since so I'm gradually re-connecting with my 'country family'. It's actually a really awkward and emotional process.
It's just the accident of birth, I guess. I could have been dragged up in the tenements equally. So I think of Philip Larkins -
This be the Verse
They **** you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do
They fill you with the faults they have
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools, in old-style hats and coats
Who half the time were surly-stern
And half down one-another's throats

Man hands on misery to man
It deepens like a coastal shelf
Get out as early as you can
And don't have any kids yourself."

whatismyname · 08-01-2016 01:46PM

Just wanted to say that although obviously I wish nobody had any trauma stories to share, thank you to those who did share. I hope it helped.

Azalea · 08-01-2016 02:01PM

Crikey Vagazzled and Internet Ham

why on earth did that woman adopt? Not the first time I've heard of adoptive or foster parents being abusive to the children they choose to raise/home - is it to fulfill an abuse/control fantasy or what.

Neyite · 08-01-2016 02:56PM

Azalea wrote: »

Crikey Vagazzled and Internet Ham why on earth did that woman adopt? Not the first time I've heard of adoptive or foster parents being abusive to the children they choose to raise/home - is it to fulfill an abuse/control fantasy or what.

That was the trouble - they looked good on paper, nobody looked at their actual parenting skills. As long as they were affluent, and probably attended mass regularly, they were probably viewed as ideal candidates to adopt.

I look at my son who can drive me bonkers at times, and knowing all the love and affection children have to give I cannot fathom taking a belt or a cane to a tiny child like that. I cannot fathom what kind of evil is in people who pretend that level of violence and abuse is necessary or in any way justified.

To those of you who suffered, I wish I could hug you.

Internet Ham · 08-01-2016 09:07PM

Some weird parallels with vagazzled. Similar well to do type foster carers. I had holidays and nice things too. Similar educational pressure and a similar decline! :P

I always say I would have preferred not having a pot to piss in and felt loved than having quite a few luxuries in a sterile, loveless and abusive environment.

I am rather annoyed you thought of the Philip Larkin poem ahead of me! :P

StewartGriffin · 08-01-2016 09:20PM

whatismyname wrote: »

The poster's experience and pain is theirs and it is theirs to handle however they do, and it will never be any other person's to pass judgement on.

Azalea wrote: »

I think saying stuff like "You're being too hard on your mother... she may have had problems" while happily slating that poster's father, is extraordinary - and weirdly lacking in compassion.

Bubblypop wasn't passing judgement, he/she was making an observation from the facts provided. That is what internet forums like this are all about.

It is an unfortunate fact that if people insist on publishing personal problems on public message boards some replies may not be what the poster wants or needs to hear.

Azalea · 08-01-2016 09:34PM

StewartGriffin wrote: »

Bubblypop wasn't passing judgement, he/she was making an observation from the facts provided.

Bubblypop didn't pass judgment on that poster's father? How come their interpretation of the facts provided was to "favour" an abusive mother?

Yes Internet forums showcase opinions people might not like but I don't understand how that applies here. All it is is "you said your mother was abusive and your father was more loving but I'm going to interpret it as something else for the sake of it".

StewartGriffin · 08-01-2016 09:40PM

Azalea wrote: »

Bubblypop didn't pass judgment on that poster's father? How come their interpretation of the facts provided was to "favour" an abusive mother?

"Their interpretation of the facts provided." You have answered your own question

Different people, different childhoods, different lives, different interpretations.

eviltwin · 08-01-2016 09:43PM

StewartGriffin wrote: »

Bubblypop wasn't passing judgement, he/she was making an observation from the facts provided. That is what internet forums like this are all about.

It is an unfortunate fact that if people insist on publishing personal problems on public message boards some replies may not be what the poster wants or needs to hear.

This isn't the personal issues forum and the poster wasn't posting a problem, just an account of her experience. If posters want insight I'm sure they can ask for it. I don't think anyone here who has been mistreated needs to justify their feelings. I know in my case my parent had a lot of problems that affected her parenting but it doesn't make what happened to me any less traumatic and it doesn't make it easier to forgive.

Azalea · 08-01-2016 10:01PM

StewartGriffin wrote: »

"Their interpretation of the facts provided." You have answered your own question

Different people, different childhoods, different lives, different interpretations.

Misinterpretation.

There's nothing ambiguous or subjective here - her mother was abusive, her father drank but wasn't abusive like her mother. Putting a different spin on it for the craic is sh1tty.

Joey Jo-Jo Junior · 08-01-2016 10:13PM

Poignant posts from Internet Ham and and vagazzled. I'm so sorry.

vagazzled wrote: »

So I think of Philip Larkins -
This be the Verse
They **** you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do
They fill you with the faults they have
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools, in old-style hats and coats
Who half the time were surly-stern
And half down one-another's throats

Man hands on misery to man
It deepens like a coastal shelf
Get out as early as you can
And don't have any kids yourself."

There was a period in my mid-teens where I muttered this to myself in bed every evening.

Still makes perfect sense.

StewartGriffin · 08-01-2016 10:17PM

Azalea wrote: »

Misinterpretation.

There's nothing ambiguous or subjective here - her mother was abusive, her father drank but wasn't abusive like her mother. Putting a different spin on it for the craic is sh1tty.

Who put a spin on it for the craic?

PLL · 08-01-2016 10:19PM

So many posts discussing what I wrote so I won't attempt to multi quote.

I don't talk about the details of what she did simply because no one has ever asked. I don't talk about it all in general tbh. If someone asks about where my mother lives etc I briefly say she was abusive and haven't spoken to her in years and that is that.

The 'being hard on your mom' I have heard before. A councillor made me write put everything she did and comment on how it made me feel and it was a harrowing experience that I'm not going to repeat here. Due to many many people seeing their mom as their protector and them loving their mom greatly I can completely understand them judging me, even though it isn't right for them to do that, for them my situation and subsequent estrangement from my mom is a natural WTF reaction.

Briefly, my mother is fine, she is currently travelling the world, with he currwnt boyfriend. She spent her life on the dole whilst also working. My grandparents had to tell me dad at one point to stop giving her so much maintenance for me as she was spending it on clothes and nights out for herself. So he gave the extra to them which they saved for me.

She had numerous men throughout my childhood often bringing some home to have sex with them during the day. Whilst I was at home with my friends.

She kicked me into corners, would leave me without food and oil and go away to a boyfriends house. Blackmailed me numerous times to tell my dad I needed 400 for a yearly school trip otherwise she wouldn't let me see him... The list goes on and on. I wasn't looked after generally, never mind having someone there when I needed advice, love, help with being a teenager.

Someone mentioned that the reason I have forgiven my dad is because he has shown remorse. That is the exact reason.
It's also the exact reason I don't speak to my mom because she hasn't shown ANY. She told me I was strange, boring, ugly, no one would ever want me.
If she did in anyway try and apologise then I would of course try. Of course I would for fúck sake. Do you really think not having a mom is nice? I can't have a relationship with someone who was abusive to me and doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it. You wouldn't tell a woman abused by her husband to try and make it work, you would tell her to get the hell out of there. Which is exactly what I did when I was 18.

Other posters mentioned about a way of taking control is being focused on the future and building a life away from that, I completely agree. I'm determined to a fault tbh. I'm terrible at accepting help off people because I want to achieve things by myself. Which stresses me out in the process but is such a comfort when I look at what I have achieved. It really conteracts the unhappy childhood, achieving great things as an adult.

I went to councilling because it's what you do, it only help to talk and write which I can do without a councillor who doesn't understand the thoughts inside my head. It's why support groups for issues work so well. I want to look into the Paul mckenna cd. I personally find exercise the best therapy for anything. Even when I was a unhappy teen I would dance to my mp3 player when I was unhappy.

Sorry for another long one, maybe I should just write a book and people can critique my life choices in amazon comments ;-)

Undungwa · 08-01-2016 10:59PM

Young innocent 12 year old boy was asked to attend school principals private residence for grinds in mid sixties. Sodomised. Thirty years later flashbacks. Hypnotherapy enables full recall of events. Effects include social anxiety, panic attacks and mistrust of everyone.
Solution.. Keep positive as best you can. If you fail don't Blame yourself, start again. It was not your fault.

09-01-2016 03:53PM

So many experiences here of early trauma and abuse

I am sorry for all of you who have experienced hurt in place of love.

When the very people who are supposed to love and protect us fail the consequences are often long lasting and will impact our future relationships. The nature of life, the cards we are dealt, can have a profound effect on our inner world. Unfortunately as long as there are humans there will be neglect.

There is a huge body of work in psychology known as Attachment Theory. I'm sure many of you are already aware of it. I absolutely believe that our early attachment structures set the stage for what's to come. A cold and distant parent will not bode well for a child's developing ego. In 1969 a man by the name of John Bowlby wrote a ground breaking book called Attachment. It focused on the interplay of emotions between mother and infant.

Bowlby wasn't alone in his theories. Have you come across the name Donald Winnicott? He was a British psychiatrist who developed a concept known as the "good enough" mother. Basically there is no such thing as perfect but instead a mother who can adapt to her child's needs allowing the child to feel safety and comfort throughout the early stages of life.

When all of this falls apart, when a child is subjected to abuse, inconsistent parenting, neglect, then trauma occurs. As I often say all roads lead home.

MintyMagnum · 09-01-2016 04:38PM

Lost two mothers before age three, birth mother due to adoption at three weeks, adoptive mother died suddenly shortly before I turned three. Distant & depressed dad after all that & a slew of disinterested & deranged caregivers for a few years after. Guess Oscar Wilde would call me careless. Persepoly would prob call me fecked? Find it hard to trust and attach to people. Always keep my distance. Am envious of people who've a circle of good friends since childhood. Find it very hard to get over break ups, setbacks, job loss, change etc. It's like I grieve. I know I have issues; walls, self esteem, anxiety, self doubt, self worth, worry. Only realising now in mid life that it prob comes from my early life. We were ok for money, but honestly, I would've valued hugs more or someone in your corner giving words of support & encouragement. Just find life doesn't come easy for me. Every childhood lasts a lifetime, as the ad goes.

09-01-2016 04:48PM

MintyMagnum wrote: »

Lost two mothers before turning three, birth mother due to adoption at three weeks, adoptive mother died suddenly shortly before I turned three. Distant & depressed dad after all that & a slew of disinterested & deranged caregivers for a few years after. Guess Oscar Wilde would call me careless. Persepoly would prob call me fecked? Find it hard to trust and attach to people. Find it very hard to get over break ups, setbacks etc. I have walls, self esteem, anxiety, self doubt, self worth, worry issues. Only realising now that it prob comes from early life. Life just doesn't come easy for me. Every childhood lasts a lifetime, as the ad goes.

I want to give you a hug. You are not fecked. You can rebuild yourself again. I had to and there are parts of me that I am still working out.

melissak · 09-01-2016 09:10PM

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

bubblypop wrote: »

She didn't say what her mother did, as an outsider reading in, she has given her father excuses because he seems like a pathetic drunk.
I don't know what her mother did, no one of us do, but neither do we know the hardships her mother had, and maybe some of it was due to her father's drinking.
I don't know if her mother had any issues, she didn't say. But maybe, just maybe, there are more issues for her to work through properly

Her mother choose to have children, I assume, although I suppose in Ireland, it might not have been the case but I highly doubt anyone held a gun to her head.

So what does the mother's hardships matter in dishing out sympathy? The poster didn't choose to be born. The father probably had hardships as well if he ended up an alcoholic but again, the choice was made to become a father.

It's totally up to the poster to make the choice to forgive.

Add your reply here.
I think the point being made was that it is a mistake to demonise someone without taking into account the mitigating circumstances. I believe people mostly want to do good by their children and if they do bad this is caused by something. Forgiveness is for the benefit of the forgiver not the forgiven, especially towards your parents. Resentment is heavy and it drags you down. I find it difficult to practice what I preach btw

melissak · 09-01-2016 09:19PM

PLL wrote: »

So many posts discussing what I wrote so I won't attempt to multi quote.

I don't talk about the details of what she did simply because no one has ever asked. I don't talk about it all in general tbh. If someone asks about where my mother lives etc I briefly say she was abusive and haven't spoken to her in years and that is that.

The 'being hard on your mom' I have heard before. A councillor made me write put everything she did and comment on how it made me feel and it was a harrowing experience that I'm not going to repeat here. Due to many many people seeing their mom as their protector and them loving their mom greatly I can completely understand them judging me, even though it isn't right for them to do that, for them my situation and subsequent estrangement from my mom is a natural WTF reaction.

Briefly, my mother is fine, she is currently travelling the world, with he currwnt boyfriend. She spent her life on the dole whilst also working. My grandparents had to tell me dad at one point to stop giving her so much maintenance for me as she was spending it on clothes and nights out for herself. So he gave the extra to them which they saved for me.

She had numerous men throughout my childhood often bringing some home to have sex with them during the day. Whilst I was at home with my friends.

She kicked me into corners, would leave me without food and oil and go away to a boyfriends house. Blackmailed me numerous times to tell my dad I needed 400 for a yearly school trip otherwise she wouldn't let me see him... The list goes on and on. I wasn't looked after generally, never mind having someone there when I needed advice, love, help with being a teenager.

Someone mentioned that the reason I have forgiven my dad is because he has shown remorse. That is the exact reason.
It's also the exact reason I don't speak to my mom because she hasn't shown ANY. She told me I was strange, boring, ugly, no one would ever want me.
If she did in anyway try and apologise then I would of course try. Of course I would for f ck sake. Do you really think not having a mom is nice? I can't have a relationship with someone who was abusive to me and doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it. You wouldn't tell a woman abused by her husband to try and make it work, you would tell her to get the hell out of there. Which is exactly what I did when I was 18.

Other posters mentioned about a way of taking control is being focused on the future and building a life away from that, I completely agree. I'm determined to a fault tbh. I'm terrible at accepting help off people because I want to achieve things by myself. Which stresses me out in the process but is such a comfort when I look at what I have achieved. It really conteracts the unhappy childhood, achieving great things as an adult.

I went to councilling because it's what you do, it only help to talk and write which I can do without a councillor who doesn't understand the thoughts inside my head. It's why support groups for issues work so well. I want to look into the Paul mckenna cd. I personally find exercise the best therapy for anything. Even when I was a unhappy teen I would dance to my mp3 player when I was unhappy.

Sorry for another long one, maybe I should just write a book and people can critique my life choices in amazon comments ;-)

Add your reply here.
I agree with you entirely re acknowledgement. It may not happen, in an ideal world of course it would but the world is not ideal unfortunately. People are what they are. Live your life as best you can and try to be a better parent and realise that you know you will not be in a scenario where your child does not want to h a ve a relationship with you. That would be my worst nightmare.

Azalea · 10-01-2016 10:26PM

melissak wrote: »

I think the point being made was that it is a mistake to demonise someone without taking into account the mitigating circumstances. I believe people mostly want to do good by their children and if they do bad this is caused by something.

Usually this is the outlook I would have, but when it comes to child abuse: all bets are off. When people are neglectful/abusive to their children, I agree absolutely that this is likely due to something going on in their lives/pasts/heads and if they did not have these other problems they probably would not be abusive... but so what? They are responsible for their behaviour still, and the behaviour in question is some of the most heinous behaviour there is. Children have died because of abuse. I agree we should understand the reasons for people doing awful things to others, but I do not agree that this deflects responsibility from them - particularly when their targets are only children, who have no ability to take them on. I would be in favour of help being offered to such parents though (if moreso for their children's sakes).

Forgiveness is for the benefit of the forgiver not the forgiven, especially towards your parents. Resentment is heavy and it drags you down. I find it difficult to practice what I preach btw

Personally I don't blame anyone who survives abuse for not being forgiving of their abuser - this does not mean they'll be weighed down by bitterness and anger either (which would not be ideal). You can remove someone from your life and move on as best you can. I think the stuff about forgiveness being more for the forgiver is a nice idea, but in my opinion it can just allow the abuser to get away with what they did.

I would not view it as unreasonable of anyone who has suffered at the hands of an abuser to cut them out until the abuser comes to them with remorse. And even then, it would take an especially strong person to forgive.

The problem of childhood trauma

Comments