Wanker watch: Warning signs that someone is a tosser

mravaya · 03-01-2016 03:39AM

Anyone who considers a track suit to be their evening wear

Clair de Lune · 03-01-2016 03:51AM

Had an appearance from "guitar wanker" at a NYE house party few days ago, shortly after 2am he emerged. Let me set the scene, upbeat music on the stereo all night (LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem, Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling).. drink flowing, people generally enjoying themselves. Out of nowhere the music gets turned down, guitar out, wooden kitchen chair pulled into centre of room:

Guitar wanker Track 1) Hallelujah (complete with pretentious closed eyes head movements)
Guitar wanker Track 2) Ground Control to Major Tom
Guitar wanker Track 3) Mr Tambourine Man
....and so on..

Slowly people start leaving the room and congregating in other rooms, out the back garden in the smoking area, anywhere to get away from him. Then eventually people gave up and start going home. Such a downer. 2 solid hours he played for. If you are a guitar wanker and you are reading this, please... For the love of God.. Just.... No..

GaryTLynch · 03-01-2016 04:33AM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

Had an appearance from "guitar wanker" at a NYE house party few days ago, shortly after 2am he emerged. Let me set the scene, upbeat music on the stereo all night (LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem, Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling).. drink flowing, people generally enjoying themselves. Out of nowhere the music gets turned down, guitar out, wooden kitchen chair pulled into centre of room:

Guitar wanker Track 1) Hallelujah (complete with pretentious closed eyes head movements)
Guitar wanker Track 2) Ground Control to Major Tom
Guitar wanker Track 3) Mr Tambourine Man
....and so on..

Slowly people start leaving the room and congregating in other rooms, out the back garden in the smoking area, anywhere to get away from him. Then eventually people gave up and start going home. Such a downer. 2 solid hours he played for. If you are a guitar wanker and you are reading this, please... For the love of God.. Just.... No..

Did he make everyone rise for the Anthem of all Guitar ****? Cannonball by Damien Rice?

windy shepard henderson · 03-01-2016 05:07AM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

Had an appearance from "guitar wanker" at a NYE house party few days ago, shortly after 2am he emerged. Let me set the scene, upbeat music on the stereo all night (LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem, Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling).. drink flowing, people generally enjoying themselves. Out of nowhere the music gets turned down, guitar out, wooden kitchen chair pulled into centre of room:

Guitar wanker Track 1) Hallelujah (complete with pretentious closed eyes head movements)
Guitar wanker Track 2) Ground Control to Major Tom
Guitar wanker Track 3) Mr Tambourine Man
....and so on..

Slowly people start leaving the room and congregating in other rooms, out the back garden in the smoking area, anywhere to get away from him. Then eventually people gave up and start going home. Such a downer. 2 solid hours he played for. If you are a guitar wanker and you are reading this, please... For the love of God.. Just.... No..

as a man who listens to bob dylan and jeff buckey more then i would black eyed pees i would agree ......we need to find a way to kill the guitar wanker . . . . .i hope he was'nt your friends father ? there the worst

suicide_circus · 03-01-2016 05:11PM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

Had an appearance from "guitar wanker" at a NYE house party few days ago, shortly after 2am he emerged. Let me set the scene, upbeat music on the stereo all night (LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem, Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling).. drink flowing, people generally enjoying themselves. Out of nowhere the music gets turned down, guitar out, wooden kitchen chair pulled into centre of room:

Guitar wanker Track 1) Hallelujah (complete with pretentious closed eyes head movements)
Guitar wanker Track 2) Ground Control to Major Tom
Guitar wanker Track 3) Mr Tambourine Man
....and so on..

Slowly people start leaving the room and congregating in other rooms, out the back garden in the smoking area, anywhere to get away from him. Then eventually people gave up and start going home. Such a downer. 2 solid hours he played for. If you are a guitar wanker and you are reading this, please... For the love of God.. Just.... No..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKiAhTbpL4Y

Andre 3000 · 03-01-2016 05:21PM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

Had an appearance from "guitar wanker" at a NYE house party few days ago, shortly after 2am he emerged. Let me set the scene, upbeat music on the stereo all night (LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem, Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling).. drink flowing, people generally enjoying themselves. Out of nowhere the music gets turned down, guitar out, wooden kitchen chair pulled into centre of room:

Guitar wanker Track 1) Hallelujah (complete with pretentious closed eyes head movements)
Guitar wanker Track 2) Ground Control to Major Tom
Guitar wanker Track 3) Mr Tambourine Man
....and so on..

Slowly people start leaving the room and congregating in other rooms, out the back garden in the smoking area, anywhere to get away from him. Then eventually people gave up and start going home. Such a downer. 2 solid hours he played for. If you are a guitar wanker and you are reading this, please... For the love of God.. Just.... No..

I'm shocked that he didn't play some Ed Sheeran for all the lovely ladies or Wagon Wheel. That's usually the poison of the guitar wanker.

The Sun King · 03-01-2016 05:24PM

Cause after all, you're ma wonderwaaaall.

Bridge93 · 03-01-2016 05:29PM

Somebody who won't listen to music that they view as 'mainstream' or in the charts simply because it is and isn't 'alt' enough. Climb out of your own hippy hole there.
Also anyone who wears a hat of any kind in the gym. Bonus points if it's backwards

deaddonkey15 · 03-01-2016 05:35PM

Bridge93 wrote: »

Somebody who won't listen to music that they view as 'mainstream' or in the charts simply because it is and isn't 'alt' enough. Climb out of your own hippy hole there.
Also anyone who wears a hat of any kind in the gym. Bonus points if it's backwards

I know of a guy that wears a backwards cap in the gym, a prize wanker indeed.

Andre 3000 · 03-01-2016 05:42PM

Those **** who snapchat every five minutes of their night out and put it as their story just to say "I was out". Now, I have no problem of maybe one or two pictures, but ten seconds videos every five minutes of their drink with captions like "Drinkies" followed by cocktail and beer glass emojis. Other favourites of these **** are a sketchy picture of a friend who is unaware of them being photographed followed by a caption "I love them so much xxx

" or " My Favourite

". For the lads it is the classic picture of the fresh pint next to the rest of the 'lads' pints with "sure why not" or "ahup pints onnnnnnnnn".

Then, as the night wears on...it's videos of every f*cking song that is played in the club...pirate radio is alive and well with all these video streams of top 40 pop on snapchat. The selfie video of you and your best mate miming Maniac 2000 and jumping around like there's a stampede of cattle underneath them is another popular one.

Finally it's the post club feast of kebab and pizza with the caption "Gains" or "OMG diet starts tomorrow *monkey hands over eyes emoji*".

The thing is, this epidemic of wankery is not just confined to teenage women, the lads seem to be getting involved in this lark too...and people in their mid to late 20's are doing it too. There's no escaping it besides deleting the app completely and that'd be a shame as it is a handy app to have.

What I love best though, and a bit stalker on my behalf...but half of these little snippets appear to be deleted the next day by said wanker as they realise the extent of wanker that they are.

W1zardst · 03-01-2016 06:23PM

Andre 3000 wrote: »

Those **** who snapchat every five minutes of their night out and put it as their story just to say "I was out". Now, I have no problem of maybe one or two pictures, but ten seconds videos every five minutes of their drink with captions like "Drinkies" followed by cocktail and beer glass emojis. Other favourites of these **** are a sketchy picture of a friend who is unaware of them being photographed followed by a caption "I love them so much xxx " or " My Favourite ". For the lads it is the classic picture of the fresh pint next to the rest of the 'lads' pints with "sure why not" or "ahup pints onnnnnnnnn".

"Beer o clock, woop woop, itd be rude not to"

Azalea · 03-01-2016 07:39PM

Andre 3000 wrote: »

Those **** who snapchat every five minutes of their night out and put it as their story just to say "I was out". Now, I have no problem of maybe one or two pictures, but ten seconds videos every five minutes of their drink with captions like "Drinkies" followed by cocktail and beer glass emojis. Other favourites of these **** are a sketchy picture of a friend who is unaware of them being photographed followed by a caption "I love them so much xxx " or " My Favourite ". For the lads it is the classic picture of the fresh pint next to the rest of the 'lads' pints with "sure why not" or "ahup pints onnnnnnnnn".

Then, as the night wears on...it's videos of every f*cking song that is played in the club...pirate radio is alive and well with all these video streams of top 40 pop on snapchat. The selfie video of you and your best mate miming Maniac 2000 and jumping around like there's a stampede of cattle underneath them is another popular one.

Finally it's the post club feast of kebab and pizza with the caption "Gains" or "OMG diet starts tomorrow *monkey hands over eyes emoji*".

The thing is, this epidemic of wankery is not just confined to teenage women, the lads seem to be getting involved in this lark too...and people in their mid to late 20's are doing it too.

Pffft... people in their 40s are doing it!

Zimmey · 03-01-2016 08:57PM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

Had an appearance from "guitar wanker" at a NYE house party few days ago, shortly after 2am he emerged. Let me set the scene, upbeat music on the stereo all night (LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem, Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling).. drink flowing, people generally enjoying themselves. Out of nowhere the music gets turned down, guitar out, wooden kitchen chair pulled into centre of room:

Guitar wanker Track 1) Hallelujah (complete with pretentious closed eyes head movements)
Guitar wanker Track 2) Ground Control to Major Tom
Guitar wanker Track 3) Mr Tambourine Man
....and so on..

Slowly people start leaving the room and congregating in other rooms, out the back garden in the smoking area, anywhere to get away from him. Then eventually people gave up and start going home. Such a downer. 2 solid hours he played for. If you are a guitar wanker and you are reading this, please... For the love of God.. Just.... No..

Sssssshhhh!

ToddyDoody · 03-01-2016 09:00PM

Re: How to spot a wanker..

'Most men', said most women.

Stacksofwacks · 03-01-2016 10:46PM

People who argue and twist every little point to make it seem like they are always right. People who always try and control situations and other people around them.

jack747 · 03-01-2016 11:57PM

lads who come back from 'oz' and tell you that you should go to 'oz'..wanker's

windy shepard henderson · 04-01-2016 12:11AM

jack747 wrote: »

lads who come back from 'oz' and tell you that you should go to 'oz'..wanker's

and fail to inform you of the enormous cost of living until you get there

Hammer89 · 04-01-2016 12:31AM

PTH2009 wrote: »

'YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YANO TOURE'

people who sing that song

Who's Yano Toure?

People who correct trivial and unimportant things are also ****

LeeLooLee · 04-01-2016 12:34AM

jack747 wrote: »

lads who come back from 'oz' and tell you that you should go to 'oz'..wanker's

To have a great time sitting in Irish pubs with all your mates, or failing that, a load of other Irish people. Yeah, really broadens the mind.

worded · 04-01-2016 01:10AM

Very funny this vid

The related but is .....

Australia .... was .... a ... maz .....ing

http://youtu.be/kpZbaz3Wlfw

Brendan Bendar · 04-01-2016 04:17AM

Hammer89 wrote: »

Who's Yano Toure?

People who correct trivial and unimportant things are also ****

Like people's names?

Yer man who played for Chelsea Frank .. . ?

Frank Lambert.... Yeah,Frank Lambert great player:rolleyes:

jetsonx · 04-01-2016 06:23PM

Watch out for those idiots on motorbikes who wear those high-vis vests with
"POLITE"
written on them. It really lets you know the caliber of person behind the helmet i.e. w@nker extrodinaire.

Brendan Bendar · 04-01-2016 06:30PM

jetsonx wrote: »

Watch out for those idiots on motorbikes who wear those high-vis vests with
"POLITE"
written on them. It really lets you know the caliber of person behind the helmet i.e. w@nker extrodinaire.

+ 100%

Jester252 · 04-01-2016 08:12PM

People who are "fundraising" for On The Dry

bren2002 · 04-01-2016 08:23PM

Jester252 wrote: »

People who are "fundraising" for On The Dry

Is that a thing? They can FRO.
(unless people who type FRO are on the list. In which case soz! lols)

AnonoBoy · 04-01-2016 08:28PM

Jester252 wrote: »

People who are "fundraising" for On The Dry

Wait... what?

They're fundraising for themselves NOT to spend money on booze?

gutenberg · 04-01-2016 08:46PM

Jester252 wrote: »

People who are "fundraising" for On The Dry

bren2002 wrote: »

Is that a thing? They can FRO.
(unless people who type FRO are on the list. In which case soz! lols)

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Wait... what?

They're fundraising for themselves NOT to spend money on booze?

People 'fundraising' for that can, in bren's words, FRO. I don't know which is worse, the fact that some people feel this is something worthy of asking for donations (as if it's akin to climbing Everest), or the fact that some people clearly find it such a massive challenge to not have a drink for a month...

Jake Stiles · 04-01-2016 09:58PM

You need to take a step back
Its not a polished pearl yet
If I run into heavy winds
Cant turn a punto into a BMW
Need a helicopter view on it.
Take it off line
Rain check

Wes Palmer Lee · 05-01-2016 12:21AM

People who dress their kids like miniature Darby O'Gills and put them at the front of the audience while Nathan Carter plays Wagon Wheel...

well spoken man · 05-01-2016 09:26AM

People who use the phrase"reach out" and "leverage".....tools....

Wanker watch: Warning signs that someone is a tosser

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