Would you go to a wedding without giving a gift?

con___manx1 · 02-01-2016 03:40PM

I went to a wedding in the shelbourne last year. I had to buy a new suit and shoes to go with it just for the wedding. I didn't want to look like a mug in the middle of the rich folk ; ) I never got the couple a gift as I was broke after that. I didn't even want to go t d god dam wedding I was forced ; )

The_Valeyard · 02-01-2016 03:45PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Life seems awful tough for some of ye folks. Best ye don't go to any weddings.

Was just thinking this. A lot of bitterness around!!!

ScumLord · 02-01-2016 03:49PM

I don't give gifts. I don't want to be at the stupid wedding anyway, watching a bunch of lapsed Catholics pretending they know the words to prayers and hymns. Children desperately trying to escape the church as if they can sense the presence of danger.

Overall I think giving adults presents is a bit naff. What kind of a grown ass adult needs to get presents to feel good?

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 03:53PM

ScumLord wrote: »

I don't give gifts. I don't want to be at the stupid wedding anyway, watching a bunch of lapsed Catholics pretending they know the words to prayers and hymns. Children desperately trying to escape the church as if they can sense the presence of danger.

Overall I think giving adults presents is a bit naff. What kind of a grown ass adult needs to get presents to feel good?

You don't get invited to weddings do you ......... go on ......... admit it, you're bitter aren't ya!!!

Inspector Coptoor · 02-01-2016 04:03PM

ScumLord wrote: »

I don't give gifts. I don't want to be at the stupid wedding anyway, watching a bunch of lapsed Catholics pretending they know the words to prayers and hymns. Children desperately trying to escape the church as if they can sense the presence of danger.

Overall I think giving adults presents is a bit naff. What kind of a grown ass adult needs to get presents to feel good?

Everyone likes getting presents.
Everyone.
Men, women and children.

And if you don't, it's cause you never get any.

steddyeddy · 02-01-2016 04:27PM

It very much depends on people's situation. The intention and the capability are the two most important factors IMHO.

When I was a broke student I was asked to a wedding in Harvey's point. I really appreciated the invite but I had to face facts. I was working two jobs at the time to pay for rent and food ect. After paying rent and bills I had 25 Euro a week for food. So a room at Harvey's point and a present for a good friend of mine and one of the richest scientists I know was the cause of some stress I can tell you. Not the mention the fact that I was approaching my exams.

No amount of repeating the mantra "it's a wedding it will be fun" cancelled out the realities of life such as paying rent, bills and having to get a new suit and present as well as having to study for exams. Saying that I still bought I good present but only because he was my best friend. For that I ate into my savings and lived hand to mouth for a while.

Now as a graduate I make enough money to cover extras like weddings and I can buy the presents I want to buy. When I get married I certainly will take into consideration everyone's situation when I ask them to my wedding. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for living in their means.

Ave Sodalis · 02-01-2016 05:05PM

Never really been to a wedding so never had to deal with gifts but it's evidenced by this thread that you're almost guaranteed to offend someone no matter what you bring.

If I was getting married, I would do so to get married. The people I'd invite are people I'd want to be there and would have absolutely no expectation for them to bring gifts. However, I do also know that some people are uncomfortable with that. I like matching kitchen sets though, rather than random bits and pieces stuck together so anything like that would be absolutely no use to me and if someone felt uncomfortable showing up with nothing, I'd rather they gave money. But that would insult other people... so basically it seems:

Say nothing- there's most likely going to be someone wasting money they may not have buying a gift that won't get used.
Ask for just money- people get offended.
Ask for no gifts- people feel uncomfortable.
Say there's no expectation for gifts but if you insist, just give money- people get offended.

You can't win.

The_Valeyard · 02-01-2016 05:14PM

I always give money. Help pay for their special day and bit to fund a honeymoon or savings.

Only so many toasters or microwaves a person needs.

purplecow1977 · 02-01-2016 06:55PM

The_Valeyard wrote: »

I always give money. Help pay for their special day and bit to fund a honeymoon or savings.

Only so many toasters or microwaves a person needs.

I have never given anyone a toaster or a microwave! Majority of couples getting married live together before getting married and therefore probably have purchased such an item already! There are other gifts to give, but money is often the easier and more functional gift.

purplecow1977 · 02-01-2016 06:57PM

ScumLord wrote: »

I don't give gifts. I don't want to be at the stupid wedding anyway, watching a bunch of lapsed Catholics pretending they know the words to prayers and hymns. Children desperately trying to escape the church as if they can sense the presence of danger.

Overall I think giving adults presents is a bit naff. What kind of a grown ass adult needs to get presents to feel good?

Because ALL weddings take place in a Church? :rolleyes:

Even if they did, would you not just suck it up for your mate and be a good friend? Obviously if they've invited you they want you there. Why do you have to be such a Negative Nancy about it?

(I've a sneaky suspicion you've been snubbed & not invited though! The bitterness oozes through!)

purplecow1977 · 02-01-2016 06:58PM

con___manx1 wrote: »

I went to a wedding in the shelbourne last year. I had to buy a new suit and shoes to go with it just for the wedding. I didn't want to look like a mug in the middle of the rich folk ; ) I never got the couple a gift as I was broke after that. I didn't even want to go t d god dam wedding I was forced ; )

Forced? By who?

02-01-2016 07:03PM

If you polled couples of marrying age in 2016 the % saying theyd be offended at getting money would.undoubtedly be in the single figures. I've never known a couple who wouldn't prefer money, tbh.

If you can but don't cover the cost of your attendance I'd not think much of you. If you can't and the invite went out to you in the knowledge of this its an entirely different matter.

NB if I ever get married it'll be a bring food and drink to the local hall no gifts no money no dress code and no priests affair but that's little or nothing to do with what's good form in choosing to attend the special day of friends, however they wish to celebrate it.

Gwynplaine · 02-01-2016 07:06PM

I got married in November, the majority of the presents were money in a card. We did however get wine glasses and caserole dishes from a few people.
A few people didn't give anything, which was surprising, and some of the contents of cards from some people were surprising too.
What I noticed was, the people who you'd think have the least give the most, and the people who are loaded give the least. My aunt being one, loaded, gave us Waterford crystal wine glasses, I don't even drink wine, and she knows this too.

Zimmey · 02-01-2016 08:16PM

MadDog76 wrote: »

I haven't been to a wedding yet that I didn't enjoy .......... usually have a great time as a matter of fact.

Also, we'd always give a cash gift (nobody wants/needs a toaster or some "hand-made personal" gift) of at least €200.

Food, drinks, music, dancing, family and friends ........ what's not to love about a wedding!?!!
It's a great day out if you go with the intention of enjoying yourself .......... I wouldn't want people at my wedding who had the negative attitudes that some people on this thread have ......... very very odd imo.

I see what you're saying... but lots of people dread weddings! My fella gets out of attending them whenever possible. So why they go? Well, they like the person whose wedding it is or out if social obligation. One or the other really. But people who don't really like them usually still go with a smile on their face. People are daft to ignore the social obligation behind many wedding invites though. It's often not as simple as declining because you don't really like weddings.

MadDog76 wrote: »

If everyone ticks decline the costs will drop dramatically and considerably.

Not really, there are lots of fixed costs that are independent of the amount of guests that attend. The costs will drop but not by much.

Deleted User wrote: »

If you can but don't cover the cost of your attendance I'd not think much of you. If you can't and the invite went out to you in the knowledge of this its an entirely different matter.

I don't get this. Are you privy to people's personal financial information? How do you know who can afford what? People keep up appearances, you know so you've no idea if someone is struggling financially or not.

BabysCoffee · 02-01-2016 08:18PM

Personally I wouldn't go to a wedding without giving a gift (I never go anywhere with my arms hanging!)

But I would not mind if guests attended a party I was hosting without bringing a gift.....I'd actually prefer it.

Clair de Lune · 02-01-2016 08:21PM

The modern formula for financing weddings makes me sick, so I try as much as possible to refuse invitations. You (guests) are basically paying for your meal, and venue hire, honeymoon costs, flowers, etc. That is unless you don't gift. I couldn't think of a more self-indulgent act at the expense of your family and friends than the modern wedding.

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 08:27PM

MadDog76 wrote: »

If everyone ticks decline the costs will drop dramatically and considerably.

Zimmey wrote: »

Not really, there are lots of fixed costs that are independent of the amount of guests that attend. The costs will drop but not by much.

The average person/couple will give a €100/€200 cash gift .......... the average cost of a meal per head is €100 so if a couple decline an invitation the Bride/Groom will lose out on a €200 cash gift (although we always send on the gift even if we can't make the wedding itself) but they also save €200 on the cost of that couple's meal.

BabysCoffee · 02-01-2016 08:33PM

Gwynplaine wrote: »

My aunt being one, loaded, gave us Waterford crystal wine glasses, I don't even drink wine, and she knows this too.

Waterford Crystal Glasses are expensive I'd say?!

Inspector Coptoor · 02-01-2016 08:38PM

Clair de Lune wrote: »

The modern formula for financing weddings makes me sick, so I try as much as possible to refuse invitations. You (guests) are basically paying for your meal, and venue hire, honeymoon costs, flowers, etc. That is unless you don't gift. I couldn't think of a more self-indulgent act at the expense of your family and friends than the modern wedding.

But look at it in the long run.

Yes, you effectively pay for your own meal when you go to other people's weddings by giving a cash gift of €150 to €200 per couple.

BUT, you get it all back when you have your own wedding.

It's essentially rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic.
You give out as much money as you get back.

And yes, it disadvantages people who never get married or indeed who got married 20-30 years ago when the gift giving wasn't such an expense, but, there IS a decline option on a wedding invitation.

I've been at 22 weddings in the last 2 years which cost about €4400 in gifts alone.weddings are great Craic, no matter how generic and formulaic they are.
Of all 22 weddings, I didn't enjoy one, and that's because I was so tired from
Going to weddings the two weekends preceding it and was in bed my midnight.

Some people just need to stop being so dismissive of weddings and just not go.

Gwynplaine · 02-01-2016 08:59PM

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Waterford Crystal Glasses are expensive I'd say?!

I have no use for them, the value of them means nothing to me.

Zimmey · 02-01-2016 09:01PM

MadDog76 wrote: »

The average person/couple will give a €100/€200 cash gift .......... the average cost of a meal per head is €100 so if a couple decline an invitation the Bride/Groom will lose out on a €200 cash gift (although we always send on the gift even if we can't make the wedding itself) but they also save €200 on the cost of that couple's meal.

Most venues have a minimum number cost (decent venues anyway) and you need to pay up to that amount. So the minimum number is a fixed cost. If everybody declined (to use an extreme example for illustration), it's not like you'd pay the venue nothing because nobody RSVPed yes. Then there are all the other fixed costs: the band, the photographer, the dress, the suits or suit hire, the flower, the favours (if doing them). These all add up to a not inconsiderable amount and are the same no matter the amount of guests.

Very few wedding meals cost €100 per head. People who gift are usually much more than covering their plates. (shudder, awful term)

Inspector Coptoor wrote: »

BUT, you get it all back when you have your own wedding.

It's essentially rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic.

Well, no, what if you want a small wedding? You won't be asking everyone you ever gave a wedding present to. You should never give a present with the expectation of getting it back some day. Bizarre outlook.

The_Valeyard · 02-01-2016 09:01PM

Gwynplaine wrote: »

I have no use for them, the value of them means nothing to me.

I'll take them off your hands so!

BabysCoffee · 02-01-2016 09:03PM

Gwynplaine wrote: »

I have no use for them, the value of them means nothing to me.

Would you think of selling them? What range are they from?

mayway · 02-01-2016 09:05PM

Don't get me wrong, I've been to scores of wedding over the years. The quality of the wedding has dropped significantly though while the price has rocketed. It's laughable. The bridezillas who steadfastly refuse to spend less than 50k on their shabby affair are the ones who've completely lost touch with what marriage is supposed to be.

I go when I'm invited but will not line the pockets of the hoteliers who are ramping the prices. I'm perfectly content to let the bridezillas max out at the credit union for the next dozen years to fund the sorry mess should they wish. Nothing to do with me. I'll drink the free champagne and hoover up the sub standard grub until the cows come home while laughing to myself at how someone could pay top dollar for what's mostly a load of rubbish.

mayway · 02-01-2016 09:06PM

The_Valeyard wrote: »

Gwynplaine wrote: »

I have no use for them, the value of them means nothing to me.

I'll take them off your hands so!

Me also! I'll even collect at no extra cost.

AppleBottle · 02-01-2016 09:07PM

I personally would always have a gift if I was invited to a wedding.

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 09:19PM

Zimmey wrote: »

Most venues have a minimum number cost (decent venues anyway) and you need to pay up to that amount. So the minimum number is a fixed cost. If everybody declined (to use an extreme example for illustration), it's not like you'd pay the venue nothing because nobody RSVPed yes. Then there are all the other fixed costs: the band, the photographer, the dress, the suits or suit hire, the flower, the favours (if doing them). These all add up to a not inconsiderable amount and are the same no matter the amount of guests.

Very few wedding meals cost €100 per head. People who gift are usually much more than covering their plates. (shudder, awful term)

We had about 300 guests at our wedding, we invited just over 350 but 50 or so declined .......... the cost per head at our wedding was €125 and the hotel required a minimum of 90 guests so we lost out on about €5000 in cash gifts (actually less than that as most guests sent on a gift anyway) but we saved €6250 in costs because those 50 guests declined our invitation.

The cost of the band, the photographer, the dress, suits etc. were always going to be x amount regardless, whether we had 50 guests or 500 guests ........ this notion that couples make a fortune from their wedding is nonsense.
An average guest who gives an average cash gift just covers the cost of an average meal so guests declining/accepting an invitation is irrelevant, financially speaking, as they usually just cancel eachother out overall.

Of the guests that do come to the wedding some will give more that the average cash gift, some will give less and some will give nothing but overall, on average, it all equals out ......... we budgeted our wedding on what we wanted and what we could afford without relying on cash gifts at all and we made this abundantly clear to our guests but it made no difference because our guests, like us, wouldn't go to a wedding without giving a gift ........ most of them anyway.

MadDog76 · 02-01-2016 09:22PM

mayway wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, I've been to scores of wedding over the years. The quality of the wedding has dropped significantly though while the price has rocketed. It's laughable. The bridezillas who steadfastly refuse to spend less than 50k on their shabby affair are the ones who've completely lost touch with what marriage is supposed to be.

I go when I'm invited but will not line the pockets of the hoteliers who are ramping the prices. I'm perfectly content to let the bridezillas max out at the credit union for the next dozen years to fund the sorry mess should they wish. Nothing to do with me. I'll drink the free champagne and hoover up the sub standard grub until the cows come home while laughing to myself at how someone could pay top dollar for what's mostly a load of rubbish.

What a delightful guest you are ........ I'm sure your loved ones were honoured that you accepted their invitation to their weddings. :rolleyes:

How dare a couple have the wedding they want!

Tigger · 02-01-2016 09:31PM

so we lost out on about €5000 in cash gifts (actually less than that as most guests sent on a gift anyway) but we saved €6250 in costs because those 50 guests declined our invitation.

Wedding math is funny

Paddy Samurai · 02-01-2016 09:31PM

If I was invited to whole thing or knew the married couple then yes I would make sure to bring a present.If I was going to the afters just for a couple of drinks and did'nt know them then probably not.It would depend on the circumstances.

Would you go to a wedding without giving a gift?

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