How has the death of a loved one affected you and your life / daily life ever since?

Alf Veedersane · 22-12-2015 12:41AM

whiskeyman wrote: »

It's funny how it *will* affect us all over time, but we rarely talk about it.
We need to be more open about bereavement and stop putting pressure to be all happy and rosy all the time.
When it does happen, many people tend to avoid you... I guess they simply don't know what to say. Sometimes a chat, phone call, or 'how are you?' can really help. If you know someone who's going through it, please don't 'give them space' unless they specifically have asked for it.

I just copped this now. I lived with a very good friend at the time my Mam died and, to his credit, he didn't shy away from talking about her or asking how I was. I don't think I'd ever really had to deal with any good friends who'd lost someone close but I know how it might seem like not bringing it up is the better option. It really helped me to talk about her because any of the stories where she would come up were good ones...happy times.

I'm sure it's hard to know cos people don't like to say they need space when they have lost someone for fear it comes across like being ungrateful or something. But if you're a friend, trust your instincts.

CaliforniaDream · 22-12-2015 06:44AM

I'm 30 years old and I've lost all my grandparents, 3 uncles, one aunt and a cousin who was the same age as me.
But all of that grief combined is nothing compared to how I feel after losing my mother 4 months ago. I can't even describe it. I continue on my daily life like everything is normal. Most people probably 'forget' that I've lost her so recently as I continue to laugh, work, socialize etc.
But my heart breaks a little more everyday as I wake up and remember that she's gone.

MyStubbleItches · 22-12-2015 07:15AM

Californiadream, I'm trying for the last few minutes to think of something to say to comfort you but, as you well know, no words really can. You're right, people do forget and that's completely normal and understandable. What's also completely normal is that you feel sad, lonely, heartbroken, angry even. You don't have to hide it, allow yourself the luxury of a good old bawling session. Tears are a great way to relieve some of that pain I found. The time of year is no help either but I suppose it's one of those hurdles that needs to be jumped.

Jump the hurdles, they'll get smaller as time goes by I hope, take whatever hugs are coming your way and don't hold back the tears when they come. Mind yourself.

bernard0368 · 22-12-2015 05:31PM

I lost my son in July 14 through suicide which was a massive blow. There are so many feelings and thoughts I have about that I can not even begin to type.

In April 15 I was to loose my Wife, this was huge completely so. She was not my sons mother but a huge source of support, In all ways my crutch. The loss of her has really impacted me. The one person who knew everything and could be told anything with out ever been anything other than supportive.

Last month I was to loose my father after a long battle. A man of great talent, artistic, amazing with his hands. A man who wanted to learn to play the ukulele, so he built his own. I knew he painted but as he was a humble man I never knew his work was in demand and nearly every piece he painted was bought.

Christmas will be a lonely time. A time I will have to find extra strength for.
A time to dig a little deeper in the reserves i never knew were there.

22-12-2015 05:37PM

bernard0368 wrote: »

I lost my son in July 14 through suicide which was a massive blow. There are so many feelings and thoughts I have about that I can not even begin to type.

In April 15 I was to loose my Wife, this was huge completely so. She was not my sons mother but a huge source of support, In all ways my crutch. The loss of her has really impacted me. The one person who knew everything and could be told anything with out ever been anything other than supportive.

Last month I was to loose my father after a long battle. A man of great talent, artistic, amazing with his hands. A man who wanted to learn to play the ukulele, so he built his own. I knew he painted but as he was a humble man I never knew his work was in demand and nearly every piece he painted was bought.

Christmas will be a lonely time. A time I will have to find extra strength for.
A time to dig a little deeper in the reserves i never knew were there.

Your losses are huge Bernard. I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible series of tragedies in your life, it's too unfair. I hope you manage to enjoy some small things over the holiday, and I hope the New Year brings you peace.

Take care.

Tinder Surprise · 22-12-2015 05:52PM

Lost my brother 10yrs ago who was taken from us out of the blue, and I will never forget that phone call from my other brother on a boring Monday morning.

its safe to say life really isn't the same after losing someone so close.

It kills me to see the pain my sister-in law went/goes through after losing her childhood sweetheart, and my nieces and nephews also.

Christmas time always magnifies the memoires hence the pain of losing a loved one, but my brother was also a guiding light and someone to look up to, as I never really had a Dad in my life - he was also taken from my (and my loving families) life tragically when I was a toddler.

but you do find strength from somewhere. maybe its just time, but you cant stop and you have to keep going.

Happy Christmas everyone.

22-12-2015 05:59PM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

I surprised anyone copes with the death of someone they truly love. That might sound weird because death is such a part of life but life is something in and of itself which is quite bizarre.

I will not give my own story I guess - most people have one so I do not feel tempted to bore everyone with another. Suffice to say I did NOT cope with it. It nearly killed me. Very very nearly. Now many years later I am coping but even now there are those moments.

And now I have kids. The idea of their death terrifies me to by core when I dwell on it. Christopher Hitchens said it well when he described having his daugther.

"To be the father of growing daughters is to understand something of what Yeats evokes with his imperishable phrase 'terrible beauty.' Nothing can make one so happily exhilarated or so frightened: it's a solid lesson in the limitations of self to realize that your heart is running around inside someone else's body. It also makes me quite astonishingly calm at the thought of death: I know whom I would die to protect"

I guess a large part of the issue is that it is not a topic we confront in our society very well. We do not discuss it, explore it, or make it a part of our narrative. Most of us live our lives in a fashion that inherently seems to contain the idea we will live forever - and we squander our time and resources in this world on the mundane. My own father is of an age now where it is pretty clear that his remaining years are not aplenty. Yet we never sit down and talk this out saying "Look you are gonna die soon enough - how do we feel about that?" and so forth.

I was listening to something recently - QI I think - talking of a society where they periodically dig up the bones of their relatives - clean them off - have a party around them - sit around the bones in a situation that reminds me of a Quaker wedding talking about the dead and telling the young generation about them - stories good and bad - and more. I wonder if this is a healthier approach to the subject of death?

But given the certainty of death - and how big a part of life it is (in some ways death defines life one could say) - it amazes me how small a part it plays in our ongoing narrative and conversation.

DareGod · 02-01-2016 06:36AM

Hey,

I'm the OP. I'd just like to say that I haven't been in the correct mind-frame to read or respond to the replies since I made this thread. I am going to do so very soon.

DareGod · 02-01-2016 06:43AM

ken wrote: »

Daregod, Would you like this moved to personal issues or the bereavement forum?

Sorry, ken. As per my previous post, I am only seeing your post now. As it happens, I am happier to have it in After Hours. Thanks.

02-01-2016 06:56AM

DareGod wrote: »

I ask because the past year (for whatever reason) I dream almost every night about the person I lost. I dream that they came back to life and that I'm hugging them and laughing with them. And when I wake up, it really sucks. And I'm at a stage where this is happening 4 or 5 times a week and I'm becoming absolutely exhausted from it. I'm exhausted throughout the day. Again, I'm not pitying myself, I'm just describing the situation.

I've been to counsellors over the years for technically other reasons, but this is the one topic I have never been able to bring up (not for want of trying) because I wouldn't be able to talk through the tears.
...
Looking back on the past ten years, I believe that this feeling in me has been largely responsible for drinking alcohol as much as I have done, and for my anxiety, as well as for a lot of my own personal failings. And now I feel it's holding me back on an intense surface-level. I know that the only solution is really to go and talk to a counsellor about it, and let them help me get past it.

I think the most important thing in your post is the realisation that you need to see a Counsellor.

Linking a death 10 years ago to exhaustion, drinking, anxiety, feelings that it's holding you back...it sounds like brooding or catatrophisation.

My father died about 10 years ago. He was a wonderful man, we were very close, he just doted on me as I was the youngest of 7. I was thankful he had a peaceful death. And while I sometimes think about him, it's always in a positive way, it brings a smile. That's not meant to be smug or anything, I'm inclined to get stressed about other matters, like work.

Conor Bourke · 02-01-2016 07:53AM

Ally Dick wrote: »

Thankfully my parents are still alive, but my mother in law's death had a terrible impact on my wife. Her mother died five years ago from lung cancer. Wasn't an old woman by any means either. Every Christmas is painful for my wife, and she gets into a bad mood. I tend to like to be upbeat for Christmas so I try and get her out of her rut every year. I feel sorry for her. I think I help her, because my personality tends to be upbeat and happy

I'm sure you mean well and maybe you just didn't phrase it very well but your post infuriated me.

It comes across as you saying that her being sad at Christmas inconveniences you, it doesn't fit in with how you want things to be so you try to make her change to make things better for you.

Nobody has any right to tell anyone else how they should grieve. It's still raw for your wife, even five years later. You don't know what it's like because you haven't experienced loss but it's horrible and Christmas is such a poignant time with so many memories. It's also really upsetting when you're being bombarded with the pressure to be happy and enjoy the party season and on the tv every second ad features complete and happy families. It's like a repeated smack in the face, reminding you that your own family is no longer like that.

I get it that if you have kids of your own you probably want her to be a bit more festive for their sakes but cut the woman some slack and allow her to feel her pain. Don't make her feel that she's wrong to be grieving.

Trump4Prez · 02-01-2016 07:53AM

Recently my Grandfather passed away. He was 90 years old, lived a long healthy life, was a wonderful man, husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather.

His passing has actually had a positive influence on my life as it brought my extended family closer together, I reconnected with relations I had not seen for years. I personally realized the importance of family and the love I have for them. We all miss my Grandfather but we celebrated his life instead of morning the loss.

How has the death of a loved one affected you and your life / daily life ever since?

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