How has the death of a loved one affected you and your life / daily life ever since?

DareGod

I know it's a friday evening (and the friday before Christmas!) and the last thing anyone wants is to feel miserable, but that's kind of the point of this question, and I assume you won't have opened this thread if it means nothing to you. Also Christmas can also be the toughest time for people in these types of situations.

I've never lost a child (since I don't have kids,) and I imagine that to be the worst pain imaginable. I've never lost a sibling, and I've never lost a parent (although I have an alarming amount of friends my own age who have.) I can only imagine those three things to be hideously difficult to experience, and my heart goes out to you if you have been in any of those situations.

My own little story is this: Ten years ago, I lost the person in my family that I was closest to after my parents. Personally, two things made it even worse for me: it was a relatively sudden death, and this person was the kindest, gentlest person I had ever known.

This is not a "poor me" post. I'm aware that I have been ridiculously fortunate in life. I have friends and family who have been through situations 20 times tougher than anything I've ever experienced, and even that doesn't touch on the misery being experienced around the world at any given moment.

What this is is just a question about how your loss and grief have tarnished your life ever since you lost your loved one.

I ask because the past year (for whatever reason) I dream almost every night about the person I lost. I dream that they came back to life and that I'm hugging them and laughing with them. And when I wake up, it really sucks. And I'm at a stage where this is happening 4 or 5 times a week and I'm becoming absolutely exhausted from it. I'm exhausted throughout the day. Again, I'm not pitying myself, I'm just describing the situation.

I've been to counsellors over the years for technically other reasons, but this is the one topic I have never been able to bring up (not for want of trying) because I wouldn't be able to talk through the tears.

I also feel some guilt about the situation in which they died. I had nothing to do with their death whatsoever, but I do feel guilt about a few things that went on at the time.

Looking back on the past ten years, I believe that this feeling in me has been largely responsible for drinking alcohol as much as I have done, and for my anxiety, as well as for a lot of my own personal failings. And now I feel it's holding me back on an intense surface-level. I know that the only solution is really to go and talk to a counsellor about it, and let them help me get past it.

But for now, I'm just curious to hear some stories from yourselves, to know that I'm not alone in this type of situation, and I'm interested to hear about your own similar situations.

Again, I know it's a friday evening, and the friday before Christmas of all times, but grief really doesn't take weekends off - not unless we go get drunk.

questionmark?

OP you might be best asking a mod to move this the personal issue/bereavement forum.

Ken.

Daregod, Would you like this moved to personal issues or the bereavement forum?

melissak

I think the death of anyone you loved does and should effect you deeply. It is a tribute to how important that person was, that they loved you and how their existence enhanced your existence. It is a testament that their life was important to you and I imagine our loved ones would be honoured but not to the point where your cannot live your life to the best of your potential and hopefully enhance the lives of others. I am sure your loved one would not want you to beat yourself up over things that in the scheme of things over the course of a lifetime are trivial. Think about it, would you want them to feel this way if your roles were reversed.
Try to remember the good times that you shared and the ways which you eenhanced each others lives.
I think Christmas is an emotional time for everyone, but it can also be a time of goodwill and sociability. Maybe take advantage of the season to catch up with some friends and festive spirit.

hairyslug

Both my parents have died this year, for my mother's death I reacted quite badly and it took quite a while for me to start grieving and for me to get over it, my relationship with my mother was not the best.
My father died last Saturday, my relationship was much better with him but I don't feel upset (it's difficult to put into words), by Christ I miss him but there is something in me that is glad that he is at peace now.


And maybe AH is the best place for this, sometimes is nice to look at the death of a loved one in a lighter manner

Paramite Pie

No, I've never experienced a loss like that. Clearly there's some unresolved issues and this has been a big burden on you.

I have experienced recurring dreams/nightmares and there is a method of overcoming that which worked for me. First I want to think about common elements in all the dreams -- what room/s it happens in, if your doing any routine/daily chores in the dream when it happens etc...

Before you go to bed, I want you to repeatedly remind yourself that if or when 'x' happens then your dreaming and you're going to wake up. It's surprisingly simple and was very effective for me.

I was having vivid dreams where my teeth were falling out or sometimes my hair, nails and sometimes even my intestines falling out - and I always used to think 'oh no - i dreamt about this happening and now it's coming true!' Now I remember that I'm dreaming almost immediately and the dream either ends/meanders onto something else or I wake up.

The dreams were terrifying but you clearly have a very different trauma. But maybe it will work for you.

JupiterKid

I lost my mother when I was just 15 (she was only 46 herself) and my father passed away last year. I feel quite lost without my parents. I have two sisters but they live abroad so I am quite alone here in Ireland although I do have a good circle of friends that I can draw upon for support and strength.

Christmas is a bittersweet time of year for me but I always try to remember the happy Christmases of years past and the family and friends that I still have to celebrate with.

The_Valeyard

Such sad stories


I do my best to move on, but I will never, ever forget them. I do my best to remember there voice, there movements, who they were as a person. I cherish those good memories, it's something close to my heart. I do believe they are in a better place dispite ridicule from some quarters of society, and I know I will see them someday, but not, hopefully for a long, long time.


To those we have all loved and lost, may they rest in peace and never be forgot.

Azalea

Ah OP you poor thing, sorry to read it.

I guess, objectively, there's a "scale" of awfulness when it comes to death - losing a child, losing a loved one to suicide, losing a parent early, losing a partner, all being the worst... I guess. But an individual's own personal pain is immeasurable and not always the same in terms of how it manifests itself, and how they deal with it is extremely personal also. And pain is shared too: losing a friend might not be the same as losing a child, but that friend was still someone else's child. And sometimes people grow up in families where e.g. their aunt or uncle are more a part of their life than their mother or father.

Don't feel like you have to explain yourself OP and maybe consider counselling for it - counsellors won't care if you can barely speak for crying; they deal with it all the time and are trained to do so. It's part of their job to help people who get that upset.

Diamond Doll

Would you believe I'm thirty and have never yet lost a loved one. (Touch wood etc.)

I am actually very much affected when people die, particularly when they're young or when it's tragic/unexpected circumstances, whether I know the person or not. Can't imagine how I'd cope if it were someone close to me.

I'm saddened to hear of all of your experiences
Christmas tends to bring grief to the fore. It highlights what we have lost. It does for me anyway. Loss comes in many guises. I think it's worth keeping this in mind. I don't think there is a scale. Each person's experience is unique to them.

My mam is gone forever thanks to alzheimers. There have been other incidences of loss for me where the person didn't actually die.
All we need to do is go take a look at the personal issues forum. Broken relationships and loneliness leads to grief. Whether we like it or not life will catch up with us and we will hurt. No one escapes.

mud

A girl in my class died when we were 15. Her 20 year anniversary was earlier this month. Her death had a profound effect on my life due mainly to the fact that bereavement counselling was unheard of at the time and my parents weren't aware of the absolute turmoil I was in because I didn't let it show. Now, I know I was in deep shock but all I can really remember from that time is stumbling through the days not giving a flying fork about my responsibilities.

After that I lost a best friend because he ended his own life. I was messed up for years after that.

I went for counselling after a cousin's sudden death and the amount of sh1te I'd been holding in and bottling up was astounding.

I recommend bereavement counselling to anyone dealing with death. If not properly addressed it can lead to mucho problems down the line.

caille

Post deleted.

eviltwin

Lost my beloved dad and took it hard, he was the only one in my family who was in touch with me so I feel very alone. I have my husband and kids but I miss having a family especially this time of year. The one thing I always loved about my dad was he loved me no matter what, he didn't care about my mistakes and always encouraged me and believed in me at a time when I had very bad self esteem. He was my hero and I was lucky to have him for as long as I did. He was the first person I lost and it made me realise how short life is so I don't waste it. Miss you pops xx

Fleawuss

This is AH not personal issues. I'll try to park the smart assery but I sometimes think the less pussy footing the better. I've had losses like everyone: the difference is I think my mother. She was enormously pragmatic and seriously brilliant: her message to me was from an early age that death is part of the deal. You live knowing you will die. Face it. Live to the last. And death comes but you don't keep looking at it: it literally is nothing. Be glad for what you shared and know the dead are lost to you. Dreaming of their return is only longing for the impossible. Live the possible; whatever good they gave you, give to those after you.


I should drink less.

Lord Trollington

Op could I ask you some questions about your post?

Who was the person that died?

Why do you feel guilty?

DeltaWhite

I lost my dear Mam last year. Very sudden and just 3 days before my 28th birthday. Last Christmas was just a blur, pure shock and sadness.

This Christmas the loss is much more deep. I've had time to process but still not accept that she's gone. So I've found this year much harder. I can deal with it though, I'm a tough cookie when I need to be. The thing I find most hard is how all my friends are completely oblivious to how I'm doing. My bereavement counsellor (which I really recommend, absolutely necessary to me throughout this time) had told me that this would happen! So I just get on with it and try my best to adapt to life without her, even in a room full of people, you can still feel alone particularly when you're going through a massive loss like that.

But after all that sadness, here's to 2016. Having a positive mind that it will be a good one

Hammer89

DeltaWhite wrote: »

I lost my dear Mam last year. Very sudden and just 3 days before my 28th birthday. Last Christmas was just a blur, pure shock and sadness.

This Christmas the loss is much more deep. I've had time to process but still not accept that she's gone. So I've found this year much harder. I can deal with it though, I'm a tough cookie when I need to be. The thing I find most hard is how all my friends are completely oblivious to how I'm doing. My bereavement counsellor (which I really recommend, absolutely necessary to me throughout this time) had told me that this would happen! So I just get on with it and try my best to adapt to life without her, even in a room full of people, you can still feel alone particularly when you're going through a massive loss like that.

But after all that sadness, here's to 2016. Having a positive mind that it will be a good one

This has made me quite worried. I lost my mum in February, meaning this is the first Christmas without her, but I thought I was, not over the whole thing, but dealing with it. Now I'm a bit scared that the hard part hasn't even started.

miss tickle

DareGod wrote: »

I know it's a friday evening (and the friday before Christmas!) and the last thing anyone wants is to feel miserable, but that's kind of the point of this question, and I assume you won't have opened this thread if it means nothing to you. Also Christmas can also be the toughest time for people in these types of situations.

I've never lost a child (since I don't have kids,) and I imagine that to be the worst pain imaginable. I've never lost a sibling, and I've never lost a parent (although I have an alarming amount of friends my own age who have.) I can only imagine those three things to be hideously difficult to experience, and my heart goes out to you if you have been in any of those situations.

My own little story is this: Ten years ago, I lost the person in my family that I was closest to after my parents. Personally, two things made it even worse for me: it was a relatively sudden death, and this person was the kindest, gentlest person I had ever known.

This is not a "poor me" post. I'm aware that I have been ridiculously fortunate in life. I have friends and family who have been through situations 20 times tougher than anything I've ever experienced, and even that doesn't touch on the misery being experienced around the world at any given moment.

What this is is just a question about how your loss and grief have tarnished your life ever since you lost your loved one.

I ask because the past year (for whatever reason) I dream almost every night about the person I lost. I dream that they came back to life and that I'm hugging them and laughing with them. And when I wake up, it really sucks. And I'm at a stage where this is happening 4 or 5 times a week and I'm becoming absolutely exhausted from it. I'm exhausted throughout the day. Again, I'm not pitying myself, I'm just describing the situation.

I've been to counsellors over the years for technically other reasons, but this is the one topic I have never been able to bring up (not for want of trying) because I wouldn't be able to talk through the tears.

I also feel some guilt about the situation in which they died. I had nothing to do with their death whatsoever, but I do feel guilt about a few things that went on at the time.

Looking back on the past ten years, I believe that this feeling in me has been largely responsible for drinking alcohol as much as I have done, and for my anxiety, as well as for a lot of my own personal failings. And now I feel it's holding me back on an intense surface-level. I know that the only solution is really to go and talk to a counsellor about it, and let them help me get past it.

But for now, I'm just curious to hear some stories from yourselves, to know that I'm not alone in this type of situation, and I'm interested to hear about your own similar situations.

Again, I know it's a friday evening, and the friday before Christmas of all times, but grief really doesn't take weekends off - not unless we go get drunk.

Op, when my father died, I felt the responsibility lay with me, I felt I had missed all the signs, and I had. He had a heart condition, and developed a chest infection. If he had gone to the doctor, it would have been treated, but my mother had convinced him, that due to his heart condition he would be transferred to a hospital in the next county, so he refused to go. Eventually when he was admitted to the local hospital, she insisted that we could not visit him, (only during visiting hours, which was bull****, as I found out later)). He was transferred to the regional hospital, where he died. However, my point is that I was the only person in my family to feel guilt. So don't feel guilty, otherwise other family members will capitalize on this and use it to advance their own victim hood agenda.

bennyineire

I lost my brother in law 3 1/2 years ago to a tragic accident. He was 29 and left behind 2 young children and a young wife.

Still living with it every day, his house is 300 yards up a country lane and the parents in law 500 yards up the way.

He was an only son of a farmer so it's very hard on his Dad (not saying it would be any easier if they had 5 sons), I've been caught in the middle of it TBH and have found it tough to accept my grief as I always feel like I don't have it as bad as his kids/wife/parents/sisters (one of which is my wife).

I'm in the middle of it but still on the outside if that makes sense but I can't feel too sorry for myself as I'm alive and my 2 young kids still have me.

But I have lost a great friend who was taken away cruelly and I often fantasise about the future we might have had.

dreamers75

Every now and then I want to text me da with something funny.

I have on numerous occasions taken out my phone and about to send him a link to whatever Liverpool FC piss take i have seen......then I remember he is dead and I feel awful.

It never gets easier.

Ken.

I lost my grandfather last Saturday. I thought I was ok with it, he was 95 and had been on the decline for the last 8 months. Twice we were called saying he had x hours left and come say goodbye and he pulled through both times. Then this evening sitting in the dining area of a shopping centre with hundreds of people around a thought hit me. This time last week I had a granddad. I'll admit I got a lump in my throat.

I've lost other relations and friends and have been ok but this one is hard. It seemed like he'd go on forever.

blackcard

I lost my mother in the last year, the person I have loved most in my life and it has been a strange experience. On the one hand, if I didn't 't think of Mam at least twice a day I would feel guilty, on the other hand I know that nothing else can hurt so much so it gives me a certain sense of freedom

NachoBusiness

I surprised anyone copes with the death of someone they truly love. That might sound weird because death is such a part of life but life is something in and of itself which is quite bizarre. Again, that most likely sounds weird but here we are on a planet in the middle of nowhere. We pop out of each other like Gremlins and then one day each and everyone of us will stop breathing for one reason or another, decompose and they're gone. How we're all not all residents of the funny farm I don't know.

I'm slightly drunk so please view the above post with that in mind.

mud

NachoBusiness wrote: »

I surprised anyone copes with the death of someone they truly love. That might sound weird because death is such a part of life but life is something in and of itself which is quite bizarre. Again, that most likely sounds weird but here we are on a planet in the middle of nowhere. We pop out of each other like Gremlins and then one day each and everyone of us will stop breathing for one reason or another, decompose and they're gone. How we're all not all residents of the funny farm I don't know.

I'm slightly drunk so please view the above post with that in mind.

I know right? It's an absolute farce that we live our lives avoiding the concept of death by working and creating and generally looking the other way and ignoring the gigantic f*cking mammoth in the room :pac:

Still though, be grand.

Heckler

My Dad died close on eleven years ago. We were never particulary close but I loved the man. We brought him to hospital christmas eve 2005 and he died jan 10. I was first there when we got the call to come quick but he was gone.

When the nurse told me I just went numb from head to toe. Every limb felt about 50% thicker. It was the weirdest feeling. Then I had to call sisters living abroad etc.

If I'm honest I wasn't a great son. Not bad or anything just probably dismissive of a good and interesting man and I feel bad for that.

I'm trying to make amends for that by being better for/to my mother.

Not a death although someone would compare but my separation from my wife broke me for 3 years and only around now am I coming out of a self destructive downward spiral.

Good luck OP.

Azalea

ken wrote: »

I lost my grandfather last Saturday. I thought I was ok with it, he was 95 and had been on the decline for the last 8 months. Twice we were called saying he had x hours left and come say goodbye and he pulled through both times. Then this evening sitting in the dining area of a shopping centre with hundreds of people around a thought hit me. This time last week I had a granddad. I'll admit I got a lump in my throat.

I've lost other relations and friends and have been ok but this one is hard. It seemed like he'd go on forever.

I was the exact same when my grandmother died aged 97 (not far off 98). Sure, she lived to a great age and was in a lot of pain for the last few years of her life, and she expressed how much she wished for the physical pain to end, and we knew it was only a matter of time. But when it actually happened, we were devastated beyond anything we had anticipated - like you said, it was just so weird because it felt like she would be around forever, even though we knew obviously she wouldn't. For her children, their mother was gone - doesn't matter what age you are, that's a colossal loss. Ditto in the case of a father.

Sorry for your loss.

Ken.

Azalea wrote: »

I was the exact same when my grandmother died aged 97 (not far off 98). Sure, she lived to a great age and was in a lot of pain for the last few years of her life, and she expressed how much she wished for the physical pain to end, and we knew it was only a matter of time. But when it actually happened, we were devastated beyond anything we had anticipated - like you said, it was just so weird because it felt like she would be around forever, even though we knew obviously she wouldn't. For her children, their mother was gone - doesn't matter what age you are, that's a colossal loss. Ditto in the case of a father.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

Summer wind

My dad died in December 5 years ago. I have always felt so guilty because I feel I was responsible for his death. He was diabetic and hadn't been looking after himself properly and I hadn't seen him physically in a few months so I hadn't noticed. It was awful at his funeral because I had to be strong for my mam and everyone kept saying how like my dad I was and how sorry they were. I just kept thinking over and over that I didn't deserve people being nice to me because it was my fault my lovely dad was gone.
I will never forget that December going into the hmv shop to get presents for my nephews and hearing two girls talking about which dvd box sets they were going to buy their dads. One of the box sets was Clint Eastwood who was my dads favourite actor. I had just bought my lovely dad a coffin for Christmas. Words can never describe how much I love and miss my dad. He was a true gentleman and always had a smile and nothing was ever too much trouble. He deserved so much more. I will love and miss him always.

dreamers75

Was told on 3 occasions over a 6 month period to come to hospital as they turned off life support "nothing more could be done", he didnt die but they made him brain dead. So we had to wait for the body to give up.

That annoys my family more so than me. He fought to the end I am a no regret person but I wonder if he was treated right from the beginning would i be able to send him those texts now.

Calibos

Summer wind wrote: »

My dad died in December 5 years ago. I have always felt so guilty because I feel I was responsible for his death. He was diabetic and hadn't been looking after himself properly and I hadn't seen him physically in a few months so I hadn't noticed. It was awful at his funeral because I had to be strong for my mam and everyone kept saying how like my dad I was and how sorry they were. I just kept thinking over and over that I didn't deserve people being nice to me because it was my fault my lovely dad was gone.
I will never forget that December going into the hmv shop to get presents for my nephews and hearing two girls talking about which dvd box sets they were going to buy their dads. One of the box sets was Clint Eastwood who was my dads favourite actor. I had just bought my lovely dad a coffin for Christmas. Words can never describe how much I love and miss my dad. He was a true gentleman and always had a smile and nothing was ever too much trouble. He deserved so much more. I will love and miss him always.

Well, for the first time ever I think, a post on boards truly hit me in the feels to the point of making me well up. Nothing is ever too much trouble for my dad and yet I'll grit my teeth when he calls for help with a computer issue or something. I'm going to give him a big hug and remind him how much I love him tomorrow.