Single life as a guy...

Fukuyama · 22-12-2015 06:02PM

Peist2007 wrote: »

Indeed. Is it terrible to point out that most women are just unbelievably disappointing to talk to? It genuinely gladdens my heart when i meet a truly interesting lady. But i can count on one hand the amount of times it happens. Most of the time it is gym, night out, the girls, x-factor / strictly on a loop

Would have to disagree to a point there. Yes, women can have few interesting hobbies (particularly ones which are fads like zumba fitness etc...). I've been stuck in a female dominated office where X-FACTOR, diets, weddings and Hello Magazine was the only conversation fodder.

Just avoid them or switch off your brain while around it.

I've a fair few women friends who I have good conversations with. Admittedly it probably takes longer to find common ground though. As with anyone if you talk to the loudest, most obvious person in the room the conversation will likely reflect a facebook newsfeed in terms of quality.

mzungu · 22-12-2015 06:06PM

fits wrote: »

And bitchin on at the lads about the wife or husband certainly isnt going to help matters. Seriously, why do people do that!!! ( personal conversations aside obviously)

I would tend to agree here. If there are issues in the relationship then surely it would be better to have a conversation with their significant other. I doubt that many marriage problems have been solved by the lads down at the boozer!!

mzungu · 22-12-2015 06:17PM

Confucius say wrote: »

So may as well put this out there. Met a girl last week and stuff happened, she's really cool and I'm very attracted to her. It was instant attraction from the moment I approached her in the bar, something I never do really, and before we knew it were in a taxi together. She has a 12 year old kid though that's with her half the week I think. So that would usually put me off.
Plus side she has her own gaf and I'm soon to have mine and we've similar interests and we really seemed to get on so naturally, I mean I can't wait to see her again.
Would a kid be a deal breaker for you guys? Would it be wrong to start a casual thing with her? Oh yeah I'm 35 and she's 37 if that matters.

Age does not come into it. If you like her and you get on like a house on fire then go for it. Nothing to loose.

mzungu · 22-12-2015 07:00PM

Peist2007 wrote: »

Indeed. Is it terrible to point out that most women are just unbelievably disappointing to talk to? It genuinely gladdens my heart when i meet a truly interesting lady. But i can count on one hand the amount of times it happens. Most of the time it is gym, night out, the girls, x-factor / strictly on a loop

By and large, that has not been my experience. With some groups of people then yes. But to be fair, you could say the exact same thing about some lads too

Swap X Factor & Strictly for Premiership / GAA / UFC (since 6 months ago :pac: ) etc.

It has been ages since I heard anybody talking incessantly about the above, maybe thats only a thing for teens and twenty somethings? I left that stage a few moons ago so maybe I am well out of the loop.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-12-2015 07:06PM

Fukuyama wrote: »

As I said, I may be in the minority. But it wouldn't surprise me if they actively just felt like relationships weren't for them for reasons similar to mine or others. I find it very easy to be totally alone for extended periods of time. I'm often the object of pity (even in this thread) for wanting to be alone but I save my sympathy for those who panicked and jumped on the next train that came along.

I hope I'm not making bad choices and sending myself down the wrong path. But I guess you have to go with your gut feeling on these kind of issues.

I think a lot of people end up bowing to the pressure to be in a relationship when they're really not suited to it, and end up in terrible relationships. There's nothing wrong with being single and being happy out.

Christ, in my late teens and early twenties I don't know how many relationships I saw where two people were made miserable because one person just wasn't invested in it. Either they weren't at the right time in their life for that, or they just weren't that kind of person. There's such a stigma to being 'better off alone', such a culturally imposed overtone of failure (even though there's nothing actually wrong with it), that people often really don't like admitting about themselves, so honestly I think your attitude is a good, healthy one, by and large.

The henpecking wife certainly exists, I have a few male friends with a bad dose of that and it's horrible to be around. And the man with an aversion to commitment also certainly exists, the problem is that society puts such an emphasis on coupledom that he often ends up in a relationship. I've been the woman in that relationship, where 'could you not pick your nose in front of me' ends up in 'you're not the boss of me and we're not married and stop pressuring meeeeeeeee', and it's not fun for anyone.

GFT · 22-12-2015 07:13PM

Went out with a girl who had a kid. I wouldn't do it again as it was twice as painful when we had to break up.

fits · 22-12-2015 07:18PM

Frank Dry Logging wrote: »

I . I've been the woman in that relationship, where 'could you not pick your nose in front of me' ends up in 'you're not the boss of me and we're not married and stop pressuring meeeeeeeee', and it's not fun for anyone.

Ha yeah. Me too. I thought i was being controlling but he was a complete lunatic in retrospect and i never would have felt secure with him. (eg disappearing for days at a time with no contact)

Potatoeman · 22-12-2015 08:39PM

Wibbs wrote: »

It has been my experience that this is extremely weighted towards women. In my life I've known quite a few women, certainly before 30, who have dumped one guy with another on the horizon or already in play. Quite the number have even overlapped. I've had it happen to me a couple of times, both as the overlapped and the overlappee(should be a word ). I used to think it was a gender thing and it is, but for a less obvious reason. Women, young attractive women have more choice, so there's more likely to be overlap(Extremely good looking men are more likely to have this overlap too). Women are more judged for being single too which plays into it. Actually someone who is an overlapping type who has never been single is a major red flag for me. The boyfriend is something to have, a box to tick, a cardboard cutout for her ego. They're playing relationship musical chairs and just make sure you're not the guy she decides is The One(™) when she hits 35 and the music stops.

Serial dating is not a quality that many people look for in a long term partner. The overlap raises the question of cheating at worst and at best that you are always on the lookout for something better.

Wibbs wrote: »

Nature of a sellers market. Women have more choice. However good choices are just as difficult for them, if not more. Men have a lot of advantages. For a start we can approach women. We've more years to play with to start a family and we can earn attractiveness.

Women can approach men, many of them won't. The frequent excuse is that they 'don't want to seem desperate' and they can just wait for guys to do the approaching.

I was talking to my sister and her friend (both of them in their late thirties and early forties), they were complaining about guys not approaching them and some guys that do, do it badly. They didn't seem to realise they were filtering out the players. The guy that is good at 'chatting up' and approaching women is probably doing it a lot so there is more competition.

Potatoeman · 22-12-2015 08:47PM

mzungu wrote: »

Age does not come into it. If you like her and you get on like a house on fire then go for it. Nothing to loose.

Age does come into it. If one person already has children they might not want more. I think women that don't have kids should be particularly careful of this.

Wanderer78 · 22-12-2015 09:15PM

fits wrote: »

Ha yeah. Me too. I thought i was being controlling but he was a complete lunatic in retrospect and i never would have felt secure with him. (eg disappearing for days at a time with no contact)

what if you rarely use phones and dont do any sort of social media?

fits · 22-12-2015 09:30PM

^ Completely OT but Even before the advent of mobile phones and social media it would have been fairly inconsiderate to not give an indication of your safety within a reasonable period of time. Even now, its fairly easy to borrow a phone even if you don't have one.

Wanderer78 · 22-12-2015 09:34PM

fits wrote: »

^ Completely OT but Even before the advent of mobile phones and social media it would have been fairly inconsiderate to not give an indication of your safety within a reasonable period of time. Even now, its fairly easy to borrow a phone even if you don't have one.

its a fair point alright but i really dont bother with phones at all. mine is switched off most of the time. know a chap thats never had a mobile. another mate didnt have one for a couple of years. said it was bliss. was reluctant to get another one

mzungu · 22-12-2015 09:52PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Age does come into it. If one person already has children they might not want more. I think women that don't have kids should be particularly careful of this.

Agreed. I put in bold the wrong sentence. I meant to answer the posters query only about whether a 35 versus 37 age difference mattered. I was not taking kids as being part of the mix.

Mister Vain · 22-12-2015 09:59PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

I was talking to my sister and her friend (both of them in their late thirties and early forties), they were complaining about guys not approaching them and some guys that do, do it badly. They didn't seem to realise they were filtering out the players. The guy that is good at 'chatting up' and approaching women is probably doing it a lot so there is more competition.

That is true, and yet I don't know any couples that have met as a result of a cold approach in a bar or club. Most couples I know either met in work or through friends. And then you hear people saying, "you need to get out more." which is bad enough if you don't enjoy bars and clubs but its probably not the best way to meet someone anyway, especially as so many seem to be doing online dating these days.

Wibbs · 22-12-2015 10:25PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Serial dating is not a quality that many people look for in a long term partner. The overlap raises the question of cheating at worst and at best that you are always on the lookout for something better.

Certainly. The problem can be spotting such a person P. Unless they tell you, how would you know? It can take a while to see that they'e never been single. Sometimes it's not so obvious and I know I was caught out a couple of times. Mostly I wasn't crazy about them so could dial it right back but once I was and with the full love thing going on the blinkers came down. Oh it was fantastic while it lasted, but as they say "love is a drug"(well Roxy music did anyway) and like anyone with experience of drugs legal or not, the bigger the buzz, the harsher the hangover and love is one helluva buzz.

Women can approach men, many of them won't. The frequent excuse is that they 'don't want to seem desperate' and they can just wait for guys to do the approaching.

To be fair for good reason. A lot of men can get real twitchy if a woman approaches them. It flips the script too much for them. Plus women send "signals" and "approach" all the damned time. They're usually not too obvious, but IMH that's an inbuilt thing. Being subtle filters out the slow kids at the back of the class. It also filters out the low in confidence guys. Back in the day - and not so long ago - this was a good thing as you needed a somewhat confident guy with social skills or you could end up being eaten by something toothy and hairy.

Potatoeman · 22-12-2015 10:28PM

Mister Vain wrote: »

That is true, and yet I don't know any couples that have met as a result of a cold approach in a bar or club. Most couples I know either met in work or through friends. And then you hear people saying, "you need to get out more." which is bad enough if you don't enjoy bars and clubs but its probably not the best way to meet someone anyway, especially as so many seem to be doing online dating these days.

When you meet someone through work or friends you can find out far more about them than somebody you meet at a bar. That's before you even consider other things like shared interests and common ground.

mzungu · 22-12-2015 10:34PM

Mister Vain wrote: »

That is true, and yet I don't know any couples that have met as a result of a cold approach in a bar or club. Most couples I know either met in work or through friends. And then you hear people saying, "you need to get out more." which is bad enough if you don't enjoy bars and clubs but its probably not the best way to meet someone anyway, especially as so many seem to be doing online dating these days.

Anecdotally, I have heard of a loads of people who seem to hook up at hill walking, running, and various gym classes like kettle bells / crossfit etc . That seems to be where its all at these days.

Confucius say · 22-12-2015 10:37PM

mzungu wrote: »

Anecdotally, I have heard of a loads of people who seem to hook up at hill walking, running, and various gym classes like kettle bells / crossfit etc . That seems to be where its all at these days.

Heard of it man but cmon who meets anyone through hill walking or wine tasting in the real world ffs? Pretty much everyone I know met their partner through friends or randomly while out. Same goes for me although I've had a few sojourns into internet dating with very mild success.

RainyDay · 22-12-2015 10:45PM

Confucius say wrote: »

Heard of it man but cmon who meets anyone through hill walking or wine tasting in the real world ffs? Pretty much everyone I know met their partner through friends or randomly while out. Same goes for me although I've had a few sojourns into internet dating with very mild success.

I was at a wedding some years back of a couple in their 20s who met at a bridge club. Mind you, the marriage didn't last.

I was at a wedding of two tag rugby enthusiasts a couple of years back, and there were at least four couples within the one club. I know of several people who met their partners through scout groups, or political groups.

Mister Vain · 22-12-2015 11:03PM

I went to a wedding once... never again.

Potatoeman · 22-12-2015 11:28PM

Wibbs wrote: »

To be fair for good reason. A lot of men can get real twitchy if a woman approaches them. It flips the script too much for them. Plus women send "signals" and "approach" all the damned time. They're usually not too obvious, but IMH that's an inbuilt thing. Being subtle filters out the slow kids at the back of the class. It also filters out the low in confidence guys. Back in the day - and not so long ago - this was a good thing as you needed a somewhat confident guy with social skills or you could end up being eaten by something toothy and hairy.

I don't think guys mind being approached but attraction is subjective. There is always the risk of rejection and guys don't like openly rejecting women.

There are subtle filters like: the glance across the room, the stand near the guy and hope he notices you, the moonwalk (best done with a wing woman to guide you as you approach the guy backwards to 'accidentally' bump into him) and even flick your hair at the guy to get his attention because he hasn't approached you after you clearly are standing near him.

Not sure how any of this helps you against predators but reading body language is a very useeful skill these days.

lazybones32 · 23-12-2015 08:12AM

Mister Vain wrote: »

I went to a wedding once... never again.

Was it yours?

Wibbs · 23-12-2015 11:50AM

Confucius say wrote: »

Heard of it man but cmon who meets anyone through hill walking or wine tasting in the real world ffs?

Oh I've known a few. Of my exes, I met a couple through work, a couple through friends, a couple through shared interests and even had some "movie moment" bumping into each other in the street. Of pubs and nightclubs only one very short term relationship(romantic anyway) and hookups.

Potatoeman wrote: »

Not sure how any of this helps you against predators but reading body language is a very useeful skill these days.

Indeed. Men can be really bad at it, but so can the women. Not so long ago I was out of a night with two women and they were getting lots of interested looks from guys and they didn't spot it nearly as much as I did.

23-12-2015 12:55PM

Confucius say wrote: »

Heard of it man but cmon who meets anyone through hill walking or wine tasting in the real world ffs?

I have known a few meeting partners through hill walking. Have to say I do not yet know a single one who met over wine tasting. Quite a few I have known met at dance classes. Especially the dance classes that make a point of doing the class bit in class - but then later taking it to a real bar. Salsa classes are known for that.

A few with the hill walking though were gay too. There have been a few gay groups organized for hill walking and since I have a lot of them in my social circles I ended up going to a few of those meet ups. They were a lot of fun I must say. Really funny people - did more laughing than walking those days.

Hash House Harriers are a hill running group. They describe themselves as a "Drinking group with a running problem". One of my girlfriends loves hill running so we got into their group briefly. Lots of people pairing off at those. But they live up to their slogan - and it was a lot of beering. Whereas she was more into extremer types of hill running. They type where you slap a tent and supplies on your back and go running in the hills for 3 or 4 days.

I have never done the internet dating thing per se. But my bested best friend did. Took meeting about 25 girls before he finally clicked with "the one" - and they are now with child and everything. But although I did not do internet dating - the internet is to blame for meeting my current partners. As it was organising pre-gig meetups online for bands and singers I liked - where you meet with other fans for a drink or two before and after the show - that led me to meet the girls. Anyone single who is trying to meet someone and is into live music - I recommend this. Go to the website forum of the music you like a week before a gig and arrange a meet up for the fans before the show. You meet great people. I still have many close friends from my period doing that.

Confucius say · 23-12-2015 02:08PM

Happy Xmas singletons, don't get too fat or we'll be posting here a lot longer

Wanderer2010 · 23-12-2015 02:24PM

Pros: You can keep to your own timetable you can do what you want and have casual meetings with no strings.

Cons: The amount of people who think they have the right to pry into your business "Aw still single, are we ever going to sort you out?" is an oft-repeated statement from family relatives, friends and even workmates, as If being single is a character deficit that must be filled asap. I find it incredibly rude when people feel the need to pry into your personal life. I mean, I would never ask another person to share their marital status, shame more people aren't like me.

Another con: This might be envy in disguise but I'm shocked by how some of my friends got a partner, one guy in particular is an immature, overweight and spoilt brat who would from outside look like the eternal loser in love and yet he has a very nice long term girlfriend who could do a LOT better and whats worse, he has a maddening sense of entitlement about being in a relationship, he never mentions how lucky he is or how hard he had to chase her: Its as if he gives off a vibe of "Of course I'm not single, why would I be". :mad:

Confucius say · 23-12-2015 02:29PM

I find it almost hard to believe there are relatives and friends who do the whole "we have to find you someone thing". Surely they'd know it makes people uncomfortable, especially girls? All I seem to get is praise from relatives and friends etc for avoiding marriage and sighs of regret for them not doing same

Wanderer2010 · 23-12-2015 02:39PM

Confucius say wrote: »

I find it almost hard to believe there are relatives and friends who do the whole "we have to find you someone thing". Surely they'd know it makes people uncomfortable, especially girls? All I seem to get is praise from relatives and friends etc for avoiding marriage and sighs of regret for them not doing same

I can only speak for myself but a lot of people out there still see a man/woman in their 30s who is single as almost an experiment and try to match them up with someone before......you die? I presume they must think that all single people are sad creatures who must be saved. The worst type person to me though is the workmate who makes sly comments about your marital status. I once had a workmate try to volunteer me for doing a task on sunday that nobody wanted and phrase it as "singleton like yourself, we have kids to bring out", I lost it at him and said don't ever make comments about my personal life you haven't a fcuking clue what my life is like" and he just stormed off not even an apology.

Other people can make being singe tougher sadly..

SarahMollie · 23-12-2015 02:45PM

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I can only speak for myself but a lot of people out there still see a man/woman in their 30s who is single as almost an experiment and try to match them up with someone before......you die? I presume they must think that all single people are sad creatures who must be saved. The worst type person to me though is the workmate who makes sly comments about your marital status. I once had a workmate try to volunteer me for doing a task on sunday that nobody wanted and phrase it as "singleton like yourself, we have kids to bring out", I lost it at him and said don't ever make comments about my personal life you haven't a fcuking clue what my life is like" and he just stormed off not even an apology.

Other people can make being singe tougher sadly..

Oh trust me you don't even have to be single to have this happen, childless will do!

Although the use of one of the most annoying words in the English language "singleton" must have rubbed salt into the wound!

This attitude can be quite pervasive in parents, just because they have children, you should pick up the slack.

Confucius say · 23-12-2015 02:46PM

Ha well done Wanderer, you stood your ground well

Single life as a guy...

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