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I cheated..

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    #32
    DeltaWhite
    Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭DeltaWhite


    Just one thing to point out - how absolutely sure are you that your wife is going to say "yeah sure James, let's pack it in and give up on our marriage"

    What if she turns around and says she wants to work on it and that it's worth saving?

    You haven't thought this through, your new fling is clouding your thoughts and judgement. The other thread is different, yours is calculated. You knowingly went and created a profile, built up a relationship with this girl and now you're basically up sh!t creek.


    All I can say is, if you're going to break up with your wife, you may aswell be honest with her. You know that saying about scorned women? I would be wary of trying to lie and cover your tracks. It will only make things worse for you.


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    #33
    FortySeven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,296 ✭✭✭FortySeven


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    That's not true...you're just making a general assumption. Of course I care about the kids, and that is the main issue for me.

    I'm sure they are now but it was when you uploaded your profile, when you got chatting, when you went to meet, when you went to bed with her. That's when you should have been thinking of them.

    Still, what's done is done. At the moment you should be considering yourself last, your wife next and your kids first. How you work this out without damaging your children dictates how you go about ending your marriage. Make sure they are somewhere else for a few days when you first tell your wife for example.

    Kids will blame themselves anyway, the more you can do to mitigate this situation the better. Try to keep it amicable if possible. I do have sympathy for you, we all make mistakes but when it comes to mistakes involving children then the responsibilities are much greater as are the ramifications. Do not take those responsibilities lightly.

    Too often these situations end in nasty court battles and hatred, you have to ensure this is kept as civil as possible for the kids sake.


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    #34
    Scarinae
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 11,362 ✭✭✭✭Scarinae


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Anyway, earlier this year, out of boredom, I set up a fake profile on a dating site, just for the fun.
    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    After a week or so, (we still had eachothers numbers), she messaged me out of the blue...and we started talking again.
    What really strikes me about the opening post is the fact that you're not taking any responsibility for your actions, as if you just set up a dating profile without intending anything and this girl pursued you rather than the other way around.
    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I couldn't tell you the last time I held my wife's hand.
    When was the last time you tried?

    The way you write about the new girl makes you sound like a teenager with his first girlfriend! A lot of these feelings are because she's someone new - you probably felt like that about your wife once.

    Anyway, it seems pretty clear that your relationship with your wife is over so you should take the necessary steps to end things amicably. However I think that lying further is disrespectful to both your wife and the new girl. I'm not saying that your wife needs descriptions of what you and the new girl have been doing in bed, but if she asks you if there is someone else on the scene then you should be honest with her. You might think you're going to be able to hide it, but your wife will be asking questions to try to understand what went wrong, and she may even suggest avenues such as couples counselling in an attempt to save your marriage, which you clearly won't be interested in trying. However you seem to be more concerned with how this whole situation may change other people's opinions of you than how it is going to affect your wife and children.


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    #35
    jamesieboy15
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭jamesieboy15


    Colser wrote: »
    If thats the case do your wife a favour and move on,she should be your priority.
    If you are sure your marriage is over what exactly is stopping you telling your wife?

    I might be a di**head, but I'm not that much of a one to do it that close to Xmas.


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    #36
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I might be a di**head, but I'm not that much of a one to do it that close to Xmas.

    Your Christmas will be retrospectively seen as a lie and betrayal as you continue your charade through the holiday.

    They will look back and be disgusted how could sit there and lie while you are ****ing another woman and plotting a divorce.

    There is no way around the **** here bud.


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    #37
    jamesieboy15
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭jamesieboy15


    DeltaWhite wrote: »
    Just one thing to point out - how absolutely sure are you that your wife is going to say "yeah sure James, let's pack it in and give up on our marriage"

    What if she turns around and says she wants to work on it and that it's worth saving?

    You haven't thought this through, your new fling is clouding your thoughts and judgement. The other thread is different, yours is calculated. You knowingly went and created a profile, built up a relationship with this girl and now you're basically up sh!t creek.


    All I can say is, if you're going to break up with your wife, you may aswell be honest with her. You know that saying about scorned women? I would be wary of trying to lie and cover your tracks. It will only make things worse for you.

    If she turns around and says she wants to try, then of course I will. I will try my best, and if it works out, great. If it doesn't, then I can always say I tried.


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    #38
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    If she turns around and says she wants to try, then of course I will. I will try my best, and if it works out, great. If it doesn't, then I can always say I tried.

    Eh, where does your girlfriend, the woman you say you're in love with remember?, fit into that?


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    #39
    jamesieboy15
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭jamesieboy15


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Eh, where does your girlfriend, the woman you say you're in love with remember?, fit into that?

    She has taken a step back until I decide what I want. The guilt is killing her and she can't do it anymore. She has made it quite clear that she wants me to try, as she is not waiting around for me. If she is still there if/when that happens, then she is willing to give it a try. She wants my decision to have nothing to do with her...she doesn't want to be clouding my judgement, if that makes sense.


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    #40
    DeltaWhite
    Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭DeltaWhite


    But on one hand you're saying you're in love with this girl but on the other saying that if your wife wants to work it out you'll "try your best"???

    You probably should have tried to work it out before setting up the profile. But what's done is done so best be honest now with your wife. I really think its in your best interest.


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    #41
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    She has taken a step back until I decide what I want. The guilt is killing her and she can't do it anymore. She has made it quite clear that she wants me to try, as she is not waiting around for me. If she is still there if/when that happens, then she is willing to give it a try. She wants my decision to have nothing to do with her...she doesn't want to be clouding my judgement, if that makes sense.

    If she is so noble I would wonder why she found it appropriate to chase a married man in the first place. As you said in your op she re-started contact knowing you were married.....it's a bit late to feel guilty AFTER having sex with someone else's husband.

    Are you going to 100% commit to fixing your marriage if your wife wants that?


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    #42
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Imo, there is no going back from this as you obviously don't want to fix your marriage. I also think that this girl isn't clouding his judgement as he was obviously extremely unhappy as he set up a dating profile, fake or not it was still set up.
    You have messed up royally op, do what's right for your wife, get a divorce. Allow her to find someone who truly cares for her


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    #43
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Op, you don't love your wife so you need to finish with her. However I don't think you really love the other girl either. I think she's been an escape for you! A divorce takes 4 years, so get the ball rolling asap.

    For your children's sake, I hope your wife realises it's over too and that she feels in some way the same.


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    #44
    jamesieboy15
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭jamesieboy15


    DeltaWhite wrote: »
    But on one hand you're saying you're in love with this girl but on the other saying that if your wife wants to work it out you'll "try your best"???

    You probably should have tried to work it out before setting up the profile. But what's done is done so best be honest now with your wife. I really think its in your best interest.

    So ye all think that I should tell her the truth, which would result in it all being over and things being 1000 times worse. As opposed to having a chat about things and seeing what happens. And then if they don't improve, I move on and say nothing about what has happened. I'm obviously going to be a di**head either way, but I just think it would be alot better for everyone, if I didn't tell the truth.


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    #45
    jamesieboy15
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭jamesieboy15


    notjustsweet wrote: »
    If she is so noble I would wonder why she found it appropriate to chase a married man in the first place. As you said in your op she re-started contact knowing you were married.....it's a bit late to feel guilty AFTER having sex with someone else's husband.

    Are you going to 100% commit to fixing your marriage if your wife wants that?

    Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.


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    #46
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    So ye all think that I should tell her the truth, which would result in it all being over and things being 1000 times worse. As opposed to having a chat about things and seeing what happens. And then if they don't improve, I move on and say nothing about what has happened. I'm obviously going to be a di**head either way, but I just think it would be alot better for everyone, if I didn't tell the truth.

    Can you see nothing wrong in that approach at all? Are you really that blind to the situation? You have to tell your wife. You didn't just happen to sleep with someone, you looked for and started an affair with a woman you say you love and want to be with, how do you mend your marriage with all that going on and your wife unaware?


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    #47
    jamesieboy15
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭jamesieboy15


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Can you see nothing wrong in that approach at all? Are you really that blind to the situation? You have to tell your wife. You didn't just happen to sleep with someone, you looked for and started an affair with a woman you say you love and want to be with, how do you mend your marriage with all that going on and your wife unaware?

    But if I tell her, it's 100% over anyway.


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    #48
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    But if I tell her, it's 100% over anyway.

    At least you will both know where you stand. You can't mend a relationship with a secret like this between you. And if she does end it you're free to be with the woman you love which is what you want anyway right?


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    #49
    jamesieboy15
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭jamesieboy15


    eviltwin wrote: »
    At least you will both know where you stand. You can't mend a relationship with a secret like this between you. And if she does end it you're free to be with the woman you love which is what you want anyway right?

    Yes, it's what I want, but ideally not to end it in those circumstances.


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    #50
    Scarinae
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 11,362 ✭✭✭✭Scarinae


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    So ye all think that I should tell her the truth, which would result in it all being over and things being 1000 times worse. As opposed to having a chat about things and seeing what happens. And then if they don't improve, I move on and say nothing about what has happened.
    Why wouldn't you want it all to be over, since you're madly in love with this new girl? I thought you said it was totally over with your wife from your point of view? Are you trying to hedge your bets and make sure that things are definitely on with this new girl before you split with your wife?
    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I'm obviously going to be a di**head either way, but I just think it would be alot better for everyone, if I didn't tell the truth.
    A lot better for everyone, or a lot better for you? As I said in my last post, you seem to be more concerned with how people are going to perceive you than with how the fallout from your actions will affect your children and your wife.
    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.

    It "just happened"? After you set up a dating profile, messaged women who weren't your wife, met one of them and had sex with her. That doesn't "just happen", stop lying to yourself.


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    #51
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Yes, it's what I want, but ideally not to end it in those circumstances.

    You're trying to leave with the least possible damage to yourself.....you're being completely selfish here.


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    #52
    FortySeven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,296 ✭✭✭FortySeven


    Trying to have your cake and eat it here op.


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    #53
    arayess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,707 ✭✭✭arayess


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    Wow. You found someone to use as a transitional object. How cliche.

    This is what moms do to ease the separation of their infants, give them a stuffed teddy or an article of clothing to help them separate.

    Bored husbands find mistresses.... Stuffed teddies for grown ups.

    the hate is strong with you.
    your concepts are simplistic and infantile.

    OP - do whatever you want. It's your life.
    think of where you want to be and then re-trace the steps of how to get there.


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    #54
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.

    You're getting a hard enough time here and I don't want to pile on, but I would say if you're going to talk to your wife and if you want to have any chance of having a civil and respectful relationship with her and your children, drop that attitude.

    It did not just happen. You did it. We're all human, we all make bad choices, but you need to own the very bad choices you've made recently, and not fall back on this star crossed teenage nonsense. You can't help the way you feel, you could most certainly have helped acting on those feelings and in the first instance getting yourself into the situation where they could have occurred without having made any prior effort to fix your relationship with your wife. A mealy mouthed admission of 'I know I've been a dickhead' doesn't get you off the hook, or mean that this is going to be any easier.


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    #55
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    She has taken a step back until I decide what I want. The guilt is killing her and she can't do it anymore. She has made it quite clear that she wants me to try, as she is not waiting around for me. If she is still there if/when that happens, then she is willing to give it a try. She wants my decision to have nothing to do with her...she doesn't want to be clouding my judgement, if that makes sense.

    Or she's getting cold feet / a reality check. While this mess sits firmly on your shoulders are you were going to have an affair sooner or later, she's hardly crowned herself in glory. She's the type of girl who has no respect for family and promises - ye are well matched.


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    #56
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.

    Ah come on now. Do you really think we are so thick that we believe this. It doesn't just happen but them maybe it does when you choose to join a dating site. Stop patronizing us. This is nothing but a cliche.


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    #57
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    I believe you have to be honest, but based on your attitude I don't think you will and you will continue to make bad choices until you get outed in the web of lies you create.
    If you tell your wife the truth, you can both make informed decisions - if you lie, you are allowing her to go through heartbreak, and emotions that she shouldn't. You are not being clear on what happened and after all the time you've spent together, does she deserve to be treated so badly? Just because your done...?!
    It's a shame that you can give up on your marriage so easily but you have and it's gone too far to brush under the rug. Coming clean is really the only way to conclude this chapter and for everyone involved (not just you!) to move onto the next...


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    #58
    PressRun
    Registered Users Posts: 3,138 ✭✭✭PressRun


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Yes, it's what I want, but ideally not to end it in those circumstances.

    So you want everything your own way? You orchestrate an affair apparently without making any attempt to save your marriage beforehand. Then you say you want to leave the marriage and be with this other woman, but you don't want anyone knowing you actually have an 'other woman'. Then you say you're willing to work on your marriage if your wife wants to, but you're not actually willing to be honest with her. There's a pattern here and it's all about you.

    You seem to be about self-preservation and not much else, tbh. And I think your new girlfriend maybe sees a bit of excitement in this relationship initially, which would explain why she got back in touch knowing you're a married man, but when the reality of being in a relationship with a divorced father of two kicks in, I wouldn't be counting on her to stick around, especially given the deceitful circumstances in which your relationship started.


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    #59
    Feel
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭Feel


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I might be a di**head, but I'm not that much of a one to do it that close to Xmas.

    It should be a decision together with your wife, how to handle Christmas for your children in this situation.


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    #60
    Keane2baMused
    Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    OP you have your head in the clouds.

    This DID NOT just happen. You went out of your way to make this happen whether you are willing to admit it or not.Your actions are cowardly and frankly despicable.

    You owe (yes owe!) your wife and children at the very least your honesty at this point.

    You've already done an enormous amount of damage (more than you can begin to imagine, trust me!). The grass is not always greener!! Every relationship is amazing in the beginning but you will have a major fall from grace when you see this next is no different and you let your family go for nothing.

    Man up and own up and let the chips fall where they may after that. Give your wife the respect of honesty from this point on if nothing else, she and your children deserve that.


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    #61
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Ye don't understand...we have talked about this over and over. neither of us wanted this..we can't help the way we feel. She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened. We have tried to walk away several times over the last few months, but we can't.

    We do understand.

    You joined a dating site.
    Started talking to someone.
    She found out the truth.

    She then CHOSE to run after a married man by contacting him again.
    You CHOSE to respond to her.

    You both CHOSE to meet, to have sex and then to start talking about love.

    Now you need to CHOOSE to do the right thing by the woman you originally chose to love and start a family with- either to leave or to want to fix things.

    Honestly you need to face facts and stop acting like a lovestruck teenager op, it's all been choices that you've made not some random act of fate.

    Turning to another point, with all your discussion about being so in love have you discussed how this relationship will cope with children and an ex-wife? I wonder how long the new woman will stick around when it's no longer romantic and exciting and your main financial obligation is to another woman.
    Plus most of your recreational time will be spent with your children leaving her out in the cold most of the time. Its very very hard work and takes a lot of compromise and understanding.....but I'm sure you've discussed all this op??


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