I cheated..

Dial Hard

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Firstly the OP did a horrible thing.

Calling him a coward may be correct, but if he decided to leave his wife he'd be homeless, its unlikely he'll keep the house, then he'll have to rent a place as well as keep a mortgage up on the family home. Which really isn't sustainable.

The financial burden on the party who leaves can be crimpling, so people should consider that too

I think it's the OP who should have considered that, before he decided to embark on an affair.

jamesieboy15

So many replies and so many opinions. Thanks everyone. I'm definitely not telling her about the affair. Going to have a chat and see how she feels. I'd be 90% sure that it's over...if not now, then in the near future. And maybe things will work out with the other girl. If not, that's a risk I have to take.

Ann84

Well OP, I'm not entirely sure what you really got from this thread as you don't seem to have taken even one bit of it on board and are ploughing on with your plan from post 1...
I honestly have in all my years on boards never read such completely selfish and single minded behaviour, it's really sad and I really have no idea why you bothered marriying your wife!
All I hope she sees who you for what you are and has the strength to give you a good flavour of what you deserve!

Best of luck!

Tasden

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

So many replies and so many opinions. Thanks everyone. I'm definitely not telling her about the affair. Going to have a chat and see how she feels. I'd be 90% sure that it's over...if not now, then in the near future. And maybe things will work out with the other girl. If not, that's a risk I have to take.

You were never going to consider telling her. You just wanted an easy out and justification to move on with this new girl.

You're almost hoping that your wife says no to working things out so that you make her be "the bad guy" and then you can move on and pretend your affair is a new relationship. Its awful. You're making a fool of your wife and ****ting all over any relationship the two of you had. An affair did that already but you're adding unbelievable insult to injury. It's so disrespectful and insulting to the woman you once loved who had your babies.

You and your mistress are being so insulting and disrespectful to your wife. You already betrayed her by having a full blown affair but you're being so deceitful and sly now too in the aftermath trying to worm your way out of your marriage and into a new relationship which you intend to begin in a full blown lie.

njs030

I really hope op that your wife finds out who you truly are and tells you to get out.
When your broke, living in a crappy little place because you can't afford better and all your spare time is caught up with the children you might remember all the reasons you married and chose to have children with her-and it'll be too late. I doubt your wife is going to allow you and your mistress to play happy families with the children anytime soon so you'll constantly be trying to divide your time between them....and a woman who is selfish enough to chase a married man isn't likely to take kindly to being left alone half the time.

The utter selfishness of a man cheating on, and talking of leaving his wife because she wasn't giving him enough attention while dealing with 2 young children actually makes me feel sick. Funny how there was no problems in the 4 years of your marriage preceeding the children....

zeffabelli

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

So many replies and so many opinions. Thanks everyone. I'm definitely not telling her about the affair. Going to have a chat and see how she feels. I'd be 90% sure that it's over...if not now, then in the near future. And maybe things will work out with the other girl. If not, that's a risk I have to take.

Im not sure how reflective of the reality your language is, but the cavalier attitude transmitted of the cataclysmic loss you are about to induce is chilling.

PressRun

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

So many replies and so many opinions. Thanks everyone. I'm definitely not telling her about the affair. Going to have a chat and see how she feels. I'd be 90% sure that it's over...if not now, then in the near future. And maybe things will work out with the other girl. If not, that's a risk I have to take.

Don't be surprised when both of those women see you for what you are, tbh.

Keane2baMused

I think your wife will be getting a lucky escape in the longrun by the sounds.

Try have some stones and tell her sooner rather than later eh?

LegacyUser

This post makes me so sad and cynical! Your wife, the once love of your life, the mother of your children cast aside for an updated version!

What happened to the people who stuck it out when times get a bit tough, when the kids are small and demanding, when money is short and you really need each other more than ever.

Will your new woman want children too or is she more appealing because she is independant and free now?

The posts on here recently about men and women cheating , being nasty and horrible, lying and lacking any integrity makes me feel like making a post for myself about how fxxked up people are!! Or maybe that's just me!!

OP, just dig deep and find your moral compass!! And while your digging there, find some compassion and integrity!

beks101

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

I just know that this is love...I've never felt this way about anyone ever. Unfortunately the kids are both young, and that's the killing point.

So you met this woman in the flesh in October, correct? Six weeks ago at most? And you've met a total of three times since, perhaps four? And you're "in love". Well for ya Jamesie. Off you go and ride off into the sunset together on your purple unicorns. I've a tin of beans in my kitchen older than this relationship. And probably more self-aware too.

You're not in love, you're a middle-aged married cliché on the verge of a mid-life crisis with itchy feet and a raging boner. And two young kids at home and a wife that you've made a mockery of from the moment you set up that 'fake' online profile.

Bully for you, you are the embodiment of The Cheating Married Man. Right down to the teenage 'love' babble. You've gotten laid with the first woman who would look in the direction of a desperate horny husband and she gave you the sex and the hand-holding and the gazing-into-each-other's-eyes that your marriage was missing, while your wife has been busy raising your infant children at a time when they need more raising and love and attention than ever.

Was she worth it? And will she want you when you're a poor part-time Dad in a cramped bedsit with no money to his name and maintenance and mortgage and rent bills instead of the secret sexy trysts and wine drinking and navel gazing and 'I love you' 'No I love YOU' conversations of the last month and a half?

Have that conversation with your wife. She knows something is up anyway, as your posts show you're not the brightest crayon in the pack. Don't mention the mistress, let her think your marriage problems are all her fault. Let her deal with that on top of the stress of raising two very young kids on her own. Go to marriage counselling while you continue to screw your mistress. Promise her you'll leave your wife for her eventually; never leave your wife because you don't have the balls to. Let your kids grow up in a crappy unhappy household full of bitterness and resentment. Ride that tired old cliche right to the bitter end.

beyondbelief67

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

If she turns around and says she wants to try, then of course I will. I will try my best, and if it works out, great. If it doesn't, then I can always say I tried.

I hope you won't do this, it only drags the pain out llonger for everyone.
When my ex found a new lady, I wish he had told me straight away, so we both could be happy, the marriage had been limping along for ages, but we were both afraid to say something, as then it would have to be sorted out and hurt.
But I finally found a message from her, and wow, yep arguing, crying, then numbness.
We agreed to try because of the children, big mistake, we should of just parted, he was missing her and resenting us, even the children, not intentionally, but he just didn't want to be the're, eventually he left, and even a ten year old said that the house felt better like a dark cloud had gone.
The atmosphere was so much better, so please, don't stay when you don't want to be there you both deserve to be happy, oh and don't try lying to your wife or others that you met after you broke up as the truth will come out eventually.

CarrickMcJoe

Is it possible your loyal wife became so distant because she suspected that you were having an affair? She must have copped something was going on when you were stuck on a computer instead as doing what all doting dads do with their newborns.

A_Sober_Paddy

Dial Hard wrote: »

I think it's the OP who should have considered that, before he decided to embark on an affair.

So break up and have the same financial situation?

LegacyUser

OP,
I feel compelled to add my 2 cents to this even though you sound like your mind is already made up. I was you 3 years ago, 36 married 8 years with 3 young kids. My now ex wife had just given birth to our youngest child and our sex life was non existent when I met my current partner on a night out with the lads. I went home with her that night and began an affair that made my heart race and my head spin. I honestly believed I'd met the love of my life and my wife had just been a practice marriage if you will. Id never felt like that about anyone and thought this was fate. After many months of creeping around, I left my wife and moved in with my now partner. Let me explain clearly the mess that ensued and is still ongoing and what you are about to draw on yourself if you leave. I stupidly admitted all to my wife, she went absolutely crazy, had terrible problems accessing my children for months afterwards, got the **** raped out of my wages in court, lost my house to her until my kids are grown. My partner who I believed to be the love of my life (I'm not so sure any more!) is extremely jealous of my children and any time or money spent on them. She turns from a calm loving person into a vile vindictive jealous bitch where they're concerned and I honestly wouldn't trust her alone with them. The crazy sex and all those heady feelings of love are long gone. And guess what OP, she's now 6 months pregnant and my life with her now mirrors my life with my ex wife. Only this time I've another house and kids to pay for too and an ex that makes my life hell. Karma eh! Think long and hard OP, you don't want my life believe me. And before anyone condemns me I know I've done wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy, I ****ed up royally and I'll pay the price for the rest of my life. As will my poor children. Im just trying to stop someone else from making the same sorry mistake. Good luck with whatever decision you make OP

fima

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

You underestimate your children OP. My child is nearly 2. If his daddy was no longer a daily constant in his life it would have a profound affect on him.

Ant695

The one thing that stands out to me reading this thread is all the lies now about the new woman etc.... to his wife and kids.

And then the new start with the other woman is going to be another web of lies and deceit trying to pretend it's a new relationship means never talking about anything that happened prior to the end of the marriage and also as they're already madly in love pretending that isn't the case because people would be suspicious if that was the case if it's a new relationship.

Basically more lies on top of the current crop and at the end of the day lies are toxic and will put a strain on any new relationship having to lie to friends and family etc...

New lies to cover old lies will only create new problems.

njs030

fima wrote: »

You underestimate your children OP. My child is nearly 2. If his daddy was no longer a daily constant in his life it would have a profound affect on him.

To be fair to the op on this point the younger the children the easier it will be. Yes it will be hard at first but young children forget quickly, within a year it'll all be normal to them.

While the op has behaved disgracefully I think it's very unfair to paint him as a bad father or say his children will act a certain way. His relationship with his wife is the one in question not the one with his children.

Though I still think he's a selfish piece of work!!

LegacyUser

Unless your wife is an absolute idiot she suspects something is going on. She may not want to say it out loud for fear of what she'll hear, but she knows. Your behaviour would have suddenly changed. You said you were texting and messaging constantly. Have you been more guarded with your phone? More secretive with the computer? Getting yourself all done up to go out to 'meet the lads'? Your wife suspects something. And ending the marriage with her, and then pretending to start a new relationship won't work. How long are you going to wait? A week? A month? 6 months? 2 years? How long does it take someone to get over their marriage breakup and the separation from their children? How long before someone feels in a strong enough emotional place to start a new relationship while still dealing with the emotional fall out of a separation, maintenance and access agreements? When are you going to introduce your new gf to your children?

Don't fool yourself, and please don't lie to your wife. Because she WILL ask you. You might think you are sparing her feelings but believe me I've been there. The lie is always worse than the truth. She already knows. She's doubting herself, questioning herself. You telling her lies on top of lies is only going to destroy her.

So you weren't happy in your marriage, fair enough. Do you think your wife was happy? Sounds like she's busy with 2 very young children while you're off enjoying your new love. Marriage and life and small children are tough.. But isn't it well for you that you had the time to pursue this distraction. I'd be interested to know how much time your wife would have had to go out and enjoy herself. Would it not have crossed your mind instead of looking for someone new to go out and kiss and have sex with that you and your wife might go out together occasionally? Get to spend time away from the stresses of life and home and children and just be happy together?

Do what you have to do with regards ending your marriage. If your wife doesn't ask, maybe you don't have to tell. But if she does ask, at least allow her the small bit of dignity of the truth. If she asks, she knows. Lying to her will just be insulting her intelligence further. You've been making a fool of her for a while now. Don't continue to.

Tasden

notjustsweet wrote: »

To be fair to the op on this point the younger the children the easier it will be. Yes it will be hard at first but young children forget quickly, within a year it'll all be normal to them.

While the op has behaved disgracefully I think it's very unfair to paint him as a bad father or say his children will act a certain way. His relationship with his wife is the one in question not the one with his children.

Though I still think he's a selfish piece of work!!

Spot on. Better to be from a broken home than in one. If the op is living with his wife and resenting her because he cannot be with "the woman he loves" then that is a hostile situation where nobody is happy, least of all the child who will pick up on the tension. Living separately does not mean he won't be playing a role in the child's life. And it's up to him and his wife to decide on that aspect together when the time comes.

robertpatterson

I'll probably be flamed for this but what the hell
This story is nearly identical to what happened to a fella in work except he didn't just have the one girl he had a few on the go
Long story short he decided to do the 'honourable' thing and leave his wife and children to be with other women
He's now living in a bedsit in town broke and sees his children one weekend every two weeks as she had a solicitor when they had agreed to try to behave amicably so the judge sided heavily in her favour
He worse off after coming clean ,if it was me after looking at his experience I'd say nothing ,have separate beds but be there for the kids
You only have to look at other topics in this forum to see that there are plenty of marriages that don't include sex and they still manage to both live their lives whether there's children involved or not
It's not ideal but with the way the family courts seem to be run in this country it's a case of protect yourself and don't be naive or you too might be living in a bedsit eating a meal for one !

Chocolate girl

robertpatterson wrote: »

I'll probably be flamed for this but what the hell
This story is nearly identical to what happened to a fella in work except he didn't just have the one girl he had a few on the go
Long story short he decided to do the 'honourable' thing and leave his wife and children to be with other women
He's now living in a bedsit in town broke and sees his children one weekend every two weeks as she had a solicitor when they had agreed to try to behave amicably so the judge sided heavily in her favour
He worse off after coming clean ,if it was me after looking at his experience I'd say nothing ,have separate beds but be there for the kids
You only have to look at other topics in this forum to see that there are plenty of marriages that don't include sex and they still manage to both live their lives whether there's children involved or not
It's not ideal but with the way the family courts seem to be run in this country it's a case of protect yourself and don't be naive or you too might be living in a bedsit eating a meal for one !

So he's done wrong but he should say nothing and live a lie just so he can stay in the house? What about his wife does she not deserve better?

Keane2baMused

Been there, done that wrote: »

OP,
I feel compelled to add my 2 cents to this even though you sound like your mind is already made up. I was you 3 years ago, 36 married 8 years with 3 young kids. My now ex wife had just given birth to our youngest child and our sex life was non existent when I met my current partner on a night out with the lads. I went home with her that night and began an affair that made my heart race and my head spin. I honestly believed I'd met the love of my life and my wife had just been a practice marriage if you will. Id never felt like that about anyone and thought this was fate. After many months of creeping around, I left my wife and moved in with my now partner. Let me explain clearly the mess that ensued and is still ongoing and what you are about to draw on yourself if you leave. I stupidly admitted all to my wife, she went absolutely crazy, had terrible problems accessing my children for months afterwards, got the **** raped out of my wages in court, lost my house to her until my kids are grown. My partner who I believed to be the love of my life (I'm not so sure any more!) is extremely jealous of my children and any time or money spent on them. She turns from a calm loving person into a vile vindictive jealous bitch where they're concerned and I honestly wouldn't trust her alone with them. The crazy sex and all those heady feelings of love are long gone. And guess what OP, she's now 6 months pregnant and my life with her now mirrors my life with my ex wife. Only this time I've another house and kids to pay for too and an ex that makes my life hell. Karma eh! Think long and hard OP, you don't want my life believe me. And before anyone condemns me I know I've done wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy, I ****ed up royally and I'll pay the price for the rest of my life. As will my poor children. Im just trying to stop someone else from making the same sorry mistake. Good luck with whatever decision you make OP

OP you need to seriously consider what this guy has just told you of the potential consequences.

Or ignore them and continue living in a fantasy world.

I suspect it will be the latter but cest la vie!

robertpatterson

Chocolate girl wrote: »

So he's done wrong but he should say nothing and live a lie just so he can stay in the house? What about his wife does she not deserve better?

Better than what exactly ?
If its over its over he has to think about what's best for him
It's not palatable but he's in the position he's in and now he has to try to negotiate his way through it.
Sounds like the marriage is all but over anyway just neither of them have admitted as much
If it was me ( and its not thank God ) I'd say nothing and keep on keeping on
Alternatively he can fess up and lose everything for the rest if his days

Sound Bite

The post by "been there, done that" really sums it up and the really sad part is its so predictable and could so easily be avoided if people communicated with their spouses when difficulties arise & try to fix things rather than looking for the ride and an ego boast elsewhere.

Sweeping generalisation but you can nearly predict it every time:

Aged 35-45
Min 2 kids, usually under 5
Common complaints include 'I'm bored', 'Sexless has decreased/gone' & 'we do nothing together anymore' etc
New lady is always younger, always stunning (apparently!), the man has never felt like this before, feels so natural and electricity and spark are nearly always mentioned.
'It just happened' is another one.
Post will contain nothing good about the wife (occasionally might say she's a good mother but nothing else positive)
Only concerns are themselves, seeing the kids, financial matters and trying not to look like the bad guy.

Everyone but the man involved can see it for what it really is and they'd be laughing at the naivety if it was so sad and pathetic.

LegacyUser

robertpatterson wrote: »

You only have to look at other topics in this forum to see that there are plenty of marriages that don't include sex and they still manage to both live their lives whether there's children involved or not
It's not ideal but with the way the family courts seem to be run in this country it's a case of protect yourself and don't be naive or you too might be living in a bedsit eating a meal for one !

And you think his wife will be willing to just go along with this? We only have his side of the story so we don't know what her view is - she may well want sex but the OP is no longer interested as he's got the 'new love of his life', she may want to try and fix her marriage but the OP's attiude here shows he's not going to really try as he wants to move on to this new woman. The OP can't just annouce to his wife that he's moving into the spare room and their going to live like friends raising their kids....why exactly would she agree to that?

Chocolate girl

robertpatterson wrote: »

Better than what exactly ?
If its over its over he has to think about what's best for him
It's not palatable but he's in the position he's in and now he has to try to negotiate his way through it.
Sounds like the marriage is all but over anyway just neither of them have admitted as much
If it was me ( and its not thank God ) I'd say nothing and keep on keeping on
Alternatively he can fess up and lose everything for the rest if his days

Well at the moment her husband had sex with someone else surely she doesn't deserve that. He's already thinking of himself by having this other woman. She deserves not to be living with a liar and a cheat. If it's over he should move on and let her start a new life too.

LegacyUser

Jamsieboy you're a selfish immature 'man'. I thought at the start this had to be a wind up, it's such a cliche. I doubt very much your wife thinks your marriage is over. I'd say like most of us with infants and small children etc her days are busy and tiring and she thinks pressure will lessen as they grow. I would assume your marriage problems started in your head the same time you started flirting with other women. You're going to actually leave your family for a woman you've known for no length of time. You're nuts and when you crawl back to your wife begging for another chance, I hope she tells you to get lost.
It's a fact that most men will not walk out on a wife and infants unless they have another woman lined up. If your wife doesn't conclude that immediately, she will later.
So will others, they may not say it to your face but they know.
You are my worst nightmare of a man, when things get tough, you're going to bail for a single responsibility free new model.
Of course things are exciting with your new woman but it's the secrecy that's feeding the excitement, when you get a dose of reality with that secrecy ending, that'll soon disappear. You appear to have no comprehension of the ****storm that's going to unfold.
I feel for your wife, tell her the truth when you leave if you have any decency.

amdublin

Been there, done that wrote: »

OP,
I feel compelled to add my 2 cents to this even though you sound like your mind is already made up. I was you 3 years ago, 36 married 8 years with 3 young kids. My now ex wife had just given birth to our youngest child and our sex life was non existent when I met my current partner on a night out with the lads. I went home with her that night and began an affair that made my heart race and my head spin. I honestly believed I'd met the love of my life and my wife had just been a practice marriage if you will. Id never felt like that about anyone and thought this was fate. After many months of creeping around, I left my wife and moved in with my now partner. Let me explain clearly the mess that ensued and is still ongoing and what you are about to draw on yourself if you leave. I stupidly admitted all to my wife, she went absolutely crazy, had terrible problems accessing my children for months afterwards, got the **** raped out of my wages in court, lost my house to her until my kids are grown. My partner who I believed to be the love of my life (I'm not so sure any more!) is extremely jealous of my children and any time or money spent on them. She turns from a calm loving person into a vile vindictive jealous bitch where they're concerned and I honestly wouldn't trust her alone with them. The crazy sex and all those heady feelings of love are long gone. And guess what OP, she's now 6 months pregnant and my life with her now mirrors my life with my ex wife. Only this time I've another house and kids to pay for too and an ex that makes my life hell. Karma eh! Think long and hard OP, you don't want my life believe me. And before anyone condemns me I know I've done wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy, I ****ed up royally and I'll pay the price for the rest of my life. As will my poor children. Im just trying to stop someone else from making the same sorry mistake. Good luck with whatever decision you make OP

Read this. Over and over. Especially the second half.

Read again

Best of luck to you.

Neyite

OP, you know the way you see a disaster waiting to happen? That's how I felt reading your thread. We can all see how this is going to go for you. You'll leave your wife, you'll try to make her feel partially responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, you'll have a hot and heady romance with your bit on the side for a few months. And as long as the wife never finds out about yer wan, all is good.

You are hellbent on this, so I wish you all the best, and hope that even if you choose to not tell your wife about your affair, that you break up with her cleanly, fairly and respectfully. Playing with her emotions or going through the motions of counselling when your mind is made up, or screwing her over financially will turn you from being an ordinary bloke who happened to cheat, into one of the biggest bastards you've ever known.

So please do the decent thing for your family and your wife. Leave quickly and leave her in no doubt that you no longer love her or that you have any hopes for the marriage. It will be brutal for her at first, but she will be ok. If you dont and delude her, its just beyond cruel to do that to a woman who stood up in front of friends and family and proclaimed her love for you.

zeffabelli

What really confuses me is if I were this girl, I would be watching your duplicty, how cavalierly you can lie, deceive and ruin your family, with such ease of conscience, how can she possibly trust you?

Just wait till the fire blows her way.

She will never trust you, the insecurity and suspicion is now in built, it's the price of admission, and it is will make this relationship crash and burn too.