suicide affects on family

lennyloulou · 24-11-2015 11:02PM

I buried my gorgeas husband of 34yrs just nine months ago.
We were married just over three years.
The night before we were booking an Easter get away on the net over a glass of wine by the fire.
Both of us working, enjoying life and loving each other without doubt.
He hung himself in the shed while I was in town the following day.
I never saw it coming and will never forget the weakness that went through me when I was told the news.
I never saw it coming.
I still can't believe he is gone.
I held him in my arms on the floor of the shed before he eventually was taken to the morgue. The look of regret and fear in his eyes was haunting.
He did not mean to do it-that was plain to see in his stricken face.
I wrapped him up in a cream fleece blanket that we had just bought in Penny's the week before and told him I loved him. I still do.
Counselling, coffees with friends, alternative therapies, yoga ... Yep I try them all but no one can feel or carry the pain I carry. It is so lonely and heavy.
Being in hell would be easier than having this cross of pain and heartache.

Tarzana2 · 25-11-2015 12:18AM

I am so sorry, lennyloulou. x

wakka12 · 25-11-2015 12:25AM

I hate the way people guilt suicidal people into not killing themselves, just so they wont hurt their family. It'll just make things even worse. But I know of several people who have had family members commit suicide and to say its devastating would be an understatement, particularly when its the son or daughter . It ruins the families lives forever, until the day they die . They will think about it every day for the rest of their life, they don't move past it. They only learn to cope with the burden of guilt.

Stheno · 25-11-2015 12:26AM

lennyloulou wrote: »

I buried my gorgeas husband of 34yrs just nine months ago.
We were married just over three years.
The night before we were booking an Easter get away on the net over a glass of wine by the fire.
Both of us working, enjoying life and loving each other without doubt.
He hung himself in the shed while I was in town the following day.
I never saw it coming and will never forget the weakness that went through me when I was told the news.
I never saw it coming.
I still can't believe he is gone.
I held him in my arms on the floor of the shed before he eventually was taken to the morgue. The look of regret and fear in his eyes was haunting.
He did not mean to do it-that was plain to see in his stricken face.
I wrapped him up in a cream fleece blanket that we had just bought in Penny's the week before and told him I loved him. I still do.
Counselling, coffees with friends, alternative therapies, yoga ... Yep I try them all but no one can feel or carry the pain I carry. It is so lonely and heavy.
Being in hell would be easier than having this cross of pain and heartache.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, I hope you find the support to get you through this.

My sister tried to commit suicide when she was 17

It's left a lasting mark on our family in that we try to make sure we mind her as much as possible

She's now a very loving parent to a little one yet the memory of that time hangs over us.

I've lost count of the amount of friends and colleagues that have died by suicide over the years.

As a young kid (about seven) my mother sent me down to the credit union to do a lodgement. On the way I found a man in a van who had slit his wrists and ran to the credit union to get him help.

I spent years as a small child thinking that he hated me as I stopped him killing himself.

wakka12 · 25-11-2015 12:31AM

lennyloulou wrote: »

I buried my gorgeas husband of 34yrs just nine months ago.
We were married just over three years.
The night before we were booking an Easter get away on the net over a glass of wine by the fire.
Both of us working, enjoying life and loving each other without doubt.
He hung himself in the shed while I was in town the following day.
I never saw it coming and will never forget the weakness that went through me when I was told the news.
I never saw it coming.
I still can't believe he is gone.
I held him in my arms on the floor of the shed before he eventually was taken to the morgue. The look of regret and fear in his eyes was haunting.
He did not mean to do it-that was plain to see in his stricken face.
I wrapped him up in a cream fleece blanket that we had just bought in Penny's the week before and told him I loved him. I still do.
Counselling, coffees with friends, alternative therapies, yoga ... Yep I try them all but no one can feel or carry the pain I carry. It is so lonely and heavy.
Being in hell would be easier than having this cross of pain and heartache.

That is absolutely heartbreaking, I wish I could help you

Im so incredibly sorry

Micky Dolenz · 25-11-2015 12:35AM

It really is impossible to ever truly know what another is thinking, even those closest to you. Guilt can be a very destructive emotion.

It's good to talk.

NachoBusiness · 25-11-2015 12:37AM

My Dad's brother took his life and I heard him getting the news over the phone. It broke him into smithereens and he died not long after of cancer. I know that nobody can ever say what caused someone to develop it but I think what happened took so much out of him that his body was at the very least, more susceptible.

I don't hold any animosity towards my Uncle. Wish he hadn't done it for selfish reasons I guess but sure what do I know about his level of torment.

I'm from a town in North Dublin and at least a dozen lads I knew growing up took their lives. At the very least and it's not that big of a town.

Personally I don't think suicide itself can be tackled directly, as almost every one of the cases I have known, all had very specific reasons. I for example nearly took my life many times due to severe physical illness where I could bear another second of how hard it was to live after an accident. One young lad I know who was 18 panicked after a party he through resulted in his parent's house getting wrecked while they were on holiday and out of fear of facing the, he hung himself. Another lad I know was so closed to his Dad that he couldn't bear life without him.

Another few are relationship issues. Chap I grew up with was stressed regarding mortgage / maintenance payments after a divorce and so there really are a hundred and one reasons why someone might incorrectly think they would be better off dead or that others might be better off without them. Tackling each individual issue, however that could possibly be achieved, imo, and making sure that if someone finds themselves within it, they have support and that they system will be fair to them, and / or support them, can really be the only genuine way of attempting to bring the numbers of suicide down.

rawn · 25-11-2015 12:43AM

A friend of my younger sister committed suicide about 2 years ago, they were all around 18/19 at the time. I have to say it almost makes you mad at the dead person when you see the mess they leave behind. His poor mother is like a zombie. His brother ran off to England because he couldn't cope and hasn't been back since. His best friend has PTSD (he found the body, and was left with it for a full hour or two before anyone arrived). My sister's entire circle of friends are distraught and broken even now, mostly cos of feelings of guilt as they had been out with him the night before and "didn't see" any signs. He left no note, no explanation, no goodbyes. The best they could deduce was a fight he had over the phone to his gf, who claims it was over something silly. I know it's quite controversial to say but I feel so ANGRY at him when I see how he has destroyed so many people's lives by taking the "easy" way out, without even a goodbye note to answer questions. It's incredibly selfish.

Just to be clear, I have depression and have certainly thought about suicide over the years. I am not saying my feelings towards this particular situation apply to all suicides. It's always a confusing and murky subject

Stheno · 25-11-2015 12:52AM

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

It really is impossible to ever truly know what another is thinking, even those closest to you. Guilt can be a very destructive emotion.

It's good to talk.

Do you know, never a truer word was spoken.
Was on the phone to a colleague late enough tonight and we were talking about the challenges of our roles as we are consultants and how it affects our lives, and honest to god, it made the world of difference to me, I'm mentally tired at the moment, and thinking of moving job, but just being able to chat to someone with the same perspective made me rethink and focus on what's good about it.

It was so good to talk to someone who knows the ins and outs and just walk through it, they had the same issues. That conversation tonight meant the world to me.

Talk people, don't be afraid to say you worry, feel challenged, or scared, admitting it an awful lot of the time means people will be with you

Mountainsandh · 25-11-2015 01:04AM

Joshua5 wrote: »

Has anyone ever had a father, brother, son commit suicide and what was the after affects? I hear some people resent those who resort to it and I was just wondering if anyone had any experiences to share.

My father, 18 years ago, I was 23.
We're all still messed up about it, although he'd talked about it often, how he thought it was for the best... left a note to that effect.

I'm still seething about it, even though I was old enough to understand his reasoning. I've lots of unresolved anger and probably grieving issues, my siblings too, still to this day, we don't quite know how to feel about it.

He had been very seriously depressed most of his adult life, had tried lots of treatments, hospital stays, ... we felt there was more to try. He didn't.

It's hard to know if it was the meds (or drop from an umpteenth decision to quit them) or if it was really him making the decision.

It sorted some immediate problems within our family, but it created new ones, that are with us for the rest of our lives.

So yes, I resent him.

There's always hope. Maybe the person who's taking their own life can't see it, but the family can (despite things that might be said) and so when it actually happens, it's harrowing for those that are left behind.

It won't be long now till I'm the age he died. I feel there's so much more to live, he missed so much.

I don't think there's a way to do it that won't mess up family and friends.

Thirteenth Step · 26-11-2015 10:25PM

Never had a close family member that's committed suicide but I have had quite a few close friends that have and for myself it's been very difficult. I've been left wondering what and if there was anything I could have done to help and there's a few that I feel that there was. I've found the bodies of two people (one a very close friend) who committed by a shotgun blast to the head and even as a vet who served three tours in the middle east they are images that will never leave my mind. I also stayed online with a friend who meant a great deal to me as she died from OD, powerless to help which will also always haunt me. What I can say is that my great uncle (grandfather's brother) committed with a shotgun also and even at almost 90 yrs old my grandfather still struggles to cope with it.

Cmar-Ireland · 27-11-2015 10:59PM

My father did it 20 years ago.

I'm married now with a 6 month old daughter and sorely wish that we could have Dad here to see her.

To me that's the toughest aspect to deal with. Over the years the grief eased, but our wedding, birth of our daughter and other life milestones brought back the memories.

His depression at the time wasn't noticed, by me anyway, but in hindsight it was there. Maybe because I too suffer from it I can see it now.

Last year I found a man who had hung himself. That was tough. But 10 years before that my brother and I found a man who had overdosed and managed to get paramedics to him in time.

I don't have any feelings of resentment for my Dad, then or now. I just wish I could have spotted it or that he could have talked to me.

dreamers75 · 27-11-2015 11:06PM

I know way too many people who have did this, its horrific the damage it does to famillies.

I would say it destroys families as everyone feels guilty and guilt leads to anger at others and some will not want to see brothers and sisters as it reminds them of the lost person.

corner of hells · 27-11-2015 11:13PM

There is some pretty useful training available for anyone , Safetalk is available
to anyone , its designed to give you a very basic awareness around being alert to someone at possible risk of suicide.

ASIST is the next training level up from Safetalk , social care staff , teachers Garda , youth workers are trained in this method. The good thing about this is as far as I know its HSE delivered over two days . Its free but big in demand , you must complete Safetalk first.

They are both quite raw and graphic to a point , but are open to anyone.

questionmark? · 27-11-2015 11:30PM

Suicide rips people apart. A close friend of mine did it, it devastated our circle of friends and espicially his family. A note was left, which his mother allowed us to see. Even seen his words still doesn't make sense. It's horrible to think that as close as our group was he didn't think he could talk to us. Over the past year we have all opened up too each other and realise that we all have issues. We have told each other things we would never have said before because we realise these things need to be said. We are closer than ever. Till the day I die, hopefully in old age, I will never forget our friend.

To the poster who wrote about their husband. My god my heart goes out to you. To even write what you said is so brave. I wish you well in your life.

L.Jenkins · 27-11-2015 11:39PM

This is a difficult subject for anyone to discuss and maybe more prevalent given the time of year that's in it. My wife has been affected it by it directly, having lost her Uncle to suicide and I've been on the brink of it myself.

http://console.ie/ or 1800 247 247
http://www.samaritans.org/ or 116 123

suicide affects on family

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