suicide affects on family

Joshua5

Has anyone ever had a father, brother, son commit suicide and what was the after affects? I hear some people resent those who resort to it and I was just wondering if anyone had any experiences to share.

gutenberg

Grandfather committed suicide a few years ago. I think in many respects my aunts and uncles are not over it at all, and it has also torn apart the family as there were rows in the aftermath about what to do with things like his house, car etc.- rows that were fueled by people's feelings of guilt and loss I think, rather than the possessions themselves. Some of my aunts still don't speak to each other or see each other to this day.

Joshua5

gutenberg wrote: »

there were rows in the aftermath about what to do with things like his house, car etc.- rows that were fueled by people's feelings of guilt and loss I think, rather than the possessions themselves.

Rows about possessions would be like vultures on a carcass in my opinion. But I would have thought maybe people considering suicide would make a will?? Although I must be wrong.

Menas

Joshua5 wrote: »

Rows about possessions would be like vultures on a carcass in my opinion. But I would have thought maybe people considering suicide would make a will?? Although I must be wrong.

In fairness, many people who commit suicide are not thinking clearly enough to think of such things.

Joshua5

Menas wrote: »

In fairness, many people who commit suicide are not thinking clearly enough to think of such things.

I'm not sure about that, some people might just decide that they no longer want to live with a broken heart and plan their exit?

gutenberg

Joshua5 wrote: »

Rows about possessions would be like vultures on a carcass in my opinion. But I would have thought maybe people considering suicide would make a will?? Although I must be wrong.

He did make a will. The 'problem' was that he left everything to my grandmother, who was then in a nursing home with very severe Alzheimers (something that undoubtedly contributed to his suicide), and of course she was in no position to be deciding about the house, car etc. Two of the siblings had power of attorney over these things, but the issue was that they all disagreed with each other about what was best to do. One of the sisters, who didn't have power of attorney, thought she ought to have a bigger say because she was the one (she felt) doing a lot of the legwork with my grandmother, and had also been looking after my grandfather a good deal before he died. Basically a lot of tensions just exploded to the surface.

Joshua5

With those issues aside, I wonder if you just wanted out and to leave nobody upset could you do so. Like organize your own funeral, pay for it and leave just good memories. I wonder if it's possible to do it letting people know you wanted to do it because you wanted to check out the other side and nothing else.

gutenberg

Joshua5 wrote: »

With those issues aside, I wonder if you just wanted out and to leave nobody upset could you do so. Like organize your own funeral, pay for it and leave just good memories. I wonder if it's possible to do it letting people know you wanted to do it because you wanted to check out the other side and nothing else.

I don't think it's possible to leave nobody upset, tbh. Even if you did things like plan your own funeral etc., people will still be upset firstly that the person is no longer around and living amongst them. Second is the feeling of abandonment, that the person just decided it wasn't worth living in this world anymore - that also implies a desire not to live with the people you know anymore, including family. Now, of course the person committing suicide might not see it that way but the people left behind almost invariably do, and it's upsetting to know the dead person had those kinds of thoughts.

Tilly

Joshua5 wrote: »

With those issues aside, I wonder if you just wanted out and to leave nobody upset could you do so. Like organize your own funeral, pay for it and leave just good memories. I wonder if it's possible to do it letting people know you wanted to do it because you wanted to check out the other side and nothing else.

This isnt possible. No matter what good memories you think you've left. The ones left behind will always feel guilt and sadness that they couldnt help you. And how they didnt see it coming.

Magico Gonzalez

You sound like you need to talk to someone, if this "hypothetical" scenario at all relates to you, please get help. Call someone.

FalconGirl

It leaves awful mental trauma on those left behind. Questions and replaying scenarios. I know as my Dad did it a few months ago.

Possesions etc mean f**k all tbh. Were heartbroken as a family and friends as he was loved by all and would give anything to have him back. The man never realised, I could never be angry with him over what happened.

Im undergoing counselling trying to move on. Also loads of people out there willing to help. It's amazing how much of a burden can ease after a chat.

Mightydrumming

My father resorted to suicide a couple of years back, still raw to this day and leaves a long trail of guilt and sadness.

A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Joshua5

Apologies if I had upset anyone with the topic. Not intended to drag up raw emotions of those who have gone through it.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Joshua5 wrote: »

With those issues aside, I wonder if you just wanted out and to leave nobody upset could you do so. Like organize your own funeral, pay for it and leave just good memories. I wonder if it's possible to do it letting people know you wanted to do it because you wanted to check out the other side and nothing else.

I'm sorry, bit are you just curious or have you experience? Your view seems insensitive and removed from the reality of what people go through that leads to their suicide.

Suicide has a deep lasting affect on family and friends.

FalconGirl

Joshua5 wrote: »

Apologies if I had upset anyone with the topic. Not intended to drag up raw emotions of those who have gone through it.

No shame in discussing this topic. It's important to talk about and try to understand a very complex issue. Society is advancing in that regard but still has a long way to go. :-)

Joshua5

Alaia Nice Anger wrote: »

I'm sorry, bit are you just curious or have you experience? Your view seems insensitive and removed from the reality of what people go through that leads to their suicide.

Suicide has a deep lasting affect on family and friends.

Actually I believe many people have committed suicide believing they where going to a better place.

Rubberchikken

a person who is willing and able to die bu suicide is not thinking clearly. they may think they're helping those left behind by organising their own funeral, by saying goodbye/writing letters/etc, by even giving very serious thought to how and where and when their body will be recovered.
but none of this will ease the heartbreak and grief that those left behind will feel.
with the best will in the world, how could it? people close to someone suicidal would prefer if the person could admit it. i realise there are times they can't, but if they could only realise how much they mean to others, how important their presence is to others and how much emptier the world would be without them, then maybe they'd be able to stop and ask for help.
it's such a sad thing to happen to anyone.

eviltwin

Lost a cousin and best friend to suicide and I have no resentment towards either of them just sadness and guilt that we couldn't help and that we didn't see the danger signs. It was devastating to both families. Losing someone you love is hard enough but when it's by their own hand it's particularly hard.

gutenberg

Joshua5 wrote: »

Actually I believe many people have committed suicide believing they where going to a better place.

I don't know if I agree with this. I think many suicidal people just want their pain and suffering to end - to enter into an oblivion, rather than a 'better place'. At least, that is the impression I get from reading accounts of people who survived suicide attempts, but of course it will be different for each person.

bridgettedon

Joshua5 wrote: »

Actually I believe many people have committed suicide believing they where going to a better place.

I think some people commit suicide because this life is just too hard. It may be to escape the constant depression and anxiety that has overtaken their life. I have depression and anxiety. I can see both sides of the spectrum. A distant relative of mine died through suicide. It was quite a violent death. It takes time to come to terms with the manner in how they died. There's the fact they have died and the fact that they chose to die. You just wish that it didn't happen., that they came and talked to you. There is still stigma attached to mental illness. Maybe if that relative knew that others like myself were going through issues then they wouldn't have felt so alone. I know the lows that mental illness can go. I would never have really seriously considered suicide an option. Although I do remember I used go for walks along a river with my dog when I was at my worst and I would think just how easy it would be to walk in and not come out.

whatismyname

gutenberg wrote: »

Second is the feeling of abandonment, that the person just decided it wasn't worth living in this world anymore - that also implies a desire not to live with the people you know anymore, including family.

This can be implied, yes, but often the opposite is very much the case, both in terms of deciding it wasn't worth living in this world anymore, and a desire not to live with the people you know anymore.

A key message in suicide prevention training is that for most people who are suicidal it's not about no longer wanting to live - but finding a way to end their pain and difficulties. And they can maybe see no other way other than through suicide.

In many cases, the suicidal person can be completely torn apart by what it will do to those left behind. But the pain and difficulties get too much and they can't take it anymore.

But although it can very naturally seem and feel that the person decided it wasn't worth living in this world anymore / and that they had a desire not to live with the person they know anymore, the reality of what lies behind suicide is often very, very different.

Joshua5

Joshua5 wrote: »

Has anyone ever had a father, brother, son commit suicide and what was the after affects? I hear some people resent those who resort to it and I was just wondering if anyone had any experiences to share.

I was 3 when my mother committed suicide. I was around 21 before I really came to terms with it all. It was a long journey. I still don't really understand it all, I've come to conclusion that I never will. I wish she died in a car crash. There's less of a mind **** dealing with that. I blamed myself as a child for a while (I wish I could shake some sense into that child). Each family member seems to be affected in different ways. My dad is a hero for managing to keep it all together and raise a family of four children. I get miserable every Christmas as she did it right before then. I can't avoid it. I could be surrounded by friends yet feel completely alone when the day comes around. Its weird. I get these pangs in my chest. At least I know to expect it now that I'm older.

So yeah I resented her for years. Resented what she did to everyone. But whats the point of resenting anyone? Now I've learnt to not hold onto anger. It serves no one.

gutenberg

whatismyname wrote: »

This can be implied, yes, but often the opposite is very much the case, both in terms of deciding it wasn't worth living in this world anymore, and a desire not to live with the people you know anymore.

A key message in suicide prevention training is that for most people who are suicidal it's not about no longer wanting to live - but finding a way to end their pain and difficulties. And they can maybe see no other way other than through suicide.

In many cases, the suicidal person can be completely torn apart by what it will do to those left behind. But the pain and difficulties get too much and they can't take it anymore.

But although it can very naturally seem and feel that the person decided it wasn't worth living in this world anymore / and that they had a desire not to live with the person they know anymore, the reality of what lies behind suicide is often very, very different.

You're totally right. I think I phrased it poorly - I was thinking of terms of a suicidal person not wanting to 'inflict' themselves on those around them anymore, and seeking a way to end their suffering.
When I discussed abandonment, I was seeing it from the perspective of the family left behind: they can see it as a person not wanting to be on this earth anymore, including the people on it, if that makes sense?

haveringchick

Partyjungle what a terrible experience for you
Your mother loved you all unbearably
She loves you right now
She couldn't find her way out of the black hole
I hope as the Christmases go by you can find the peace in your heart that she has found in hers
Life is wonderful

whatismyname

gutenberg wrote: »

You're totally right. I think I phrased it poorly - I was thinking of terms of a suicidal person not wanting to 'inflict' themselves on those around them anymore, and seeking a way to end their suffering.
When I discussed abandonment, I was seeing it from the perspective of the family left behind: they can see it as a person not wanting to be on this earth anymore, including the people on it, if that makes sense?

Yep I definitely get that the family can see it like that afterwards. Totally.

Hence more and more important that we get more education and awareness that that is not necessarily always the case.

So many people who take their own life do desperately want to live, and the last thing many of them would ever want to do is put anyone through that kind of pain. There's often the assumption also that the person who ended their own life felt they were a burden or that people would be better off without them, but this is often the case .

More education and awareness raising on so many aspects of it so very important.

Tarzana2

A lad I knew pretty well from school, a few years older than me, committed suicide a few weeks ago. Lovely, really gentle guy. Newly married.

I've been through many very serious bouts of depression in my life and I still feel into the trap of "Sure what could he be depressed about, new wife, financially secure". You would think I of all people would understand that you can be depressed when there's nothing ostensibly wrong with your life.

He and his brother were tight and his brother is absolutely devastated. Poor guy. It must have been quite a shock.

whatismyname

Not directed at any particular posting, just merely sharing information, and of course it doesn't make any huge difference in the grand scheme of things.

We're now discouraged from saying the term 'commit suicide' as it originally stemmed from suicide being a crime.

We're instead encouraged to say more factually accurate terms such as 'took their own life', 'ended their own life', 'killed themselves', 'completed suicide' etc.

See page 11 on language from the Samaritans guidelines http://www.samaritans.org/sites/default/files/kcfinder/files/press/Samaritans%20Ireland%20Media%20Guidelines.pdf

These guidelines are primarily for those reporting suicide, but still relevant for everyday language. They helpfully have a section on 'advice for digital media' too, which likely applies to many of us, journalists or not.

Just thought it was worth sharing.

Gael23

I have seen parents bereaved through suicide over the years and many of them will take the guilt to their own graves. Its not something that ever goes, you just have to learn to cope with it.

Fleawuss

I can't stand it when one view of a complex reality becomes established as the only way to think or talk about something. There are as many reasons for suicide as there are individuals. There are probably as many reactions among those left behind. I haven't lost anyone to suicide yet but I probably will. If they are terminally ill and wish to go I will be grateful for what their life brought to me and wish them peace. I fear for a trans MTF I know. Reading the reactions on the Zoolander thread might give you a sense of trying to be them: deeply confused, conflicted, mocked and belittled, their identity completely fragile and to be denied any chance of fulfillment or acceptance. Seeking human comfort and connection in all the wrong places with the possibility of a violent reaction. One night hammering down a motorway she (her way to talk of herself) asked me if I ever thought of swinging the steering wheel and ploughing into the barrier. If she goes then I'll be angry but resigned. I couldn't blame her. Nature is a blind and pitiless mistress. The only pity and warmth and comfort here is what we offer to ourselves and each other.

Tasden

A lot of those left behind feel very helpless and guilty for a very long time. They are left with a lot of what ifs that can never be answered. An illness or an accident, you can know it was out of your control, with suicide you always wonder what if.

MilesMorales1

Incredible bitterness, in my experience. Or maybe it was sadness feeling like bitterness, I'm still not sure.

lennyloulou

I buried my gorgeas husband of 34yrs just nine months ago.
We were married just over three years.
The night before we were booking an Easter get away on the net over a glass of wine by the fire.
Both of us working, enjoying life and loving each other without doubt.
He hung himself in the shed while I was in town the following day.
I never saw it coming and will never forget the weakness that went through me when I was told the news.
I never saw it coming.
I still can't believe he is gone.
I held him in my arms on the floor of the shed before he eventually was taken to the morgue. The look of regret and fear in his eyes was haunting.
He did not mean to do it-that was plain to see in his stricken face.
I wrapped him up in a cream fleece blanket that we had just bought in Penny's the week before and told him I loved him. I still do.
Counselling, coffees with friends, alternative therapies, yoga ... Yep I try them all but no one can feel or carry the pain I carry. It is so lonely and heavy.
Being in hell would be easier than having this cross of pain and heartache.

Tarzana2

I am so sorry, lennyloulou. x

wakka12

I hate the way people guilt suicidal people into not killing themselves, just so they wont hurt their family. It'll just make things even worse. But I know of several people who have had family members commit suicide and to say its devastating would be an understatement, particularly when its the son or daughter . It ruins the families lives forever, until the day they die . They will think about it every day for the rest of their life, they don't move past it. They only learn to cope with the burden of guilt.

Stheno

lennyloulou wrote: »

I buried my gorgeas husband of 34yrs just nine months ago.
We were married just over three years.
The night before we were booking an Easter get away on the net over a glass of wine by the fire.
Both of us working, enjoying life and loving each other without doubt.
He hung himself in the shed while I was in town the following day.
I never saw it coming and will never forget the weakness that went through me when I was told the news.
I never saw it coming.
I still can't believe he is gone.
I held him in my arms on the floor of the shed before he eventually was taken to the morgue. The look of regret and fear in his eyes was haunting.
He did not mean to do it-that was plain to see in his stricken face.
I wrapped him up in a cream fleece blanket that we had just bought in Penny's the week before and told him I loved him. I still do.
Counselling, coffees with friends, alternative therapies, yoga ... Yep I try them all but no one can feel or carry the pain I carry. It is so lonely and heavy.
Being in hell would be easier than having this cross of pain and heartache.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, I hope you find the support to get you through this.

My sister tried to commit suicide when she was 17

It's left a lasting mark on our family in that we try to make sure we mind her as much as possible

She's now a very loving parent to a little one yet the memory of that time hangs over us.

I've lost count of the amount of friends and colleagues that have died by suicide over the years.

As a young kid (about seven) my mother sent me down to the credit union to do a lodgement. On the way I found a man in a van who had slit his wrists and ran to the credit union to get him help.

I spent years as a small child thinking that he hated me as I stopped him killing himself.

wakka12

lennyloulou wrote: »

I buried my gorgeas husband of 34yrs just nine months ago.
We were married just over three years.
The night before we were booking an Easter get away on the net over a glass of wine by the fire.
Both of us working, enjoying life and loving each other without doubt.
He hung himself in the shed while I was in town the following day.
I never saw it coming and will never forget the weakness that went through me when I was told the news.
I never saw it coming.
I still can't believe he is gone.
I held him in my arms on the floor of the shed before he eventually was taken to the morgue. The look of regret and fear in his eyes was haunting.
He did not mean to do it-that was plain to see in his stricken face.
I wrapped him up in a cream fleece blanket that we had just bought in Penny's the week before and told him I loved him. I still do.
Counselling, coffees with friends, alternative therapies, yoga ... Yep I try them all but no one can feel or carry the pain I carry. It is so lonely and heavy.
Being in hell would be easier than having this cross of pain and heartache.

That is absolutely heartbreaking, I wish I could help you Im so incredibly sorry

Micky Dolenz

It really is impossible to ever truly know what another is thinking, even those closest to you. Guilt can be a very destructive emotion.

It's good to talk.

NachoBusiness

My Dad's brother took his life and I heard him getting the news over the phone. It broke him into smithereens and he died not long after of cancer. I know that nobody can ever say what caused someone to develop it but I think what happened took so much out of him that his body was at the very least, more susceptible.

I don't hold any animosity towards my Uncle. Wish he hadn't done it for selfish reasons I guess but sure what do I know about his level of torment.

I'm from a town in North Dublin and at least a dozen lads I knew growing up took their lives. At the very least and it's not that big of a town.

Personally I don't think suicide itself can be tackled directly, as almost every one of the cases I have known, all had very specific reasons. I for example nearly took my life many times due to severe physical illness where I could bear another second of how hard it was to live after an accident. One young lad I know who was 18 panicked after a party he through resulted in his parent's house getting wrecked while they were on holiday and out of fear of facing the, he hung himself. Another lad I know was so closed to his Dad that he couldn't bear life without him.

Another few are relationship issues. Chap I grew up with was stressed regarding mortgage / maintenance payments after a divorce and so there really are a hundred and one reasons why someone might incorrectly think they would be better off dead or that others might be better off without them. Tackling each individual issue, however that could possibly be achieved, imo, and making sure that if someone finds themselves within it, they have support and that they system will be fair to them, and / or support them, can really be the only genuine way of attempting to bring the numbers of suicide down.

rawn

A friend of my younger sister committed suicide about 2 years ago, they were all around 18/19 at the time. I have to say it almost makes you mad at the dead person when you see the mess they leave behind. His poor mother is like a zombie. His brother ran off to England because he couldn't cope and hasn't been back since. His best friend has PTSD (he found the body, and was left with it for a full hour or two before anyone arrived). My sister's entire circle of friends are distraught and broken even now, mostly cos of feelings of guilt as they had been out with him the night before and "didn't see" any signs. He left no note, no explanation, no goodbyes. The best they could deduce was a fight he had over the phone to his gf, who claims it was over something silly. I know it's quite controversial to say but I feel so ANGRY at him when I see how he has destroyed so many people's lives by taking the "easy" way out, without even a goodbye note to answer questions. It's incredibly selfish.

Just to be clear, I have depression and have certainly thought about suicide over the years. I am not saying my feelings towards this particular situation apply to all suicides. It's always a confusing and murky subject

Stheno

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

It really is impossible to ever truly know what another is thinking, even those closest to you. Guilt can be a very destructive emotion.

It's good to talk.

Do you know, never a truer word was spoken.
Was on the phone to a colleague late enough tonight and we were talking about the challenges of our roles as we are consultants and how it affects our lives, and honest to god, it made the world of difference to me, I'm mentally tired at the moment, and thinking of moving job, but just being able to chat to someone with the same perspective made me rethink and focus on what's good about it.

It was so good to talk to someone who knows the ins and outs and just walk through it, they had the same issues. That conversation tonight meant the world to me.

Talk people, don't be afraid to say you worry, feel challenged, or scared, admitting it an awful lot of the time means people will be with you

Mountainsandh

Joshua5 wrote: »

Has anyone ever had a father, brother, son commit suicide and what was the after affects? I hear some people resent those who resort to it and I was just wondering if anyone had any experiences to share.

My father, 18 years ago, I was 23.
We're all still messed up about it, although he'd talked about it often, how he thought it was for the best... left a note to that effect.

I'm still seething about it, even though I was old enough to understand his reasoning. I've lots of unresolved anger and probably grieving issues, my siblings too, still to this day, we don't quite know how to feel about it.

He had been very seriously depressed most of his adult life, had tried lots of treatments, hospital stays, ... we felt there was more to try. He didn't.

It's hard to know if it was the meds (or drop from an umpteenth decision to quit them) or if it was really him making the decision.

It sorted some immediate problems within our family, but it created new ones, that are with us for the rest of our lives.

So yes, I resent him.

There's always hope. Maybe the person who's taking their own life can't see it, but the family can (despite things that might be said) and so when it actually happens, it's harrowing for those that are left behind.

It won't be long now till I'm the age he died. I feel there's so much more to live, he missed so much.


I don't think there's a way to do it that won't mess up family and friends.

Thirteenth Step

Never had a close family member that's committed suicide but I have had quite a few close friends that have and for myself it's been very difficult. I've been left wondering what and if there was anything I could have done to help and there's a few that I feel that there was. I've found the bodies of two people (one a very close friend) who committed by a shotgun blast to the head and even as a vet who served three tours in the middle east they are images that will never leave my mind. I also stayed online with a friend who meant a great deal to me as she died from OD, powerless to help which will also always haunt me. What I can say is that my great uncle (grandfather's brother) committed with a shotgun also and even at almost 90 yrs old my grandfather still struggles to cope with it.

Cmar-Ireland

My father did it 20 years ago.

I'm married now with a 6 month old daughter and sorely wish that we could have Dad here to see her.

To me that's the toughest aspect to deal with. Over the years the grief eased, but our wedding, birth of our daughter and other life milestones brought back the memories.

His depression at the time wasn't noticed, by me anyway, but in hindsight it was there. Maybe because I too suffer from it I can see it now.

Last year I found a man who had hung himself. That was tough. But 10 years before that my brother and I found a man who had overdosed and managed to get paramedics to him in time.

I don't have any feelings of resentment for my Dad, then or now. I just wish I could have spotted it or that he could have talked to me.

dreamers75

I know way too many people who have did this, its horrific the damage it does to famillies.

I would say it destroys families as everyone feels guilty and guilt leads to anger at others and some will not want to see brothers and sisters as it reminds them of the lost person.

corner of hells

There is some pretty useful training available for anyone , Safetalk is available
to anyone , its designed to give you a very basic awareness around being alert to someone at possible risk of suicide.

ASIST is the next training level up from Safetalk , social care staff , teachers Garda , youth workers are trained in this method. The good thing about this is as far as I know its HSE delivered over two days . Its free but big in demand , you must complete Safetalk first.

They are both quite raw and graphic to a point , but are open to anyone.

questionmark?

Suicide rips people apart. A close friend of mine did it, it devastated our circle of friends and espicially his family. A note was left, which his mother allowed us to see. Even seen his words still doesn't make sense. It's horrible to think that as close as our group was he didn't think he could talk to us. Over the past year we have all opened up too each other and realise that we all have issues. We have told each other things we would never have said before because we realise these things need to be said. We are closer than ever. Till the day I die, hopefully in old age, I will never forget our friend.


To the poster who wrote about their husband. My god my heart goes out to you. To even write what you said is so brave. I wish you well in your life.

L.Jenkins

This is a difficult subject for anyone to discuss and maybe more prevalent given the time of year that's in it. My wife has been affected it by it directly, having lost her Uncle to suicide and I've been on the brink of it myself.

http://console.ie/ or 1800 247 247
http://www.samaritans.org/ or 116 123