Mothers of abuse victims siding with abusers.

crazyb1tch wrote: »

When I finally got the strength to speak up about my rape and sexual abuse by a family member, there was nothing done about it and the following day life just went to normal my father blamed me and my grandmother told me that I led my abuser on by wearing dresses! I was 4 when it started and 6 the first time I was raped. Finally now 35 years after it started, having battled depression and attempted suicide numerous times I have found the strength to take back control of my life. I am pursing a prosecution against this person, he has been arrested and files are being prepared for the DPP and I am receiving counselling it's a long tough road but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. To anyone struggling I'm thinking of you xx

Crazyb1tch I am so, so proud of you.

I'm sorry your father blamed you. but you weren't to blame in the slightest,.and you did not lead your abuser on. You simply didn't, and certainly not by wearing a dress, and definitely not as a 4 year old.

Nobody is ever at fault for getting raped, or to blame, but as a 6 year old my heart goes out to the child that you were.

I wish I could take this from you, and I am sorry for all that you experienced in life as a result.

I'm glad that you did not died as a result of your suicide attempts. As hard as it can be to see when feeling that way, you deserve to live. Living with the pain of this can be so unbearable, but I am so pleased that you have managed to take control of it.

The legal process can be really tough. I hope it not only helps you get the justice you deserve, but helps give you some closure when the times comes. I also hope that the legal process itself is as smooth as it can be, and doesn't bring up too much sh1t in itself.

Hearing you saying that you can now see the light at the end of the tunnel is wonderful. It can take so long to get there, and it all can be so painful and soul-destroying, but it's so wonderful to see that you've reached this point.

You are amazing, and I really mean that.

Oh PS in the circumstances, starting by calling you crazyb1tch felt quite wrong lol :P

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Does anyone ever wonder if any of their peers were similarly affected? I sometimes wonder if the perpetrator got at anyone else, and wonder if they wonder the same about me! I certainly can list two friends of our family who for no "apparent" reason, distanced themselves. In fact, I remember one night when we were at a sleepover and this person was in close proximity, that a friend had what appeared to be a panic attack in the middle of the night and had to go back to her house in the small hours because she couldn't be calmed down, whatever had transpired

In my case I know that other kids were abused as I was abused with them, but yes I would say it's very natural to wonder what they do.

Unfortunately, I think if it happened to you, it's very likely that your abuser did it to at least some others at some point. May or may not be your peers, but unfortunately yes I would say there's every chance that it happened to others you knew.

For me, even though it happened to others at the same time, we couldn't talk about it at the time, and still can't really now, and all seem to have different approaches / affects of it. It's very complex, and we're all unique individuals, is all I can really put it down to.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

This so much. I find that sometimes I identify with the younger me as someone else, someone that I want to travel back in time to and protect. It's like I am no longer an extension or a grown version of her, but a totally different person and my heart breaks for that little one who had the weight of the world on her shoulders and soldiered on to keep the peace.

Crazyb1tch we cannot blame ourselves, ever.

Can completely understand that.

I compartmentalise big time, and have a big issue with it mentally.

The 'not ok' me, which is probably the traumatised child part, which holds on to all of the pain,gets triggered and loses it, and just really isn't ok.

The 'ok' me who is the adult part, who is very high functioning, very confident, very able.

I think seeing the younger self has advantages, but can have difficulties too.

But when you say your heart breaks for it, so it should. No child should ever experience that. My heart breaks for the child I was, that you were, what crazyb1tch was, for every single child who experienced this sh1t.

But I find that your own heart breaking for the child you were can be so, so painful. But at the same time finding and having compassion for that child part can be such a fundamental part of healing.

When I was seeing a psychologist and was in the assessment stage, telling her all about my childhood, at one point she said 'you look sad'. I responded with 'but it was said', and she said 'no, it was absolutely horrendous'.

At that point I remember hearing this from her was validating, but also really difficult to hear someone else, a professional in particular, describe my childhood as horrendous. Accepting that my own childhood was horrendous was (and still is) definitely hard.

But at the same time I think I felt that in order to try to heal from it (I still have a long, long way to go on that), well, how can I really be healing from something that I'm accepting quite how bad it was.

And I remember that my heart broke for the child I was, and it still does, to be honest.

So yes important to find that compassion, I think, but can still be so, so painful doing so.

And I feel that parents still denying it is definitely a block in the road to recovery! How can you move on when there is so much unresolved anger? And to see that their relationship with the perpetrator hasn't changed. When I see them hugging the perpetrator, and asking him if he is ok, and expressing concern for him, this is what I hear:

We think it's ok that this was done to you.
We don't blame him for what he did.
We think its our place to forgive him on your behalf.
We value the idea of playing happy family to the outside world more than we value our own daughter's happiness.
It is your responsibility to put on a brave face so that we can all pretend nothing happened.
We love the perpetrator.
We don't want to believe that he is capable of this.
We don't care about other children that he might come into contact with.
We think that you are ok about this now, that you've "got over it" like you do a broken arm.
We are not sorry we failed you.
We are not sorry we didn't protect you.
We still think we are good parents.
We don't care if you are f*cked up once you don't rock the boat.
Sweeping issues under the carpet is preferable to communication.
We still expect you to love us in spite of everything we have done wrong.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

And I feel that parents still denying it is definitely a block in the road to recovery! How can you move on when there is so much unresolved anger? And to see that their relationship with the perpetrator hasn't changed. When I see them hugging the perpetrator, and asking him if he is ok, and expressing concern for him, this is what I hear:

We think it's ok that this was done to you.
We don't blame him for what he did.
We think its our place to forgive him on your behalf.
We value the idea of playing happy family to the outside world more than we value our own daughter's happiness.
It is your responsibility to put on a brave face so that we can all pretend nothing happened.
We love the perpetrator.
We don't want to believe that he is capable of this.
We don't care about other children that he might come into contact with.
We think that you are ok about this now, that you've "got over it" like you do a broken arm.
We are not sorry we failed you.
We are not sorry we didn't protect you.
We still think we are good parents.
We don't care if you are f*cked up once you don't rock the boat.
Sweeping issues under the carpet is preferable to communication.
We still expect you to love us in spite of everything we have done wrong.

I hear you.

For me, it's not relevant, the abuser is long since in jail, and won't ever be a part of our lives again.

But all of that for you is so real and so painful and so valid.

And for me there's still a hell of a lot of unresolved anger towards family, and a lot of other stuff.

I've been told all sorts of stuff like 'just don't think about it, if you don't think about it doesn't affect you', 'you've just gotta be stronger' etc.

All sorts that was so invalidating, when what I really need to hear was that it was ok and natural to be affected. That it was ok to acknowledge that. That it was ok to be angry. That I was justified in however I was affected and however I felt. That I had done my best. That I was more than strong enough. That I wasn't to blame, either then for what happened, or now for being affected.

But I want you to know all of that and more.

It will never be ok that your parents still deny it, that they hug him, ask if he is ok, show concern for him. Never.

It gives out so many wrong messages to you, and must be so painful.

I can't change their sh1ttiness, but I hope that hearing it from me, albeit a stranger on the internet, will help even the tiniest little bit.

I'm sorry that is their reaction. You deserved so much better as a child and you deserve so much better now.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

It's like an impossible situation because I do want to have a good relationship with them, and generally I do but I can feel this anger bubbling up more and more frequently as I get older. Maybe because I am coming to an age where I am planning to have my own children and wonder how anyone could have a child and not do everything to protect them. I also sometimes wonder what would I achieve by talking to them about it? What could they say or do to make me feel better, and would they even say or do it? And if they didn't, wouldn't I just be even angrier?

Just wondering, OldNotWise, have you ever gotten any professional help with it all?

drunkmonkey wrote: »

And what of a Garda that failed to act when reported? The crap is going to hit the fan today about the ex minister.

The older sister (Laura) also had a case against the father too but her files disappeared and it never went to court.

I actually think the mother here truly does believe that he is innocent. She seems that nuts:

‘‘I gave birth to Satan’s girls, they are not the girls that I brought up, definitely not. There’s no way that anyone who has any bit of me in them would behave like this.

‘‘I’ll tell you one thing and this is as true as I’m talking to you now, if I thought that John Joe Patterson had hurt a hair on any of my children’s heads, he would have his bag and baggage outside the door of the Templemore Garda station.

‘‘He would not be coming home with me. I would not condone anyone to hurt any child whatsoever, or any youngster, and I wouldn’t live with someone like that.

‘‘The only reason I’m here is because I know he has done nothing wrong. I am not in denial, I know the man has done nothing wrong. He’s not capable of doing anything.

‘‘I know him. Lots of people are supporting us. Ask anyone and they would say: “John Joe would do you a good turn.”

Heading off for lunch, but just wanted to say to those sharing their own experiences, particularly recently OldNotWise and crazyb1tch, but anyone else too, you give me a lot of hope.

whatismyname wrote: »

Yes, a very, very close second.

For me, my mother would never, ever be quite as bad as my abuser, given what he did.

But at the same time, there's a part within me that does feel she's 'as bad' because she was my mother, and it was her duty to protect me, and not let that happen, and certainly not to turn a blind eye.

And I know that even if she's not 'as bad', the massive failure on her part on that, and throughout my childhood more generally, has almost certainly had as much of an impact on my emotional development as a child and my mental health as an adult as what my abuser did.

Actually yes, with the above post I can see how there could be times that the enabler is as bad - and maybe in some ways even worse - than the abuser.

I hope I didn't seem cold - I tend to look at things all logically and objectively but there are times it's no harm to look at things more subjectively.

fleet_admiral wrote: »

I cant understand this. As a father if anyone layed a finger on my son id happily do time for them

I'm not yet a parent. But even thinking of nieces and nephews and anyone harming them like that, the all-powerful protection I feel towards them is just astounding. So can't even imagine what it'd be like if it was my own child.

But feeling that protection towards other kids, the anger on behalf of others who experience it, but knowing how much my own mother let me down, it's just hard to reconcile the different aspects of it, and hard to deal with quite how much one mother can let her own kids down.