People asking women when they will have children

arayess wrote: »

i don't see the problem in making small talk about it. Its a natural conversation piece if you are discussing life and family.

In the cases of couples having issues I have friends who have failed with IVF and are resigned not to have kids. the tiptoeing around any mention of kids i their presence drives them insane.


Everybody is so sensitive , you just can't win anymore.

Social interactions shouldn't be about 'winning' or 'losing'. Every way we interact with other people depends so, so much on context. I'd hate to think I had to start taking or giving lessons to the socially stunted. I can't give lessons for one thing, and taking lessons I would just feel like because they lack context, it's completely unnatural, and no lessons in social interactions can account for how other people react or how they think. At some point people will have to depend upon themselves, their own experiences, and their perception.

That's how people learn what is or isn't appropriate interaction with other people. This telling people to be conscious, or 'raising awareness' of any issue that most people are familiar with or have experience of already, is what leads to idiots banging on about 'sweat-shaming culture' :rolleyes:

We had a thread here a few weeks back and the opening post was suggesting that people should be more conscious of people who are sensitive to people putting up photos of their children on social media. At first I thought the OP was taking the piss, but then when I saw how many people were objecting to the idea, I saw that far more people didn't want to be told what they could or couldn't put up on their personal social media pages, and more people again objected to anyone they perceived to be speaking for them. The OP was rounded on from all sides from people who saw the issues from their own perspectives.

That's one of the problems advocating for anything on social media - more people won't be told what way to think, than those who think the same way, so while it may be that your friends find it patronising that people tip toe around them, those people too should be aware that they're enabling people to tip toe around them.

It's fcuking obvious sometimes, and more times it takes a person's best judgment. It depends upon context, rather than trying to 'raise awareness of issues', and forgetting about considering the person as a whole, rather than whittling them down to what issues we think they may or may not be affected by. The only way anyone can be certain is to ask, and I consider it more respectful to ask someone, rather than assume that they should be offended.

Dave_The_Sheep wrote: »

At any christening or wedding: "You'll be next!" *chortle*

Yeah. Hilarious. Every ****ing time.

With a name like that, I won't begrudge you getting in there first, with my line. No wonder people assume your next, they must be lining up at every function to let you know you'll be next, must be weird, explaining for the umpteen time your already baptisted .

arayess wrote: »

i don't see the problem in making small talk about it. Its a natural conversation piece if you are discussing life and family.

In the cases of couples having issues I have friends who have failed with IVF and are resigned not to have kids. the tiptoeing around any mention of kids i their presence drives them insane.


Everybody is so sensitive , you just can't win anymore.

I have no problem mentioning my kids, I won't go around pretending I don't have them just to spare someone's feelings. But I won't start conversation with "any news yet, you look a bit pregnant".

Also I have no problem discussing something when the other person indicates they want to talk about it. What I find a bit tedious is when especially men try to make small talk to women and the first thing every time is something about kids. I'm often in the same office as my partner and they talk to him about football which I quite like and then they turn to me with: and how are the kids? I would much prefer discussing what a great player Diego Costa is.

meeeeh wrote: »

I have no problem mentioning my kids, I won't go around pretending I don't have them just to spare someone's feelings. But I won't start conversation with "any news yet, you look a bit pregnant".

Also I have no problem discussing something when the other person indicates they want to talk about it. What I find a bit tedious is when especially men try to make small talk to women and the first thing every time is something about kids. I'm often in the same office as my partner and they talk to him about football which I quite like and then they turn to me with: and how are the kids? I would much prefer discussing what a great player Diego Costa is.

They're working off their experiences, I wouldn't automatically assume they mean it diminutively. I'm often asked "so who do you think is going to win the match?", I haven't a bloody clue who's going to win any match, because I don't have any interest in sports or soccer or whatever. I'd feel a bit silly though if I was supposed to be offended by someone else assuming that because I'm a guy I would have an interest in soccer. It's a natural assumption, most guys are interested in soccer and sports. That's not to say they're any more interested in sports than women, it's just to say that men are interested in sports.

People often appear more curious that I have no particular interest in sports, but I have many other interests that aren't stereotypically masculine either. With the work I do in social care and education, there are a disproportionate amount of women compared to men. With the work do in STEM, the scales go the other way. People make reasonable assumptions, sometimes they get it wrong, but I wouldn't automatically assume they mean anything bad by it.

Triangle wrote: »

I'm with you on this - I've (we've) been asked about our kids/future kids loads over time and have never had an issue with the questions - we've always just taken it as small talk.
If you take this down it's possible path - then if someone gets insulted about something, then eventually there will be no small talk as it will be taboo.

People wouldn't dream of asking a person what salary they are on, because its private. Or grill them about medical stuff. So why is it ok to ask questions about what is essentially a couple's sex life and procreation plans? It's an accepted small-talk topic it seems, but when you think about it, its intensely private and really shouldn't be small talk material.

scdublin wrote: »

People ask this so often it's ridiculous. It seems the expectation is that you'll be in a relationship a few years, live together, get married and have babies. That's just not what everyone wants and having to explain why is so tiring.

We got pestered. Absolutely pestered with questions, hints, remarks, and being the butt of jokes. I'd be on a night out trying to forget that that morning I woke up to a period and therefore the knowledge that I was unsuccessful for the 20th time in a row, trying not to think about having to put my legs in stirrups yet again on Monday morning for a doctor to have a good rummage around. Then some twat would make a remark about us getting around to having kids, all eyes would turn to us around the table and you'd just sit there wishing to fcuk you could just enjoy one night out without talking or thinking about it.

I tried to nicely explain but then you'd get drawn into a conversation where you had to defend your reason, try not to roll your eyes at their stupid suggestions and it just gets tiring being nice. After over 5 years of that sh!te, I cant be arsed explaining anymore, and I just end up saying "That's a bit personal to ask someone, isn't it?" or "Why don't we talk about YOUR sex life first?"

scdublin wrote: »

People ask this so often it's ridiculous. It seems the expectation is that you'll be in a relationship a few years, live together, get married and have babies. That's just not what everyone wants and having to explain why is so tiring.

I can imagine... but it's hardly surprising that people would be curious like.

I mean; procreating is kinda what we're hard wired to do evolutionarily speaking.

KungPao wrote: »

You have to love the word 'childless' as well. Like you are missing something. Just 'cause I don't want kids doesn't mean I am childless. I'm just me. Are people with kids 'childful'?

It's an adjective. That's it. Chill out like. There is no ulterior motive.

c_man wrote: »

Never, ever heard a man ask a woman this. Can you even imagine the bollocking?

I have,a good few times.

There was no bollicking at all.

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Forgive me if I may be spectacularly missing the point here, but why do either of you, why does anyone really (as I've come across this a few times but I've never been bothered to ask), why do you feel the need to label yourselves anything? I'm neither childless nor child free, but if someone had asked me before I had a child, I would simply have said 'no', but then I was also wifeless and wife free too at the time...

I'm just not getting it.

Because you were open to the possibility of having a child? Generally people who describe themselves as "childfree" are not.

I haven't been asked a whole lot, but my boyfriend has been badgered by one or two friends who keep telling him he will end up having kids.