People asking women when they will have children

People feel any questions regarding children is fair game. There is a 12 year gap between my two children and people will often ask if they have the same father. It's unbelievable how rude and inappropriate some people are

dazberry wrote: »

A neighbour objecting to planning permission for an extension described us in his submission as "They are a childless couple...". Presumably this suggests we didn't need the space as we are... well... childless, not stopping to think why we are "childless". Miserable old c**t.

Good lord. Normally I say live and let live, especially with neighbours, but I think I'd be calling in for words with him after that.

Well if you need Facebook message to tell you that...

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Do people actually DO this? I always assumed it was just a TV trope. It's none of anyone's f*cking business, any more than "when was your last period" or "when did you last remortgage your gaff".

Oh they do! I'm just back to work after maternity leave and some of the people I thought were my friends I never saw or heard from all of the time I was away.
Now I'm back and they're all over me like a rash. First day I was asked if I was pregnant again. When I said no they kept insisting basing their assumption on the fact that my face had changed shape.

If they had bothered to come near me while I was off they'd have known that I had a miscarriage in the summer and also had developed a serious auto immune illness since the birth of my baby and was on drugs to treat it, hence the change in my appearance.
:rolleyes::mad:

We're not interested in having kids at all but everyone is telling us we are and that we just don't know it, like a looming death sentence that's incoming.

Add to the fact that our lives will be incomplete and "empty" without children, that there is inherently something wrong with for herself to not have the want to be popping babies out. "Are.........are you infertile?" as one woman put it to both of us.

They really don't sell it either, they tell us we'll be having kids whether we like it or not and that "It's hard work, lots of sleepless nights, enjoy your childless life while it left, etc" and we're regularly told we'll have to get rid of all of our animals to accommodate for "the little one(s)"

We find it more offensive and annoying that people tell us we'll have to get rid of our animals for the sake of children, as if they're used up and have no more purpose.

rusty cole wrote: »

Im a bit confused and not to be insensitive here. so you were out on maternity leave and whilst so, had a miscarriage? and guys who you called friends did not know this??? and now you're back, they assume you had a child??? realy?? wtf!!!! you need to redefine your standards as friends go!!

that's unreal. I'd just say it and end the discussion. Id understand if they didn't come near you if they had some how learned without your knowledge and hence had trouble with how to approach you but to call yourself a friend and then not know you were ill and had a miscarriage, fooked up!

sorry to hear that by the way, I really am...:(

rusty cole wrote: »

so had one child and lost the second? sorry I know nothing as you can gather on this.

Yes, I gave birth in September of last year and fell pregnant again unexpectedly in April and had a miscarriage in July.
I had decided to take unpaid leave after my paid maternity leave finished so hadn't returned to work.

These people that I thought were my friends visited once (and they live close by me) for 20 mins while I was off and then that was it.
I had decided not to be involved with them to any degree again - you do learn who your friends are before the miscarriage anyway.

What astonished me is that as soon as I returned to work they were all over me and somehow think its ok to ask really personal questions when they weren't bothered when they had to make an effort.

I almost did tell them about the auto immune illness, treatment for it, miscarriage, etc but then thought they have no right to know that degree of personal stuff about me (which they'll only gossip about) and so that I wasn't pregnant and to leave it at that.

OneOfThem wrote: »

I'm not. I genuinely believe that we shouldn't be trying to encourage the world to tip toe around each other on egg shells and coming up with a list of new taboos.

Rather, people should just accept that sometimes someone may unintentionally upset or offend them, it's not a big deal though, and just something you have to learn to deal with as an adult.

So much this! I think these sort of pronouncements on social media or journalists with nothing to say, or bloggers who are 'offended' by absolutely normal social interactions, should quite frankly be told to grow up. There's plenty I'm uncomfortable talking about or being asked about, but to be told to be conscious of what I can and cannot ask of someone by someone completely outside of the people I usually interact with, is just nonsense.

I'm aware that people are sometimes thoughtless, I've put my foot in it more times than I'd care to mention, I've congratulated a friend on her pregnancy only to be informed she wasn't pregnant. She understood I had meant well and wasn't at all offended, I was more upset that I'd goofed and might have upset her than she was. It happens! I'm uncomfortable with women talking to me about their menstrual cycles and their periods and all the rest of it, but I'm able to maintain perspective on what's perhaps reasonable, and what's just too much information altogether! The problem with too much information altogether is that by the time I've shot back in my chair and tried to hide my disgust, the information is already out there. More than I needed to know.

I often get asked personal questions, and unfortunately for other people, I never remember to carry a list with me of topics I'm comfortable with, and topics I'd rather we avoid, compare lists and we can talk about what's left. That's no way to interact with other people. It teaches people nothing, and people learn nothing from being told what they can and cannot talk about.

My experiences have been a mixed bag. I've met women who remind me of the iphone meme - "How do you know when a woman does/doesn't want children? They'll tell you!", and they do, often times simply throwing it out there like a subject changer, and it catches me on the back foot because I'm just thinking "Ohhhh-kay?". I've worked with people who when my wife was pregnant they were already asking when were we having another one, how many were we having, etc, etc. Even now people still ask, and I don't particularly think they mean to be malicious, or competitive, or intending to humiliate or offend or anything else. 99 times out of 100, they're just making what they think is polite and interesting conversation by their standards, and for the one person who is asking as an opener to wax lyrical about themselves and how great they are and all the rest of it, well there are many ways to nip that one in the bud too.

One of the simplest ways is simply to tell them "that's really none of your business", or "I really don't/didn't need to know that". That's treating a person like they're a mature adult, instead of expecting people should be mind readers. I'd personally take it worse if I felt a person couldn't be themselves around me and I could see it written all over their faces that they want to ask a question out of interest, but they're afraid to in case they cause offence. I'd consider that far more patronising tbh, the same as I consider a complete stranger on social media telling me what I should or shouldn't be conscious of with regard to any particular topic one cares to mention, not just when it comes to family planning, etc.

I prefer people to encourage people to be honest and open with each other, and learn for themselves from their experiences, rather than treat people like children who need to be told by whoever what they can and cannot say. People learn quicker than they can be taught anything, and when they learn something for themselves, they understand and retain it better than being told by someone, how to interact with everyone else.

Whitewinged wrote: »

I think thats it. It all comes down to intent of the question.

In the example where someones saying they should get planning permission because you dont have children, the intent is malicious.

In the case where someone consistently asks the question over and over even though you already explained, thats provoking and mean.

In the case where people are putting up christmas photos on facebook, that is not people being smug, its just them celebrating christmas.

i have a friend in her early 20s, she was asking me what labour is like. Then she said "and would you do it again?", thats just curiosity.

For me, the intent of the person and the question would be the main factor of whether or not i was offended. You can be hurt without being offended.

Yea there are nosey, unthoughtful people and sometimes things they say are hurtful but most of the time, they are not trying to be hurtful. We will all unintentially put our foot in it at some stage in our lives.

This is it really, in a nutshell.

Meh, what's next - it's not ok when I ask fat birds when they're due?

biko wrote: »

Meh, what's next - it's not ok when I ask fat birds when they're due?

I always encourage people to use their best judgment, or as OneOfThem says, a bit of tact never went astray. People won't get it right all the time and sometimes they will goof, but I'd rather see them learn from that, than be told by anyone else what they can and cannot say to or ask of someone else.

Nobody can actually tell you what to say and what not to say. As an adult you should be mature enough to be able to use your best judgment. Expecting that other people need to tell you what to say, is absolving yourself of any responsibility for your own intentional stupidity.

stinkle wrote: »

infertility isnt a new thing though

No, but it is more hidden now though. Family planning in this country is relatively new from about the eighties, and also from that time, artificial human reproduction became the norm.

A generation ago, it would never be asked of an unmarried couple, and you'd soon realise that a couple who didn't have kids for the first few years of marriage, then eventually either remained childless or adopted, had problems in that department so you'd never ask. There was sod all a doctor could do in terms of fertility. Those who could have children had them usually quickly, and easily and frequently, whether they wanted them that way or not.

Nowadays we have the contraceptive options, and if a couple want their own biological baby, there is a good chance that they can now thanks to medical advances. But people also have choice. People can choose now to say they don't ever want children and reliable contraception and sterilisation ensures that for them. Its socially acceptable to say that you don't want them, whereas you'd get a dressing down in days gone by from your local priest for daring to even think of interfering with a Divine process.

I agree with Whoopsy - I don't think I have the right to get offended when someone says something that unwittingly hurts me. I didn't get offended when the guy I worked with joked I was so huge I must be expecting twins (I had been, but lost one) I didn't get offended when I picked up my OH from work one day and his boss started joking that we needed to get a move on for #2 (I was miscarrying what would have been 4th child at the time) It sucks but they weren't to know.

I reserve the right to get offended when someone tries to tell me why I'm unsuccessful though! I've been told its because I need to eat a raw food diet. I need to go on a holiday and relax. I need to say *this* Novena. I need to do a handstand after sex. I need to go to *this* faith healer. :rolleyes:

I've a standard response that I use now and it seems to work.