Getting engaged

pinkiepie101 · 12-09-2015 07:25PM

Best of luck with the engagement
I'd love my boyfriend to propose with a ring but he's a cheap skate and couldn't be arsed actually now I think of it he's a bit of a dick....you know what I'm going home tonight to dump his ass!!

Wibbs · 12-09-2015 07:33PM

Whispered wrote: »

It's so personal.

True dat.

Wibbs · 12-09-2015 07:34PM

pinkiepie101 wrote: »

Best of luck with the engagement
I'd love my boyfriend to propose with a ring but he's a cheap skate and couldn't be arsed actually now I think of it he's a bit of a dick....you know what I'm going home tonight to dump his ass!!

Well that escalated quickly…

Tarzana2 · 12-09-2015 08:47PM

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

It's an important and courteous tradition.

If the couple don't want to do it, then it's not important to them.

tomwaterford · 12-09-2015 08:49PM

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

It's an important and courteous tradition. Anyone I know who has gotten married recently has asked permission from the father before proposing. It's helps build a bit of a bond with the father in law and it's very much appreciated.

It's not really asking permission anyway more just letting them known you plan to propose to their daughter.

Are you posting from the 1800s :pac:

If the sisters husband had a asked the father here he'd have pissed himself laughing at the taught of it :pac:

Wibbs · 12-09-2015 08:51PM

Tarzana2 wrote: »

If the couple don't want to do it, then it's not important to them.

True, but the couple don't exist in a societal vacuum either. I might, well, would think the asking permission stuff is archaic daftness, but if the woman I was getting engaged to saw it as important and so did her family, then I'd suck it up and go along with it. It would become important to me. If it was a generally rare compromise of that nature. Ditto for the whole engagement ring vibe. If I was drawing lines they would be elsewhere and a lot earlier in the relationship. If it got to the exchanging rings point I'd reckon we'd have navigated our compromises and the like pretty well. Or would hope so anyway.

Tarzana2 · 12-09-2015 08:53PM

tomwaterford wrote: »

Are you posting from the 1800s :pac:

If the sisters husband had a asked the father here he'd have pissed himself laughing at the taught of it :pac:

My father would have been utterly bemused and uncomfortable at my brother-in-law asking him for my sister's hand. And my brother-in-law would never have done it anyway!

I'm recently engaged and same story with my fella!

Tarzana2 · 12-09-2015 08:55PM

Wibbs wrote: »

True, but the couple don't exist in a societal vacuum either. I might, well, would think the asking permission stuff is archaic daftness, but if the woman I was getting engaged to saw it as important and so did her family, then I'd suck it up and go along with it.

I meant if neither member of the couple fancies it, then it's not important. And quite frankly, if that put out the father than that's something he needs to deal with, not the couple. It needs to become not important to him.

12-09-2015 09:19PM

tomwaterford wrote: »

Are you posting from the 1800s :pac:

If the sisters husband had a asked the father here he'd have pissed himself laughing at the taught of it :pac:

Well it's the norm rather than the exception from my experience.

tomwaterford · 12-09-2015 09:22PM

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

Well it's the norm rather than the exception from my experience.

Being honest I taught it was just a kinda made up/exaggerated thing from movies

Never heard tell of it and id have a good few friends who'd be engaged (mid 20s and engaged :mad:..rant for another day)

Tarzana2 · 12-09-2015 09:41PM

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

Well it's the norm rather than the exception from my experience.

These days, nah.

Spanish Eyes · 12-09-2015 09:49PM

Buy a cheapie. Get down on yer knees. Present cheapie and pretend it's the real deal.

If she loves you the proposal will be everything. Trust me.

12-09-2015 09:55PM

Tarzana2 wrote: »

These days, nah.

Most if not all in my circle of friends (late 20's mostly) have either asked or their partner has asked their dad.

Tarzana2 · 12-09-2015 10:03PM

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

Most if not all in my circle of friends (late 20's mostly) have either asked or their partner has asked their dad.

And in my circle, nobody has.

Dolbert · 12-09-2015 10:25PM

Tarzana2 wrote: »

And in my circle, nobody has.

Yup, I don't know anyone in real life who has done this.

Spanish Eyes · 12-09-2015 10:37PM

Diamonds depreciate in value. Like a new car going out of the forecourt.

Get a nice ring to do the deal. Fiancee will be delighted you have proposed, and then go get a ring together. Discuss it first, it might not be romantic, but it will save rows and disappointments later.

At the end of the day. Would anyone other than the bride to be notice if it was a diamon that cost 5k or not?

OK if you are minted. That's great. If not, spend the money on a trip abroad, a part deposit for a house, whatever.

The engagement ring thing is only fattening up the jewellery shops!

But then it depends on the Mrs to be I suppose. And that's allowed.

eviltwin · 12-09-2015 10:41PM

I'm married 7 years and we just got married. No engagement, no ring, no pressure to do anything spectacular, certainly no asking parents permission

Tarzana2 · 12-09-2015 10:44PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm married 7 years and we just got married. No engagement, no ring, no pressure to do anything spectacular, certainly no asking parents permission

I got engaged three months ago and still have no ring. Not sure I'll ever get one. I don't ever wear jewellery, don't care about it and don't know the first thing about it. So why would I ask my fiancé to drop a stupid amount of money on it. Spending lots on an engagement ring isn't stupid if you're totally into them, but if you're not, it is!

Aidric · 12-09-2015 10:44PM

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Diamonds depreciate in value. Like a new car going out of the forecourt.

True they do but when buying a diamond ring for the woman you intend to marry, your P&L shouldn't be foremost in your mind.

Tarzana2 · 12-09-2015 10:49PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm married 7 years and we just got married. No engagement, no ring, no pressure to do anything spectacular, certainly no asking parents permission

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I got engaged three months ago and still have no ring. Not sure I'll ever get one. I don't ever wear jewellery, don't care about it and don't know the first thing about it. So why would I ask my fiancé to drop a stupid amount of money on it. Spending lots on an engagement ring isn't stupid if you're totally into them, but if you're not, it is!

Just to add, your post was comforting because I've felt slight pressure to get one and I'm so glad to hear of someone else who didn't. Did you have many people commenting about the lack of ring? And if so, how did you field those questions?

Spanish Eyes · 12-09-2015 10:53PM

Aidric wrote: »

True they do but when buying a diamond ring for the woman you intend to marry, your P&L shouldn't be foremost in your mind.

Ah sure I know that too!

Just think that pressure to pay thousands is not really the issue. But if anyone can afford that good luck to them! It is when they cannot and struggle to keep up there is a problem I think, on both sides.

I am female BTW and I understand all that. Each to their own.

I preferred a 7k kitchen believe it or not! and a token ring. Feck that, who notices? As long as you love each other and all that.

It is an individual choice, but if anyone bases the love of the OH on the price paid for a ring.....well sorry, but that's just me again...

eviltwin · 12-09-2015 10:55PM

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Just to add, your post was comforting because I've felt slight pressure to get one and I'm so glad to hear of someone else who didn't. Did you have many people commenting about the lack of ring? And if so, how did you field those questions?

I'm not a ring person so it didn't surprise anyone who knows me. A few people who wouldn't know me think it's odd or sad but I just explain we'd been together a long time, had a house and a family and the money was better spent elsewhere and most people understand, those that don't or feel I've missed out or whatever i just smile politely.

questionmark? · 12-09-2015 11:10PM

OP it isn't the 1800s.

Asking permission from her family? Really? What the hell has it got to do with them. They should be just happy that their daughter/sister has found someone they love.

Pick the ring yourself. Price doesn't matter. It could be €100 or €1000 but pick it for its meaning not its price tag. Focusing on price tag, one month/three months wages is shallow.

I'm happily married, get on great with her parents who were happy when we got engaged and then married and she loves the ring I picked when popping the question.

If your Mrs is worried about the price tag and doesn't think the ring you bought is good enough then she ain't worth marrying.

donegaLroad · 13-09-2015 12:04AM

this might be of interest to you OP

Menas · 13-09-2015 12:09AM

tomwaterford wrote: »

Being honest I taught it was just a kinda made up/exaggerated thing from movies

Never heard tell of it and id have a good few friends who'd be engaged (mid 20s and engaged :mad:..rant for another day)

My parents got married in 1963 and my dad thought asking permission was old fashioned so he didn't. Asking permission in 2015? Get out of it!

John_Rambo · 13-09-2015 12:11AM

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

It's an important and courteous tradition. Anyone I know who has gotten married recently has asked permission from the father before proposing. It's helps build a bit of a bond with the father in law and it's very much appreciated.

It's not really asking permission anyway more just letting them known you plan to propose to their daughter.

It's an antiquated tradition borne from male dominance and ownership over women.

I guess it's cute and macho for the men to have a whiskey and agree that one asks the other to take the hand of a girl when ultimately and thankfully the girl has the choice to say no. One would hope the girl would be willing to marry, but on the other hand the act would certainly apply extra pressure to an undecided girl. Particularly when she finds out there's been paternal or familial collaboration behind her back.

I decided to ask the girl first. It's her decision. If you want to carry out backwater misogynist traditions that would sit well with Taliban type societies I'd talk to your girl first and get things straight before asking for the elders permission.

kylith · 13-09-2015 12:13AM

donegaLroad wrote: »

this might be of interest to you OP

A real boulevard of broken dreams there.

Wibbs · 13-09-2015 06:27AM

Aidric wrote: »

True they do but when buying a diamond ring for the woman you intend to marry, your P&L shouldn't be foremost in your mind.

Or better yet find a woman who doesn't buy into the BS of a "tradition" invented by an advertising agency in the 1930's. I find it interesting that on the one hand some reckon the asking permission stuff is silly, but following a pretty newly invented tradition solely designed to sell diamonds and paying through the nose for it is A OK.

Oh and even that "one months wages" thing was a DeBeers invention. They reckoned that was about the amount that men would be likely to go for and enough to satisfy the women. They more recently introduced the "three months wages" idea. Getting greedy.

One eyed Jack · 13-09-2015 07:04AM

John_Rambo wrote: »

It's an antiquated tradition borne from male dominance and ownership over women.

I guess it's cute and macho for the men to have a whiskey and agree that one asks the other to take the hand of a girl when ultimately and thankfully the girl has the choice to say no. One would hope the girl would be willing to marry, but on the other hand the act would certainly apply extra pressure to an undecided girl. Particularly when she finds out there's been paternal or familial collaboration behind her back.

I decided to ask the girl first. It's her decision. If you want to carry out backwater misogynist traditions that would sit well with Taliban type societies I'd talk to your girl first and get things straight before asking for the elders permission.

An awful lot of weirdness and projection here. Many people nowadays aren't even aware of the origins of the tradition, and care even less about dominance and ownership or any of that backwater misogynist Taliban nonsense. Laughable stuff really tbh.

I asked my wife's father's permission because I was asking to become part of his family, and that meant something to me personally. My wife and I had been cohabiting for seven years previously and I'd already asked her and she'd said yes. Neither herself nor her parents made any big deal of it and her parents appreciated the gesture of being asked and being involved.

It's not for everyone of course, but nobody has to be a complete arse about it either, it's completely down to the individuals involved, and if the OP feels like it'd be a nice gesture to ask his girlfriends' mother's blessing, I don't see the harm, play on OP tbh.

As for the engagement ring, my wife had her eye on one for a while, so she went and got it, I've no idea how much it cost, didn't want to know, and the wedding bands we bought our own, I didn't bother buying one that was too expensive, I lost it about a month after we were married and didn't bother with another one.

Diamond Doll · 13-09-2015 07:10AM

Wibbs wrote: »

As for the ring? Well I'd be one of those curmudgeonly types who would get itchy hair at the idea of falling hook line and sinker for a "tradition" cooked up a few decades ago by the DeBeers diamond company. Get a ruby ring or opal or something different. Diamonds unless huge or a rare colour are essentially worthless, which you'll find out if you ever had to sell it on. Sorry Diamond Doll *hides* :pac: "Bah! Humbug!".

LOL funny you should mention that. I was in the position a few years back where I had to sell on an engagement ring. It had cost my ex-fiancé close to €3k I think, when I resold it (in perfect as-new condition) I only got around €600.

After that experience, if I ever did get engaged again, I'd either go for no ring or a relatively cheap one (under €100), I wouldn't really care if it was real jewellery or not.

Actually I kind of quite like the idea of getting a cheap ring and maybe swapping it for a new (cheap) one every few years, could end up with a few different engagement rings so I'd never get bored of looking at the same ring every day!

Getting engaged

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