Getting engaged

frankythefish

So the plan is to get down on one knee in coming months.
Unsure about a few things though.
I m not rich rich being one. But I don t want her to be disappointed. How much is the average spend on a ring? And how can I even be sure she will like the ring anyways? I 'll know little about rings.

My other q is in relation to asking permission of the family. I think I shall ask permission of her mum (girlfriends dad is rip). I don't know 're asking her brothers though. One is located in Australia even. Her bro Tom for instance (jokingly perhaps) said he d be expecting to be consulted before a proposal.

Advices/comments welcome.

frankythefish

Is it possible even to get engaged without ring and let her choose ring afterwards?

Notavirus.exe

frankythefish wrote: »

I m not rich rich being one. But I don t want her to be disappointed. How much is the average spend on a ring? And how can I even be sure she will like the ring anyways? I 'll know little about rings.

Money is not love.

In response to your question, my father spent £12,000 on an engagement ring. Remember, that was back in the day when we used £s here. Not sure if that's the average though.

Taking her to get the ring is usually the normal thing to do. You don't need to surprise her with it.

Teflon Ron

frankythefish wrote: »

Is it possible even to get engaged without ring and let her choose ring afterwards?

No. I'm afraid it's impossible. If you even try, the sheer force of social norms will counter your efforts and you'll look quite the fool.

Liam McPoyle

eebow wrote: »

No. I'm afraid it's impossible. If you even try, the sheer force of social norms will counter your efforts and you'll look quite the fool.

Bollocks tbh.

Myself and my now wife got engaged without a ring. I had booked flights for the next day to Antwerp so we spent 3 days there until she found one that she loved.

316

Go to a plumbing store and get a 3/4 inch olive that will do fine for the ring.

Inspector Coptoor

Ask her mum.
Buy a token ring for €75-€100 and use that.
Then the two of you can go in together and buy the real engagement ring.

As for the average spend, i dunno.
Varies from person to person.

I know lads that have spent north of €10k and lads that spent less than €500.
I was bang in the middle between the two and that represented one months gross wages for me.

Don't stretch yourself financially, could cause resentment.

Teflon Ron

Business Cat wrote: »

Bollocks tbh.

Myself and my now wife got engaged without a ring. I had booked flights for the next day to Antwerp so we spent 3 days there until she found one that she loved.

Your sarcasm detector....fix it.

NachoBusiness

Pick an expensive ring you like and then start a start-up group donation thingamajig and get other people to pay for it, promising a video of the public proposal where you will be naked in front of total strangers. You do that, and you have €10 for me already.

Pixelation of your nether regions is acceptable as I'm after the public reaction to such a spectacle and to see if your g/f would still take ya considering you could be arrested and jailed for indecency.

Ruu

Why would you care what the average spend is? Pay what you can afford. Your partner won't be concerned about how much you spent on it (hopefully for your sake/sanity). Good luck!

Son Of A Vidic

frankythefish wrote: »

Getting engaged

My condolences.

Notavirus.exe

Maybe you should ask in the Weddings, Marriages and Civil Partnerships forum. A lot of people there who would be able to help you.

CFlat

Im not sure if AH is the best place to ask for advice on buying a wedding ring.

Anyway I bought one back in the late 90s and I think I spent £2000 on it. But then we didnt get married so what would I know. I think £12,000(14,500euro) is a lot unless you're loaded.

Oh and we bought the ring together.

Icaras

Inspector Coptoor wrote: »

Ask her mum.
Buy a token ring for €75-€100 and use that.
Then the two of you can go in together and buy the real engagement ring.

As for the average spend, i dunno.
Varies from person to person.

I know lads that have spent north of €10k and lads that spent less than €500.
I was bang in the middle between the two and that represented one months gross wages for me.

Don't stretch yourself financially, could cause resentment.

Do this.

I started a thread on this a while ago and this is a nice summary.

MarkAnthony

1 months salary is a good guide, but don;t go into hock for it.

Also thank for the opportunity for...

What's a man and a toilet got in common?

He's either engaged or full of ****.

I'll get my coat.

Ask her mothers permission as her father isn't around.

Just get a token ring and pick out one together then after, this is the norm nowadays as there is no point buying a ring and then she doesn't like it.

Diamond Doll

I'd be a bit narked if someone asked anyone else's "permission" before proposing to me. I'm no feminazi, but it's a decision that should be made as a couple. No reason to involve anyone else in the decision.

As for the ring, I know I personally would rather choose it myself, but other women would love to be proposed to with "The Ring" - you know your fiancée better than anyone, surely you've an idea of what she'd prefer?

I wouldn't go throwing away 100 euro on a token ring ... buy a cheapy one or none at all. Then go shopping together. Some places are great at making a fuss of her apparently when shopping so it could be nice

You'd know best about asking her family. Some people myself included would hate, hate someone knowing our own private business before me.... some would think it's very sweet.

Gongoozler

Fcuk social norms and other such sh!te. If she wants to marry you, she'll want to marry you without the stupid tradition of splashing out a load of money for nothing.

BrokenArrows

I hear numbers being passed around like one or two or three months salary. That is insane.

Pay what you can afford. If the fiancee cares that its too cheap then you shouldn't be getting engaged.

Notavirus.exe

You're worrying about the price of an engagement ring.

Wait 'til you're married for her to start asking for birthday presents!

kylith

Asking permission is seen as quite a quaint thing these days, I think. Personally I'd like to be able to call my parents and surprise them with the news, not have them say 'yes, we knew it was coming'.

Again personally I'd hate for someone to spend thousands on a ring when a much cheaper one would do just as well, and no-one can tell the difference between a real diamond and a fake one anyway. An expensive ring doesn't mean you love her any less than a more affordable one, and with a wedding in the offing every penny is going to count.

The_Valeyard

frankythefish wrote: »

Is it possible even to get engaged without ring and let her choose ring afterwards?

This a thousands times


DO NOT BUY THE RING

Get a placeholder ring and pick out one she likes.

cassid

Do something nice or go to a place that means something to your girlfriend and propose there. Mine hubby proposed in a historical Irish location, but am a history bore and he knew that and loved that he incorporated something I love with someone I love.

You don't need to buy a ring to propose. But have the few bob put aside so you can go shopping together. But if she is fussy, get her to narrow down her search to specific shops. I picked mine after visiting two shops, one of my brothers was dragged around so many shops, it drove him nutty. He still moans about it, 10 years later.

Best of luck

The Cool

If you read the weddings forum you'll see hugely divided opinion on how much you should spend; whether you should pop the question with The Ring, a token ring, or none at all; whether you should ask the folks, etc.
For example, I wouldn't want a crazy amount spent on it but at the same time I think you'd be hard pushed to find a good quality, pretty ring that'll last me years, for under a grand; I absolutely want to be proposed to with The Ring; and if my fella asked my folks he'd be laughed out the door.

Moral of the story, only you know what her preferences are. If you're stuck maybe ask her close friend if they've discussed it.
Good luck!

Menas

Apparently the rule of thumb is 1 months wages on the ring. But thats crap IMO.

Do not get the ring in advance. Its fun buying it together. And you get free champers if you are going to some of the posher stores. And this way she does get her dream ring rather than what you think she might like.

And asking the parents for permission...they should be asking you! So dont be worrying about that either.

All said and done, enjoy the whole thing and do it YOUR way.

Alf Veedersane

Don't try to pick a ring. Propose with a cheap one on the premise of her getting one she wants. I used one fashioned out of tinfoil. She actually treasures it as a memento...

Ask her mother if you like. Don't bother with asking siblings

alpha2

Some people like to do the asking permission thing, others find it a patronising tradition - you could try asking for the mother's blessing if you want to make a gesture in that direction

Wibbs

Diamond Doll wrote: »

I'd be a bit narked if someone asked anyone else's "permission" before proposing to me. I'm no feminazi, but it's a decision that should be made as a couple. No reason to involve anyone else in the decision.

+1000. I mean WTF? Is my tardis on the blink again? Sounds like I'm in the 1940's, though on the interwebs. Odd I'm sure I set the controls for 2015. Meh the type 51 was always a clunker. *kicks console*.

As for the ring? Well I'd be one of those curmudgeonly types who would get itchy hair at the idea of falling hook line and sinker for a "tradition" cooked up a few decades ago by the DeBeers diamond company. Get a ruby ring or opal or something different. Diamonds unless huge or a rare colour are essentially worthless, which you'll find out if you ever had to sell it on. Sorry Diamond Doll *hides* :pac: "Bah! Humbug!".

Whispered

It's so personal. I couldn't care less about the ring. But appreciated the fact my husband spoke to my father before proposing. He didn't ask permission, but did tell him he was going to propose and asked for his blessing. I know loads of people think it's so old fashioned and it is! But was perfect for our family.

Menas

Menas wrote: »

And asking the parents for permission...they should be asking you! So dont be worrying about that either.

It's an important and courteous tradition. Anyone I know who has gotten married recently has asked permission from the father before proposing. It's helps build a bit of a bond with the father in law and it's very much appreciated.

It's not really asking permission anyway more just letting them known you plan to propose to their daughter.

pinkiepie101

Best of luck with the engagement
I'd love my boyfriend to propose with a ring but he's a cheap skate and couldn't be arsed actually now I think of it he's a bit of a dick....you know what I'm going home tonight to dump his ass!!

Wibbs

Whispered wrote: »

It's so personal.

True dat.

Wibbs

pinkiepie101 wrote: »

Best of luck with the engagement
I'd love my boyfriend to propose with a ring but he's a cheap skate and couldn't be arsed actually now I think of it he's a bit of a dick....you know what I'm going home tonight to dump his ass!!

Well that escalated quickly…

Tarzana2

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

It's an important and courteous tradition.

If the couple don't want to do it, then it's not important to them.

tomwaterford

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

It's an important and courteous tradition. Anyone I know who has gotten married recently has asked permission from the father before proposing. It's helps build a bit of a bond with the father in law and it's very much appreciated.

It's not really asking permission anyway more just letting them known you plan to propose to their daughter.

Are you posting from the 1800s :pac:

If the sisters husband had a asked the father here he'd have pissed himself laughing at the taught of it :pac:

Wibbs

Tarzana2 wrote: »

If the couple don't want to do it, then it's not important to them.

True, but the couple don't exist in a societal vacuum either. I might, well, would think the asking permission stuff is archaic daftness, but if the woman I was getting engaged to saw it as important and so did her family, then I'd suck it up and go along with it. It would become important to me. If it was a generally rare compromise of that nature. Ditto for the whole engagement ring vibe. If I was drawing lines they would be elsewhere and a lot earlier in the relationship. If it got to the exchanging rings point I'd reckon we'd have navigated our compromises and the like pretty well. Or would hope so anyway.

Tarzana2

tomwaterford wrote: »

Are you posting from the 1800s :pac:

If the sisters husband had a asked the father here he'd have pissed himself laughing at the taught of it :pac:

My father would have been utterly bemused and uncomfortable at my brother-in-law asking him for my sister's hand. And my brother-in-law would never have done it anyway!

I'm recently engaged and same story with my fella!

Tarzana2

Wibbs wrote: »

True, but the couple don't exist in a societal vacuum either. I might, well, would think the asking permission stuff is archaic daftness, but if the woman I was getting engaged to saw it as important and so did her family, then I'd suck it up and go along with it.

I meant if neither member of the couple fancies it, then it's not important. And quite frankly, if that put out the father than that's something he needs to deal with, not the couple. It needs to become not important to him.

tomwaterford

tomwaterford wrote: »

Are you posting from the 1800s :pac:

If the sisters husband had a asked the father here he'd have pissed himself laughing at the taught of it :pac:

Well it's the norm rather than the exception from my experience.

tomwaterford

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

Well it's the norm rather than the exception from my experience.

Being honest I taught it was just a kinda made up/exaggerated thing from movies


Never heard tell of it and id have a good few friends who'd be engaged (mid 20s and engaged :mad:..rant for another day)

Tarzana2

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

Well it's the norm rather than the exception from my experience.

These days, nah.

Spanish Eyes

Buy a cheapie. Get down on yer knees. Present cheapie and pretend it's the real deal.

If she loves you the proposal will be everything. Trust me.

Tarzana2

Tarzana2 wrote: »

These days, nah.

Most if not all in my circle of friends (late 20's mostly) have either asked or their partner has asked their dad.

Tarzana2

Kayson Screeching Manatee wrote: »

Most if not all in my circle of friends (late 20's mostly) have either asked or their partner has asked their dad.

And in my circle, nobody has.

Dolbert

Tarzana2 wrote: »

And in my circle, nobody has.

Yup, I don't know anyone in real life who has done this.

Spanish Eyes

Diamonds depreciate in value. Like a new car going out of the forecourt.

Get a nice ring to do the deal. Fiancee will be delighted you have proposed, and then go get a ring together. Discuss it first, it might not be romantic, but it will save rows and disappointments later.

At the end of the day. Would anyone other than the bride to be notice if it was a diamon that cost 5k or not?

OK if you are minted. That's great. If not, spend the money on a trip abroad, a part deposit for a house, whatever.

The engagement ring thing is only fattening up the jewellery shops!

But then it depends on the Mrs to be I suppose. And that's allowed.

eviltwin

I'm married 7 years and we just got married. No engagement, no ring, no pressure to do anything spectacular, certainly no asking parents permission

Tarzana2

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm married 7 years and we just got married. No engagement, no ring, no pressure to do anything spectacular, certainly no asking parents permission

I got engaged three months ago and still have no ring. Not sure I'll ever get one. I don't ever wear jewellery, don't care about it and don't know the first thing about it. So why would I ask my fiancé to drop a stupid amount of money on it. Spending lots on an engagement ring isn't stupid if you're totally into them, but if you're not, it is!

Aidric

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Diamonds depreciate in value. Like a new car going out of the forecourt.

True they do but when buying a diamond ring for the woman you intend to marry, your P&L shouldn't be foremost in your mind.

Tarzana2

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm married 7 years and we just got married. No engagement, no ring, no pressure to do anything spectacular, certainly no asking parents permission

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I got engaged three months ago and still have no ring. Not sure I'll ever get one. I don't ever wear jewellery, don't care about it and don't know the first thing about it. So why would I ask my fiancé to drop a stupid amount of money on it. Spending lots on an engagement ring isn't stupid if you're totally into them, but if you're not, it is!

Just to add, your post was comforting because I've felt slight pressure to get one and I'm so glad to hear of someone else who didn't. Did you have many people commenting about the lack of ring? And if so, how did you field those questions?