Your most embarrassing sex story

Medusa22 · 07-09-2015 11:44AM

Blitzkrieger wrote: »

Probably tame by the standards of this thread, but I once... arrived unexpectedly in a girl's mouth. In my defence she could only expect one outcome after blowing me for so long and I gave her two warnings - one at T -90 and another at T -30. Three if you count the "Oh ****!" at T - 0.5. She wasn't happy....

TBH I've never been good at the 'What do you want to do with the jizz' conversation.

I would just assume that swallowing is the default unless someone expresses a different preference?

Penny Tration · 07-09-2015 11:55AM

eeguy wrote: »

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

Your friend is a Cnut.

What are those? · 07-09-2015 12:33PM

One of the lads in my school was about to get a BJ and came in his GFs eye unexpectedly which killed the mood as one can imagine,but what was worse was that her eye got infected and she had to wear an eye patch to our school for a number of days so the story broke fairly quick.Insult to injury for your man is that his initials were AK so everyone calls him AK47 to this day as he shoots off unexpectantly

Das Kitty · 07-09-2015 12:50PM

serenity_now wrote: »

So I was at a party in college and met a cute girl, one thing lead to another and I got a bj in the kitchen during which in the throes of passion I nearly took my eye out on a press door and ended up in casualty. No permanent damage thankfully, just a black eye.
Fast fwd 6 months and I'm happily going out with another girl and on a night out we meet up with one of her cousins. Needless to say
we had already been acquainted. I eventually told the new girlfriend the story and we are married now and together 16 years.

I know everyone wants a unique proposal story, but that's pushing it.

emeldc · 07-09-2015 01:00PM

Tompatrick wrote: »

One of the lads brought a lass back to his gaff. They were both fairly jarred. She had her sexy buttons pierced and was wearing large rings. Large enough for yer man to slip his knob through for a kinky BJ. Cue ensuing disaster when he slipped and his hard knob ripped off a sexy button. ! Oucheeeeeee

Wha?

The_Minister · 07-09-2015 01:02PM

Tompatrick wrote: »

One of the lads brought a lass back to his gaff. They were both fairly jarred. She had her sexy buttons pierced and was wearing large rings. Large enough for yer man to slip his knob through for a kinky BJ. Cue ensuing disaster when he slipped and his hard knob ripped off a sexy button. ! Oucheeeeeee

FFS, they come with buttons ‽‽

Now I know my mistake.

smash · 07-09-2015 01:02PM

emeldc wrote: »

Wha?

nipples... I think

Right Turn Clyde · 07-09-2015 01:17PM

Here's one from when I was 17. It was the first girl I was ever with, although not my first time in the saddle with her. Anyway, we were going at it in the garden of a funeral home (which should have warned me of the deathly nature of what was to come).

She stopped midway through and then reached down, checked herself and then showed me a bloody hand. She told me she wasn't due her period, so, like any self-respecting teenager, I immediately suspected she simply couldn't handle the sheer force of my flesh.

However, she took another look and then said "I think your willy's bleeding!". I looked down, and using the screen of a Nokia 3210 (reliable phone, great reception) I illuminated my little precious. What looked back at me still disturbs me to this very day. My banjo-string was severed, with what looked like the innards of a recently-hatched pigeon hanging out if it.

I turned the colour of posh pasta and made a not-so-speedy getaway, hobbling back to my dad's house. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I lay in bed, expecting to die, hoping I would do, and yet still not rid of the need to bust a nut.

Old Jakey · 07-09-2015 01:22PM

eeguy wrote: »

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

How can one man be a total **** and a total legend at the same time?

Tompatrick · 07-09-2015 01:28PM

The_Minister wrote: »

FFS, they come with buttons ‽‽

Now I know my mistake.

Sexy buttons man ! Give them a twiddle, a lick and a flick and off ya go....

smash · 07-09-2015 02:13PM

Too many stories about snapped banjo-strings. It's lost the shock factor now.

J Mysterio · 07-09-2015 02:32PM

smash wrote: »

Too many stories about snapped banjo-strings. It's lost the shock factor now.

No, no it hasnt. If you have a penis, even the thought will always be shocking.

Medusa22 · 07-09-2015 02:38PM

J Mysterio wrote: »

No, no it hasnt. If you have a penis, even the thought will always be shocking.

I don't even have a penis and stories like that still make me recoil in horror!

Right Turn Clyde · 07-09-2015 02:43PM

smash wrote: »

Too many stories about snapped banjo-strings. It's lost the shock factor now.

In fairness, I think I've told it a few times on here already, and each time I change around the details for comedic effect. But the truth is that it actually happened and it wasn't funny. Not even a little bit.

smash · 07-09-2015 02:43PM

J Mysterio wrote: »

No, no it hasnt. If you have a penis, even the thought will always be shocking.

Ever had a penile fracture? Now that's a reason to be shocked...

tipptom · 07-09-2015 02:48PM

Right Turn Clyde wrote: »

Here's one from when I was 17. It was the first girl I was ever with, although not my first time in the saddle with her. Anyway, we were going at it in the garden of a funeral home (which should have warned me of the deathly nature of what was to come).

She stopped midway through and then reached down, checked herself and then showed me a bloody hand. She told me she wasn't due her period, so, like any self-respecting teenager, I immediately suspected she simply couldn't handle the sheer force of my flesh.

However, she took another look and then said "I think your willy's bleeding!". I looked down, and using the screen of a Nokia 3210 (reliable phone, great reception) I illuminated my little precious. What looked back at me still disturbs me to this very day. My banjo-string was severed, with what looked like the innards of a recently-hatched pigeon hanging out if it.

I turned the colour of posh pasta and made a not-so-speedy getaway, hobbling back to my dad's house. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I lay in bed, expecting to die, hoping I would do, and yet still not rid of the need to bust a nut.

Good advice about that phone

Armchair Andy · 07-09-2015 03:12PM

Lame in comparison with most here, but here goes...

Went to a knocking shop on the continent back in the 90s with a few of my mates.
We were poor students at the time so was no surprise when one lad Tom asked us could anyone spot him 50 Guilders as he now felt the urge with all the beautiful ladies around(50 Guilders bought you a BJ, 100 the ride). Fair enough someone gives him a few bob.

He goes upstairs with an escort to return fairly soon with a big grin on him "that was daycent lads", problem was he was still frustrated. Especially as more of the mates were returning down after the full works. Cue him borrowing another 50 and returning upstairs with a different lady.
15 minutes later the bouncers come over to our group and ask us to leave. Wtf says us but all becomes clear when we getouton the street and there's Tom in tatters on the road. He had problems reaching climax with lady number 2 and after repeated unsuccessful efforts the escort asked him to leave.OK he says but I want my money back!! Not a hope get out to fuch. No he says I'm entitled to it back.

Bouncers threw him out on the street with little sympathy. Tommy One Time we still call him 20 years later.

Tompatrick · 07-09-2015 03:55PM

emeldc wrote: »

Wha?

He had the bellend in the beak with the shaft in the sex button ring lifting the jug up and down. Was quite the sight till it went wrong.

eisenberg1 · 07-09-2015 09:41PM

Right Turn Clyde wrote: »

Here's one from when I was 17. It was the first girl I was ever with, although not my first time in the saddle with her. Anyway, we were going at it in the garden of a funeral home (which should have warned me of the deathly nature of what was to come).

She stopped midway through and then reached down, checked herself and then showed me a bloody hand. She told me she wasn't due her period, so, like any self-respecting teenager, I immediately suspected she simply couldn't handle the sheer force of my flesh.

However, she took another look and then said "I think your willy's bleeding!". I looked down, and using the screen of a Nokia 3210 (reliable phone, great reception) I illuminated my little precious. What looked back at me still disturbs me to this very day. My banjo-string was severed, with what looked like the innards of a recently-hatched pigeon hanging out if it.

I turned the colour of posh pasta and made a not-so-speedy getaway, hobbling back to my dad's house. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I lay in bed, expecting to die, hoping I would do, and yet still not rid of the need to bust a nut.

Did you ever the saying "she broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hillbilly":D

rawn · 07-09-2015 09:50PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Did you ever the saying "she broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hillbilly":D

:pac::pac::pac:

My fella was with a girl a few years back, they were both locked, he thought he was being deadly cos she was so slippery down there til he got up to turn on the lights and there was blood EVERYWHERE. He is another unfortunate banjo string survivor. There should be a support group.

NeverWaining · 07-09-2015 10:11PM

eeguy wrote: »

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

So your story is your friend called a large girl a heifer, hit her with a stick(!) and made her leave. All because she was overweight.

eeguy wrote: »

...and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

Jesus.

J Mysterio · 07-09-2015 10:16PM

I will have to stop following this thread if we can't get away from the banjo strings. Dear lord! Pukety puke puke

arybvtcw0eolkf · 08-09-2015 12:15AM

J Mysterio wrote: »

I will have to stop following this thread if we can't get away from the banjo strings. Dear lord! Pukety puke puke

I've only just read some of this thread tonight, and had to google 'Penis banjo string'

Hadn't a clue what it was.

Canard · 08-09-2015 12:16AM

Oh god banjo string stories are a new level of horror story! How do so many people not seem to feel it snap?! :eek:
...that thought won't help me get them off my mind :pac:

eeguy · 08-09-2015 01:00AM

Off the topic of banjo strings.

Another night myself and gf at the time were gagging, we took a spin in my Saxo to find a quiet country road where we could be alone.
We drove around and eventually found a lane which came to a dead end at a field.

So with no one in sight, we hopped into the back seat and went at it.

About 5 mins later, another car appeared on the road and pulled up directly behind mine. There it stopped, with the engine and lights on and no one got out.
This freaked the hell out of us so we put our clothes back on (not easy in the confines of that car).

After about a minute of waiting I hopped out to see what was up and I walked over to the other car and saw four lads staring back at me.

Turned out that the road was private and the car was spotted by a farmer who sent his sons down to investigate.

Once we explained ourselves they left us to it, but the moment had passed

Crooked Jack · 08-09-2015 10:22AM

I've already put up my most embarrassing sexual moments so this is just a wee memory that popped into my head reading the thread.

Met up with this beure one night in uni and managed to get back to hers, but she seemed a bit reticent about it, like she was arguing with herself over it. I found out why when we got back to her dorm. Turns out she was a member of the Christian Union. She tossed and turned the whole night between just wanting me to sleep there, to wanting to shift to stopping herself when things were getting hot and heavy. Eventually she worked it out with her God that a topless handjob wouldnt condemn her eternal soul. So she's straddlin me, leanin forward to kiss and yankin on my yogurt cannon at the same time. Dunno if she'd ever seen a dick before.
Anyway,despite the dryness, roughness, lack of rhythm and outright weirdness of the whole situation I was eventually primed to fire. I felt the unmistakable pulse of a few gooey strands of rope being let loose and enjoyed the momentary pleasure while i waited to be brought crashing back to reality with a warm smack on my chest and the usual bother of trying to work it out of my chest hair.........but it never came.
I ran my hand own my belly to check and looked up at her all confused. She didnt even know why i looked so confused and asked was everything alright. It was then she noticed that our lord and saviour, hanging from a chain round her neck and swinging low as she leaned forward to kiss me, had caught the full force of my ejaculate.
She freaked out and took it as some sort of sign and insisted I had to leave immediately. three in the mornin, half cut and about 5 or 6 miles from where I lived with no phone. I ended up having to break into a lecture hall and sleeping on the floor of the projection booth until the buses started again

razorblunt · 08-09-2015 11:47AM

Crooked Jack wrote: »

I've already put up my most embarrassing sexual moments so this is just a wee memory that popped into my head reading the thread.

Met up with this beure one night in uni and managed to get back to hers, but she seemed a bit reticent about it, like she was arguing with herself over it. I found out why when we got back to her dorm. Turns out she was a member of the Christian Union. She tossed and turned the whole night between just wanting me to sleep there, to wanting to shift to stopping herself when things were getting hot and heavy. Eventually she worked it out with her God that a topless handjob wouldnt condemn her eternal soul. So she's straddlin me, leanin forward to kiss and yankin on my yogurt cannon at the same time. Dunno if she'd ever seen a dick before.
Anyway,despite the dryness, roughness, lack of rhythm and outright weirdness of the whole situation I was eventually primed to fire. I felt the unmistakable pulse of a few gooey strands of rope being let loose and enjoyed the momentary pleasure while i waited to be brought crashing back to reality with a warm smack on my chest and the usual bother of trying to work it out of my chest hair.........but it never came.
I ran my hand own my belly to check and looked up at her all confused. She didnt even know why i looked so confused and asked was everything alright. It was then she noticed that our lord and saviour, hanging from a chain round her neck and swinging low as she leaned forward to kiss me, had caught the full force of my ejaculate.
She freaked out and took it as some sort of sign and insisted I had to leave immediately. three in the mornin, half cut and about 5 or 6 miles from where I lived with no phone. I ended up having to break into a lecture hall and sleeping on the floor of the projection booth until the buses started again

Should have told her Jesus died for sins not quims.

Crooked Jack · 08-09-2015 01:53PM

razorblunt wrote: »

Should have told her Jesus died for sins not quims.

Or told her that I will come again

anvilfour · 08-09-2015 03:11PM

Crooked Jack wrote: »

Or told her that I will come again

The Holy Spirit Came upon you both! :-D

Crooked Jack · 08-09-2015 03:14PM

anvilfour wrote: »

The Holy Spirit Came upon you both! :-D

I had a belly full of holy spirits at the time

Your most embarrassing sex story

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