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Child Item

Your most embarrassing sex story

Timmyctc

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

I heard a story from a friend (so take it with a massive dose of salt) But basically this lad who is now in oz pulled, to put it eloquently, a junkie, in a bar then later, during sex she suggested to insert a knotted rope into his back passage as it would "make the orgasm f***ing fantastic" in her words.

Anyways as he was about to finish the job she pulled the rope out and he shat everywhere, grabbed his clothes and paniced and started apologising only to see the junkie woman rolling around in his defecate. He promptly exited the premises and returned home before (for some unbeknownst to me reason he told the rest of the lads he lived with this story)

Personally my embarrassing experience would be I think when I was 15 an older girl wanted to have sex with me I think I unraveled a condom before trying to put it on. Needless to say I didn't lose my virginity that day.

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NeverWaining

eeguy wrote: »

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

So your story is your friend called a large girl a heifer, hit her with a stick(!) and made her leave. All because she was overweight.

eeguy wrote: »

...and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

Jesus.

rawn

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Did you ever the saying "she broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hillbilly":D

:pac::pac::pac:

My fella was with a girl a few years back, they were both locked, he thought he was being deadly cos she was so slippery down there til he got up to turn on the lights and there was blood EVERYWHERE. He is another unfortunate banjo string survivor. There should be a support group.

eisenberg1

Right Turn Clyde wrote: »

Here's one from when I was 17. It was the first girl I was ever with, although not my first time in the saddle with her. Anyway, we were going at it in the garden of a funeral home (which should have warned me of the deathly nature of what was to come).

She stopped midway through and then reached down, checked herself and then showed me a bloody hand. She told me she wasn't due her period, so, like any self-respecting teenager, I immediately suspected she simply couldn't handle the sheer force of my flesh.

However, she took another look and then said "I think your willy's bleeding!". I looked down, and using the screen of a Nokia 3210 (reliable phone, great reception) I illuminated my little precious. What looked back at me still disturbs me to this very day. My banjo-string was severed, with what looked like the innards of a recently-hatched pigeon hanging out if it.

I turned the colour of posh pasta and made a not-so-speedy getaway, hobbling back to my dad's house. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I lay in bed, expecting to die, hoping I would do, and yet still not rid of the need to bust a nut.

Did you ever the saying "she broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hillbilly":D

Tompatrick

emeldc wrote: »

Wha?

He had the bellend in the beak with the shaft in the sex button ring lifting the jug up and down. Was quite the sight till it went wrong.

Armchair Andy

Lame in comparison with most here, but here goes...

Went to a knocking shop on the continent back in the 90s with a few of my mates.
We were poor students at the time so was no surprise when one lad Tom asked us could anyone spot him 50 Guilders as he now felt the urge with all the beautiful ladies around(50 Guilders bought you a BJ, 100 the ride). Fair enough someone gives him a few bob.

He goes upstairs with an escort to return fairly soon with a big grin on him "that was daycent lads", problem was he was still frustrated. Especially as more of the mates were returning down after the full works. Cue him borrowing another 50 and returning upstairs with a different lady.
15 minutes later the bouncers come over to our group and ask us to leave. Wtf says us but all becomes clear when we getouton the street and there's Tom in tatters on the road. He had problems reaching climax with lady number 2 and after repeated unsuccessful efforts the escort asked him to leave.OK he says but I want my money back!! Not a hope get out to fuch. No he says I'm entitled to it back.

Bouncers threw him out on the street with little sympathy. Tommy One Time we still call him 20 years later.

tipptom

Right Turn Clyde wrote: »

Here's one from when I was 17. It was the first girl I was ever with, although not my first time in the saddle with her. Anyway, we were going at it in the garden of a funeral home (which should have warned me of the deathly nature of what was to come).

She stopped midway through and then reached down, checked herself and then showed me a bloody hand. She told me she wasn't due her period, so, like any self-respecting teenager, I immediately suspected she simply couldn't handle the sheer force of my flesh.

However, she took another look and then said "I think your willy's bleeding!". I looked down, and using the screen of a Nokia 3210 (reliable phone, great reception) I illuminated my little precious. What looked back at me still disturbs me to this very day. My banjo-string was severed, with what looked like the innards of a recently-hatched pigeon hanging out if it.

I turned the colour of posh pasta and made a not-so-speedy getaway, hobbling back to my dad's house. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I lay in bed, expecting to die, hoping I would do, and yet still not rid of the need to bust a nut.

Good advice about that phone

smash

J Mysterio wrote: »

No, no it hasnt. If you have a penis, even the thought will always be shocking.

Ever had a penile fracture? Now that's a reason to be shocked...

Right Turn Clyde

smash wrote: »

Too many stories about snapped banjo-strings. It's lost the shock factor now.

In fairness, I think I've told it a few times on here already, and each time I change around the details for comedic effect. But the truth is that it actually happened and it wasn't funny. Not even a little bit.

Medusa22

J Mysterio wrote: »

No, no it hasnt. If you have a penis, even the thought will always be shocking.

I don't even have a penis and stories like that still make me recoil in horror!

J Mysterio

smash wrote: »

Too many stories about snapped banjo-strings. It's lost the shock factor now.

No, no it hasnt. If you have a penis, even the thought will always be shocking.

smash

Too many stories about snapped banjo-strings. It's lost the shock factor now.

Tompatrick

The_Minister wrote: »

FFS, they come with buttons ‽‽

Now I know my mistake.

Sexy buttons man ! Give them a twiddle, a lick and a flick and off ya go....

Old Jakey

eeguy wrote: »

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

How can one man be a total **** and a total legend at the same time?

Right Turn Clyde

Here's one from when I was 17. It was the first girl I was ever with, although not my first time in the saddle with her. Anyway, we were going at it in the garden of a funeral home (which should have warned me of the deathly nature of what was to come).

She stopped midway through and then reached down, checked herself and then showed me a bloody hand. She told me she wasn't due her period, so, like any self-respecting teenager, I immediately suspected she simply couldn't handle the sheer force of my flesh.

However, she took another look and then said "I think your willy's bleeding!". I looked down, and using the screen of a Nokia 3210 (reliable phone, great reception) I illuminated my little precious. What looked back at me still disturbs me to this very day. My banjo-string was severed, with what looked like the innards of a recently-hatched pigeon hanging out if it.

I turned the colour of posh pasta and made a not-so-speedy getaway, hobbling back to my dad's house. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I lay in bed, expecting to die, hoping I would do, and yet still not rid of the need to bust a nut.

smash

emeldc wrote: »

Wha?

nipples... I think

The_Minister

Tompatrick wrote: »

One of the lads brought a lass back to his gaff. They were both fairly jarred. She had her sexy buttons pierced and was wearing large rings. Large enough for yer man to slip his knob through for a kinky BJ. Cue ensuing disaster when he slipped and his hard knob ripped off a sexy button. ! Oucheeeeeee

FFS, they come with buttons ‽‽

Now I know my mistake.

emeldc

Tompatrick wrote: »

One of the lads brought a lass back to his gaff. They were both fairly jarred. She had her sexy buttons pierced and was wearing large rings. Large enough for yer man to slip his knob through for a kinky BJ. Cue ensuing disaster when he slipped and his hard knob ripped off a sexy button. ! Oucheeeeeee

Wha?

Das Kitty

serenity_now wrote: »

So I was at a party in college and met a cute girl, one thing lead to another and I got a bj in the kitchen during which in the throes of passion I nearly took my eye out on a press door and ended up in casualty. No permanent damage thankfully, just a black eye.
Fast fwd 6 months and I'm happily going out with another girl and on a night out we meet up with one of her cousins. Needless to say
we had already been acquainted. I eventually told the new girlfriend the story and we are married now and together 16 years.

I know everyone wants a unique proposal story, but that's pushing it.

What are those?

One of the lads in my school was about to get a BJ and came in his GFs eye unexpectedly which killed the mood as one can imagine,but what was worse was that her eye got infected and she had to wear an eye patch to our school for a number of days so the story broke fairly quick.Insult to injury for your man is that his initials were AK so everyone calls him AK47 to this day as he shoots off unexpectantly

Penny Tration

eeguy wrote: »

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

Your friend is a Cnut.

Medusa22

Blitzkrieger wrote: »

Probably tame by the standards of this thread, but I once... arrived unexpectedly in a girl's mouth. In my defence she could only expect one outcome after blowing me for so long and I gave her two warnings - one at T -90 and another at T -30. Three if you count the "Oh ****!" at T - 0.5. She wasn't happy....

TBH I've never been good at the 'What do you want to do with the jizz' conversation.

I would just assume that swallowing is the default unless someone expresses a different preference?

Tompatrick

One of the lads brought a lass back to his gaff. They were both fairly jarred. She had her sexy buttons pierced and was wearing large rings. Large enough for yer man to slip his knob through for a kinky BJ. Cue ensuing disaster when he slipped and his hard knob ripped off a sexy button. ! Oucheeeeeee

Blitzkrieger

Probably tame by the standards of this thread, but I once... arrived unexpectedly in a girl's mouth. In my defence she could only expect one outcome after blowing me for so long and I gave her two warnings - one at T -90 and another at T -30. Three if you count the "Oh ****!" at T - 0.5. She wasn't happy....

TBH I've never been good at the 'What do you want to do with the jizz' conversation.

kunst nugget

arayess wrote: »

I know the dad well and he is a difficult fella alright.

But in that situation I think he was justified, in fact in hindsight my mate thinks he was right too given his knowledge of the situation.
This happened in the mid 90s.

If your son brought his friend's gf back for a ride in your house behind his friends back , would you be fine with it? Finding out your pal was riding his mate's gf in any case would be a shock. A dig in the head wouldn't be an unreasonable response at 4am to such a shock.

You think your man punching his own son in the face is reasonable and justified? :eek:

I must live a very sheltered life…

arayess

kunst nugget wrote: »

Seriously, if that's true, your mate's da is some dickhead.

I know the dad well and he is a difficult fella alright.

But in that situation I think he was justified, in fact in hindsight my mate thinks he was right too given his knowledge of the situation.
This happened in the mid 90s.

If your son brought his friend's gf back for a ride in your house behind his friends back , would you be fine with it? Finding out your son was riding his mate's gf in any case would be a shock. A dig in the head wouldn't be an unreasonable response at 4am to such a shock.

petrolcan

eeguy wrote: »

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

That's feckin evil!

eeguy

On our 6th year night out we all went to a club. I hooked up with this rather older rather heavy girl and I brought her back to a house party.

We headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms and hopped into bed (my first time in a bed with a girl BTW).

About 2 minutes later and before anything could happen my friend pushed open the door and started hitting the girl with a brush handle saying, in his best Miley from Glenroe accent "Hup hup, come on now ya heifer, out of that bed".

Girl hopped out of bed and out of the house and I got nothing but laughed at for the whole night.

eeguy

I was going out with a girl for a few months and one night I was over at hers.

Her parents are fairly well on and very conservative so I wasn't allowed up to the bedrooms and they were always coming into the living room to make sure we were behaving.
Now she lives in the country and most of her family have houses on the same road, so she mentions her uncle is on holidays and his house is empty. Perfect place to get some alone time.

She gets the spare key and we make our way over to the house in the dark of night.
We get in the door but we can't turn the lights on incase one of the family or neighbours notices them and calls around.

So we're going up the stairs and in the darkness I can make out all these holy pictures and Jesus statues. Fair enough, they're a religious family.

We get to the uncle's bedroom and do the deed.
About 20 mins later when the deed is done, I turn on the bedside lamp to make sure we haven't left any evidence of our visit. As soon as I turn on the light I see a huge picture of the Virgin Mary above the bed, loads of other holy pictures and books around the room.

So I asked the gf what the hell was going on in this house.

She answers "Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. My uncle's a priest".

Birneybau

blueser wrote: »

What is this "sex" that people speak of?

Well Blueser, have you ever seen a gladiator movie?

blueser

What is this "sex" that people speak of?