Man walks into a bar..

Youngblood.III · 03-09-2015 12:14PM

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

newport2 · 03-09-2015 12:17PM

a-guy-walks-into-a-bar.jpg

Youngblood.III · 03-09-2015 12:18PM

What do you want? Asked the bar man
A tachyon walks into a bar.

newport2 · 03-09-2015 12:18PM

........He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

newport2 · 03-09-2015 12:21PM

........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 03-09-2015 02:00PM

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the barman says...

(altogether now)

"Why the long face!"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 03-09-2015 02:02PM

Squirrel walks into a bar, falls over, staggers up to the bar and falls over again. Finally gets up and tries to look the bar man in the face.

"Hass... has... aneeone.... han.. han'ed in some los' keys..."

"No - sorry"

"Dammit... Am... locked out my tree...."

03-09-2015 02:15PM

Boxman wrote: »

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

http://static.fjcdn.com/large/pictures/e6/26/e626a3_2407749.gif

K4t · 03-09-2015 02:26PM

When the Sun Hits wrote: »

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and says, "Yeah, my wife!"

And people wonder why certain attitudes exist to homosexuality.

NachoBusiness · 03-09-2015 02:47PM

A piece of rope walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here, get out you piece of rope!".
The ropes goes out but all his friends are inside and so he rolls around in the dirt, twists himself around, messes his hair up and then walks back into the bar.
The bartender looks long and hard at him and says: "Hang on, weren't you just in here? Aren't you a piece of rope?"
The rope says, "Me? A piece of rope? I'm a frayed knot".

Fatswaldo · 03-09-2015 02:54PM

...with a piece of red tarmac. Bartender says, " im not serving him, he's a cycle path!"

topper75 · 03-09-2015 03:16PM

K4t wrote: »

And people wonder why certain attitudes exist to homosexuality.

Sorry. We don't serve your kind in this thread.

galljga1 · 03-09-2015 03:18PM

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.
They have about 12 pints and a few whiskeys at which point the giraffe collapses.
The man gets up to leave and the barman says "you can't leave that lying there" to which the man replies "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

Cee-Jay-Cee · 03-09-2015 03:40PM

A man walks into a bar, stocks the shelves, tidies the glasses and dusts the furniture because it's his fcuking job.

Boom_Bap · 03-09-2015 03:55PM

A man walks into a bar.....ber shop, gets a terrible haircut nothing like what he wanted. He goes home, make some soup and gently weeps whilst slurping his soup.

NachoBusiness · 03-09-2015 06:26PM

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First scientist smugly says, "I'll have pint of H2O, please barman".

Second scientist laughs and says , "I'll have a pint of H2O too, please barman."

The second scientist died as the barman was also a scientist.

K4t · 03-09-2015 06:29PM

topper75 wrote: »

Sorry. We don't serve your kind in this thread.

Don't worry, I'll just sit and laugh with the funny people-

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Two scientists walk into a bar.

First scientist smugly says, "I'll have pint of H2O, please barman".

Second scientist laughs and says , "I'll have a pint of H2O too, please barman."

The second scientist died as the barman was also a scientist.

PizzamanIRL · 03-09-2015 09:04PM

A man walks into a bar but he wasn't served because he has no ID so he goes home and gets his ID and goes back and gets a drink which costs €3.90. He handed in €10 and got €6.10 change.

ArnoldJRimmer · 03-09-2015 09:10PM

Quasimodo walks into a bar and asks for a whisky.

The barman says 'Sure, Bells ok?'

Quasimodo replies 'Mind your own f*cking business'

dandyelevan · 03-09-2015 09:18PM

...with a alligator on a lead.
'A pint for me an' a dwarf for the Alligator.'

Alligator says 'Ahh no... I think I'll have a pint o' plain instead, 'tis too early to go on the shorts.'

dandyelevan · 03-09-2015 09:21PM

A ghost walks into a Bar but couldn't catch the eye of the busy barman.

'Cripes he says...am I ****in' invisible or somethin'

dandyelevan · 03-09-2015 09:29PM

A Gorilla walked into a Bar and proceeded to wreck the gaff when he was refused a drink.
Eventually, with the help of the regulars he was ejected and the door slammed in his face.

'Jeez, says the drunk barfly sitting at the fire, give a guy a fur coat an' it goes straight to his head.'

NotYourYear20 · 04-09-2015 12:07PM

Melisandre121 wrote: »

Man walks into a bar and has a few casual drinks and an enjoyable night before heading home.

And you point is?

filbert the fox · 04-09-2015 12:20PM

....accompanied by three female sheep. He orders a pint and three whiskeys for the sheep.
You can have your pint the barman says but, looking at the sheep says, but I'm not serving ewes

The Master · 04-09-2015 12:23PM

A Catholic, A Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar

The barman says "Here, is this some sort of joke?"

The Muslim says "Well if it is, I'll be back to murder you all"

Akrasia · 04-09-2015 12:36PM

A rabbit walks into a bar and orders a glass of water and a cheese and ham toasted sandwich

He finishes the sandwich and asks for a chicken and chorizo toasted sandwich

he finishes that and he asks for a tomato and cheese toasted sandwich. He takes one bite and collapses on the floor of the bar

The barman asks him what's wrong and with his dying breath, the rabbit said

Mixed me toasties

Barely There · 04-09-2015 12:51PM

A crab walks into a bar.

Barman say "Get out, we're not serving you"

Crab asks "Why not?"

Barman says "You come in here, giving it all that"

*Note, at this point in the joke the speaker makes an opening/closing motion using the thumbs and fingers of both hands. Not only is this the universal symbol for 'running your mouth off', it also kinda looks like a crab impression.
It's really quite amusing.

dandyelevan · 04-09-2015 01:10PM

Jesus walks into a Bar with the twelve Apostles and orders 13 pint glasses of tap water.
The Barman refused him, saying...'Jeeez are not pullin' that old trick in here Boss.'

dandyelevan · 04-09-2015 01:18PM

An old man walked into his usual haunt and orders a pint o' plain.

The Barman turned pale and stammered...
'Jeez Jack, but you passed away three weeks ago...I was at your Funeral.'

'Oops, sorry, said Jack...but I can't get rid of this bad Habit.'

(guess you had to be there!)

dandyelevan · 04-09-2015 01:20PM

If an orange rolled into a Bar, would he drink lemonade or one of his crushed relatives?
(Always wondered about that)

Man walks into a bar..

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