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How much input does your gf/wife/significant other have in your life choices?

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13

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    #62
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Gerry T wrote: »
    If you were just boyfriend/girlfriend I would understand your viewpoint. But moving forward I think its not right to say here's all the bills, split that down the middle and pay half each. That may leave her with €100 a month disposable income and you €500 a month. So you go buy a car for yourself and say what's she moaning about ? she needs a couple of hundred to fix her car and needs financing and you think she's mad.
    To me that's not a loving relationship, its a business relationship.

    For fcuk sake lads will you listen to yourselves? I never said I'm going to leave her with 100 a month and me with substantially more. What I've said is that she pays a contribution towards the house, not rent! The associated fact of this statement is that she pays less than a third of the bills. And I'm ok with this, hell I've even told her a few times that she doesn't need to give me anything on certain months. This situation leaves her with nice chunk of her wages to spend as she wants, and on many occasion she'd have more than me at the end of the month because I tend to do shopping etc and don't ask her for half of what it cost. I'm buying a car and she didn't have an issue. When the cost of tax came up she got snotty about it. But I can pay it so I don't see the issue, after all it's my disposable income that's being affected.
    dissed doc wrote: »
    She is worried that her share of your income will be diminished when she stops work after you get married or have kids.

    She is not going to stop work after getting married or having kids.


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    #63
    jimgoose
    Registered Users Posts: 20,176 ✭✭✭✭jimgoose


    smash wrote: »
    ...When the cost of tax came up she got snotty about it. But I can pay it so I don't see the issue, after all it's my disposable income that's being affected.

    She's bothered about kitchens and curtains and all this kind of pricey truck that women are into. As I said, the correct answer is above. :D


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    #64
    Ashbx
    Registered Users Posts: 750 ✭✭✭Ashbx


    Firstly, you should really say "my girlfriend has an issue with me buying a car" not my girlfriend is "moaning/nagging".....Its a saying that I find men love to throw around when their partner says something they don't like and its extremely irritating!

    Ok with that rant over, I have been with my boyfriend 11 years - we are unmarried. When it comes to the house/bills/food/dogs everything is split 50/50 as much as we can. When it comes to buying stuff for yourself, you can buy whatever you want with your hard earned money. However, we do always run things by eachoether. Like he'd buy a new pair of runners for himself, grand! But if the purchase was a big one, like a car, of course we would have a chat about it.

    In my opinion, she doesn't have a right to say you cant buy the car but you also don't have a right to buy it without discussing with her first!

    That's my opinion anyway.


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    #65
    Gerry T
    Registered Users Posts: 1,424 ✭✭✭Gerry T


    smash wrote: »
    For fcuk sake lads will you listen to yourselves? I never said I'm going to leave her with 100 a month and me with substantially more. What I've said is that she pays a contribution towards the house, not rent! The associated fact of this statement is that she pays less than a third of the bills. And I'm ok with this, hell I've even told her a few times that she doesn't need to give me anything on certain months. This situation leaves her with nice chunk of her wages to spend as she wants, and on many occasion she'd have more than me at the end of the month because I tend to do shopping etc and don't ask her for half of what it cost. I'm buying a car and she didn't have an issue. When the cost of tax came up she got snotty about it. But I can pay it so I don't see the issue, after all it's my disposable income that's being affected.

    I'm not getting at you, it's just I have a different opinion. Ok I'm nearly 50 and prob have a different perspective than younger people (I'm assuming your in your late 20's or early 30's).
    In my opinion (you don't have to agree) there is no "my" disposable income. There is only "our" disposable income and all large purchases are discussed.
    I would find it strange to have my money and she hers.


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    #66
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


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    #67
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    That's because men hate shopping.

    I heard a news report that said their stress hormones escalate to a fighter pilot in combat when they step inside a shop.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/226489.stm


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    #68
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    smash wrote: »
    For fcuk sake lads will you listen to yourselves? I never said I'm going to leave her with 100 a month and me with substantially more. What I've said is that she pays a contribution towards the house, not rent! The associated fact of this statement is that she pays less than a third of the bills. And I'm ok with this, hell I've even told her a few times that she doesn't need to give me anything on certain months. This situation leaves her with nice chunk of her wages to spend as she wants, and on many occasion she'd have more than me at the end of the month because I tend to do shopping etc and don't ask her for half of what it cost. I'm buying a car and she didn't have an issue. When the cost of tax came up she got snotty about it. But I can pay it so I don't see the issue, after all it's my disposable income that's being affected.



    She is not going to stop work after getting married or having kids.

    To me, you really don't seem ready to get married again. Your attitude to your potential wife is quite shocking, you treat her like she's out to get you and you're safeguarding everything you have.

    You need to get over your ex first and foremost.


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    #69
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Nostro wrote: »
    To me, you really don't seem ready to get married again. Your attitude to your potential wife is quite shocking, you treat her like she's out to get you and you're safeguarding everything you have.

    You need to get over your ex first and foremost.

    I don't treat her like that at all, and I'm well and truly over my ex.


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    #70
    Lemming
    Registered Users Posts: 14,148 ✭✭✭✭Lemming


    Is it just me or does anyone else find the OP's partners behaviour to be quite manipulative? Ok, big purchase; best to at least have a discussion about it as it will ultimately have some repercussion somewhere down the line. But if all is as presented by the OP, then she knew already and didn't have an issue until tax got mentioned; and then suddenly decides she wants a couch. Seeing that the couch demand didn't work she then decides on something even more costly; namely carpets for the house. It all strikes me very much as an engineered excuse to control what the OP spends money on - in this case a car purchase she doesn't agree with.

    Rather than play the manipulation game, she could just come out and say what's bothering her.

    Smash, to give your other half the benefit of the doubt, do either your couch or carpets need changing? Are they looking a bit ragged or otherwise long in the tooth?


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    #71
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    Just get the car and get over it


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    #72
    challengemaster
    Registered Users Posts: 16,931 ✭✭✭✭challengemaster


    fits wrote: »
    Well... Just my opinion but i think cars are an awful waste of money and once safety is ensured their costs are best minimised.
    And thankfully that is just your opinion, otherwise the world would be a very dull place. Smash it seems, like myself, is of the opinion that cars are much more than just boring transport boxes. Buying a car that you enjoy is absolutely not a waste of money.

    smash wrote: »
    I'm buying a car and she didn't have an issue. When the cost of tax came up she got snotty about it. But I can pay it so I don't see the issue, after all it's my disposable income that's being affected.

    This thread got me thinking what the OH would think in the same situation. I'd have pretty much the exact same opinion as you on the matter. So I ran the thread/scenario by her.... and she said "And...? What's the problem". We both agreed that once all bills etc were sorted first, whatever is left is yours to spend how you wish.

    Now, she did raise the point that the only time this wouldn't hold true is if you were (both) saving up for something. Holiday, hotel break, furniture, whatever. If you'd previously agreed that you were going to put money aside for something, and then went and spent all your disposable income on something else - then you're gonna have a bad time.

    And some of the comments on here are ridiculous.


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    #73
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Lemming wrote: »
    Smash, to give your other half the benefit of the doubt, do either your couch or carpets need changing? Are they looking a bit ragged or otherwise long in the tooth?

    Back in the spring I said I'd get a new carpet this year, but the couch is absolutely fine. Neither of us have looked at carpet yet though and it was already agreed that I was spending x on a car. Last time the carpet was mentioned I said we could get one before Christmas.
    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    Just get the car and get over it
    I did get it :)
    challengemaster wrote: »
    This thread got me thinking what the OH would think in the same situation. I'd have pretty much the exact same opinion as you on the matter. So I ran the thread/scenario by her.... and she said "And...? What's the problem". We both agreed that once all bills etc were sorted first, whatever is left is yours to spend how you wish.

    Now, she did raise the point that the only time this wouldn't hold true is if you were (both) saving up for something. Holiday, hotel break, furniture, whatever. If you'd previously agreed that you were going to put money aside for something, and then went and spent all your disposable income on something else - then you're gonna have a bad time.

    That's understandable. "Hey honey, remember we spoke about and saved for that dream wedding? Well surprise! ... I bought a 15yr old Ferrari 360 with gearbox issues!!!!

    For the record, I didn't buy a Ferrari.


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    #74
    dissed doc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,489 ✭✭✭dissed doc


    Lemming wrote: »

    Rather than play the manipulation game, she could just come out and say what's bothering her.

    If she fails to control the finances of the OP at this point, it will have repercussions later. She is simply trying to establish dominance over his money, and it is not as easy as she thought. That is what is bothering her.


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    #75
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,104 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Lemming wrote: »
    Is it just me or does anyone else find the OP's partners behaviour to be quite manipulative? Ok, big purchase; best to at least have a discussion about it as it will ultimately have some repercussion somewhere down the line. But if all is as presented by the OP, then she knew already and didn't have an issue until tax got mentioned; and then suddenly decides she wants a couch. Seeing that the couch demand didn't work she then decides on something even more costly; namely carpets for the house. It all strikes me very much as an engineered excuse to control what the OP spends money on - in this case a car purchase she doesn't agree with.
    TBH that was my take too.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #76
    VisibleGorilla
    Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭VisibleGorilla


    Yes I see it as manipulative and childish.

    She see's it as wasting her money on something she will not use, that could be put to better use for her, simple as that.


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    #77
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,275 ✭✭✭✭fits


    challengemaster wrote: »
    And thankfully that is just your opinion, otherwise the world would be a very dull place. Smash it seems, like myself, is of the opinion that cars are much more than just boring transport boxes. Buying a car that you enjoy is absolutely not a waste of money.

    You can buy a car that you enjoy and still be reasonably sensible about it. (my first car was an old vw scirocco so Im not necessarily into boring transport boxes either)


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    #78
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    fits wrote: »
    You can buy a car that you enjoy and still be reasonably sensible about it. (my first car was an old vw scirocco so Im not necessarily into boring transport boxes either)
    And you can fit 2 people in a single bed but you want a bit of luxury...


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    #79
    Lemming
    Registered Users Posts: 14,148 ✭✭✭✭Lemming


    fits wrote: »
    You can buy a car that you enjoy and still be reasonably sensible about it. (my first car was an old vw scirocco so Im not necessarily into boring transport boxes either)

    Horses for courses fits. What you find interesting will be the next person's instant cure for insomnia.

    If the OP says he can afford the car AND the tax that comes with it AND still afford to keep him & his family under a roof, fed, and kept warm, then is he being unreasonable or not sensible about it?


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    #80
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,275 ✭✭✭✭fits


    Lemming wrote: »

    If the OP says he can afford the car AND the tax that comes with it AND still afford to keep him & his family under a roof, fed, and kept warm, then is he being unreasonable or not sensible about it?

    Not necessarily no. But his partner is entitled to have an opinion about it too.


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    #81
    jimgoose
    Registered Users Posts: 20,176 ✭✭✭✭jimgoose


    fits wrote: »
    You can buy a car that you enjoy and still be reasonably sensible about it. (my first car was an old vw scirocco so Im not necessarily into boring transport boxes either)

    Some people consider a two-year-old 2l diesel Volkswagen on 0% PCP and Chape Tax, Bass to be the height of motoring perfection and about as sensible as you'll find outside of a Chipping Norton Ladies Auxiliary AGM. Others (and we are in something of a minority, I'll give you that) prefer an older, high-spec vehicle paid for in cash at a reasonable price, and expensive tax and a bit of a thirst is simply a partial trade-off. Personally, I could fill the place with brand-new cars on finance on Monday morning, but the truth is I would shave my head with a cheesegrater first. I drive a sixteen-year-old 3l Jaguar with nearly 160,000 miles on it that is a thoroughly beautiful machine, owes me nothing, runs like a new Rolls Royce and is more powerful, cleaner-burning and better specced than 90% of cars on the road. It is an expensive old Mildred, particularly from the point of view of motor tax, but it gives back and awful lot. Every boring commute is a treat, every boring diesel VW driver (with his white T-shirt, shaved head and perma-scowl :D) is in the rear-view mirror, and that hideously expensive paint and lacquered walnut never fails to bring a smile to my puss. Unlike smash I hadn't the stones to go for a 4.2l V8 when I bought it, more's the pity. :pac::pac::pac:

    I have a mate who fancies himself as a bit of a whole-earth, eco-warrior type and he decided to be offended about my big, comfortable, gas-guzzling old sofa with it's powerful aircon. Then one scorching July afternoon a couple of years ago I gave him a lift into town. The usual Psalm started, until the Jaaag whispered off down the road, cabin at a crisp, clean 21C and the lecture tailed off. "I'm quite.... sort of... comfortable..." he said, guiltily. :pac:

    I should also point out that there is no more environmentally sound car that one that was manufactured 16 years ago and shows no sign of stopping, runs properly, on petrol and uses no Polonium Sulphide batteries or anything like that. As opposed to endless brand-new carcinogen-spewing shítboxes and people falling over each other to indenture themselves for years to pay for them.

    Happy motoring!


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    #82
    Shelga
    Registered Users Posts: 3,002 ✭✭✭Shelga


    I don't see the big deal. Some of the responses seem to be overthinking things.

    If joint expenses are more than covered, with the OP contributed more proportionally as he earns more, why shouldn't he have his car.

    If I ever live with/marry someone and they start moaning that I shouldn't buy that nice handbag/holiday with the girls/motorbike/whatever, well, I wouldn't be with someone like that.

    It's important to put work into building a life together and taking the other person into consideration, but it's equally important in my opinion to never lose sight of the fact that you're your own person and can do and buy and say as you please if it doesn't hurt someone else.

    The only time it changes is if you have children, and buying something like that will directly impact something that needs to be bought for the kids.


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    #83
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    I got the text of the century 15 minutes ago:

    "Can I borrow your car tomorrow to show my parents?"


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    #84
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


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    #85
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 37,603 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    jimgoose wrote: »
    FYP! :pac:

    You've been warned about this before. Enough.

    We sat again for an hour and a half discussing maps and figures and always getting back to that most damnable creation of the perverted ingenuity of man - the County of Tyrone.

    H. H. Asquith



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    #86
    boobar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,226 ✭✭✭boobar


    Well I'm married now a good few years, but when myself and Mrs Boobar weren't married and living together we split all bills 50/50.

    Fast forward a few years and a few promotions for me and we have a child now, and I'm on a lot more money so I cover most of the bills.

    But we both have money left after all the bills, so we don't get in to arguments over who bought shoes (her) or a new gadget(me).

    Saying that she does run out of money each month, and then looks to me for a loan, but sure nobody's prefect right? And I'm pretty sure I have a few annoying habits that she won't go on about....mainly because she owes me 50 quid until she gets paid!


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    #87
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    boobar wrote: »
    Saying that she does run out of money each month, and then looks to me for a loan, but sure nobody's prefect right? And I'm pretty sure I have a few annoying habits that she won't go on about....mainly because she owes me 50 quid until she gets paid!

    Do you seriously "Loan" money to your wife until she gets paid? :D


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    #88
    boobar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,226 ✭✭✭boobar


    smash wrote: »
    Do you seriously "Loan" money to your wife until she gets paid? :D

    Paid back in brownie points sometimes ...true...


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    #89
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    I think your girlfriend is being entirely unreasonable.

    It appears that you pay for all big purchases, she contributes significantly less than you to the household, even in terms of grocery shopping, and she moans at you for buying something you want and can afford, then after accepting that, tells you she wants new couches which are unneeded and new carpets?

    Sounds to me like she wants her money as hers and your money as 'ours.'

    My partner and I, when we move in together (he's already asked me), have agreed to do our finances this way - joint account for bills/rent, where we both contribute amounts equally proportionate to our incomes (eg, I earn more than him at the moment, so I will contribute more financially, and if he goes back to being the bigger earner, he will contribute more). Household expenses for day to day things like groceries, we'll both buy as necessary, depending on who has money at the time.

    The rest - our own money, in our own accounts. Realistically, we SHOULD have similar amounts of disposable income if things are being split based on our personal incomes, but if one person is short one month, the other will help out more financially.

    It will be this way when we marry, too. We see our money as ours, in that we would never leave the other stuck (and indeed, I pay for more things at the moment because I'm in a better position financially, and make sure we both have fairly equal disposable income by paying more for things than he does), but equally understand that each of us deserve to be able to have some money to spend or save as we choose.

    Is your girlfriend going to contribute to these couches or carpets? She should at least be paying a fair portion of the cost, related to the disparity in both of your incomes.

    But, long post aside, I think she's simply trying to control your money, as well as her own, while being quite passive aggressive.


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    #90
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Jenny Thalia wrote: »
    Is your girlfriend going to contribute to these couches or carpets? She should at least be paying a fair portion of the cost, related to the disparity in both of your incomes.

    I told her to make a list and we'd budget for it. She told me she can't really afford it so could a portion of what she contributes go into the budget for it... I guess it's true when you say what's hers is hers and what's mine is ours and that's what I want her to snap out of. There's a constant line of "I have to watch my money" when I mention split costs.


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    #91
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    smash wrote: »
    I told her to make a list and we'd budget for it. She told me she can't really afford it so could a portion of what she contributes go into the budget for it... I guess it's true when you say what's hers is hers and what's mine is ours and that's what I want her to snap out of. There's a constant line of "I have to watch my money" when I mention split costs.

    That's a very unfair way for her to be demanding things be done.

    If you earn 2/3 of your combined income and she 1/3, then I'd split big purchases 2/3 you and 1/3 her. It seems she doesn't even want to do this and plays the poor mouth though? If I'm correct in thinking that, then I'd be holding off on even considering marriage if she's not willing to contribute a proportionally equal amount.


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