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How much input does your gf/wife/significant other have in your life choices?

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24

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    #32
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Stheno wrote: »
    Ok maybe I should have phrased it differently. Is it the first time youve shopped together for something big since you moved in?
    No, we were living together when she bought her car.


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    #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    smash wrote: »
    Something got me thinking about this yesterday. I'm getting a new car and the gf had a bit of a mood because of the running costs... What's mine is mine and what's hers is hers and that's how I want to keep it, even if we get married.

    I've made the mistake in the past of sharing everything and I always ended up with less than I would if bills etc would have been split 50/50.

    I can quite confidently predict this relationship won't last.

    I am married 6 years now. From day one, before we were married or had children, our money was effectively pooled. Bills were split, we took turns on nights etc. Luckily neither of us are flash and we have same disrespect for making loads of cash. At the time she earned a lot more than me too.

    Now she looks after our two kids at home while I work. What we have is ours, not mine. I would never do her the disrespect of claiming it's mine because I earned it. It goes into one account we share and any big individual purchases we talk about casually.

    Money comes and money goes, but a good relationship will endure all of what is a very trivial thing in the grand scheme of things.


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    #34
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,112 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Looking back it depended on the individual. With the equal type relationships then we would be very open with each other, so long as it remained that two way street. I respected their opinion. With the ones where it was "my money is mine, your money is ours", then I almost never consulted them. I found it got one nowhere. If anything it made things easier. Now these were the type of women who no matter how outwardly confident and together they appear assume at the back of their minds that some "daddy" will always be there to bail them out, whether that be her actual da, you, society who and whatever. I can pick em mind you, your milage may vary. :D

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #35
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Nostro wrote: »
    I can quite confidently predict this relationship won't last.

    I am married 6 years now. From day one, before we were married or had children, our money was effectively pooled. Bills were split, we took turns on nights etc. Luckily neither of us are flash and we have same disrespect for making loads of cash. At the time she earned a lot more than me too.

    Now she looks after our two kids at home while I work. What we have is ours, not mine. I would never do her the disrespect of claiming it's mine because I earned it. It goes into one account we share and any big individual purchases we talk about casually.

    Money comes and money goes, but a good relationship will endure all of what is a very trivial thing in the grand scheme of things.

    That's a pretty insulting post. And it's wrong in my opinion. I'm 3 years separated and in that relationship our money was pooled. She took advantage of that fact and over spent regularly.

    This time I'm looking at it differently and it will only become pooled once we get married.


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    #36
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    smash wrote: »
    That's a pretty insulting post. And it's wrong in my opinion. I'm 3 years separated and in that relationship our money was pooled. She took advantage of that fact and over spent regularly.

    This time I'm looking at it differently and it will only become pooled once we get married.

    It appears fair and just, but on another level you might be rubbing it in her face that she has much less sovereignty than you do, and when the lack of parity becomes evident, trouble is down the line....

    You'll either have to learn to be more sensitive or she'll have to learn to tolerate it.

    If and when you have children, her mindset will change.... It is quite typical of both wives and custodial parents to fight for resources for the home and kids.


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    #37
    _Brian
    Registered Users Posts: 18,522 ✭✭✭✭_Brian


    We pool all money, it's all paid into one account and becomes "ours". We both have debit cards for it, we have credit cards for one account. Bills are just paid from the account.

    Purchasing a car is up to the individual but would be discussed. I wanted a jeep that has €900+ motor tax, fine. Herself wanted a Mondeo Zetec 2.0, fine.

    20 years married next month so it seems to work fine for us.


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    #38
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,243 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    smash wrote: »
    . . . This time I'm looking at it differently and it will only become pooled once we get married.
    Again, discuss this with her, if you haven't already (and forgive me for even mentioning it if you have).

    Back in post #21 you say that the two of you plan on marrying at a future date and you have an idea as to when that might be, and that she's happy about that. But, if she doesn't understand that your attitude to sharing financial resources and financial decisions is connected with whether you're married or not, that might explain why she's unhappy with your attitude towards the car purchase. Perhaps she thinks that a fully shared approach is appropriate once you have agreed to marry, rather then not until you are actually married?

    (And of course it's possible that opening up this conversation will cause her to revisit the question of whether she is happy to wait all that long before marrying. But cross that bridge when you come to it.)


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    #39
    irelandrover
    Registered Users Posts: 3,722 ✭✭✭irelandrover


    Nostro wrote: »
    I can quite confidently predict this relationship won't last.

    I am married 6 years now. From day one, before we were married or had children, our money was effectively pooled. Bills were split, we took turns on nights etc. Luckily neither of us are flash and we have same disrespect for making loads of cash. At the time she earned a lot more than me too.

    Now she looks after our two kids at home while I work. What we have is ours, not mine. I would never do her the disrespect of claiming it's mine because I earned it. It goes into one account we share and any big individual purchases we talk about casually.

    Money comes and money goes, but a good relationship will endure all of what is a very trivial thing in the grand scheme of things.

    So what you're saying is the only way to a successful relationship is to do it the exact same way as you? Your last line also contradicts the rest of your post. Saying that money is trivial and that a relationship will endure it but also claiming the OP's relationship will fail based on this trivial matter.

    OP, does she buy things for the house? It appears that she wants to share in the house such as suggesting that ye need new couches but yet she expects you to pay for the couches. I'd suggest a conversation over how ye see the finances working.

    Myself and my wife worked out what we needed to cover our monthly expenses. We both transfer a set amount based on our wages into a joint account. It works for us as our finances are pooled but at the same time we also have our own fun money.


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    #40
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


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    #41
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Peregrinus wrote: »
    Back in post #21 you say that the two of you plan on marrying at a future date and you have an idea as to when that might be, and that she's happy about that. But, if she doesn't understand that your attitude to sharing financial resources and financial decisions is connected with whether you're married or not, that might explain why she's unhappy with your attitude towards the car purchase. Perhaps she thinks that a fully shared approach is appropriate once you have agreed to marry, rather then not until you are actually married?
    It's a funny one. I've been thinking about it a good bit since starting this thread and reading the other similar thread. Obviously finance is a big deal in any relationship. Right now I'm good financially and the result of that is that we're doing good as a couple. But in saying that, I'm not willing to just lump all earnings together and let her go at it. In the same way that a lot of guys just let their wives handle the finances, I want to handle the finances. I don't think it's a big ask considering I'm the prominent earner.
    irelandrover wrote: »
    OP, does she buy things for the house? It appears that she wants to share in the house such as suggesting that ye need new couches but yet she expects you to pay for the couches. I'd suggest a conversation over how ye see the finances working.
    She buys bits and pieces for decoration, but I've had the discussion with her regarding furniture or more expensive items. So far I've purchased all that and I'd feel a bit stingy saying "If you want it, save for it" when it's going to benefit both of us. But at the same time, I'm not going to ask how high when she tells me to jump. If something is a need or even just a want, it will be considered, discussed and budgeted for.


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    #42
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.
    I have a year to go before the divorce so that's where the time line comes in for getting married in future. She knows this and she's fine with it.

    I'm also not leaving her in limbo financially, I never would. I don't think that I'm treating her unfair in any way either, she doesn't want for anything. (except maybe a couch but she only mentioned that a few days ago).


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    #43
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,299 ✭✭✭✭fits


    Well... Just my opinion but i think cars are an awful waste of money and once safety is ensured their costs are best minimised. We both drive ten year old cars and have no intention of replacing them any time soon.


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    #44
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    fits wrote: »
    Well... Just my opinion but i think cars are an awful waste of money and once safety is ensured their costs are best minimised. We both drive ten year old cars and have no intention of replacing them any time soon.
    Ok, well lets forget about the car for a minute. Just pretend it's a gym membership or something.


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    #45
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,299 ✭✭✭✭fits


    smash wrote: »
    Ok, well lets forget about the car for a minute. Just pretend it's a gym membership or something.

    Well it is kind of relevant though. They depreciate like mad, guzzle fuel, etc. Saw an estimate yesterday that they can cost 10000 a year to run. Its the second biggest expense in peoples lives after housing. So if ye are serious as a couple and about a future together she has every right to have an opinion on it. I am sure you can come to a compromise somehow.


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    #46
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    fits wrote: »
    Well it is kind of relevant though. They depreciate like mad, guzzle fuel, etc. Saw an estimate yesterday that they can cost 10000 a year to run. Its the second biggest expense in peoples lives after housing. So if ye are serious as a couple and about a future together she has every right to have an opinion on it. I am sure you can come to a compromise somehow.

    Not really. There's no expense coming out of her pocket for it. It might be higher to tax than her car but I can afford it and in most other regards it's far more practical than her car which she bought last year and I didn't moan about it.

    Anyway, she's over the car now. Today she wants a new carpet for the hall, stairs and landing.

    I swear if I was reading my own posts I'd think it was a troll, but this is true.


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    #47
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,243 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    smash wrote: »
    It's a funny one. I've been thinking about it a good bit since starting this thread and reading the other similar thread. Obviously finance is a big deal in any relationship. Right now I'm good financially and the result of that is that we're doing good as a couple. But in saying that, I'm not willing to just lump all earnings together and let her go at it. In the same way that a lot of guys just let their wives handle the finances, I want to handle the finances. I don't think it's a big ask considering I'm the prominent earner.
    Ah, look, obviously the right solution here is the one that works for both of you, and I'm not saying that X or Y or Z is that solution. All I'm saying that the situation you have at present clearly isn't working for both of you.

    It doesn't follow, though, that the alternative is "just lump all earnings together and let her go at it". This isn't a simple binary where either you decide or she decides.


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    #48
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,243 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    You say this:
    smash wrote: »
    Anyway, she's over the car now.
    But then you immediately say this:
    smash wrote: »
    Today she wants a new carpet for the hall, stairs and landing.
    I have news for you, smash. She isn't over the car yet. ;)


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    #49
    miamee
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,081 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    smash wrote: »
    Not really. There's no expense coming out of her pocket for it. It might be higher to tax than her car but I can afford it and in most other regards it's far more practical than her car which she bought last year and I didn't moan about it.

    Anyway, she's over the car now. Today she wants a new carpet for the hall, stairs and landing.

    I swear if I was reading my own posts I'd think it was a troll, but this is true.

    You've said a few times that you'd never leave her short of money if she needs/wants something so presumably you help her out financially from time to time with things. Is it possible that she views this as you both having 'shared' resources whereas you still view it as you giving her a helping hand with her finances? If she thinks you are sharing, she'd feel that she had a right to an opinion on what your 'family income' (for want of a better phrase) was being spent on. Just a thought that occurred to me when reading your latest post there, I could be way off :)


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    #50
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    I think she's just bored at home being on summer holidays and that. Can't wait for her to go back to work next week! :D
    miamee wrote: »
    You've said a few times that you'd never leave her short of money if she needs/wants something so presumably you help her out financially from time to time with things. Is it possible that she views this as you both having 'shared' resources whereas you still view it as you giving her a helping hand with her finances? If she thinks you are sharing, she'd feel that she had a right to an opinion on what your 'family income' (for want of a better phrase) was being spent on. Just a thought that occurred to me when reading your latest post there, I could be way off :)

    But I've also said she knew I was buying a car and didn't have any issues until the cost of tax arose. Which for me isn't an issue, and I've said this to her.


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    #51
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


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    #52
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    I've heard that usually it's women who make the financial decisions in relationships. I've no idea why, but you certainly see a lot of advertising aimed at women.

    In our house, it's fairly even I think. We discuss large purchases, like houses, cars, holidays, and come to an agreement.

    Cars do cost an absolute fortune. We have budget estimates going for a long time. We log expenses and chart them (my husband REALLY likes excel :D). Vehicle expenses for our 12 year old petrol car were starting to be on the crazy side. Including tax, insurance, fuel, parking, and maintenance we were running one very old car for an average of about 500 euro per month. Fuel and maintenance were the big ones. We ran the same numbers for our electric car. Wiped out the fuel cost by 95%, tax down by 70%, maintenance almost nil, parking cost gone, tolls gone, and even our insurance dropped. No brainer for us.

    But we discussed that together, as a unit, with an aim to reducing our costs. If I had gone off and bought a new petrol car, vastly increasing our monthly outgoings without letting him even have a say in it? Well, I would consider that very disrespectful.


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    #53
    ancapailldorcha
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 37,935 CMod ✭✭✭✭ancapailldorcha


    pwurple wrote: »
    I've heard that usually it's women who make the financial decisions in relationships. I've no idea why, but you certainly see a lot of advertising aimed at women.

    The standard family model for a long time involved Dad going off to work while Mum did the shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc... I'm thinking that this caused children to grow up thinking that this is the norm.

    We sat again for an hour and a half discussing maps and figures and always getting back to that most damnable creation of the perverted ingenuity of man - the County of Tyrone.

    H. H. Asquith



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    #54
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


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    #55
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,299 ✭✭✭✭fits


    ^ holy moley! Never expected those figures.


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    #56
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,112 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Apparently the gender shift is the largest such shift in personal finance in history though it's not reported much. Hardly surprising though Fits as advertising is much more aimed at women than at men. It follows the money as it were.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #57
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


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    #58
    Gerry T
    Registered Users Posts: 1,432 ✭✭✭Gerry T


    If you were just boyfriend/girlfriend I would understand your viewpoint. But moving forward I think its not right to say here's all the bills, split that down the middle and pay half each. That may leave her with €100 a month disposable income and you €500 a month. So you go buy a car for yourself and say what's she moaning about ? she needs a couple of hundred to fix her car and needs financing and you think she's mad.
    To me that's not a loving relationship, its a business relationship.
    But you did say you were hurt in your previous relationship and you did say you would pool when married so I'm guessing your relationship is transitioning from shared to pooled. It just sounds like she's ahead of you in that transition.

    If I told my wife I was going away with the lads or buying myself a car and then could't afford a couch beacuse she couldn't afford her half, I would get a swift kick !


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    #59
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,112 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.
    +1. I suspect that this spending power along those gender lines and in certain areas has been with us pretty much since the rise of the consumer society. Looking at my parents and the parents of friends and rellies(who would be more like most people here's grandparents generation) the women made the purchasing decisions as far as the household stuff went. Even regarding cars. An uncle of mine who was into his 50's and 60's sportscars when they were current suddenly came down with a bad case of the four doors just after he got married and well before the first kid came along. Ireland was and is quite the matriarchal society mind you. Not in an overt way, but much more than say England for example.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #60
    dissed doc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,489 ✭✭✭dissed doc


    smash wrote: »
    Don't get me wrong, she earns less than me so I'd never see her short of money but in the same regard I don't think she should be moaning about something that I'll be paying for. Especially when it will benefit her too. It's not like I'll be asking her to fork out for the costs.

    She is worried that her share of your income will be diminished when she stops work after you get married or have kids.


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    #61
    jimgoose
    Registered Users Posts: 20,176 ✭✭✭✭jimgoose


    I happen to know what kind of car it is, and the answer is: V8. V8 V8 V8, woman!! :cool:


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