I think my partner was with a prostitute.

strandroad · 14-08-2015 07:26AM

I'm so sorry OP... I hope that you can get through this. And it's good that the friend told you all of this now, you could have spent years not knowing.

I don't think going to the club will prove much as he'll simply say that they changed their plans and went to club B. Unless you get him to tell you about the fantastic time at club A first?

Bananaleaf · 14-08-2015 07:54AM

Yes, make sure he admits to being at club A first

Gongoozler · 14-08-2015 07:56AM

If it was me, I wouldn't be going to the golf club. I'd either follow him, and get some photographs evidence, so that he doesn't try fleece you in the divorce, or I'd take the opportunity to change the locks and dump his stuff outside.

duffman13 · 14-08-2015 08:02AM

Horrible situation OP, I don't know if you got a solution for someone to ring those numbers but I can do a search on them or call them for you if you want. I'd echo what others have said to try and be 100% sure before you confront him.

CaraMay · 14-08-2015 08:09AM

Op I would always be one to advocate maintaining your dignity but in this scenario you need to know. Will he definitely be in his own car? You have to go to golf club and check out that story. Otherwise he will spin you a line. My heart breaks for you but have you figured out what you are going to do if he's guilty?

auldgranny · 14-08-2015 08:17AM

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I would always be one to advocate maintaining your dignity but in this scenario you need to know. Will he definitely be in his own car? You have to go to golf club and check out that story. Otherwise he will spin you a line. My heart breaks for you but have you figured out what you are going to do if he's guilty?

He will be in his own car, yes. It's a great cover in a way because I saw him pack all his toiletries to shower last night and I was thinking it's a good excuse for bringing them all. I don't know what i am going to do to be honest. Maybe just leave.

Ave Sodalis · 14-08-2015 08:19AM

OP, if he had to fill another guys place, was there a booking? Could you confirm the booking?

CaraMay · 14-08-2015 08:23AM

auldgranny wrote: »

He will be in his own car, yes. It's a great cover in a way because I saw him pack all his toiletries to shower last night and I was thinking it's a good excuse for bringing them all. I don't know what i am going to do to be honest. Maybe just leave.

Yeah and tell the other wives on the way out. If this turns out to be true then that girl did you a huge favour. Best if luck op I'll be thinking of you.

CaraMay · 14-08-2015 08:24AM

sup_dude wrote: »

OP, if he had to fill another guys place, was there a booking? Could you confirm the booking?

You can book a tee time and not show up.

CiboC · 14-08-2015 08:59AM

Just to put in a opposing view, it still sounds fairly implausible to me....

The line is that this is a group of lads who regularly arrange to visit prostitutes and cover each other by claiming to be playing golf at the time...?

If a guy is going to visit a prostitute (and I have friends who have done, some regularly), they generally would keep it as discrete as possible to avoid being found out. Having a large group of people knowing about it seems to be a particularly stupid idea. If he was doing this there is no need to arrange cover with a group lads surely? If he was doing this intermittently and was being reasonably careful it would be much more difficult to find out, no?

Even the phone thing seems odd - I know that the golden rule seems to be to have a second phone that you make any calls from to avoid any awkward to explain numbers appearing on your legitimate phone...?

All I am saying is don't jump to conclusions too quickly, perhaps he knows about what the 'group' do but doesn't actually take part...? It is perfectly possible, I have been in these situations myself. The fact that his car is / is not in the golf club does not automatically mean he is with a hooker...

magicmushroom · 14-08-2015 09:13AM

I really want you to find out the truth here but I'm wary about you going to the golf club.

What if he is there and he sees you? Or one of his friends sees you and tells him? What could you possibly say to explain why you are there?

I think you're far better off speaking to the woman again to find out in more detail about her claims and then confronting him with the information.

OR taking up duffman13's offer of calling the number of the girl for you and seeing if she is a prostitute or not.

CaraMay · 14-08-2015 09:13AM

Ciboc you are contradicting yourself. If people keep it quiet then how do you know about all your friends who go?

auldgranny · 14-08-2015 09:21AM

CiboC wrote: »

Just to put in a opposing view, it still sounds fairly implausible to me....

The line is that this is a group of lads who regularly arrange to visit prostitutes and cover each other by claiming to be playing golf at the time...?

If a guy is going to visit a prostitute (and I have friends who have done, some regularly), they generally would keep it as discrete as possible to avoid being found out. Having a large group of people knowing about it seems to be a particularly stupid idea. If he was doing this there is no need to arrange cover with a group lads surely? If he was doing this intermittently and was being reasonably careful it would be much more difficult to find out, no?

Even the phone thing seems odd - I know that the golden rule seems to be to have a second phone that you make any calls from to avoid any awkward to explain numbers appearing on your legitimate phone...?

All I am saying is don't jump to conclusions too quickly, perhaps he knows about what the 'group' do but doesn't actually take part...? It is perfectly possible, I have been in these situations myself. The fact that his car is / is not in the golf club does not automatically mean he is with a hooker...

I know it is implausible, it's the one thing makes me think it can't be true. my husband is exactly the type of person who wouldn't tell anyone what he got as a present so him allowing others to know this would be completely out of character for him. But all I can do is see what happens tonight and take it from there.

auldgranny · 14-08-2015 09:24AM

Roastlambshank wrote: »

OP how is your six life? I don't say that to be nosy, just that some couples don't have sex for months at a time, if that were the case I would be more willing to forgive him. Obviously your call.

Our sex life is not great, we haven't been having sex for a while but he has been the one refusing sex. He does work hard though so I presumed it was stress and tiredness.

ShaShaBear · 14-08-2015 09:32AM

The whole thing she is feeding you smacks of weird. And if it all turns out that he is playing golf and isn't with a prostitute, you are probably going to end up looking like a serious nutcase when you show up at that golf course.

You should have said straight out to him "Well, golf instead of the cinema. Yeah actually, I DO want you not to go. <SNIP> told me that you go with all the lads to pay women for sex, what do you have to say to that?"

As people have already said, his answer will say it all. Chances are (if he's guilty), he'll explode in a rain of blame. Blaming <SNIP>, blaming the other lads and even blaming you. The appropriate response would be outrage, disgust, utter shock and a very angry phonecall to <SNIP> in your presence to find out what the hell she is playing at.

And whatever you do, do NOT tell all the rest of the wives!!
Oh lawd, can you imagine the horror if they all follow you out to find their men in the middle of an actual round of golf?

CaraMay · 14-08-2015 09:33AM

auldgranny wrote: »

I know it is implausible, it's the one thing makes me think it can't be true. my husband is exactly the type of person who wouldn't tell anyone what he got as a present so him allowing others to know this would be completely out of character for him. But all I can do is see what happens tonight and take it from there.

Did <SNIP> know he went to one before you met? If so, how?

auldgranny · 14-08-2015 09:35AM

ShaShaBear wrote: »

The whole thing she is feeding you smacks of weird. And if it all turns out that he is playing golf and isn't with a prostitute, you are probably going to end up looking like a serious nutcase when you show up at that golf course.

You should have said straight out to him "Well, golf instead of the cinema. Yeah actually, I DO want you not to go. <SNIP> told me that you go with all the lads to pay women for sex, what do you have to say to that?"

As people have already said, his answer will say it all. Chances are (if he's guilty), he'll explode in a rain of blame. Blaming <SNIP> , blaming the other lads and even blaming you. The appropriate response would be outrage, disgust, utter shock and a very angry phonecall to <SNIP> in your presence to find out what the hell she is playing at.

And whatever you do, do NOT tell all the rest of the wives!!
Oh lawd, can you imagine the horror if they all follow you out to find their men in the middle of an actual round of golf?

I am not going to tell anybody anything yet. I need to find out for myself if it is true first. I think you are all right, showing up at the golf club would be weird. I am thinking of hiring someone to just follow him and take pictures.

CaraMay · 14-08-2015 09:41AM

auldgranny wrote: »

I am not going to tell anybody anything yet. I need to find out for myself if it is true first. I think you are all right, showing up at the golf club would be weird. I am thinking of hiring someone to just follow him and take pictures.

For tonight?

auldgranny · 14-08-2015 09:43AM

CaraMay wrote: »

For tonight?

Yes well if it was the local golf club I would be able to come up with some excuse for being there but not this one. Too far away and not in the same direction as any of my family and friends.

Don't you think it is a good idea?

Neyite · 14-08-2015 09:43AM

auldgranny wrote: »

Our sex life is not great, we haven't been having sex for a while but he has been the one refusing sex. He does work hard though so I presumed it was stress and tiredness.

Don't even THINK of taking on any blame yourself that he is using sex services (that's if this seems to be true). Many, many men have sex droughts in relationships for a myriad of reasons ranging from emotional issues to medical issues and would never dream of cheating on their wives.

People cheat because they want to. They cheat because they have justified it to themselves and have no conscience or remorse. Depending on your personal point of view, the ethics of using a working girl to cheat may add another layer of hurt to the situation, as does the fact that using a working girl shows intent as opposed to getting drunk and getting off with someone in a club while wasted.

I'm not sure what to advise you about tonight. I'm the kind of person who would probably go to the golf club, and draft in a friend who he didn't know to see where he goes to. I'm also the kind of person who would tell the other wives what he did while he was with their husbands and let them make informed decisions about their relationships. But you have to deal with this your way, not the way we might.

Can you plan an overnight stay with a friend so you don't have to face him when he comes home? Do you have real-life support? Someone who can keep you company tonight whatever you decide to do?

CiboC · 14-08-2015 09:43AM

CaraMay wrote: »

Ciboc you are contradicting yourself. If people keep it quiet then how do you know about all your friends who go?

I never said I know about ALL my friends who go.....!

I know of one who has gone regularly. I know of another who has gone very irregularly. In both cases I happen to have been with them on some of these occasions so that is how I know, and have asked them about fear of being caught out afterwards.

I am not trying to make excuses for the guy in question here, but as the implications of getting it wrong are so serious you need to make sure of the facts before deciding to act....

magicmushroom · 14-08-2015 09:47AM

auldgranny wrote: »

I am not going to tell anybody anything yet. I need to find out for myself if it is true first. I think you are all right, showing up at the golf club would be weird. I am thinking of hiring someone to just follow him and take pictures.

Can you not just talk to him??
I'm really baffled as to why you feel the need to follow him, or hire someone else to and take pictures - it's like something out of a film??

I think the fact that you can't just talk to him says quite a lot about the relationship. The way you're thinking of dealing with it all is a bit odd, and OTT in my opinion.

Sorry, I really don't mean to be harsh - you have my sympathy and I would love for you to find out the truth but seriously, you're starting to sound a little strange to me - he is your husband, just confront him!!

Neyite · 14-08-2015 09:53AM

magicmushroom wrote: »

Can you not just talk to him??
I'm really baffled as to why you feel the need to follow him, or hire someone else to and take pictures - it's like something out of a film??

I think the fact that you can't just talk to him says quite a lot about the relationship. The way you're thinking of dealing with it all is a bit odd, and OTT in my opinion.

Sorry, I really don't mean to be harsh - you have my sympathy and I would love for you to find out the truth but seriously, you're starting to sound a little strange to me - he is your husband, just confront him!!

He'll just deny it. Most will unless confronted with evidence.

OP, I've just had another thought - and maybe a crazy one, so feel free to disregard. Though you might not want to talk to someone outside of C and your friends right now - the other wife in the marriage that supposedly failed due to prostitution use, what about talking to her? Would you know her well enough to talk to? She might have tracked down her OH back then and if this is a regular group who 'golf' then chances are she might already have evidence on your OH that you need?

auldgranny · 14-08-2015 10:01AM

Neyite wrote: »

He'll just deny it. Most will unless confronted with evidence.

OP, I've just had another thought - and maybe a crazy one, so feel free to disregard. Though you might not want to talk to someone outside of C and your friends right now - the other wife in the marriage that supposedly failed due to prostitution use, what about talking to her? Would you know her well enough to talk to? She might have tracked down her OH back then and if this is a regular group who 'golf' then chances are she might already have evidence on your OH that you need?

I don't know that woman at all. I know where she lives and could go and see her but I wouldn't know her well at all.

Am I sounding strange and OTT? I just wanted to have some evidence to strengthen my case when I confront him. Maybe I am mad. Maybe that's why things have not been so good.

magicmushroom · 14-08-2015 10:04AM

auldgranny wrote: »

I don't know that woman at all. I know where she lives and could go and see her but I wouldn't know her well at all.

Am I sounding strange and OTT? I just wanted to have some evidence to strengthen my case when I confront him. Maybe I am mad. Maybe that's why things have not been so good.

I really don't mean it in a nasty way, if I was going through this I would probably going a bit crazy too!
It's just when you said about getting someone to follow him and take pictures - that's when I thought hold on a minute here, this is a bit mad now...

I think the best place to start is get someone to ring that number.
That is solid evidence. If she is a prostitute, no further investigation is needed.

auldgranny · 14-08-2015 10:06AM

magicmushroom wrote: »

I really don't mean it in a nasty way, if I was going through this I would probably going a bit crazy too!
It's just when you said about getting someone to follow him and take pictures - that's when I thought hold on a minute here, this is a bit mad now...

I think the best place to start is get someone to ring that number.
That is solid evidence. If she is a prostitute, no further investigation is needed.

Yes and I am doing that.

highly1111 · 14-08-2015 10:06AM

AG, I'm so so sorry to read this threads and the updates. It must feel awful. I can understand why men use prostitutes for no strings sex it is the ultimate betrayal to you as his wife. If my husband was to ever cheat on me I'd much rather he shagged a total stranger in a nightclub - this is (if true) very calculated planned cheating with a sex worker where there are huge risks (although there are always risks of course). The pressure of knowing the future of your marriage rests on the next 24 hours must be immense. I strongly urge you to talk to someone or alternatively keep talking here. It's going to be a long day for yourself and mind yourself. Eat properly, get a walk in etc. You may have a battle of epic proportions on your hands so you need to have a clear head and clear facts. I would call those numbers ahead of tonight. You need as much info as possible. Finally, do NOT leave the house. I'm so sorry to write that your marriage may end tonight and legally you do not want to be the one who has left. You may never get back in.

highly1111 · 14-08-2015 10:13AM

auldgranny wrote: »

. Maybe I am mad. Maybe that's why things have not been so good.

Sounds like to me he's already messing with your mental health OP. thread carefully. From what I've read here, you're not one bit.mad but incredibly rationale. Have you anyone you could ask to follow him?? A close male friend/brother? The most logical thing I can think of is to go to the golf club and you'll see if he's there or not - actively go looking and ask around - if he's there and asks what you're doing there, say you're handbag was nicked out of your car and you panicked and didn't know what to do - you'd no house keys or mobile - whatever it is. Chances are he won't be there so it won't be necessary. I think the worst thing to do would be to go out there and hide behind car doors etc. Head out there later this evening and go into the office and ask directly if they can contact x person who started a round 45 minutes ago etc?? If not, just apologise and say you must have gotten mixed up, they must be playing somewhere else. Easier said than done I know - but just my advise.

willow tree · 14-08-2015 10:16AM

You are not being ott at all. This is very serious & you need to know so you can protect yourself. I know of a few cheats who lied for years & without evidence the partners continued to question but in the face of lies stayed married, had kids etc. Some people are very good liers. If your husband is good at hiding things, he'll be prepared for you with a myriad of lies to cover himself possibly.
Do you have a trusted friend who could go with you?

Neyite · 14-08-2015 10:19AM

Your appetite is probably shot to fcuk too so even if you can manage to keep taking in fluids and see if you can manage soups /milkshakes /smoothies over the next few days it will keep you going.

I totally get wanting proof. Marriage and walking away from one is a big deal, and you want to be sure that you did it based on more than a potential rumour.

But it does sound like C is genuine, and has your best interests at heart.

I think my partner was with a prostitute.

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