I think my partner was with a prostitute.

auldgranny

Hi i was told by a friend recently that my partner visited a prostitute, that he did so previous to being with me but that one day last year when he was supposed to be playing golf he was with one. I don't know why this friend waited so long to tell me but I do know that this friend and my husband argued recently and it might be revenge. I tried to put it out of my head but it is always there. I checked his phone bill for that day and there were two mobile numbers he rang that day. One of them he rang five times in a half hour and the other four times. I suppose I am asking should I leave well enough alone or should I investigate further. We have had a rocky past few months and I don't know should I just try and look forward now.

Buona Fortuna

Hi AG.

I'm probably not the best one to answer, but I hate seeing queries, that catch my eye, that don't get any answers quickly, as you sound as if you need a bit of a hug.

So E-hug sent.

I have strong doubts / concerns about this friend's motivation. Just trying to imagine myself in a similar situation. Being in absolute bits as to whether I told a person I cared about such news. Was she emotional at all when she told you? Are you close?

I've looked back on my own phone just to look for any patterns like you describe. One was trying to locate a delivery driver, and another was getting quotes for tyres, back and forth.

Not much help I'm afraid but I do wish you well.

auldgranny

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hi AG.

I'm probably not the best one to answer, but I hate seeing queries, that catch my eye, that don't get any answers quickly, as you sound as if you need a bit of a hug.

So E-hug sent.

I have strong doubts / concerns about this friend's motivation. Just trying to imagine myself in a similar situation. Being in absolute bits as to whether I told a person I cared about such news. Was she emotional at all when she told you? Are you close?

I've looked back on my own phone just to look for any patterns like you describe. One was trying to locate a delivery driver, and another was getting quotes for tyres, back and forth.

Not much help I'm afraid but I do wish you well.

Thank you very much for hug cos yes I need it. She was not emotional, no. Very much in the lines of "I hate to be the one to tell you this but......" She is a mutual friend but more his than mine. She said the argument she had with him was that she was pushing him to tell me himself. I am bit upset. I want to know the truth but afraid to at the same time.

charlietheminxx

If you're looking through his phone records then I would think deep down you suspect she might be telling the truth. Sorry OP but you need to sit down and talk to him, it's the only way.

auldgranny

charlietheminxx wrote: »

If you're looking through his phone records then I would think deep down you suspect she might be telling the truth. Sorry OP but you need to sit down and talk to him, it's the only way.

Yes I suppose you are right, thanks. I considered getting some detective to check out these 2 numbers or would that make me some kind of crazy person?

Diamond Doll

I think you should tell him exactly what she told you.

You should have a fair idea by his reaction whether or not he's telling the truth, if he attempts to deny it.

If he's genuinely innocent in all of this, then he should know what this backstabbing "friend" is like, and what she's saying about him.

If he gets angry and defensive about it, I'd see that as a bit of a warning signal, to be honest, that there was something going on.

You're not going to just forget what she said, no matter what. So you do need to talk to him about it, in my opinion.

Diamond Doll

auldgranny wrote: »

Yes I suppose you are right, thanks. I considered getting some detective to check out these 2 numbers or would that make me some kind of crazy person?

Did you try a simple Google search ... you'd be surprised at what would come up! Or even just ring them with your number hidden, see who answers.

Buona Fortuna

auldgranny wrote: »

Thank you very much for hug cos yes I need it. She was not emotional, no. Very much in the lines of "I hate to be the one to tell you this but......" She is a mutual friend but more his than mine. She said the argument she had with him was that she was pushing him to tell me himself. I am bit upset. I want to know the truth but afraid to at the same time.

I think Charletheminxx is right. I think you two need to have a talk.

Though another thing that doesn't quite "fit" is how does this woman know of your partners visits to prostitutes? Just strikes me as something that would be kept to himself.

power pants

This little piggy wrote: »

Did you try a simple Google search ... you'd be surprised at what would come up! Or even just ring them with your number hidden, see who answers.

prostitutes never answer hidden numbers

I agree with googling the number or ringing it without the number being on hidden

auldgranny

power pants wrote: »

prostitutes never answer hidden numbers

I agree with googling the number or ringing it without the number being on hidden

Google gave me nothing. I considered ringing them but I would be afraid it was some friend of his or work colleague. What excuse would I have for ringing.

Diamond Doll

auldgranny wrote: »

Google gave me nothing. I considered ringing them but I would be afraid it was some friend of his or work colleague. What excuse would I have for ringing.

Give the number to a male acquaintance and get them to ring looking for an appointment? If it's obvious the person doesn't know what they mean, they can always pretend it's a wrong number. I'd even offer to do it myself but I'm female!

power pants

the chances of the number still being in use is very low. Still worth a try but Id say the prostitute has long left the country if it was last year and is of course a prostitute in the first place

all you have to say if its a work colleague, " im sorry, I dialled the wrong number" d

auldgranny

Ok Thank you, I will ring myself and see what happens.

freshpopcorn

You clearly have your doubts.
The only thing I would say is isn't ringing her four times a lot. Wouldn't you just book her and meet her.

power pants

asking for directions?
ring back in 20 mins etc

who knows could be endless

retro:electro

Maybe the reason for them arguing recently was because she knew what he had done and she was threatening to tell you?

auldgranny

I saved the numbers on my phone and one of them is on viber and is a young woman.

Diamond Doll

Ah god ... horrible time for you, especially if this is all coming out of the blue.

I'm really hoping it all turns out to be innocent, but it does seem quite the coincidence that these unknown, unsaved numbers were on his phone on that particular day. Not impossible, of course. But sure the "friend" that told you had no way of knowing that you'd check his phone, or that he wouldn't have deleted them.

auldgranny

To be honest I have no idea what her real motive is because she is more his friend than mine but I don't think she is lying.

Buona Fortuna

At my last job, we were not allowed to make personal calls. So on those occassions that the job kept us out late, we would swap phones to phone home.

There are explanations for all sorts of things and plausible explanations too.

I think dialling these numbers is a red herring. I think you will tell most from his reaction.

- I've got something serious to talk to you about
- I've been speaking to Hilda
- Hilda says you visited a prostitute before we met
- She also says you visited one on blank blank.

You look at the body language and listen to what he says.

auldgranny

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

At my last job, we were not allowed to make personal calls. So on those occassions that the job kept us out late, we would swap phones to phone home.

There are explanations for all sorts of things and plausible explanations too.

I think dialling these numbers is a red herring. I think you will tell most from his reaction.

- I've got something serious to talk to you about
- I've been speaking to Hilda
- Hilda says you visited a prostitute before we met
- She also says you visited one on blank blank.

You look at the body language and listen to what he says.

Well he was supposed to be playing golf on that day and he left and came back alone but yes ringing the numbers will tell me nothing. I will talk to him later and see what he says.

prettyrestless

If you don't want to ring from your own number you could pick up a SIM card and stick it into your own phone. I think meteor give them away free and I'd imagine the other networks do too.

Other than that I don't really have much advice other than talking to him. Also sending you virtual hugs.

Buona Fortuna

auldgranny wrote: »

Well he was supposed to be playing golf on that day and he left and came back alone but yes ringing the numbers will tell me nothing. I will talk to him later and see what he says.

All the very best hun.

I think its the only way forward. From there you can decide if someone has an axe to grind and its untrue or its something that you two can work through or not.

irishdude11

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

At my last job, we were not allowed to make personal calls. So on those occassions that the job kept us out late, we would swap phones to phone home.

There are explanations for all sorts of things and plausible explanations too.

I think dialling these numbers is a red herring. I think you will tell most from his reaction.

- I've got something serious to talk to you about
- I've been speaking to Hilda
- Hilda says you visited a prostitute before we met
- She also says you visited one on blank blank.

You look at the body language and listen to what he says.

Well I don't agree that that is going to give you better information than finding out if the girls on the other end of the numbers are prostitutes.

Although it sounds to me like the husband is guilty as charged when OP comes out with the lines you wrote above her husband's heart will probably skip a beat whether he is guilty or innocent. It's a very serious accusation in a relationship with massive ramifications so even if he's innocent it's very likely he could act stressed and look guilty.

It doesn't look good though as the mutual friend would have to be nuts to come out with something like this if it wasn't true.

I think OP should send a message on viber to the girl saying she was "with her last year and wondering if she's available again or when will she be back in town?"...find out if the girl is a prostitute.

magicmushroom

I think the above suggestion of I think OP should send a message on viber to the girl saying she was "with her last year and wondering if she's available again or when will she be back in town?"...find out if the girl is a prostitute. is a good idea

She might see you're a woman through viber too though so maybe ask someone else to do it?

Compu Global Hyper Meganet

auldgranny wrote: »

I saved the numbers on my phone and one of them is on viber and is a young woman.

Would a prostitute be on viber? Forgive my innocence, but surely rule no. 1 for a prostitute is to have two phones: One personal, one business (for obvious reasons). I doubt she would register her "client" phone for apps like viber.

Just trying to look at the situation rationally.

auldgranny

irishdude11 wrote: »

Well I don't agree that that is going to give you better information than finding out if the girls on the other end of the numbers are prostitutes.

Although it sounds to me like the husband is guilty as charged when OP comes out with the lines you wrote above her husband's heart will probably skip a beat whether he is guilty or innocent. It's a very serious accusation in a relationship with massive ramifications so even if he's innocent it's very likely he could act stressed and look guilty.

It doesn't look good though as the mutual friend would have to be nuts to come out with something like this if it wasn't true.

I think OP should send a message on viber to the girl saying she was "with her last year and wondering if she's available again or when will she be back in town?"...find out if the girl is a prostitute.

But if that girl is a work colleague or a friend of his son's I will look really stupid, no?

magicmushroom

auldgranny wrote: »

But if that girl is a work colleague or a friend of his son's I will look really stupid, no?

Yes so get someone else to do it or get a pay as you go sim as previously suggested - do you have a friend you can ask to do it for you?

auldgranny

Compu Global Hyper Meganet wrote: »

Would a prostitute be on viber? Forgive my innocence, but surely rule no. 1 for a prostitute is to have two phones: One personal, one business (for obvious reasons). I doubt she would register her "client" phone for apps like viber.

Just trying to look at the situation rationally.

Yes maybe you are right. I did wonder that myself.

lifeandtimes

or you could message them and say hey i found this phone do you know who it belongs too? if you get a response saying yeah its so and so's, i can get it back to them you can pretty guarantee its innocent...if you get no message your exactly were you started off but generally friends or friends of friends would know who was calling them and i say generally as a year ago is a long time to get a phone call from your mates dads phone and still have it on your contact list

faceman

While the focus of this thread seems to be on methods of contacting someone the OP's husband may have cheated with, I can't help but feel there is an elephant in the room here.

Regardless of whether the OP's husband cheated or not, it sounds like there are fundamental issues in the relationship that must be addressed going forward. It won't be easy and will take effort on both parts. The only way to start this is process is by talking direct.

As for the friend who gave the tip off, I'd be severing contact with her. While it may emerge that she is correct, it's difficult to not feel that her motives were to serve her own ego and rather than concern for the OP.

Best of luck OP.

Gongoozler

Do you really want to be putting yourself through all that? Would it not be less sneaky and faster to just sit down with him and ask?

magicmushroom

Gongoozler wrote: »

Do you really want to be putting yourself through all that? Would it not be less sneaky and faster to just sit down with him and ask?

But say that he did sleep with the prostitute - he might lie and then try and cover his tracks, making it harder for the OP to find out the truth.

I agree that she should do her own investigation first and find out who this girl is.

faceman

magicmushroom wrote: »

But say that he did sleep with the prostitute - he might lie and then try and cover his tracks, making it harder for the OP to find out the truth.

I agree that she should do her own investigation first and find out who this girl is.

And what if he didn't and the wife is found out to be doing all that investigating behind his backs and he finds out?

Penalty

auldgranny wrote: »

he did so previous to being with me but that one day last year when he was supposed to be playing golf he was with one

I checked his phone bill for that day and there were two mobile numbers he rang that day.

We have had a rocky past few months and I don't know should I just try and look forward now.

Am I the only one that sees this as all unnecessary. Who cares what he did before meeting you? There's no betrayal here or am I misunderstanding.
He probably will deny he ever done it out of embarrassment whatever. But if he did is it the end of the world?

He played golf a year ago and the friend knows the exact date that he played golf and you have now traced his phone back a year to that very day?

As someone else says if that's going on there's a lot more issues at play here. If it's been rocky before it's going to get a whole lot worse if you tell him you have tracked him back that far.

By all means ask him if its true what the friend said and see the reaction but be careful how much digging you tell him you have done.

magicmushroom

Penalty wrote: »

Am I the only one that sees this as all unnecessary. Who cares what he did before meeting you? There's no betrayal here or am I misunderstanding.
He probably will deny he ever done it out of embarrassment whatever. But if he did is it the end of the world?

He played golf a year ago and the friend knows the exact date that he played golf and you have now traced his phone back a year to that very day?

As someone else says if that's going on there's a lot more issues at play here. If it's been rocky before it's going to get a whole lot worse if you tell him you have tracked him back that far.

By all means ask him if its true what the friend said and see the reaction but be careful how much digging you tell him you have done.

No I think you're reading it wrong - I took this from the OP that she knows he was with one before he met her but was then supposedly with one again last year - when he was with her.
They're married so I'm assuming they were married last year or if not at least engaged.

Neyite

Something feels off here OP.

This friend - she's more of a friend to him than you, right? Did his story about their falling out match hers? You are right, her motives are very unclear.

For her to run to you with this information sounds to me like she wants to ruin his life. It's a bit extreme for a friendship fail. It smacks of a very vindictive and personal revenge on an ex lover or somebody romantically attached rather on an ex friend. I've been hurt badly by ex friends but never wanted to destroy their lives by revealing their deepest secrets. I've only felt that rage and hurt and had revenge fantasies with an ex.

This is something that would blow apart most marriages, so she had to have realised this before she told you. So clearly the friendship between them is ended for good with no hope of them burying the hatchet, and she is burning all bridges here because by telling you she must know that your husband will find out exactly who told you. If she has known all this time, why not say it to you before this - but my guess is that since she knows the exact dates she has only just found out herself, and if so, how did she find out an exact date last year that your husband was with this prostitute? I realise I'm generalising here but unless he told her that it was on a landmark day like his birthday or something why would anyone know the exact date of an event from last year?

I think that you need to try to figure out her motive here.

Penalty

I can't see where the OP says they are married.
The only reference here is partner and there is no info on how long they have been together.

We don't know did this event take place before they were together / how long they are together etc.

OP these details will have a big impact in the advice you will get.

Colser

Hi OP..I wouldnt say anything to him at the moment until you have more info or he will cover his tracks. Could you ask to use his phone and put the number in to see what contact name it brings up? He will probably have it in under a fake name if its dodgy but at least you will know if it is stored on his contacts.
Did you check to see if the number appeared on any other date if you have access to his phone bill? also when googling did you search leaving a space between the prefix and number and also without a space? Google and Yahoo search?
Bite your lip at the moment because he will delete stuff if he knows youre suspicious(difficult to do I know). Id be inclined to believe the friend tbh.but I wouldnt shoot the messenger.Good Luck

Mousewar

Personally, I think the most ethical thing is to talk to your partner but avoid making an accusation that might offend. In your situation I'd simply say that this 'friend' said what she said and ask why she would say that. It's the most natural course of action for someone intent on giving their partner the benefit of the doubt.

Neyite

Penalty wrote: »

I can't see where the OP says they are married.
The only reference here is partner and there is no info on how long they have been together.

We don't know did this event take place before they were together / how long they are together etc.

OP these details will have a big impact in the advice you will get.

They are married - says so in her OP.

auldgranny wrote: »

Hi i was told by a friend recently that my partner visited a prostitute, that he did so previous to being with me but that one day last year when he was supposed to be playing golf he was with one. I don't know why this friend waited so long to tell me but I do know that this friend and my husband argued recently and it might be revenge. I tried to put it out of my head but it is always there. I checked his phone bill for that day and there were two mobile numbers he rang that day. One of them he rang five times in a half hour and the other four times. I suppose I am asking should I leave well enough alone or should I investigate further. We have had a rocky past few months and I don't know should I just try and look forward now.

The OP is aware of prostitute use before they got together. Last year's supposed encounter was while she lived with him as she knew he was out all day at a golf day. Partner or husband, its pretty much irrelevant if the alleged cheating took place while they were together and lived together.

auldgranny

magicmushroom wrote: »

No I think you're reading it wrong - I took this from the OP that she knows he was with one before he met her but was then supposedly with one again last year - when he was with her.
They're married so I'm assuming they were married last year or if not at least engaged.

Yes, who he was with before me is not an issue at all. He was supposedly with one again last year. The date of the golf last year was easy to remember for a reason I won't go into here and he has all his phone bills for years in the filing cabinet. Yes it has been really rocky and I know this won't improve it but should I just shut up and forget about it. If he has disrespected me this way I would like to know.

Think I answered the wrong poster here, sorry.

auldgranny

Sorry, to clarify we were not married when he was supposed to have been with the prostitute but we are now. We have had difficulties since we married and some were my fault but some were his. We had decided to work on them. But even if we were not married then we were engaged and I feel it is still cheating.

Magicmatilda

Neyite wrote: »

Something feels off here OP.

This friend - she's more of a friend to him than you, right? Did his story about their falling out match hers? You are right, her motives are very unclear.

For her to run to you with this information sounds to me like she wants to ruin his life. It's a bit extreme for a friendship fail. It smacks of a very vindictive and personal revenge on an ex lover or somebody romantically attached rather on an ex friend. I've been hurt badly by ex friends but never wanted to destroy their lives by revealing their deepest secrets. I've only felt that rage and hurt and had revenge fantasies with an ex.

This is something that would blow apart most marriages, so she had to have realised this before she told you. So clearly the friendship between them is ended for good with no hope of them burying the hatchet, and she is burning all bridges here because by telling you she must know that your husband will find out exactly who told you. If she has known all this time, why not say it to you before this - but my guess is that since she knows the exact dates she has only just found out herself, and if so, how did she find out an exact date last year that your husband was with this prostitute? I realise I'm generalising here but unless he told her that it was on a landmark day like his birthday or something why would anyone know the exact date of an event from last year?

I think that you need to try to figure out her motive here.

This is what i thought also. Have you asked her how she knows? or why she told you?

OP I doubt there are many that would consider being with a prostitute while engaged anything other than cheating. Unless it is an open relationship which clearly it is not.

LegacyUser

Compu Global Hyper Meganet wrote: »

Would a prostitute be on viber? Forgive my innocence, but surely rule no. 1 for a prostitute is to have two phones: One personal, one business (for obvious reasons). I doubt she would register her "client" phone for apps like viber.

Just trying to look at the situation rationally.

This is certainly the case. Prostitutes always have a work phone separate to their personal phone. And it's 99% of the time the cheapest phone possible, usually not even a smart phone. But even if it was, there is no reason they would have viber or other apps downloaded on a phone that's only on or with them during working hours, and only used for work. They are very strict in general about using it just for business, as most live double lives to some degree and would really prefer people that do not know what they work at remain people that do not know.

I do not think you should confront your husband OP. The suggestion alone that you have believed what the 'friend' has said, over trusting him, could be pretty hurtful to him, if he is innocent. And not the kind of spanner you want to be throwing in the works after your recent rough patch in your marriage now that you are trying to work on things together.

Absolutely contact the number as others have suggested, from a PAYG sim, and suggest you would like to make an appointment with a prostitute and see what response you receive.

I think the friend is lying.

December2012

Is there ANY chance that your friend wants your husband for herself? Could she be the other woman, if there is one?

CaraMay

Maybe the friend is actually doing the op a huge favour. Clearly she doesn't approve of him going to hookers but it's even worse if he's going home and sleeping with his unsuspecting new wife. Maybe it's a regular thing for him but the only date the friend can use as an example is that day last year. It's not like he doesn't have form here. I think the friend is being honest and probably knows / suspects that this is a regular event and her conscious had to be cleared by telling the wife.

strandroad

Compu Global Hyper Meganet wrote: »

Would a prostitute be on viber? Forgive my innocence, but surely rule no. 1 for a prostitute is to have two phones: One personal, one business (for obvious reasons). I doubt she would register her "client" phone for apps like viber.

Why wouldn't she, it might be her business viber. Viber is just another communication channel these days and her customers may prefer it as to not to leave any trace in phone bills. She may have a business snapchat with "tasters" too for all we know!

auldgranny

I bottled the talk. I just couldn't get the words out. He has gone out for a drink with a friend so I don't think I will be doing anything about it till tomorrow evening now.

CaraMay

Can you get a chance to talk to the girl again? What is he saying about the reasons he fell out with her?

lifeandtimes

After thinking about this again op I think he may be innocent

A prostitute on vibe would be a bit far fetched, also where would he get her number that you couldn't find online,im aware that a lot of woman in this line of business have burners but they still need to advertise their contact details to get clients and the best way is online,if a Google search doesn't bring up anything then she may be a very discreet high profile one but more than likely just a private citizen,plus you mention he rang a number of times,im assuming it would only take one phone call to arrange one,who knows this girl could have lost her phone and asked him to ring it a couple of times to find it or someone did ask to use his phone to call someone for an emergency

Also it maybe possible to take the woman's picture from viber and do a Google reverse search and see if you can find it,also download snapchat and see if she is on that,if she is add her and see her stories,loads of people add everybody and it could give you an insight into who she is