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Is this weird?

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Comments

  • #32
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    When someone drip feeds you little bits of information only when you probe - they're hiding things from you.

    He didn't initially ask you to come when you first discussed it. Now, he says you're welcome BUT...

    There's other people going, and he chose to share a room with her? With someone he fcuked not too long ago? While he has a girlfriend? And could swap with someone else on the trip?

    How is your gut not screaming at you to run?

    You say you're just forgetting about it, and will now expect a certain standard from him. The standard you want is not the standard you'll get, because you've now said you're okay with him sharing a room with a girl he had sex with not long ago.

    I mean this in the nicest way possible, but - you're being taken for a ride and you're crazy if you don't see that.


  • #33
    Shelga
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,054 ✭✭✭Shelga


    Thanks OneOfThem, your take on it is pretty much what I think, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. I really don't think he told me all of this as some elaborate double bluff that absolves him of all accountability because "he was honest".

    You're right, the girl he met for a drink was his proper ex, they went out for about 2 years I think. He's been forthcoming about her too and I don't think they meet often.

    It's the combination of it all that has my head fried- I don't want to be thinking about all of this stuff to do with former flings/girlfriends/faux friends 3 months in FFS!

    He was sweet on the phone, rang me straight away as soon as I sent the "not happy about this" message. He said he hasn't met anyone he's wanted a relationship with until me, and that I would obviously be the default person to take these trips with in future. He said he would feel sick at the thought of cheating. It made me feel better but even as I type this I think it all sounds like such a cliche.

    I'm not sure how many others are going on the trip or what the exact circumstances are. It was midnight and I wanted to sleep. Head is wrecked enough, gonna wait til I see him next week and suss out how I feel properly.


  • #34
    Jotunheim
    Closed Accounts Posts: 150 ✭✭Jotunheim


    OneOfThem wrote: »

    (this isn't the same girl that he went for a drink with while the OP was away for the people using that ad another reason to string him up btw. That was his ex girlfriend from 18 months ago. Different girl.



    What she said was "He also met this ex for drinks while I was away last week" and then went on to mention that he had also broken up with someone 18 months ago. In the context she mentioned those things, she referred to the girl he's going away with as "the ex" and gave a clear impression that they are one in the same and the ex from 18 months ago is a third girl. It hardly matters though, the key fact is that as soon as the OP's back was turned, out he went with another girl he'd previously had sex with.


    As to the honesty....please. It's not honesty, it damage control, so if he's seen or lets something slip he can say "well I did tell you....". If he was truly honest it'd be honesty of effort and commitment to the now "official" relationship, ie he wouldn't be heading off with a girl he had a fling with and meeting her or another girl for drinks behind the OP's back, whether it's one or two girls.


  • #35
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    Jotunheim wrote: »
    What she said was "He also met this ex for drinks while I was away last week" and then went on to mention that he had also broken up with someone 18 months ago. In the context she mentioned those things, she referred to the girl he's going away with as "the ex" and gave a clear impression that they are one in the same and the ex from 18 months ago is a third girl. It hardly matters though, the key fact is that as soon as the OP's back was turned, out he went with another girl he'd previously had sex with.


    As to the honesty....please. It's not honesty, it damage control, so if he's seen or lets something slip he can say "well I did tell you....". If he was truly honest it'd be honesty of effort and commitment to the now "official" relationship, ie he wouldn't be heading off with a girl he had a fling with and meeting her or another girl for drinks behind the OP's back, whether it's one or two girls.

    It was clear as day that the OP was referring to his ex as his ex, and not the girl he went on one date and slept with once, to anyone reading it objectively and not falling over themselves in their rush to shove the guy in front of the firing line.

    He hasn't done anything behind the OP's back. He's told her straight out. He could have said nothing about both things, the OP would be none the wiser, and he'd be completely above an suspicion. He chose to be honest, knowing it would be a possibility (look at this thread for evidence) that it would mean the OP would instantly be a bit suspicious. It'd be like hanging around outside a bank you were planning to rob in a balaclava and waving your shotgun around for three hours because "sure nobody could possibly suspect I'm a bank robber then, they wouldn't do that." When the alternative is you can stroll in the back door you know they don't lock while everyone's out for lunch and help yourself. It's more than a bit of a stretch.


  • #36
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    Look OP, have you any other reasons to suspect your boyfriend is a devious, manipulative person that would hurt you, other than the sure fire definitive absolute reasons of him being able to be friends with girls he's previously slept with and him being open about who he spends time with and his past with them? People here don't know him. You do. What kind of person is he?


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  • #37
    magicmushroom
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 824 ✭✭✭magicmushroom


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    It was clear as day that the OP was referring to his ex as his ex, and not the girl he went on one date and slept with once, to anyone reading it objectively and not falling over themselves in their rush to shove the guy in front of the firing line.

    He hasn't done anything behind the OP's back. He's told her straight out. He could have said nothing about both things, the OP would be none the wiser, and he'd be completely above an suspicion. He chose to be honest, knowing it would be a possibility (look at this thread for evidence) that it would mean the OP would instantly be a bit suspicious. It'd be like hanging around outside a bank you were planning to rob in a balaclava and waving your shotgun around for three hours because "sure nobody could possibly suspect I'm a bank robber then, they wouldn't do that." When the alternative is you can stroll in the back door you know they don't lock while everyone's out for lunch and help yourself. It's more than a bit of a stretch.

    Do you not think it's odd though that he's sharing a room with the girl, when there are other people going so he doesn't have to share with her?

    Would you be comfortable with your partner going away with someone they were sexually attracted to, had previously slept with and were sharing a room, just the 2 of them?


  • #38
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    magicmushroom wrote: »
    Do you not think it's odd though that he's sharing a room with the girl, when there are other people going so he doesn't have to share with her?

    Would you be comfortable with your partner going away with someone they were sexually attracted to, had previously slept with and were sharing a room, just the 2 of them?

    He booked it before he ever met the OP. Why would it be odd for him to book it to share with her? They're friends.

    Yes. I would. Absolutely. That doesn't mean the OP or anyone else has to be. I can understand people being uncomfortable with it. And I think it would be perfectly fine for the OP to ask of him, if he'd mind swapping with someone else of its possible, to put her mind at ease a bit. But yes. I'd be 100% perfectly fine with it. I don't think my partner would automatically cheat on me if she is left alone in a room with someone she finds sexually attractive. If someone would, then they've probably cheated in other situations already tbh. I trust her. She's got a mind of her own, and the ability not to fvck people.


  • #39
    Jotunheim
    Closed Accounts Posts: 150 ✭✭Jotunheim


    OneOfThem wrote: »

    He hasn't done anything behind the OP's back. He's told her straight out. He could have said nothing about both things, the OP would be none the wiser, and he'd be completely above an suspicion. He chose to be honest, knowing it would be a possibility (look at this thread for evidence) that it would mean the OP would instantly be a bit suspicious. It'd be like hanging around outside a bank you were planning to rob in a balaclava and waving your shotgun around for three hours because "sure nobody could possibly suspect I'm a bank robber then, they wouldn't do that." When the alternative is you can stroll in the back door you know they don't lock while everyone's out for lunch and help yourself. It's more than a bit of a stretch.


    This kind of thinking is exactly why manipulators drip feed a limited, selective "truth".


  • #40
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,744 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    OP, do you know any of the other people going on this trip so that you could at least ask them about it and see if he's telling the truth that others are going. You could also say that you were surprised no-one offered to switch rooms with him.


  • #41
    Wright
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭Wright


    Shelga wrote: »
    Thanks OneOfThem, your take on it is pretty much what I think, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. I really don't think he told me all of this as some elaborate double bluff that absolves him of all accountability because "he was honest".

    You're right, the girl he met for a drink was his proper ex, they went out for about 2 years I think. He's been forthcoming about her too and I don't think they meet often.

    It's the combination of it all that has my head fried- I don't want to be thinking about all of this stuff to do with former flings/girlfriends/faux friends 3 months in FFS!

    He was sweet on the phone, rang me straight away as soon as I sent the "not happy about this" message. He said he hasn't met anyone he's wanted a relationship with until me, and that I would obviously be the default person to take these trips with in future. He said he would feel sick at the thought of cheating. It made me feel better but even as I type this I think it all sounds like such a cliche.

    I'm not sure how many others are going on the trip or what the exact circumstances are. It was midnight and I wanted to sleep. Head is wrecked enough, gonna wait til I see him next week and suss out how I feel properly.

    Hmm. Bit rash but my gut tells me this fella is a well oiled womanizing machine and bailing might be in order. Just my thoughts on it.


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  • #42
    Colser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Wright wrote: »
    Hmm. Bit rash but my gut tells me this fella is a well oiled womanizing machine and bailing might be in order. Just my thoughts on it.
    I totally agree with this.
    OP you are always going to have doubts about this weekend and what did or didnt happen,youve said it yourself that your head is fried as it is and he hasnt even gone yet.I know that feeling and it eats away at you,you might be able to put it to the back of your mind for a while but it will always come back to niggle you.
    Personally I would have no interest in being with someone like him,even reading your posts is difficult as hes playing the innocent party like a pro.
    Why didnt he invite you all along,he knows you wouldnt go at the last minute but he will always throw it back at you that he did invite you.
    I cant think of one woman I know who would put up with this so dont be doubting your reaction at all.
    Id be sending a text today to finish it and let him get on with his weekend,at least he wont have the satisfaction doing what Im nearly 100% he will do behind your back.Go with your gut on this.


  • #43
    FizzleSticks
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,172 ✭✭✭FizzleSticks


    This post has been deleted.


  • #44
    TizTaly2015
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 47 ✭TizTaly2015


    OP, your initial question - Is this weird? - tells me that you think and deep down know that it is. I think it is. Very much so. You are only 3 months in to this relationship and already this has stopped you in your tracks. How deep are your feelings for this guy at this stage? I think I would bail to be honest. It will be sore for the first few weeks but then you'll get your mojo back. If he is genuine and really sincere, he will make adjustments to his life that will enable you and him to have a future. Right now, though, I feel that he is having his cake and eating it...all the best and take care


  • #45
    magicmushroom
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 824 ✭✭✭magicmushroom


    TizTaly2015 wrote: »
    OP, your initial question - Is this weird? - tells me that you think and deep down know that it is. I think it is. Very much so. You are only 3 months in to this relationship and already this has stopped you in your tracks. How deep are your feelings for this guy at this stage? I think I would bail to be honest. It will be sore for the first few weeks but then you'll get your mojo back. If he is genuine and really sincere, he will make adjustments to his life that will enable you and him to have a future. Right now, though, I feel that he is having his cake and eating it...all the best and take care

    I would bail too, he should not be going away with her, end of story.


  • #46
    Ineedaname
    Closed Accounts Posts: 369 ✭✭Ineedaname


    I've been in your boyfriends position. One of my closest friends is a girl I slept with once. We went to a gig recently and we shared a room. We went to the gig and we enjoyed ourselves. That was it. Us having sex never even registered.

    I think the posts painting your bf as some sort of manipulating womaniser are unfair. You say all of this was planned before he even met you. Maybe he just really wants to go to the festival and he's been looking forward to it.


  • #47
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    Ineedaname wrote: »
    I've been in your boyfriends position. One of my closest friends is a girl I slept with once. We went to a gig recently and we shared a room. We went to the gig and we enjoyed ourselves. That was it. Us having sex never even registered.

    I think the posts painting your bf as some sort of manipulating womaniser are unfair. You say all of this was planned before he even met you. Maybe he just really wants to go to the festival and he's been looking forward to it.

    But how is that even possible!? You're trying to tell us you had sex before, and not only did you develop a friendship, but it doesn't mean one or both of you are determined to fvck again any time you are left alone together? Neither of you are just waiting for an opportunity to do so? You were in the room together, right? Alone? And you didn't immediately start riding when the door clicked closed and cheat on your respective partners? What are you? A eunuch Buddhist monk carved out of stone, rather than flesh and blood? Tell us another one why don't you.


  • #48
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I think if it was me I'd ask him one question. "How would you feel if I invited around some guy I'd slept with while you were away and we ended up sleeping in the same room together? Would you be reassured by me telling you we're 'just friends'?"

    I think when you're single you have a certain lifestyle that doesn't go hand-in-hand with proper relationship etiquette. When I was single I had lots of 'options' like this. Guys I'd hooked up with but we're mates now but you never know, blah blah blah...being single meant the lines were always blurred and there were no boundaries, I could do and hang out with whomever I pleased.

    This sounds like such an example, his weekend away is just residual from his 'single lifestyle' and he's a bit bloody dim about the things he needs to let go of now that he's in a relationship, combined with not wanting to deal with an awkward social situation ("sorry I can't go, my girlfriend is pissed about it")

    I think I'd let him off on his weekend away and when he's back, tell him there are certain things you expect in a relationship and respect is one of them. Your respect for him means you won't be hanging out with all these exes and former fcuk buddies all the time and you'd expect the same in return.


  • #49
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Mod Note
    Remember guys if you can't give constructive advice in a civil manner please don't post.
    I have also removed 2 posts that led on from the warned post as being off topic resulting directly from the post in question.

    If anyone is unsure of the expectations here please read our charter, we have a low tolerance for muppetry and will action accordingly to protect potentially very vulnerable OPs / Posters.


  • #50
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Ineedaname wrote: »
    I've been in your boyfriends position. One of my closest friends is a girl I slept with once. We went to a gig recently and we shared a room. We went to the gig and we enjoyed ourselves. That was it. Us having sex never even registered.

    I think the posts painting your bf as some sort of manipulating womaniser are unfair. You say all of this was planned before he even met you. Maybe he just really wants to go to the festival and he's been looking forward to it.

    Agreed I've travelled with an ex and it would never even cross our minds. I think a lot of people in this country just see the opposite sex as men or women and because of this don't see then as friends. My ex's were friends and because they didn't **** on me, we are still friends.

    I think if he had something to hide he would be blurting out a full story.

    Op either accept it and move on or dump him but don't harbour it for months.


  • #51
    Ineedaname
    Closed Accounts Posts: 369 ✭✭Ineedaname


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Agreed I've travelled with an ex and it would never even cross our minds. I think a lot of people in this country just see the opposite sex as men or women and because of this don't see then as friends. My ex's were friends and because they didn't **** on me, we are still friends.

    I think if he had something to hide he would be blurting out a full story.

    Op either accept it and move on or dump him but don't harbour it for months.

    Exactly. I think people watch far too many soaps.

    I say let him have his weekend and start looking into planning your own trip for the future.


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  • #52
    Augme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,628 ✭✭✭Augme


    I'd suggest breaking up with him. Not because he's a womeniser but mainly because you can't trust him. If 3 months in you can't trust the guy then that doesn't say much for your relationship.

    At the end of the day if you can't trust your boyfriend to share a room with ex without resorting to shagging them then I think there's something wrong in the relationship. What you are basically saying is that you think your boyfriend is a cheater and the only way to stop him cheating is by not giving him an opportunity to cheat. I think that's a pretty ****'d up and unhealthy view to have about your boyfriend.


  • #53
    cactusgal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    Op, not trying to be horrible, honestly, but is your boyfriend very hard up for friends??

    I know myself that as much as I love my very close friends, it isn't always easy to plan weekends away. I do think it's very strange he'd plan a weekend away with someone he met on a dating site? Unless he had absolutely no one else to go with?

    It's strange, no?


  • #54
    Wright
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭Wright


    Ineedaname wrote: »
    I think people watch far too many soaps.

    Oh that'll be it aye

    (don't even own a tv)


  • #55
    Colser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Augme wrote: »
    I'd suggest breaking up with him. Not because he's a womeniser but mainly because you can't trust him. If 3 months in you can't trust the guy then that doesn't say much for your relationship.

    At the end of the day if you can't trust your boyfriend to share a room with ex without resorting to shagging them then I think there's something wrong in the relationship. What you are basically saying is that you think your boyfriend is a cheater and the only way to stop him cheating is by not giving him an opportunity to cheat. I think that's a pretty ****'d up and unhealthy view to have about your boyfriend.
    I can genuinely say that I dont know one person that wouldnt have a problem with this..I cant speaking for everyone but in my circle of friends/colleagues I cant see one woman being ok with her boyfriend heading off and sharing a room with someone he had a thing with especially someone she has never met her. Remember this isnt someone he had a relationship with that ran its course and theyve ended up as friends,this was a one nighter which makes it stranger imo.
    Also the OP seems to have very little info on whats happening during the weekend as she didnt even know that there is a large group attending until she questioned it this week.
    OP I think your feelings are well justified.


  • #56
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,716 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    Regardless of whether he would cheat or not I think a lot of this is about respect for the person you're in a relationship with. Personally I would have more respect for my partner than to share a room with someone I've shagged before. The logistics of this can't be that difficult that he can't swap rooms around with other people that are going.


  • #57
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    I think you are trying to come across as laid back about this (to bf and posters here). I dont know why...for fear of rocking the already rocked boat?

    And youre not ok with the arrangement - and thats ok OP! Its ok not to be ok with this arrangement. You dont have to be the cool gf ok with him going away, and sharing a room with some woman he previously shagged.

    First of all, you know him 3 months - a little bit of (relationship) trust maybe has built up by now.

    But you are not including YOU or your feelings in this at all, by trying to come across as the cool gf. He is definitely NOT considering yours. Yes, he told you what was going on/background, great. But he hasnt done anything to further build on the trust that ye are currently trying to build.

    Please consider and acknowledge how you feel in this. And let him know. If he throws the "you dont trust me" card. Well, you are building trust with him. He is taking it down (maybe unknowingly because you havent said anything/how you feel). It will also serve to building boundaries (of what you deem acceptable to the relationship/your needs) so things like this dont happen again.

    You are taking all the responsibility on yourself at the moment to steady this situation. Trying to be ok with this. And really, the responsibility is with him.


  • #58
    ChannelNo5
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 779 ✭✭✭ChannelNo5


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    And youre not ok with the arrangement - and thats ok OP! Its ok not to be ok with this arrangement. You dont have to be the cool gf ok with him going away, and sharing a room with some woman he previously shagged.

    OP this a thousand times!! Its OK for you not to be OK with this.
    It doesn't have to be the end of your relationship BUT its OK for you to register your discomfort about this arrangement. As dellas says don't feel you have to be cool about it


  • #59
    Aashna
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5 ✭Aashna


    I think it's all about trust, to be honest. If you trusted him then it wouldn't be as much of an issue. I really don't get the whole 'if you sleep with someone you can't be friends' thing. I've stopped dating guys because the spark just wasn't there, but they're still lovely guys - so why would I stop talking to them? Unless it ends badly, then why wouldn't we be friends? One of my best friends is a guy I dated a few years ago. He was still sharing a place with his ex when we met, and it didn't bother me one bit because I knew they were over. Similarly, my friendship with him hasn't bothered anyone I've dated either, because it's obvious that we're just friends and I never make it a 'thing'.

    Your guy seems to be unsure of how to deal with the situation and that could be why he's being edgy. He wants to go to a gig with his mate. If it was a male friend, would you insist on tagging along then? He'd already made plans before he met you and, sure, he should take your feelings into account - but you need to consider his also. She's his friend. Maybe they got to know each other really well online and just didn't click when they met. Maybe he wants to spend some time with his friend for a weekend. Or maybe he wants to bang her brains out instead - that's possible. BUT, if you genuinely think that's possible then you shouldn't be dating him at all. Men aren't all desperate horn dogs, you know, and just because he's alone in a room with her doesn't mean he's going to shag the night away with her.


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