Is this weird?

Shelga

So, been seeing a guy I met online for 2/3 months. We've just become 'official'. He's lovely, kind, smart, funny, all the good things.

He told me a few weeks ago that a friend he's going away with this weekend is actually a girl he met online and they slept together once, then remained friends although the romance side fizzled out. I think he was telling me to be honest, as obviously I wouldn't be too thrilled if I found out after he got back.

I brushed it off at first and told him I appreciated his honesty, which is true, but as their trip gets closer I find myself feeling a bit jealous. I'm sure this is normal! I'm not a jealous person but surely no one would be 100% ok with this. They booked it a long time ago, before he and I ever met, so I'm pretty ok with it, as long as this didn't keep happening the more serious he and I got!

The thing is, he seems to have met quite a few women online in the last year or two, slept with them once and stayed friends?? I find this really odd as he is the first guy from an online dating website that I've ever really hit it off with. Up til now it's been a few bad first dates, which have never led to a second. When I'm done with someone I'm done, I don't use dating websites to make friends!

Anyone have any advice/similar experience or can at least tell me I'm not crazy to be dwelling on this a bit this week? Another lovely element of online dating I suppose...

Wright

Him being honest about it is good.

Him taking trips with her is really weird.

kjl

Odd alright, but hey as you said he is a nice guy. It's possible just because relationships don't work out with these girls that they can still appreciate that he is a genuine person.

What kind of trip is your boyfriend and ex sleeping partner going on?

Like I could understand if it was a friend he knew from college, but something don't smell right with this one.

It's a bit much calling her an "ex sleeping partner". They slept together once and it didn't work. I've ended up having great friendships after similar circumstances.

It's not that weird. The fact he was honest with you says to me that he's not doing anything to deceive you.

Gongoozler

I'd be questioning why he lied in the first place. I absolutely believe women and men can be friends, even if there was something there previously, but often one of them will be hoping for more. What kind of trip is it? Has he told you much detail? I would personally find it difficult to be ok with this as he lied to begin with.

CaptainInsano

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'd be questioning why he lied in the first place. I absolutely believe women and men can be friends, even if there was something there previously, but often one of them will be hoping for more. What kind of trip is it? Has he told you much detail? I would personally find it difficult to be ok with this as he lied to begin with.

When did he lie?

prettyrestless

Honestly I find it quite weird. I generally don't stay friends with guys I've dated casually unless they were friends beforehand. The fact that he seems to have a collection of these online-dating-slept-with-once friends is really strange IMO.

magicmushroom

I would be happy for them to stay friends but I wouldn't be happy about them taking a trip together just the 2 of them.

He may have booked it before you met but that doesn't matter - he is in a relationship with you now and you don't feel comfortable, which is completely normal and acceptable, I am surprised that he thinks it is OK to go away with her.

I would hate for my partner to go away for a weekend with someone he had previously slept with, he obviously finds her sexually attractive and the feeling is returned so I wouldn't like it at all.

Gongoozler

CaptainInsano wrote: »

When did he lie?

The way it's phrased makes it sound like she was at least led to believe that the friend was a man.

Jotunheim

Sorry, not buying this. How casual was it if they booked trips together months in advance? He keeps in touch with a few women with similar history? He's a player and he has a list of options.


The "honesty" is damage control in case he gets caught with a slip of the tongue or a pic on facebook or something.


If being "official" meant anything, he'd be cancelling the trip, not risking the relationship. He doesn't value the relationship enough to do that though, because he has fallbacks.

liquoriceall

Im friends with 2 exs and we hang out, go drinking etc and there is no issues that Im aware of from current partners??
I dont see why it would be less than legitamite?
Maybe offer to drop them to the airport then the girl will know he has a gf?!

Magicmatilda

Couple of questions:

Have you met her? Is he OK with introducing you to her? Has he asked you to go along? Is there any reason why you could not go along? Where are they going?

I think if he is not willing to introduce you and if he is not open to you joining (she could bring a friend also to even things out) then I would be very, very wary. The honesty could easily be damage control as Jotuntheim says. The thing is they are not exs. They did not gradually build up a bond. The met online (with a defined purpose of romance) shagged and stayed in contact.

Dial Hard

liquoriceall wrote: »

Im friends with 2 exs and we hang out, go drinking etc and there is no issues that Im aware of from current partners??
I dont see why it would be less than legitamite?

Do you go on weekends away with them, just the two of you? I doubt it.

OP, are they sharing a room? That's the first thing I'd be finding out. But even if they're not, I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it.

prettyrestless

liquoriceall wrote: »

Im friends with 2 exs and we hang out, go drinking etc and there is no issues that Im aware of from current partners??
I dont see why it would be less than legitamite?
Maybe offer to drop them to the airport then the girl will know he has a gf?!

Being friends with a genuine ex is fine. You had a relationship, you know each other, it's normal to maintain a friendship if you parted on good terms. Meeting someone online, going on a few dates then deciding you're not compatible but deciding to be besties is a tad unusual.

Shelga

OP again. They're going away to a comedy festival in another city (I live in the UK so you can probably guess which one)- and are sharing a room- twin or bunk beds, not sure yet. He seemed to get that this was weird and hurriedly reassured me.

He didn't lie- very early on when we met he mentioned he was going to this festival, and as the weeks went by he said it was with this girl. He hasn't asked me along but tbh I don't want to spend a weekend with him and his ex-fling/whatever- I want to spend it with him alone if we go away somewhere for the first time.

Reading the responses is letting me admit that this really bothers me. I don't have to constantly be 'the cool girl'- I think anyone would be bothered by this.

He also met this ex for drinks while I was away last week. It's the combination of everything that's bothering me. Yes, I'm glad he's open about it, but it does feel like he has a fallback list, as another poster pointed out. He broke up with someone around 18 months ago, same as me, and since then seems to have been throwing himself into meeting girls with gusto and gaining loads of confidence. Not a bad thing, but I think he needs to majorly pull back if we're to be together.

I've decided I'm going to have a chat with him about this and not keep brushing it off- but should I wait til after he comes back from this weekend? I don't see what purpose having a serious conversation would serve either of us just as the weekend is meant to begin. It just annoys me that it's going to be on my mind until I see him again next week.

Thanks for the replies so far- really helpful!

ibarelycare

They're sharing a room?? No way would I be happy about that. They slept together once so there's obviously an attraction there, there's probably still chemistry, they're going away to a festival where they're going to likely be drinking...I'll be shocked if nothing happens between them on the weekend away.

Magicmatilda

Does she know he has a girlfriend?

Has he asked you to go? I know you said you wouldn't but has he even suggested it, why would he not?

I would be uncomfortable in the extreme with this situation. Have you met this girl? I would tell him that you want to arrange a meeting/drinks with her for after they get back. Seeeing that they are such great friends - you should meet.

Merkin

I wouldn't be happy about this at all. Sharing a room and having a cosy weekend away is just too intimate. I also find it extremely odd that he met her for drinks when you were away last week. Are you sure that SHE doesn't think she's his girlfriend too? Have you met her or is he keen to keep you both seperate?

OneOfThem

Yeah I'd say wait until after the weekend. This is a trip he had planned before he even met you. Bringing it up as an issue right before he goes would just be wrecking it on him tbh. Perfectly fine to say, when he gets back "yeah, I wouldn't be mad about you heading off and sharing a room with a girl you'd previously slept with again. I trust you and all, but it'd just make me a bit uncomfortable".

As to is it weird to stay friends with someone you've slept with but jot had a relationship with? I'm not sure if call it weird. But it's apparently unusual, in that most people don't. But I did regularly over the years. I'd tend to date and sleep with people I found fun and interesting and good craic to be around, people I liked, I didn't stop liking them or enjoying their company because we didn't start a relationship, or because we'd had sex. One of my girlfriends best friends is a guy she met on a dating site, but didn't have a relationship with. So yeah, it does happen that people make friends in that way.

Barely There

At best it's incredibly disrespectful.

There's no way I'd be happy with what you outlined.


Given they've previously slept together and are sharing a room on a weekend away, I'd be surprised if they don't end up having sex.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I'm pretty shocked by this thread tbh. If my boyfriend told me he was going to go for a one-on-one weekend away with a female friend (let alone one he'd shagged!), I'd be letting him know in no uncertain terms that it was completely unaccaptable if he wanted to remain my boyfriend - and I'd then be letting him choose his path accordingly.

The same way I'd never in a million years go for a cosy trip away with any other man except my boyfriend. IMO it's just basic respect and consideration for the relationship you're in.

What is there even to discuss! The nerve of some people. Sheesh. :rolleyes:

(As an aside, your bf is bad news I'm afraid. Jotunheim is bang on the money, read that post very carefully, sign of things to come if you stay with this guy, I fear.)

Wright

liquoriceall wrote: »

Im friends with 2 exs and we hang out, go drinking etc and there is no issues that Im aware of from current partners??
I dont see why it would be less than legitamite?
Maybe offer to drop them to the airport then the girl will know he has a gf?!

Ah yeah but this is a trip away like. Just the two of them.

Exclamation Marc

Speaking from a guys point of view who went on plenty of online dates last year and slept with a few of them just the once, it's very very weird to remain friends with them. Similarly I met a lot of people which built confidence that I didn't have before (as I'd lost loads of weight) which made me go on more dates but just nothing happened after the first or second dates. I certainly wasn't sleeping around or aiming for one night stands so there was never a bad intention in me. Staying friends with them though is not something I could even comprehend unless I still had some interest in them. Even if I was blissfully naive and had zero interest, I'd imagine the girl still had interest in me and was hoping for something had any 'friendship' remained.

If it was me being the bf, I would have cancelled the trip straight away as it's only reasonable. This other girl is hardly a lifetime friend, it's some blow-in from last year. And even if I absolutely could not cancel (which I can't see any reason why I wouldn't), I'd book a separate room regardless of the cost.

If you're now official, he should be cutting these deadwood ex-dates out of his life. If he's 100% innocent and naive, he could be going on holidays with this girl who's hoping to get him smashed drunk and make a move.

You keep these people in your life as options or fall-backs in case things go sour so you can make that call again. I kept a good few girls in my phonebook and chatted to them from time to time and met one or two when I was single or after a single date. That was for options. But I wasn't tied down in any regard. As soon as I started seriously dating someone at the end of last year, all those numbers were deleted out of my phone book straight away and that was the end of it.

Given that it's effectively Friday and he's going away tomorrow, it might be best to leave it until he gets back as he's not going to cancel and sending him away mid-argument is only going to increase any potential of an issue on holiday.

But honestly, if it was the one person I wouldn't be quick to judge and say he's 'definitely' going to sleep with them but you're saying there's 'quite a few' girls; to me that's bizarre. It's one thing hitting it off with someone and realising its entirely platonic, that can happen. But keeping all these ex-conquests around as well as an ex, big no no. He sounds like a guy who likes to keep his options open, because let's be honest, he can't suddenly have found so many best mates in the last year that he can't let go of.

Shelga

I spoke with him this evening, couldn't keep it to myself.

Although it's them sharing a room, there are other people on the trip, which I wasn't aware of. He said I was welcome to come. He sent me screenshots of thw booking website, showing that prices have increased ~300% since they booked.

Still not happy, and feel this sets things off on the wrong foot. I told him he should be pulling way back on this type of thing; he agreed and said we should now be the ones to make each other happy.

I'm going to overlook this weekend and give it a shot. My instinct says he is being honest. I don't have a history of arseholes and things have usually ended amicably in the past; I'd like to think I can trust my instinct. They've been friends between one and two years.

We'll see what happens, I expect a certain standard from here on in.

njs030

If there's other people on the trip couldn't he swap with someone else? As in share with someone he hasn't slept with.

Exclamation Marc

Shelga wrote: »

I spoke with him this evening, couldn't keep it to myself.

Although it's them sharing a room, there are other people on the trip, which I wasn't aware of. He said I was welcome to come. He sent me screenshots of thw booking website, showing that prices have increased ~300% since they booked.

Still not happy, and feel this sets things off on the wrong foot. I told him he should be pulling way back on this type of thing; he agreed and said we should now be the ones to make each other happy.

I'm going to overlook this weekend and give it a shot. My instinct says he is being honest. I don't have a history of arseholes and things have usually ended amicably in the past; I'd like to think I can trust my instinct.

Your instinct is best and better than all of us here as you know the guy.

If he's agreed to pull way back then you can't really ask for much more on that front, just keep an eye on him to make sure he follows through and isn't all talk. It's very easy to appease someone, it's another to make good on that promise.

The only thing I would say is that if there are other people going on this trip, it would surely mean that he could pull out and he wouldn't be leaving her in the lurch as other people would be going. And saying that you could come after showing you that prices are now 300% higher is slightly disingenuous. It's a new relationship very much in the honeymoon stage, cancelling and spending the weekend with you should not a huge thing. I'd be happy to take that kind of hit for the sake of someone new I was mad about. He could at least swap rooms with someone else.

I still wouldn't be very happy (given that he can easily cancel) but you know the guy best and if you've good instinct, hopefully you're on the money with this one.

Wright

Shelga wrote: »

Although it's them sharing a room

ah here

Jotunheim

Shelga wrote: »

He said I was welcome to come.

He had to say that to play it cool. If it was a serious offer he could have said it long ago when you could do something about it.

Shelga wrote: »

He sent me screenshots of thw booking website, showing that prices have increased ~300% since they booked.

And this shows just how insincere the offer was. "You're welcome to come, now here's all the reasons you shouldn't come".


You've been drip-fed information as it suits him, he's going away with a girl he previously had sex with and they're sharing a room, he recently met her for a drink while you were away. How many signs do you want that he is nothing but a player?


Send him a text or mail there and tell him great news, you're going along and you don't mind paying for a room for the two of you. Bet you next weeks wages he'll come back with some excuse why that can't happen and throws it back on you. "It wouldn't be fair on her....", "there won't be a room left, I've been looking for us", "You and I are good, do you not trust me?" etc.

ibarelycare

Shelga wrote: »

I spoke with him this evening, couldn't keep it to myself.

Although it's them sharing a room, there are other people on the trip, which I wasn't aware of. He said I was welcome to come. He sent me screenshots of thw booking website, showing that prices have increased ~300% since they booked.

Still not happy, and feel this sets things off on the wrong foot. I told him he should be pulling way back on this type of thing; he agreed and said we should now be the ones to make each other happy.

I'm going to overlook this weekend and give it a shot. My instinct says he is being honest. I don't have a history of arseholes and things have usually ended amicably in the past; I'd like to think I can trust my instinct. They've been friends between one and two years.

We'll see what happens, I expect a certain standard from here on in.

Why didn't he tell you about the other people on the trip until now? It's strange that he'd only tell you that when challenged. Are they all sharing a room (hostel type thing) or are they pairing off?

His withholding of information is highly suspicious. I think you're letting him off way too easy.

Ash.J.Williams

His story evolves the more questions you ask

OneOfThem

ibarelycare wrote: »

Why didn't he tell you about the other people on the trip until now? It's strange that he'd only tell you that when challenged. Are they all sharing a room (hostel type thing) or are they pairing off?

His withholding of information is highly suspicious. I think you're letting him off way too easy.

I disagree. If he was hiding anything he would have just said he was going with a group of friends from the start and left it at that. He didn't have to tell her this girl was even coming. He didn't have to say he'd be sharing a room with her. He didn't have to tell her he'd slept with her. It sou do like he's been nothing but honest and forthcoming from the outset. I think it's really unfair the guys getting hung out to dry here by people on the thread tbh. Why would anyone be honest and open about these kind of things when seemingly you just screw yourself over by doing so.

(this isn't the same girl that he went for a drink with while the OP was away for the people using that ad another reason to string him up btw. That was his ex girlfriend from 18 months ago. Different girl. Sounds like he was also open about that when he could have said nothing).

OP it sounds like he's been nothing but open and transparent with you. This is a good thing. It would have been easy for him to lie to you about these things. He chose to do the right thing. Don't punish him for it or he may chose to be less than forthcoming in the future, as honesty seemingly gets him no where if the responses in this thread are anything to go by.

This is a trip he booked and had planned from before he even knew you existed. He's done nothing wrong and gone above and beyond what a lot of guys would have done to ensure honesty and transparency with you. He's either a decent bloke who sees a real future with you and so is determined to be honest with you at all times, even when the far easier thing would be to keep his mouth shut. Or some machavelian mastermind constructing elaborate double bluffs left right and centre with maximum risk and minimal reward for doing so. I think the former seems the far more likely.