Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?

Put yourselves in the shoes of the person being cheated on (lets presume youre in an average relationship i.e. none of the above situations)would you prefer to be told about it or not? I would definitely want to know and Im adult enough not to shoot the messenger.

NachoBusiness wrote: »

See, I just don't see how you could be sure someone is cheating and yet also not pass judgement on their relationship. Are you a robot? If it's an open relationship, no harm done. I mean, what situation do you fear would occur. In what specific relationship dynamic do you think it would be better not to say anything? You see, I can't think of one but I'm open to being convinced of otherwise if you think there is something which I haven't considered here.

Nah, not a robot or anything, but basically from my perspective - you see enough sh1t and somehow cheating just isn't that big a deal any more. We're talking here about interfering in a complete strangers relationship and me personally I just wouldn't do that without being willing to go all in. I wouldn't just drop that bomb on someone and walk away. I couldn't do that. If I wasn't prepared to go all in, then I stay the hell out and mind my own business.

And say what? 'We know you're cheating on your husband, stop it'. She'd most likely laugh and even if she didn't, what could she promise: 'Okay girls, I'll stop'. Come on. Approaching the cheater like that would be pointless.

Yep, I knew even saying it that it'd be pointless, but I figured it'd appease some of those people that'd be like "Well, at least I said something" if you get me? :pac:

You keep saying they would be making a 'judgement' but I am framing this question in such a way that the person would be sure that your OH is cheating (again, I know it's possible for people to make mistakes, but I am not framing the question in that context). The person would be telling you something that would be quite specific and then leaving. It would be matter of fact for them: your OH has a female contact in her phone that is really a guy and this person has seen her texting some pretty explicit things to them. Boom. You're left there with that information in your head. Now, you're saying you would trust you OH implicitly and dismiss this person out of hand, for no obvious reason? Noble and all as came across to you? As just being mistaken or wrongheaded and then just get on with your life? Never thinking about the woman again?

Well I mean they're making a judgement in the sense that they're judging my OH as this 'terrible person' and they need to let me know. Eesh, I'll be honest Nacho, I could never stand do-gooders like that. I mean, I'm all for someone helping out if someone comes to them for help, and often people come to me for help without judgement, but these people that inject themselves into other people's relationships because that person's behaviour offends their morality... on balance, I have less time for "morally righteous" types than I do for cheaters tbh.

As it happens, my phone contains explicit content that to the outside world would look like I'm a right man-whore, but that simply isn't true. I can however understand though how a third party might draw the wrong conclusions were they given access to my phone. Thank fcuk for encryption and remote wipe then :pac:

Well, you're a better man than me, cause if someone told me that, I don't think I would be able to get it out of my head until I had checked my OH's phone to see of there was any basis for what they had planted in my head. I would simply have to know. Especially as they would have no motive for making it up. I think I would tell my OH afterwards though, what happened, even if I found nothing. Someone says something that specific, I just know I would give it some credence, no matter how painful it was for me. I don't think doubt or fear = lack of love. In fact, I can't understand how someone could just think, 'No way, not a chance they seen what they thought they did and I'm never going to think about them again'. That, seems bizarre to me.

Nah, that's just it really for me. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone else. I know myself I've done some terrible things in my life, so I'm not going to judge someone cheating too harshly, it'd depend on the circumstances really, but in the case of a complete stranger - I know nothing about them, I don't know what's motivating their decision to cheat, I don't know whether their partner is just turning a blind eye and would be humiliated by me pointing out that his OH is a bit flighty! :pac:

I know of course in the scenario you present above, yeah, curiosity can get the better of some people sometimes, but I always say to people that they shouldn't go snooping in other people's business, they may not like what they find, and nine times out of ten, they don't, because they're already of a mind that something is wrong, and they're going to filter everything they see through that lens.

I don't think fear or doubt = lack of love either btw, but it does indicate a lack of trust. For instance, I know my wife loves me, but I also know she doesn't trust me as far as she could throw me!

Anyway, here's a good video I've found which illustrates this dilemma quite nicely I think.

Couple in a bar having a drink, discussing their upcoming wedding. Soon to be bride goes to toilet, bridesmaid comes in and it becomes clear to customers that they are having an affair. Bride comes back, bridesmaid leaves and soon to be groom goes to the toilet. Will the customers tell her? (three different sets of customers are tested):

Kinda reminds me of a situation I was in a couple of months back. I'm friends with a couple who were due to be married a month later, and I'd known them both a few years. This particular night anyway his girlfriend shall we say, made her intentions pretty clear as to what she wanted to happen between myself and herself. I basically told her I wasn't interested. I wasn't going to ruin her life and go running to her boyfriend telling him that his girlfriend is flighty and all the rest of it. It turns out since that it was just pre-wedding jitters and all the rest of it and I don't think she really ever actually wanted to cheat in the first place really, good catholic girl like her doing something like that... tsk! :pac:

Seriously though, yes, she is indeed one of those "morally righteous" types in other respects, but that's not the reason I wouldn't do anything with her, I simply wasn't interested is all.

Telling someone isnt about making yourself feel good or being a hero imo, its about letting someone know that they are being made a total fool of by their partner. The only people I would tell to their face would be my own family..if it was being done to a friend /stranger or even to my siblings partners I would do it anonymously.

Tbh, looks like we're fairly polarised on it. Some people would, some people wouldn't. Most of us by the poll wouldn't. I don't think we're going to convince each other as regards something so grey-area and morality-based.

I can't blame those that would. I wouldn't myself unless I felt it really needed to be done, and I admit, I wouldn't have been reading someone's phone messages over their shoulder like the two girls were, so I'd never be in -that- specific situation. If, say, I was at a party, and I saw someone's husband kissing someone else's wife while the two OHs were out of the room, and they were..well, publically humiliating their partners, I might.

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Problem is, all the examples are edge-cases (some which are extremely uncommon scenarios), many that have been dealt with earlier; they are edge-cases that warrant being more cautious, but they aren't really impediments to informing.

There are a lot of people out there whose lives are harmed though not being informed by cheating, through wasting years and years of their lives with someone (sometimes decades), harm to their health from STD's the cheater picked up, and even having kids (or, unknowingly, someone elses kids...) with someone, among more - all definite cases of harm, some of which (wasting time with someone) occur with a large number of cases of cheating.

This harm is far more prevalent than any of the edge-cases people provide in favour of not informing.

Oh quite, and I won't say that my own opinion isn't affected by previous experience (of getting into the middle of relationship drama, that is). My main point here is that with total strangers, one just doesn't know what the situation is.

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Hmm...but you've posted many times how you have been the 'other guy' in an affair, so how can you say to others that they shouldn't interfere in peoples relationships, when you've done that on many occasions?

You're twisting what Wibbs said. He said it's best to avoid interfering in other people's relationships. It's a bit like a quote I read recently -

"Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement"

KomradeBishop wrote: »

I've edited my post to include that context, and it doesn't change the main point of my post at all - that's not 'twisting' words.

My take on that would be that if it wasnt Wibbs it would have been someone else(sorry Wibbs:D)..The blame lies with the cheater imo.

No, I'm not "just saying random stuff". It makes you feel better to think that you've done the Morally Righteous thing. I'm not arguing that in your philosophy it IS the MR thing. I'm not so sure, but you can have the manners to not just dismiss me as talking rubbish simply because you disagree that there can ever be a situation where your interference/moral guardianship will make things worse.

You do not know that it will "do more good than harm". For all you know, it might have blown over, the cheater will feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves for their fling and things will settle back again. You heard the phrase "least said, soonest mended"? I'm not saying this is Right either, but it certainly happens.

I do not know if it will do "good". Sure, the cheat will be punished, lose his relationship and have only himself/herself to blame. Hurrah, all is right with the world. The cheatee also loses his/her relationship and self-confidence. But at least they're no longer with a cheater.

Realistically, there is no good in the whole mess, and that IS the fault of the cheater. I respect that you see it as it should be done and would do it. I don't know that I would. But that is my moral boundaries, and I don't think you'll convince me otherwise with the arguments so far. But that's just how things go.

KomradeBishop wrote: »

There was another good debate on this recently in a different thread, but the idea that the other guys is not 'owed' anything isn't really a valid argument; everyone is owed a certain minimum level of respect by others - it's just basic empathy and common decency - harming someone by having an affair with their partner, is wrong and that person doesn't deserve you doing that to them.

God, if there's one thing I hate, it's the concept of "I owe you nothing, you EARN my respect." It surprisingly rarely is extended to not wanting any respect either until oneself has worked for it.

Base level of respect, manners and humanity due another person, in my eyes. Anyone that insists that I get no respect for them until I proven myself worthy in their eyes can quite frankly go hang. They will have my respect until they lose it. But that's a pretty good way to lose it!

KomradeBishop wrote: »

There was another good debate on this recently in a different thread, but the idea that the other guys is not 'owed' anything isn't really a valid argument; everyone is owed a certain minimum level of respect by others - it's just basic empathy and common decency - harming someone by having an affair with their partner, is wrong and that person doesn't deserve you doing that to them.

I remember that thread but I still feel that if you and me were a couple:D and you had a ons/affair that my issue is with you not the other person ,anyway this is prob derailing at this stage.We will have to reopen the other thread.