Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?

NachoBusiness

Well, that's what some girls at a baseball game in the states did a few days ago and then posted it on Twitter, where it has been retweeted 19,000 times already. Hope they're right so..

Woman busted for sexting another man - by two strangers at baseball game

If you're sending dirty texts to the person you're cheating on your partner with, maybe don't do it in public.

That's the lesson to learn from the two woman at a baseball game who happened to notice the couple in front of them weren't on the same wavelength.

While her male partner was sitting to her right at the game in Lowell, North Carolina, USA, this woman seemed to be sending detailed texts involving fantasies to someone labelled 'Nancy' in her iPhone.

But on closer inspection, the women behind - named Brynn and Delana - realised that it was in fact a man called Mark she was messaging - and he wasn't her husband.

The pair wrote a note to the woman's partner: "Your wife is cheating on you. Look at the messages under Nancy!

"It's really a man named Mark Allen. Sorry, just thought you should know!"

https://twitter.com/LUV2BCH_/status/624023588769804289


I think I would do the same if I knew 100% but if there was a doubt in my mind, I wouldn't.

What would you do if you witnessed the same or similar?

J. Marston

Probably, but I wouldn't broadcast it to the world.

Davei141

Don't complain if somebody caves your head in for it though.

tomwaterford

Nothing to do with...so I'd stay outta it

Could they not have told her husband sitting beside her??
Looks desperately like attention seeking and not being helpful

NachoBusiness

tomwaterford wrote: »

Could they not have told her husband sitting beside her??

Might not even be going out. Could be just a friend.

Here's a short video clip they posted also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKDRSzjmIfM

Mesrine65

Why would I?

Strangers problem, his/her luck out.

PlainP

tomwaterford wrote: »

Nothing to do with...so I'd stay outta it

Could they not have told her husband sitting beside her??
Looks desperately like attention seeking and not being helpful

Did you even read the OP?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Only if they didn't cave in to my blackmail demands.

KomradeBishop

Probably, yes - if it could be done anonymously, or if I would be gone by the time they are confronting one another over it.

It's funny the lengths people will go to, to try and make the person informing on the cheater look bad - i.e. as if the person deserving judgement is the person informing on the cheater, rather than the cheater.

Samaris

Meeeh. No.

That's one of those cases where interfering right now will only bring the inevitable pain forward for the guy.

Best case scenario (?) - She realises that she's being a dick to her husband, ends the affair, flash in the pan, least said soonest mended and/or she tells him, they talk it out and figure things out from there.
Second best scenario - She realises she's being a dick to her husband, she loves the Mark guy, divorce and they move on with their lives
Pretty **** scenario - He finds out from Ashley Madison.
Really **** situation - Couple of total strangers tell him his wife's cheating on him while he's stuck in the middle of a day out in the midst of thousands of people, and sitting beside her.

One eyed Jack

I think in that particular situation, the "reportees" were only looking for notoriety for themselves. They don't seem at all to have actually considered her husband, but were rather taking some sort of spiteful glee in publically humiliating this woman, a complete stranger to them.

No, I wouldn't do it, not to a friend and certainly not to a complete stranger. I'd gain nothing from it only the knowledge that I were a childish, spiteful bastard. I don't have much regard for anyone who interferes in someone's life like that simply in order to humiliate them.

NachoBusiness

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I don't have much regard for anyone who interferes in someone's life like that simply in order to humiliate them.

Well, I don't have much regard for cheats...

I despise them in fact and hand on heart, has never happened to me but I can't understand how people who would have no problem turning in car thief or a pick pocket or whatever, would draw the line at turning in someone that was cheating?

I'd want to be 100% on it now though. No way I would risk sticking my oar into waters I had no idea about. If I was to tell someone that their girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband was cheating, then I would have to be damn sure of it. But if I was damn sure, fcuk them, they can reap what they sowed

KomradeBishop

The question isn't "would you inform on a cheater to be spiteful and for fun?" though, it is "Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?", so focusing only on the former, comes across as casting aspersions on all people who would inform on a cheater, not just in this particular circumstance.

The way the people in the OP informed the guy, was wrong and childish in many ways, but the same situation absent the self-promotion of the two in the video, would be fair game really - if they hadn't informed the guy, he might never have found out he was being betrayed.

wylie

Yes i would, Not over the internet. I was cheated on and it hurts. Especially when in the same circle of friends. Bitch...lol

Hammer89

This is kinda like the other d*ckheads in the Danny Ward video. Their motivation stems not from the satisfaction of doing the right thing, but the attention that they'll receive on social media.

zeffabelli

Nope. None of my business.

Idjit

I wouldn't if it was a stranger. Because I don't know them or their situation so something that seems undoubtedly like cheating to me might be a totally different scenerio that I don't understand.

However, if it was a mate where I knew which parties were definitely in a relationship and the boundaries of their situation; that would be a different kettle of fish altogether.

Playboy

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Well, I don't have much regard for cheats...

I despise them in fact and hand on heart, has never happened to me but I can't understand how people who would have no problem turning in car thief or a pick pocket or whatever, would draw the line at turning in someone that was cheating?

I'd want to be 100% on it now though. No way I would risk sticking my oar into waters I had no idea about. If I was to tell someone that their girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband was cheating, then I would have to be damn sure of it. But if I was damn sure, fcuk them, they can reap what they sowed

Its none of your business. No one is breaking the law so stay the hell out of it. I don't understand why people feel the need to involve themselves in the private affairs of people they have no connection to. If it was friend or a relative then maybe but grassing up a stranger? That's out of order imo. You have no idea what kind of relationship they have, what the rules are, has one person cheated before, is one person an abuse victim... there could be a million different reasons but the most important reason is its none of your business and no one is asking for your involvement or opinion.

NachoBusiness

zeffabelli wrote: »

Nope. None of my business.

Out of curiosity, is that just with people you don't know personally, or would you also feel that friend's and work colleagues having affairs would also be none of your business?

zl1whqvjs75cdy

How did the two find out the guys full name when the cheater had the name is as Nancy? They must have been sitting on her shoulder. I'm deeply cynical about this, the two obviously just did it for social media fame and don't really give a ****e who your one sleeps with. This kind of takes away from the "good Samaritan" aspect of it for me.

AS per the question would I tell a stranger their partner is cheating on them. Probably not, they'd never believe you anyway. I once told a (now ex) friend his missus was cheating on him, I was 100 % sure I was right but he didn't believe me. He's still with her and no longer talks to me. If your "mates" aren't going to believe you when you dish the dirt there's no way a stranger would.

One eyed Jack

KomradeBishop wrote: »

The question isn't "would you inform on a cheater to be spiteful and for fun?" though, it is "Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?", so focusing only on the former, comes across as casting aspersions on all people who would inform on a cheater, not just in this particular circumstance.

The way the people in the OP informed the guy, was wrong and childish in many ways, but the same situation absent the self-promotion of the two in the video, would be fair game really - if they hadn't informed the guy, he might never have found out he was being betrayed.

But you're only supposed to be answering from the perspective of the former if you're putting yourself in the position of the former? The answer is still no, I wouldn't inform a complete stranger that their partner is cheating on them.

What those two women did though, was entirely self-promotional, it's the newest way to spread gossip and get some attention for yourself. They didn't just tell her husband, they told a whole bloody community, I doubt very much that woman's husband followed them on twitter.

They're playing with people's lives and while I obviously don't condone cheating, I don't condone publically humiliating someone for self-promotional reasons either.

KomradeBishop

Playboy wrote: »

Its none of your business. No one is breaking the law so stay the hell out of it. I don't understand why people feel the need to involve themselves in the private affairs of people they have no connection to. If it was friend or a relative then maybe but grassing up a stranger? That's out of order imo. You have no idea what kind of relationship they have, what the rules are, has one person cheated before, is one person an abuse victim... there could be a million different reasons but the most important reason is its none of your business and no one is asking for your involvement or opinion.

If you don't know what kind of relationship they have - e.g. say they are polyamorous - what harm is going to come from informing the guy? He'd just shrug it off, with no harm done (since it's consensual).
In what exact circumstances, can harm be caused, except in cases where cheating is actually going on? (where the 'harm' is to the cheater, having been found out)

I'm pretty sure the guy would be glad to know he's being cheated on (obviously not glad at the fact that he's been cheated on, but that he at least now knows).

How many people here, who have been cheated on, would be glad (or not be glad) to have a stranger give them a tip like this?


You could choose to get involved, simply because you don't like the fact that the person is cheating, and feel bad for the person being cheated on - i.e. just a basic sense of justice and empathy - I can't see how the 'none of your business' stuff here, serves to do anything other than enable cheaters.

Medusa22

I don't think I'd get involved to be honest, I'm sure that a lot of the time the partner being cheated on won't thank you for your interference. In this instance especially it seems that those women were just looking for attention and were not considering the feelings of the husband at all, and how he'd feel about finding out in that way, and having it posted all over twitter is just humiliating for both of the people involved. They shouldn't have been reading texts over that woman's shoulder anyway, and whatever they saw didn't concern them.

KomradeBishop

One eyed Jack wrote: »

But you're only supposed to be answering from the perspective of the former if you're putting yourself in the position of the former? The answer is still no, I wouldn't inform a complete stranger that their partner is cheating on them.

What those two women did though, was entirely self-promotional, it's the newest way to spread gossip and get some attention for yourself. They didn't just tell her husband, they told a whole bloody community, I doubt very much that woman's husband followed them on twitter.

They're playing with people's lives and while I obviously don't condone cheating, I don't condone publically humiliating someone for self-promotional reasons either.

I agree about the womens motives not being good, that they were being self-promotional/childish etc., it's just the way you phrased it (and in the context of the thread title), it came across like you were casting the same aspersions to all people who would inform on cheaters.

If that's not the way you meant it, fair enough - just was ambiguous.

NachoBusiness

donkeyoaty0099 wrote: »

AS per the question would I tell a stranger their partner is cheating on them. Probably not, they'd never believe you anyway. I once told a (now ex) friend his missus was cheating on him, I was 100 % sure I was right but he didn't believe me. He's still with her and no longer talks to me. If your "mates" aren't going to believe you when you dish the dirt there's no way a stranger would.

This guy probably felt that might happen to him and so he recorded it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cf8EeaassAU

One eyed Jack

KomradeBishop wrote: »

I agree about the womens motives not being good, that they were being self-promotional/childish etc., it's just the way you phrased it (and in the context of the thread title), it came across like you were casting the same aspersions to all people who would inform on cheaters.

If that's not the way you meant it, fair enough - just was ambiguous.

Ohh no, geez if other people would inform on someone who they thought was cheating on their partner or whatever, that's their own business, and I'd want no part in that either, but just from my own perspective, if it was me, I wouldn't.

I've often been in that situation where I knew someone was cheating on their partner, and I've had a word with the partner that was cheating. I don't think there's anything to be gained from informing the person being cheated on that their partner is cheating on them, it just adds humiliation to hurt, knowing that not only has their partner been cheating on them, but also that someone else knew about it before they did.

spurious

Only the people involved in a relationship really know what is going on in it. Not my business to interfere.

Two noticeboxes - your one's username (@LUV2BCH_) would tell you as much.

The game must have been sh1te.

The_Valeyard

Well, that proof!!! Right there!!!


Baseball is so boring, people would rather out cheating partners than follow the game.

And to answer the OP, no I wouldn't. I've seen what happens when people get involved in others relationships, it can get very nasty and messy very quickly.

KomradeBishop

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Ohh no, geez if other people would inform on someone who they thought was cheating on their partner or whatever, that's their own business, and I'd want no part in that either, but just from my own perspective, if it was me, I wouldn't.

I've often been in that situation where I knew someone was cheating on their partner, and I've had a word with the partner that was cheating. I don't think there's anything to be gained from informing the person being cheated on that their partner is cheating on them, it just adds humiliation to hurt, knowing that not only has their partner been cheating on them, but also that someone else knew about it before they did.

Okey - but in that situation, how long did the person stay with the cheater since you found out, before they themselves found out they were being cheated on?

You could easily save them a lot of wasted time staying with someone who is betraying them, by letting them know - and if they break it off earlier, then you save him the humiliation, of more people finding out he's being cheated on, before he eventually finds out (assuming he ever does - some people could end up wasting decades staying with a partner who betrayes them, if nobody took the decision to let them know).

LeBash

I've often said it to hotties and followed shortly by, we should get him back. It's surprising how often it works

ALiasEX

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Okey - but in that situation, how long did the person stay with the cheater since you found out, before they themselves found out they were being cheated on?

You could easily save them a lot of wasted time staying with someone who is betraying them, by letting them know - and if they break it off earlier, then you save him the humiliation, of more people finding out he's being cheated on, before he eventually finds out (assuming he ever does - some people could end up wasting decades staying with a partner who betrayes them, if nobody took the decision to let them know).

And may save them having a child with the scumbag.

KomradeBishop

Ya, or even someone elses child.

One eyed Jack

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Okey - but in that situation, how long did the person stay with the cheater since you found out, before they themselves found out they were being cheated on?

As you pointed out below, it varies, just as much as the whole motivations for cheating vary and the dynamics within the relationship itself vary. That's why I'll never rush to judge people in that situation, I simply don't see it as my place to do so.

You could easily save them a lot of wasted time staying with someone who is betraying them, by letting them know - and if they break it off earlier, then you save him the humiliation, of more people finding out he's being cheated on, before he eventually finds out (assuming he ever does - some people could end up wasting decades staying with a partner who betrayes them, if nobody took the decision to let them know).

And there's the crux of the matter and why it can only be down to each individual to answer for themselves - who gives anyone "the right", to interfere in someone else's relationship?

Two wrongs have never made a right in my book, and so that "decision to let someone know", are you doing it out of genuine concern for someone, or are you doing it because their actions don't sit right on your moral compass, and you'll not be having that?

zeffabelli

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Out of curiosity, is that just with people you don't know personally, or would you also feel that friend's and work colleagues having affairs would also be none of your business?

None of it would be my business because no one can understand what exists between two others.

I would not throw a stone into an unknown pond with no idea of the consequences of what would happen without holding myself a little responsible for those consequences.

NachoBusiness

zeffabelli wrote: »

I would not throw a stone into an unknown pond with no idea of the consequences of what would happen...

Ah, I like the way you kept up the waterways theme and extrapolated on my 'oar in waters' unknown analogy. Respect.

zeffabelli

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Okey - but in that situation, how long did the person stay with the cheater since you found out, before they themselves found out they were being cheated on?

You could easily save them a lot of wasted time staying with someone who is betraying them, by letting them know - and if they break it off earlier, then you save him the humiliation, of more people finding out he's being cheated on, before he eventually finds out (assuming he ever does - some people could end up wasting decades staying with a partner who betrayes them, if nobody took the decision to let them know).

You could also earn them a black eye or a custody battle. Point is you don't know.

freshpopcorn

Probably not, people are in many different types of relationships now a days and in my opinion you might end up doing more harm than good for the couple/yourself. You never know how somebody is going to react. They might also be children involved and I don't think it would be fare on them for their parents issues to to be shared over the Internet.
If I were to do it. I'd do It privately. In my honest opinion anybody who'd do this over the net only wants a bit of social media fame.

KomradeBishop

One eyed Jack wrote: »

As you pointed out below, it varies, just as much as the whole motivations for cheating vary and the dynamics within the relationship itself vary. That's why I'll never rush to judge people in that situation, I simply don't see it as my place to do so.

Why did you dodge the question though? I was talking about the specific situation you described; how long did the person stay with the cheater, while being cheated on?

To be honest, stuff like the 'motivations for cheating vary' and about 'dynamics within the relationship' - all of that is just hand-wavy nonsense - cheating is just plain wrong, outside of some really improbable edge-cases...

Cheating is simply a betrayal of trust, and that is pretty much (outside of extremely rare edge cases) always definitely wrong.

One eyed Jack wrote: »

And there's the crux of the matter and why it can only be down to each individual to answer for themselves - who gives anyone "the right", to interfere in someone else's relationship?

Two wrongs have never made a right in my book, and so that "decision to let someone know", are you doing it out of genuine concern for someone, or are you doing it because their actions don't sit right on your moral compass, and you'll not be having that?

The 'none of your business' and 'interfering in someone else's relationship' stuff are morally invalid arguments - they only serve to protect cheaters, and hide the truth from people being cheated on.

Do you think people who have been cheated on, think the person informing them of the cheating should "mind their own business", and should not have informed them?

Don't think so - as I said, those arguments only serve to protect cheaters - and there is nothing morally wrong with informing on a cheater (it's not a case of 'two wrongs making a right' - that again, is a morally invalid argument, that serves to only protect cheaters).


This below takes things a bit further than most people would agree with, but is my view of it:
The morally dubious action, really is to be protecting the cheater, by remaining silent - that's what people are tacitly doing, when they stay silent - but that is understandable morally, if it could cause blow-back for you.

So, unless a person is at risk themselves in doing so, there is really a moral duty to inform on cheaters - the same way as if you witnessed a robbery, there's a moral duty to report that; cheating is not a crime, but in both cases something morally wrong is being committed, which harms someone.

KomradeBishop

zeffabelli wrote: »

You could also earn them a black eye or a custody battle. Point is you don't know.

A custody battle would be the fault/responsibility of the cheater - but a person in an abusive relationship (the black eye), would be a legitimate case for not informing.

I think in this thread and another recent thread, the case of abusive/coercive relationships, is the only edge-case I've seen, where cheating can be justified - and I think these cases are not very likely/probable among overall cheating (not just abusive relationships, but such relationships + cheating).

I think in society, there are a hell of a lot of faulty arguments perpetuated, to protect cheaters - it seems relatively common for people to believe them.

zeffabelli

KomradeBishop wrote: »

A custody battle would be the fault/responsibility of the cheater - but a person in an abusive relationship (the black eye), would be a legitimate case for not informing.

I think in this thread and another recent thread, the case of abusive/coercive relationships, is the only edge-case I've seen, where cheating can be justified - and I think these cases are not very likely/probable.

I think in society, there are a hell of a lot of faulty arguments perpetuated, to protect cheaters - it seems relatively common for people to believe them.

I would also see it as tattling, and it's not my story to tell.

If you tell you are a little responsible for the fallout, including kids who now have split homes and a lifetime of suitcases in the hallway.

Because you take that persons story, their narrative out of their control, and the morality of that is also questionable.

NachoBusiness

Playboy wrote: »

Its none of your business. No one is breaking the law so stay the hell out of it. I don't understand why people feel the need to involve themselves in the private affairs of people they have no connection to. If it was friend or a relative then maybe but grassing up a stranger? That's out of order imo. You have no idea what kind of relationship they have, what the rules are, has one person cheated before, is one person an abuse victim... there could be a million different reasons but the most important reason is its none of your business and no one is asking for your involvement or opinion.

So you cite three reasons not to do it..

1) The other person has cheated before.

Well, then my letting that person know will show them that their partner has a) now got even and b) is a hypocrite if they have whinged about them cheating.

Either way, I am just being a good Samaritan.


2) The person is a victim of abuse.

Victim of abuse and their solution is to cheat?

Nah, not buying that one.


3) They could have an open relationship.

Fine, well then they can laugh about some stranger informing on one of them to the other so.

KomradeBishop

zeffabelli wrote: »

I would also see it as tattling, and it's not my story to tell.

If you tell you are a little responsible for the fallout, including kids who now have split homes and a lifetime of suitcases in the hallway.

Because you take that persons story, their narrative out of their control, and the morality of that is also questionable.

Well, socially excluding people for 'tattling', is the standard social tactic used to protect bullies, liars, criminals, cheaters, fraudsters, among other things, and to destroy the career/reputations of whistleblowers, and to justify bullying/abuse/threats against people who do 'tattle'/blow-the-whistle.

That's an argument based on having a sense of 'honour' (not to rat-out/tattle on people), but it's actually almost exclusively used for dishonourable reasons (for protecting committing any of the above wrongs, among more); negatively judging someone for such reasons, is inherently morally wrong.

If we know that somebody has broken the law, has committed a robbery or committed fraud, it's pretty much our moral duty to report that - cheating is not breaking the law, but the same principles around 'tattling' apply (so people may not view notifying of cheating as a moral duty, as I do, but it at least means that it's not inherently a moral wrong to notify of it).


I disagree about having responsibility for the fallout: The cheater is 100% in the wrong, and it is they who are solely responsible for the fallout - it's like saying reporting a dad for committing a robbery, and that breaking up a family, leads to you being responsible for the fallout there, for reporting that.

Again, one thing is illegal and another is not, but the same moral principles apply.


If your last sentence means, you frame the cheating in a way that is different to how the cheater would frame it, when explaining it to the partner, then that's not really a valid criticism: Cheating is simply a betrayal of trust, and that's a very binary right/wrong thing - so you have no responsibility to report that on terms favourable to the cheater.

zeffabelli

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Well, socially excluding people for 'tattling', is the standard social tactic used to protect bullies, liars, criminals, cheaters, fraudsters, among other things, and to destroy the career/reputations of whistleblowers, and to justify bullying/abuse/threats against people who do 'tattle'/blow-the-whistle.

That's an argument based on having a sense of 'honour' (not to rat-out/tattle on people), but it's actually almost exclusively used for dishonourable reasons (for protecting committing any of the above wrongs, among more); negatively judging someone for such reasons, is inherently morally wrong.

If we know that somebody has broken the law, has committed a robbery or committed fraud, it's pretty much our moral duty to report that - cheating is not breaking the law, but the same principles around 'tattling' apply (so people may not view notifying of cheating as a moral duty, as I do, but it at least means that it's not inherently a moral wrong to notify of it).


I disagree about having responsibility for the fallout: The cheater is 100% in the wrong, and it is they who are solely responsible for the fallout - it's like saying reporting a dad for committing a robbery, and that breaking up a family, leads to you being responsible for the fallout there, for reporting that.

Again, one thing is illegal and another is not, but the same moral principles apply.


If your last sentence means, you frame the cheating in a way that is different to how the cheater would frame it, when explaining it to the partner, then that's not really a valid criticism: Cheating is simply a betrayal of trust, and that's a very binary right/wrong thing - so you have no responsibility to report that on terms favourable to the cheater.

See I don't see it like committing a robbery or all these other crimes you list.

I see it far less certain than that, and betrayals like that are rarely binary.

You really don't know the meaning systems in other people's relationships and families, or their histories and when you insert decontextualised data and take the narrative power away from the member of that family, you automatically become an instrument in whatever happens and I'd view that as naive irresponsibility, not doing them all a favour based on your own moral codes.

Samaris

I don't think there's a moral responsibility to get involved like that, not with strangers.

They knew nothing about them. I wonder how they'd have felt if they saw a headline the next day "Man kills wife after girls out her affair to him and on Twitter".

I'm not victim blaming here at all, by the way! Absolutely don't condone cheating. But if you're with a friend, you can do it gently, talk to them away from the partner, and, if you fear he or she might go ape****, be around to ensure the physical safety of the other person (obviously it all very much depends on circumstances).

Look, it's nowhere near ideal, but affairs do happen that blow over swiftly and no-one's left the worst for it. I may not personally approve, but that's life. Otherwise, generally friends, family or the partner will start noticing and it will be found out.

One doesn't have to stick the oar in (as mentioned above, cough) and clumsily stir around until **** happens. And one really, really does not have to wave it all over Twitter afterwards.

The video on the twitter page shows the backs of the two people, making them potentially identifiable and the girl is laughing and giggling as she writes it. They're a spiteful pair. Seem pretty happy at all the attention they're getting too.

People who stick their nose in run the risk of setting off a chain of consequences that go far beyond what they may have expected or hoped for. Those who do it to big themselves up on social media deserve contempt.

Joe prim

I do it all the time, to random strangers.No reason, I just like getting punched in the face.

KomradeBishop

zeffabelli wrote: »

See I don't see it like committing a robbery or all these other crimes you list.

I see it far less certain than that, and betrayals like that are rarely binary.

You really don't know the meaning systems in other people's relationships and families, or their histories and when you insert decontextualised data and take the narrative power away from the member of that family, you automatically become an instrument in whatever happens and I'd view that as naive irresponsibility, not doing them all a favour based on your own moral codes.

Comparing it to robbery/crimes is only an analogy, that helps to put my point across better; why is someone responsible for the fallout to a family of reporting cheating, vs the fallout to a family of reporting a crime?

Outside of cheating in an abusive relationship, when is cheating i.e. a betrayal of trust, ever not completely wrong? I think that betrayals like that, outside of improbable/rare edge-cases, pretty much are a binary right/wrong thing.

The last paragraph seems to be delving a bit too much in philosophical concepts: Unless the couple are in a polyamorous relationship, their personal meaning system isn't likely to make much of a difference, compared to you informing vs the cheated-on partner finding out themselves.
The cheating partner also has ample opportunity to try and explain the context of their cheating to their partner, if they think that their partner would be ok with it - if they hadn't, chances are they know their partner wouldn't be ok with it.

If their partner is having sex with someone else, that's just a fact that they learn when you inform them - and no context is likely to make it appear any better to them - and they can hear out the context after being informed of that fact as well (which, given that the cheating partner hasn't already tried to explain the context, would be highly suggestive that the other partner would not be ok with it).

One eyed Jack

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Why did you dodge the question though? I was talking about the specific situation you described; how long did the person stay with the cheater, while being cheated on?

I didn't avoid the question? I said previously that I'd often been in that situation where I knew someone was cheating on their partner, and the circumstances and dynamics each time have varied. Some people chose to stay with their partners after they became aware of the fact their partner was cheating on them, and some people tried to work it out, and couldn't make their relationship work, and some people simply cut all ties with the other person, then some tried to get back with the person who had cheated on them, and some people tried to get revenge on the person who had cheated on them. There simply is no one clear cut answer to your question.

To be honest, stuff like the 'motivations for cheating vary' and about 'dynamics within the relationship' - all of that is just hand-wavy nonsense - cheating is just plain wrong, outside of some really improbable edge-cases...

Cool, we all have our different standards and perspectives. I'd never encourage someone to cheat on their partner, but I can certainly understand why some people do cheat on their partners.

[Cheating is simply a betrayal of trust, and that is pretty much (outside of extremely rare edge cases) always definitely wrong.

Yeah, I'm not actually defending cheating itself here, of course cheating is wrong, and I would say in all circumstances it's wrong, and it's a bad idea anyway, but that still doesn't give me a right to be the moral arbiter of another adults' behaviour. 100 times out of 100 they knew what they were doing was wrong.

The 'none of your business' and 'interfering in someone else's relationship' stuff are morally invalid arguments - they only serve to protect cheaters, and hide the truth from people being cheated on.

It's not about "protecting cheaters", if someone is cheating, do you think telling them what they're doing is 'morally wrong' is going to have them stop? It's your argument about morality is invalid, and it's inconsequential when someone is actually that far gone that they will outright reject any notions of examining the morality in their behaviour.

You have to look at the whole picture, and unless you can see the whole picture, then IMO you're best not to impose your morality upon other people.

[Do you think people who have been cheated on, think the person informing them of the cheating should "mind their own business", and should not have informed them?

Don't think so - as I said, those arguments only serve to protect cheaters - and there is nothing morally wrong with informing on a cheater (it's not a case of 'two wrongs making a right' - that again, is a morally invalid argument, that serves to only protect cheaters).

See, there's an example of the problem right there - you ask me a question, and then you answer it for me, from your perspective.

I can at least tell you from my own experience (not my own personal experience, I wouldn't put that on a public forum, geez ), but if there's one thing more humiliating than someone making a fool of you, it's someone else knowing about it, and that's why people tend to shoot the messenger. They're angry, upset and humiliated, they aren't going to give you Hollywood style hugs for "lookin' out for a brutha" or any the rest of that shyte! :pac:

This below takes things a bit further than most people would agree with, but is my view of it:

The morally dubious action, really is to be protecting the cheater, by remaining silent - that's what people are tacitly doing, when they stay silent - but that is understandable morally, if it could cause blow-back for you.

So, unless a person is at risk themselves in doing so, there is really a moral duty to inform on cheaters - the same way as if you witnessed a robbery, there's a moral duty to report that; cheating is not a crime, but in both cases something morally wrong is being committed, which harms someone.

That's less hand wavy and more craw-thumpy than I'd be comfortable with tbh, and as arguments go, you're still arguing about what is or isn't morally valid, so we're arguing from two completely different standpoints here -

You're arguing morality, which has no basis in reality, and I'm arguing reality, which is no reflection of morality as each individual sets their own moral standards when it comes to what they deem acceptable or unacceptable behaviour and just how much sh1t they're willing to put up with, or not, as the case may be.

It may be that they prefer their partner to be discreet about their liaisons, rather than have their private lives plastered all over social media by a pair of Inspector Clueless'.

osarusan

If I decided I would tell them, I'd do it privtely.

I wouldn't be putting it up on the internet for the world to see. That reeks of 'look at us and what we did, aren't we great.'

Lucyfur

It's NachoBusiness

KomradeBishop

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I didn't avoid the question? I said previously that I'd often been in that situation where I knew someone was cheating on their partner, and the circumstances and dynamics each time have varied. Some people chose to stay with their partners after they became aware of the fact their partner was cheating on them, and some people tried to work it out, and couldn't make their relationship work, and some people simply cut all ties with the other person, then some tried to get back with the person who had cheated on them, and some people tried to get revenge on the person who had cheated on them. There simply is no one clear cut answer to your question.

Ok, it wasn't one situation, but how long did these people stay with the cheater, before finding out? Are any of them still with a cheater? (and if so, after how long?)

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Yeah, I'm not actually defending cheating itself here, of course cheating is wrong, and I would say in all circumstances it's wrong, and it's a bad idea anyway, but that still doesn't give me a right to be the moral arbiter of another adults' behaviour. 100 times out of 100 they knew what they were doing was wrong.

It's not about "protecting cheaters", if someone is cheating, do you think telling them what they're doing is 'morally wrong' is going to have them stop? It's your argument about morality is invalid, and it's inconsequential when someone is actually that far gone that they will outright reject any notions of examining the morality in their behaviour.

You have to look at the whole picture, and unless you can see the whole picture, then IMO you're best not to impose your morality upon other people.

You don't even need to be a moral arbiter of their behaviour, you can simply inform their partner of the cheating with no moral judgement - the partner being informed is hardly going to tell you to 'mind your own business' either.

In the above, you put forward the idea of talking to the person who is cheating first to try and get them to stop - you picked that scenario to shift the goalposts and create a strawman, because it was beneficial to your argument, to try and ridicule the idea of doing that (which nobody suggested doing...), when this is about informing the partner of the cheater.

The 'whole picture' stuff, is just another variation of the handwavy 'complexity' based arguments.

One eyed Jack wrote: »

See, there's an example of the problem right there - you ask me a question, and then you answer it for me, from your perspective.

I can at least tell you from my own experience (not my own personal experience, I wouldn't put that on a public forum, geez ), but if there's one thing more humiliating than someone making a fool of you, it's someone else knowing about it, and that's why people tend to shoot the messenger. They're angry, upset and humiliated, they aren't going to give you Hollywood style hugs for "lookin' out for a brutha" or any the rest of that shyte! :pac:

That's less hand wavy and more craw-thumpy than I'd be comfortable with tbh, and as arguments go, you're still arguing about what is or isn't morally valid, so we're arguing from two completely different standpoints here -

You're arguing morality, which has no basis in reality, and I'm arguing reality, which is no reflection of morality as each individual sets their own moral standards when it comes to what they deem acceptable or unacceptable behaviour and just how much sh1t they're willing to put up with, or not, as the case may be.

It may be that they prefer their partner to be discreet about their liaisons, rather than have their private lives plastered all over social media by a pair of Inspector Clueless'

While I did give my own answer to the question, your answer is a dodge: Of course short-term pain/discomfort can cause people to react negatively (in 'shoot the messenger' fashion), but that doesn't mean they would prefer you hadn't informed them.

To the latter: Moral frameworks are subjective, but despite that, they are not just a matter of opinion - they have to be consistent; you can't arbitrarily decide to pick a different set of morals in the case of cheating, because that would be inconsistent and hypocritcal.

Also, your entire argument about morals is wrong: If the partner has no moral problem with what the 'cheating' partner is doing, then there's no harm to come from informing them...

In your last sentence, again you are fully aware that you are shifting the goalposts to suit your argument again: You know I'm not advocating using social media to inform everyone of cheating.