Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?

Tasden · 26-07-2015 05:22PM

Personally I think keeping it from a person and not informing them that their partner is cheating on them adds a second layer of betrayal/humiliation for the person being cheated on if someone knew about it and deliberately kept it from them, allowing it to continue.
I cant see how in a normal situation, without twitter etc, if you know the person, that telling them in a sensitive way would be seen as malicious or **** stirring or whatever else. Its basic decency imo.

NachoBusiness · 26-07-2015 06:05PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I know they do, in fact I'm well aware that they do, but I don't see why I should entertain a complete stranger without questioning their motives as to why they would feel it was necessary to inform on someone which I can tell you from experience 99 times out of 100 is motivated purely by the need to humiliate another person and to gloat in their own moral superiority. We even saw it with the two reportees in the OP who didn't give a fiddlers for the consequences of their actions, they simply wanted social media notoriety, and they got it, same as the other chap who done the same thing in the other link you posted. That was less about having any genuine empathy for another person, and more about stroking their own ego.

...and right back to the two girls motives again. Jesus man.

I'm not saying you shouldn't question their motives. I never said that, but if they are telling you something very specific, that your girlfriend has just texted someone in her contacts (that had a girl's name, but called them a man's name) arranging to meet up with them for sex, you wouldn't check this out? You would just automatically assume they were either wrong or making it up? Do you think everyone else should automatically do this to?

As much as I find cheating morally repugnant, I find people who go out of their way to humiliate other people, even moreso. Again of course, I'm quite willing to accept that your moral standards may differ or may be there or thereabouts.

We ALL don't like people who make things up. You don't have the monopoly on that but this thread is not about people who make things up.

I used get notes like that in 3rd class ffs! :pac:

Of course I wouldn't even take it, I'd have no interest in thinking of it again or I'd drive myself nuts with paranoia.

So you're psychic? You would just know what the note said without reading it?

Look man, if someone gave you a note you would have it read without given it a second thought. You would not have a choice in that regard and so the only question to you is: would you check your wife/gf's phone if you were given such information.

No, when I say seeing it with my own eyes, I mean witnessing the physical act for myself. I've never been one for entertaining gossip about people and that's just the way I am. What my wife does with her phones, laptop, facebook or whatever, that's her own private business, and I respect her privacy, and she respects my privacy in return. Basic manners as far as I'm concerned, even if we weren't in a relationship.

Yeah, we all respect each our OH's stuff. Different ball game (pun intended) when you're told that they have been seen doing something very specific that sounds very suspicious. You'd want to be a saint not to question if what you've been told is true, particularly if there are other signs too and the information you're given makes sense.

What's the thread title again?

Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?

Not..

Would you tell a stranger that their partner cheated on them for the craic?

Of course I'm interested to know why the hell someone would feel the need to do that to another person.

Yeah, we get it: if someone did it for nefarious or malicious reasons, they'd be assholes.

Now any chance you now actually talk about the topic in the context of a person being caught in the act of cheating?

One eyed Jack · 26-07-2015 06:51PM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

...and right back to the two girls motives again. Jesus man.

I'm not saying you shouldn't question their motives. I never said that, but if they are telling you something very specific, that your girlfriend has just texted someone in her contacts (that had a girl's name, but called them a man's name) arranging to meet up with them for sex, you wouldn't check this out? You would just automatically assume they were either wrong or making it up? Do you think everyone else should automatically do this to?

Fine, so the context then is a complete stranger furnishing me with this information then?

I'd be asking them what business it is of theirs?

No, I don't think everyone else should automatically do this, I'm not the person who considers it incumbent upon anyone that it is their moral duty to inject themselves into the relationships of complete strangers.

So you're psychic? You would just know what the note said without reading it?

Look man, if someone gave you a note you would have it read without given it a second thought. You would not have a choice in that regard and so the only question to you is: would you check your wife/gf's phone if you were given such information.

Ohh come on! Ok then, I've read the note, and I still wouldn't invade anyone else's privacy, no matter what someone else thought might be a good reason. That's why I talked about that trust idea that you dismissed earlier - you're expecting me to take the word of a complete stranger and invade my wife's privacy on that basis, completely disregarding her right to privacy?

Assessing the risks and possible consequences of both courses of action, I couldn't do it tbh.

Yeah, we all respect each our OH's stuff. Different ball game (pun intended) when you're told that they have been seen doing something very specific that sounds very suspicious. You'd want to be a saint not to question if what you've been told is true, particularly if there are other signs too and the information you're given makes sense.

Or you'd just have to be particularly paranoid and insecure about your relationship, understandable obviously if you think there were already other signs and the information you were given fuelled that paranoia and insecurity.

Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?

Not..

Would you tell a stranger that their partner cheated on them for the craic?

Well that's why obviously I'm asking why would anyone inject themselves into the relationship of a complete stranger to inform them that they are suspicious that their partner is cheating?

It is an assumption, because this person is a complete stranger to them, so they know nothing about them, only that their partner could be cheating on them.

Yeah, we get it: if someone did it for nefarious or malicious reasons, they'd be assholes.

But these people are complete strangers to the reportee? What's not asshole behaviour about humiliating someone like that when you don't even know them from Adam so to speak? What does the reportee get out of it?

Now any chance you now actually talk about the topic in the context of a person being caught in the act of cheating?

The question isn't about the person who was caught in the act of cheating!

The question you asked of people is whether they would tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them, and so it's the behaviour of the reportee we're talking about here, acting upon a suspicion of cheating, and whether they would inform a complete stranger of their suspicions.

Miley30 · 26-07-2015 07:50PM

No definitely not, let them find out themselves.

NachoBusiness · 26-07-2015 08:17PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I'd be asking them what business it is of theirs?

Well, most likely they would just say: 'Suit yourself so'. I have already said on the thread that I would do my bit, say I hope I'm wrong and then be off. You seem to want to get into a confrontation with these people, who you know zero about.

No, I don't think everyone else should automatically do this, I'm not the person who considers it incumbent upon anyone that it is their moral duty to inject themselves into the relationships of complete strangers.

But you're saying it in a tone that suggests you feel that anyone that wouldn't do what you would do, mustn't love their partners or trust them as much as you do yours. So, whether you like it or not, you are moralizing just as much as the people you are having at go at for doing that very thing: moralizing.

Ohh come on! Ok then, I've read the note, and I still wouldn't invade anyone else's privacy, no matter what someone else thought might be a good reason. That's why I talked about that trust idea that you dismissed earlier - you're expecting me to take the word of a complete stranger and invade my wife's privacy on that basis, completely disregarding her right to privacy?

I'm not expecting you to do anything, but fear and doubt =/= lack of trust and love, as you keep implying.

Or you'd just have to be particularly paranoid and insecure about your relationship, understandable obviously if you think there were already other signs and the information you were given fuelled that paranoia and insecurity.

It's a possibility, there are many.

Well that's why obviously I'm asking why would anyone inject themselves into the relationship of a complete stranger to inform them that they are suspicious that their partner is cheating?

It is an assumption, because this person is a complete stranger to them, so they know nothing about them, only that their partner could be cheating on them.

You have been given the answer to this question many times on the thread and you appear to be ignoring it. I, and many others, would let a stranger know that they are being given the run around (if and only when we were 100% sure that they were) because we would feel it the right thing to do. I have went through the reasons before of why this might not be the case and none were sufficient reasons not to do it. You can keep on asking what the motivates of the person would be if you want, but I am not sure why you would want to, as you have been given many of them already.

But these people are complete strangers to the reportee? What's not asshole behaviour about humiliating someone like that when you don't even know them from Adam so to speak? What does the reportee get out of it?

I think you need to reread that point again. I am agreeing with you, conceding that yes, if someone did it just for gossip or other nefarious malicious reasons, then they would be assholes. Nobody is arguing to the contrary in that particular regard.

The question isn't about the person who was caught in the act of cheating!

The question you asked of people is whether they would tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them, and so it's the behaviour of the reportee we're talking about here, acting upon a suspicion of cheating, and whether they would inform a complete stranger of their suspicions.

The question is asked in the context of people believing someone has cheated. I have no issue with raising the possibility of doubt, but you are going waaaaaaay beyond that and trying to make the thread to be also about those that would tell a stranger their partner is cheating for reasons of malice.

One eyed Jack · 26-07-2015 08:54PM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Well, most likely they would just say: 'Suit yourself so'. I have already said on the thread that I would do my bit, say I hope I'm wrong and then be off. You seem to want to get into a confrontation with these people, who you know zero about.

But you're saying it in a tone that suggests you feel that anyone that wouldn't do what you would do, mustn't love their partners or trust them as much as you do yours. So, whether you like it or not, you are moralizing just as much as the people you are having at go at for doing that very thing: moralizing.

I'm not expecting you to do anything, but fear and doubt =/= lack of trust and love, as you keep implying.

It's a possibility, there are many.

I think you're reading a bit too much into what I'm saying tbh. At first I was putting myself in the position where I said I had a suspicion that a complete stranger to me was cheating on their partner, and I answered exactly what I would be thinking in that scenario and what I would do and why -

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I think in that particular situation, the "reportees" were only looking for notoriety for themselves. They don't seem at all to have actually considered her husband, but were rather taking some sort of spiteful glee in publically humiliating this woman, a complete stranger to them.

No, I wouldn't do it, not to a friend and certainly not to a complete stranger. I'd gain nothing from it only the knowledge that I were a childish, spiteful bastard. I don't have much regard for anyone who interferes in someone's life like that simply in order to humiliate them.

The relationship anyone else has with their own partner is none of my business, I don't particularly care about their relationship tbh, I care about people as individuals. That's why I wouldn't immediately make a stranger aware that I think their partner might be cheating on them, because it's none of my business, and I said as much too -

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Ohh no, geez if other people would inform on someone who they thought was cheating on their partner or whatever, that's their own business, and I'd want no part in that either, but just from my own perspective, if it was me, I wouldn't.

I've often been in that situation where I knew someone was cheating on their partner, and I've had a word with the partner that was cheating. I don't think there's anything to be gained from informing the person being cheated on that their partner is cheating on them, it just adds humiliation to hurt, knowing that not only has their partner been cheating on them, but also that someone else knew about it before they did.

I think the better course of action is to have a word with the person you suspect is cheating on their partner, if you absolutely must interfere in that scenario.

NachoBusiness wrote: »

You have been given the answer to this question many times on the thread and you appear to be ignoring it. I, and many others, would let a stranger know that they are being given the run around (if and only when we were 100% sure that they were) because we would feel it the right thing to do. I have went through the reasons before of why this might not be the case and none were sufficient reasons not to do it. You can keep on asking what the motivates of the person would be if you want, but I am not sure why you would want to, as you have been given many of them already.

I'm not ignoring it at all, I'm just wondering would these people have given any thought to the possible fallout of your intervening in a strangers relationship? I know obviously you have, but there's some people that just gung-ho their way into people's relationships and to hell with the consequences; their moral stance matters more apparently than the consequences of their actions upon other people who are complete strangers to them. That's really what I personally found particularly distasteful, and that's where I was coming from when I said two wrongs never made a right in my book.

NachoBusiness wrote: »

I think you need to reread that point again. I am agreeing with you, conceding that yes, if someone did it just for gossip or other nefarious malicious reasons, then they would be assholes. Nobody is arguing to the contrary in that particular regard.

The question is asked in the context of people believing someone has cheated. I have no issue with raising the possibility of doubt, but you are going waaaaaaay beyond that and trying to make the thread to be also about those that would tell a stranger their partner is cheating for reasons of malice.

Well I have no doubt your intentions are good, and certainly I know you're not alone in that regard, but all too often, as was shown in the example you gave in the opening post, and the other story you linked to, and my own personal experience, people's motives more often than not, were not based on any genuine interest in a stranger's welfare -

One eyed Jack wrote: »

As you pointed out below, it varies, just as much as the whole motivations for cheating vary and the dynamics within the relationship itself vary. That's why I'll never rush to judge people in that situation, I simply don't see it as my place to do so.

And there's the crux of the matter and why it can only be down to each individual to answer for themselves - who gives anyone "the right", to interfere in someone else's relationship?

Two wrongs have never made a right in my book, and so that "decision to let someone know", are you doing it out of genuine concern for someone, or are you doing it because their actions don't sit right on your moral compass, and you'll not be having that?

zeffabelli · 26-07-2015 09:05PM

I have a doppelgänger living in city centre somewhere.

There have been a ridiculous number of times where friends of mine have claimed I completely blanked them when they apparently saw me, called my name and tried to get my attention. One of my brothers friends even have out to him that I did this, but lo and behold I was out of the country at the time.

Oddly I was either at home or out of town.

A woman in a car once gave me the finger after she was smiling and waving at me from across the road, and I had no idea who she was. Clearly she thought she knew me and then thought her friend was being rude, meanwhile her friend was somewhere else.

I love how people are so certain when they are so clueless. This is why I'd never trust the perceptions on a claim like this over someone I made a conscious choice to wholeheartedly trust. The trustworthiness of the witness' perceptions always has to be questioned. The motives are secondary but always to be considered.

One eyed Jack · 26-07-2015 09:19PM

zeffabelli wrote: »

I love how people are so certain when they are so clueless. This is why I'd never trust the perceptions on a claim like this over someone I made a conscious choice to wholeheartedly trust. The trustworthiness of the witness' perceptions always has to be questioned. The motives are secondary but always to be considered.

I think it's the amount of times either my wife has people come up to her "informing her" that they saw me about town with so and so, or the amount of people that feel it is their duty apparently to report to me on my wife's movements, that really left me just so sick and tired of justifying myself to other people and left me cynical of their motives for "informing" me or my wife about each others movements.

That's why I suggested that these people simply have nothing better to be doing with their own lives than creating drama and spreading gossip. Some people just never grow up.

NachoBusiness · 26-07-2015 10:03PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

The relationship anyone else has with their own partner is none of my business, I don't particularly care about their relationship tbh, I care about people as individuals. That's why I wouldn't immediately make a stranger aware that I think their partner might be cheating on them, because it's none of my business, and I said as much too -

Do you care when some drops their wallet? Or their keys? Would you not alert them if you saw they had done either of these things?

Course you would, well then why not let someone know that their wife, husband etc etc, is cheating on them IF you witness something that leaves you in no doubt of that? I'm not saying you should mind, just wondering why you wouldn't, if you were certain after witnessing something that left no ambiguity as to that.

I think the better course of action is to have a word with the person you suspect is cheating on their partner, if you absolutely must interfere in that scenario.

What? And how would that work? How could the two girls in this scenario have gone that route?

I'm not ignoring it at all, I'm just wondering would these people have given any thought to the possible fallout of your intervening in a strangers relationship? I know obviously you have, but there's some people that just gung-ho their way into people's relationships and to hell with the consequences; their moral stance matters more apparently than the consequences of their actions upon other people who are complete strangers to them. That's really what I personally found particularly distasteful, and that's where I was coming from when I said two wrongs never made a right in my book.

Well I have no doubt your intentions are good, and certainly I know you're not alone in that regard, but all too often, as was shown in the example you gave in the opening post, and the other story you linked to, and my own personal experience, people's motives more often than not, were not based on any genuine interest in a stranger's welfare -

Why are you still going on about this? I don't get it. Some people that would do this might be informing for the wrong reasons. Okay, fine, yes, and ? What do you want people to say in response to this exactly? I think everyone agrees that some people might tell strangers that their partner is cheating for reasons that are not noble ones, nefarious in fact, selfish indeed. Okay. You're 100% right. I'm sure such scurrilous folk exist. Now can we move on?

Simply put:

I am asking people two questions:

1) Would they let a stranger know that their partner was cheating on them if they saw them doing something which left them in no doubt of that (on the basis that it was the right thing to do), and..

2) Would they like a stranger to let them know if they witnessed their partner doing something which also left them in no doubt that they were cheating on them (on the basis that it was the right thing to do).

One eyed Jack · 26-07-2015 10:33PM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Do you care when some drops their wallet? Or their keys? Would you not alert them if you saw they had done either of these things?

Course you would, well then why not let someone know that their wife, husband etc etc, is cheating on them IF you witness something that leaves you in no doubt of that? I'm not saying you should mind, just wondering why you wouldn't, if you were certain after witnessing something that left no ambiguity as to that.

Simply because I wouldn't see it as my place to interfere in, or pass judgement upon, other people's relationships.

What? And how would that work? How could the two girls in this scenario have gone that route?

Ohh I don't know, by passing the woman a note perhaps?

(that's completely leaving aside how despicable their actions were in invading another person's privacy in the first place!)

1) Would they let a stranger know that their partner was cheating on them if they saw them doing something which left them in no doubt of that (on the basis that it was the right thing to do), and..

Nope, because from my perspective it wouldn't be the right thing to do to interfere in someone else's relationship or to pass judgement upon a complete stranger in those circumstances.

2) Would they like a stranger to let them know if they witnessed their partner doing something which also left them in no doubt that they were cheating on them (on the basis that it was the right thing to do).

I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be confrontational about it with them either, I'd simply have no interest in giving them any sort of a reaction or explaining anything to them as they are a complete stranger to my wife and I. Sometimes I actually do prefer when people keep their opinions and judgements to themselves. Call it naivety or whatever else, but it works for us. I'm not suggesting for a minute that other people try it as it doesn't work for everyone, but I hear enough shyte from people on a daily basis that I really have no interest in fuelling other people's dramas tbh.

KomradeBishop · 26-07-2015 10:48PM

zeffabelli wrote: »

I have a doppelgänger living in city centre somewhere.

There have been a ridiculous number of times where friends of mine have claimed I completely blanked them when they apparently saw me, called my name and tried to get my attention. One of my brothers friends even have out to him that I did this, but lo and behold I was out of the country at the time.

Oddly I was either at home or out of town.

A woman in a car once gave me the finger after she was smiling and waving at me from across the road, and I had no idea who she was. Clearly she thought she knew me and then thought her friend was being rude, meanwhile her friend was somewhere else.

I love how people are so certain when they are so clueless. This is why I'd never trust the perceptions on a claim like this over someone I made a conscious choice to wholeheartedly trust. The trustworthiness of the witness' perceptions always has to be questioned. The motives are secondary but always to be considered.

It's easy to present scenario's to try and muddy the possibility of having proof though - but you're ignoring the scenario's where there is easy/ample proof.

I know a person, who is doing everything short of cheating - multiple mobile phones, multiple email accounts with fake names, hiding who she's meeting from her boyfriend, keeping him in the dark etc., even stated she only wants to be friends with him but can't 'work up the will' to break up (for almost a year now...) - and I've stopped talking/meeting with her because I don't feel comfortable with all of that, and how closely it matches the behaviour of a cheater.

She's definitely betraying her partners trust, but I don't know if she's cheating (as in seeing other people romantically) - so that's not nearly far enough for me to consider informing (and I couldn't even if I wanted to, as I have no direct contact), but if it were, I'd have tons of direct irrefutable evidence of it, from communicating with her.

Colser · 26-07-2015 11:44PM

I think you have to have been cheated on to realise the impact it can have on someone..I would definitely try and inform someone if I was 100% sure they were being cheated on but I would try and do it anonymously..The problem with cheating is that quite often the person being cheated on knows it but cant prove it so being given the actual proof can be a huge relief in some way..you can catch a thief but its very difficult to catch a liar.

26-07-2015 11:52PM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Do you care when some drops their wallet? Or their keys? Would you not alert them if you saw they had done either of these things?

I would expect that neither intervention could result in the break up of a marriage, possibly leaving children without a parent, possibly leaving one or both parties very damaged. Giving someone back their car keys or wallet almost always produces a positive result. Sure the person could sit into their car and kill someone, but that's hardly reasonably foreseeable. I might not do it if the person was, for example, drunk as I could then foresee that there might be adverse consequences.

One eyed Jack · 26-07-2015 11:53PM

KomradeBishop wrote: »

It's easy to present scenario's to try and muddy the possibility of having proof though - but you're ignoring the scenario's where there is easy/ample proof.

I know a person, who is doing everything short of cheating - multiple mobile phones, multiple email accounts with fake names, hiding who she's meeting from her boyfriend, keeping him in the dark etc., even stated she only wants to be friends with him but can't 'work up the will' to break up (for almost a year now...) - and I've stopped talking/meeting with her because I don't feel comfortable with all of that, and how closely it matches the behaviour of a cheater.

She's definitely betraying her partners trust, but I don't know if she's cheating (as in seeing other people romantically) - so that's not nearly far enough for me to consider informing (and I couldn't even if I wanted to, as I have no direct contact), but if it were, I'd have tons of direct irrefutable evidence of it, from communicating with her.

In that scenario, that woman is actually better off that you decided to stay away from her. I couldn't do that myself as I'd actually want to help her rather than use what she would have communicated to me to keep a dossier on her and turn it over to her boyfriend should she ever do anything that fell below my moral standards.

That just seems more cruel somehow IMO.

Kia_Kaha · 27-07-2015 12:00AM

My worry would be that they would hurt their partner if they found out!

I'd be more likely to tell the cheating partner to either be more discreet or just knock it on the head.

Reality is it's not your business, their may be good reasons why they are cheating. Maybe their current partner smacks them around or is cheating themselves? You just can never know.

NachoBusiness · 27-07-2015 12:51AM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Simply because I wouldn't see it as my place to interfere in, or pass judgement upon, other people's relationships.

See, I just don't see how you could be sure someone is cheating and yet also not pass judgement on their relationship. Are you a robot? If it's an open relationship, no harm done. I mean, what situation do you fear would occur. In what specific relationship dynamic do you think it would be better not to say anything? You see, I can't think of one but I'm open to being convinced of otherwise if you think there is something which I haven't considered here.

Ohh I don't know, by passing the woman a note perhaps?

(that's completely leaving aside how despicable their actions were in invading another person's privacy in the first place!)

And say what? 'We know you're cheating on your husband, stop it'. She'd most likely laugh and even if she didn't, what could she promise: 'Okay girls, I'll stop'. Come on. Approaching the cheater like that would be pointless.

Nope, because from my perspective it wouldn't be the right thing to do to interfere in someone else's relationship or to pass judgement upon a complete stranger in those circumstances.

Well, I would as I think if people have seen enough and are 100% sure cheating is going on, then in my view, it's the right thing to do.

I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be confrontational about it with them either, I'd simply have no interest in giving them any sort of a reaction or explaining anything to them as they are a complete stranger to my wife and I. Sometimes I actually do prefer when people keep their opinions and judgements to themselves. Call it naivety or whatever else, but it works for us. I'm not suggesting for a minute that other people try it as it doesn't work for everyone, but I hear enough shyte from people on a daily basis that I really have no interest in fuelling other people's dramas tbh.

You keep saying they would be making a 'judgement' but I am framing this question in such a way that the person would be sure that your OH is cheating (again, I know it's possible for people to make mistakes, but I am not framing the question in that context). The person would be telling you something that would be quite specific and then leaving. It would be matter of fact for them: your OH has a female contact in her phone that is really a guy and this person has seen her texting some pretty explicit things to them. Boom. You're left there with that information in your head. Now, you're saying you would trust you OH implicitly and dismiss this person out of hand, for no obvious reason? Noble and all as came across to you? As just being mistaken or wrongheaded and then just get on with your life? Never thinking about the woman again?

Well, you're a better man than me, cause if someone told me that, I don't think I would be able to get it out of my head until I had checked my OH's phone to see of there was any basis for what they had planted in my head. I would simply have to know. Especially as they would have no motive for making it up. I think I would tell my OH afterwards though, what happened, even if I found nothing. Someone says something that specific, I just know I would give it some credence, no matter how painful it was for me. I don't think doubt or fear = lack of love. In fact, I can't understand how someone could just think, 'No way, not a chance they seen what they thought they did and I'm never going to think about them again'. That, seems bizarre to me.

Anyway, here's a good video I've found which illustrates this dilemma quite nicely I think.

Couple in a bar having a drink, discussing their upcoming wedding. Soon to be bride goes to toilet, bridesmaid comes in and it becomes clear to customers that they are having an affair. Bride comes back, bridesmaid leaves and soon to be groom goes to the toilet. Will the customers tell her? (three different sets of customers are tested):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB3PA9iyuLQ

KomradeBishop · 27-07-2015 12:59AM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

In that scenario, that woman is actually better off that you decided to stay away from her. I couldn't do that myself as I'd actually want to help her rather than use what she would have communicated to me to keep a dossier on her and turn it over to her boyfriend should she ever do anything that fell below my moral standards.

That just seems more cruel somehow IMO.

I asked you to stop replying to me earlier, because of all the misrepresentations, putting words in my mouth, and lies you regularly spout - here you are again, trying to engage in the same kind of misrepresentations and smears against me, as keeping a 'dossier' and other aspersions/bullshít.

TheLastMohican · 27-07-2015 01:19AM

No.

gormdubhgorm · 27-07-2015 03:03AM

Only if I was caught in the act

NachoBusiness · 27-07-2015 03:33AM

Another video, which again illustrates the dilemma posed quite well.

So, ask yourself if you were a customer, would you tell the guy?

And if you were the guy, would you want to be told?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxzOE-FnE_Y

zeffabelli · 27-07-2015 07:40AM

KomradeBishop wrote: »

It's easy to present scenario's to try and muddy the possibility of having proof though - but you're ignoring the scenario's where there is easy/ample proof.

I know a person, who is doing everything short of cheating - multiple mobile phones, multiple email accounts with fake names, hiding who she's meeting from her boyfriend, keeping him in the dark etc., even stated she only wants to be friends with him but can't 'work up the will' to break up (for almost a year now...) - and I've stopped talking/meeting with her because I don't feel comfortable with all of that, and how closely it matches the behaviour of a cheater.

She's definitely betraying her partners trust, but I don't know if she's cheating (as in seeing other people romantically) - so that's not nearly far enough for me to consider informing (and I couldn't even if I wanted to, as I have no direct contact), but if it were, I'd have tons of direct irrefutable evidence of it, from communicating with her.

Thing is she is trusting you. She is your friend, while he is not.

If I were in your shoes, I'd see my loyalty to my friend not to the stranger, and not want to betray her trust.

Plus with so many unknown variables, for all I'd know he might be cheating too.

Her problem is the problem of most people when they lie, and that is not wanting to deal with someone else's pain and disillusionment.

But it certainly must be disconcerting to watch someone's duplicity in action, especially in that context.

I'd still stay out of it but excersize my right not to be burdened with the knowledge.

snotboogie · 27-07-2015 09:17AM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

So you cite three reasons not to do it..

1) The other person has cheated before.

Well, then my letting that person know will show them that their partner has a) now got even and b) is a hypocrite if they have whinged about them cheating.

Either way, I am just being a good Samaritan.

2) The person is a victim of abuse.

Victim of abuse and their solution is to cheat?

Nah, not buying that one.

3) They could have an open relationship.

Fine, well then they can laugh about some stranger informing on one of them to the other so.

Myself and my girlfriend need to spend large periods of each year apart. If she had a fling or a ons during that time, it's not something I'm overly worried about, as long as she used protection and didn't get emotionally attached. Saying that, I wouldn't want it rubbed in my face by a stranger and finding out like that, isn't something I'd laugh off.......

Samaris · 27-07-2015 09:49AM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

See, I just don't see how you could be sure someone is cheating and yet also not pass judgement on their relationship. Are you a robot? If it's an open relationship, no harm done. I mean, what situation do you fear would occur. In what specific relationship dynamic do you think it would be better not to say anything? You see, I can't think of one but I'm open to being convinced of otherwise if you think there is something which I haven't considered here.

The problem is that one just doesn't KNOW.
- A situation where friends are likely to notice and to talk to them far more gently and with more understanding of the context than a stranger can possibly manage with a note.

- Perhaps the cheat is desperately unhappy and can't escape, say abuse or a particularly toxic arranged marriage. You can say that even so, they shouldn't be cheating, but right there, interference could endanger her life if it's the female partner that's cheating.

- A quick fling, just before the cheating partner comes to their senses and sorts themselves out. This can be in response to sudden, unusual stresses on the marriage - new baby, post-partum depression, death of a parent, depression, illness, menopause, infertility, etc. So, one of the partners has a quick fling, gets it out of their system, feels that they're doing wrong, perhaps will come to the conclusion to end it - nope, too late, your quick fling has destroyed two peoples lives. Still the cheat's fault, ofc, but unfortunate end to it all.

- Where telling them now results in one of the crueller ways for the cheatee to find out. Like in this case, probably had a drive ahead, busy roads since they're all coming out of a stadium, with the person that's betrayed them beside them (or driving). Unable to discuss anything there. And having two giggling little brats sitting behind you, ears open for draaaamaaaa.

Mneeh. I highly disapprove of cheating, myself. I reckon if you want to see someone else, you end the current relationship first and jump into the unknown, rather than using them as a crutch. It's cruel to do otherwise.

But I'd be highly uncomfortable interfering in someone else's marriage like that.

NachoBusiness · 27-07-2015 10:56AM

Samaris wrote: »

- Perhaps the cheat is desperately unhappy and can't escape, say abuse or a particularly toxic arranged marriage. You can say that even so, they shouldn't be cheating, but right there, interference could endanger her life if it's the female partner that's cheating.

Oh come on, the endangering the cheat's life is such sanctimonious bs.

- A quick fling, just before the cheating partner comes to their senses and sorts themselves out. This can be in response to sudden, unusual stresses on the marriage - new baby, post-partum depression, death of a parent, depression, illness, menopause, infertility, etc. So, one of the partners has a quick fling, gets it out of their system, feels that they're doing wrong, perhaps will come to the conclusion to end it - nope, too late, your quick fling has destroyed two peoples lives. Still the cheat's fault, ofc, but unfortunate end to it all.

More sanctimony.

What if the person being cheated on is under stress, has a new baby, post-partum depression, death of a parent, illness, menopause, infertility etc etc? And in any case, I don't believe any of this would excuse cheating.

- Where telling them now results in one of the crueller ways for the cheatee to find out. Like in this case, probably had a drive ahead, busy roads since they're all coming out of a stadium, with the person that's betrayed them beside them (or driving). Unable to discuss anything there. And having two giggling little brats sitting behind you, ears open for draaaamaaaa.

Shooting the messenger.

Mneeh. I highly disapprove of cheating, myself. I reckon if you want to see someone else, you end the current relationship first and jump into the unknown, rather than using them as a crutch. It's cruel to do otherwise.

But I'd be highly uncomfortable interfering in someone else's marriage like that.

So would I. So would pretty much anyone, but as in the first video, I would like the last customer, as sometimes you just have to do something which makes you feel uncomfortable as it's the right thing to do. Which customer would you be like? One of the ones that just sat there, and said nothing? Nah, that's not the right thing to do, imo. Same in the second video, I would be the guy that pretty much told the chap that his girlfriend was cheating so that he wouldn't waste another day of his life.

zeffabelli · 27-07-2015 11:14AM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

What if the person being cheated on is under stress, has a new baby, post-partum depression, death of a parent, illness, menopause, infertility etc etc? And in any case, I don't believe any of this would excuse cheating.

And you'd land more bad news on them when they are hardly in a place to be able to hear it?

Just to indulge your own morality...one not everyone agrees with it. And you call someone else sanctimonious?

The more I hear this argument for telling the more selfish it seems.

Samaris · 27-07-2015 11:22AM

Doesn't matter if it's sanctimonious or not. It happens. You asked for scenarios where your interference might make things worse. I gave examples, it doesn't matter whether or not you think they're worthless.

NachoBusiness · 27-07-2015 11:24AM

zeffabelli wrote: »

And you'd land more bad news on them when they are hardly in a place to be able to hear it?

You'd be happy for them to stay in that relationship where they were being treated like dirt?

Just to indulge your own morality...one not everyone agrees with it.

Not everyone agrees with your stance either. Did you watch either of the last two videos? People spoke up as they (in the first instance) didn't like that a girl's best friend was having an affair with her soon to be husband, and (in the second instance) because they didn't want a man proposing to a woman that was happily banging guys behind his back.

The more I hear this argument for telling the more selfish it seems.

Well, at least it's a logical argument and not based on "What if they are being beaten and will be killed on the way home" type nonsense. Which are all just cop outs and people scraping the barrel for a reason to sit idling by while someone gets betrayed. In both of the video scenarios, do you think the right thing to do was keep you mouth shut? Really?

NachoBusiness · 27-07-2015 11:31AM

Samaris wrote: »

Doesn't matter if it's sanctimonious or not. It happens.

Course it matters and just because something happens once in a blue moon, it shouldn't inform how you react in all instances.

You asked for scenarios where your interference might make things worse. I gave examples, it doesn't matter whether or not you think they're worthless.

I meant realistic examples.

Should we not report a car thief in case he has only robbed it so that he can rush his pregnant girlfriend to the hospital?

Come on. It's all just people looking for reasons to excuse not doing the right thing. Be honest about it.

zeffabelli · 27-07-2015 11:32AM

NachoBusiness wrote: »

I meant realistic examples.

Should we not report a car thief in case he has only robbed it so that he can rush his pregnant girlfriend to the hospital?

Come on. It's all just people looking for reasons to excuses not to do the right thing. Be honest about it.

No. It's not agreeing that what you claim is the right thing is the right thing. I see it as utterly sanctimonious selfishness. You think its heroism or some other bull****.

NachoBusiness · 27-07-2015 11:47AM

zeffabelli wrote: »

No. It's not agreeing that what you claim is the right thing is the right thing. I see it as utterly sanctimonious selfishness.

Oh quit throwing someone's argument back at them. It's a lazy retort.

You think its heroism or some other bull****

I think it's the right thing to do, yes.

I see it no differently than alerting someone to the fact that they are being ripped off in some way. Are you telling me that the customers in the above two video scenarios that spoke up and told the person being cheated on what was going on, were only trying to be heroes? And should have kept their traps shut? Nah. No way. They were spot in and fair fcuks to them.

Would you tell a stranger their partner was cheating on them?

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