Wedding presents...who did and who didn't!

lazygal · 14-07-2015 06:14PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Late gifts mess up the profit/loss spreadsheet the week after the wedding.;)

I only know one couple who spoke about the cash paying for the wedding when they got married. They still gave us a gift on the day.
When would you give someone a Christmas or birthday present? Months later or around the time of the occasion?

Addle · 14-07-2015 06:46PM

My opinion is based on my experience; having been to multiple weddings a year for 15 years, and having worked in a hotel and seeing 50% of weddings held there in my time being paid for by couples who open up the cards on the morning after the wedding and just handing over the cash.
I was engaged once and had planned to elope.

Sligo1 · 14-07-2015 06:59PM

Addle wrote: »

My opinion is based on my experience; having been to multiple weddings a year for 15 years, and having worked in a hotel and seeing 50% of weddings held there in my time being paid for by couples who open up the cards on the morning after the wedding and just handing over the cash.
I was engaged once and had planned to elope.

I thought the wedding venue had to be completely paid for before the wedding day??? Well ours did anyway. What were they handing over money for?

Addle · 14-07-2015 07:02PM

Sligo1 wrote:

I thought the wedding had to be paid for before the wedding day??? What were they handing over money for?

Deposits were paid in advance.
The balance remained.

I've also heard of multiple hotels that include an estimated figure on cash gift amounts when calculating guest numbers and costs.

Maybe it's just a west of Ireland thing

Toots · 14-07-2015 07:08PM

People can get very sanctimonious about what an "honour" it is to be invited/for guests to attend the wedding, but really, calm the feck down! It's an honour for example to be asked to be in the bridal party, or something like that (and vice versa) but to be there as a guest it's lovely to be invited and would assume that the B&G would feel similarly about me attending.

The way some people on her go on you'd think that attending a wedding as a guest was as much of an ordeal as climbing mount everest, and some B&Gs seem almost downright resentful at having to invite guests. Same with gifts - some couples are just short of charging admission at the door, but some guests take umbrage at the idea of bringing a present. A gift is "a thing given willingly to someone, without payment", if it's demanded or given under sufferance then it's meaningless.

Personally if I was going to the full wedding I'd definitely be giving a gift, be it cash or something else. I wouldn't usually give it on the wedding day because of the potential for it to get lost if it's cash in a card, or the fact that the b&g or their family will have to lug it home if it's something else. I abhor this whole idea of "minimum amounts" per couple and "cover your plate", however not even giving a card comes across as a bit thoughtless.

The only exception to this would be if say you asked the B&G could you bring a +1 (if they weren't inviting +1s) or could you bring your kids along etc, then I think it's only fair to put a few bob in a card or get a nice present because in all likelihood the couple are being put to extra trouble and expense having your extra guests there, so something thoughtful would be nice.

When I got married, my husband's uncle (who I'd only met once) phoned my FIL the week before the wedding and asked was it ok if his two kids came too because he and his wife "never go anywhere without them". We had a rake of kids coming, so we said the more the merrier and in terms of cost the kids meals were only €15 each so it wasn't a big deal. I asked what age the kids were, because we were putting colours and activity books at the dinner places of the younger kids, and my FIL told me they were 19 and 21!!! Here I was thinking that the parents mustn't have wanted to leave them alone with a sitter or something! So instead of an added cost of about €30, we were looking at an added cost of almost €200, and the hassle of having to change the table plans to accommodate two extra adults! Anyhoo we'd already said they could come, so there was nothing I could do about it at that stage, but we (and our parents) thought it was pretty cheeky.

After the wedding we were opening up the cards/gifts, and we got lots of stuff - from big to small, and some gave a card with a nice message in it, and we loved them all the same. Except for the present from the above mentioned family; it was a photo frame. Nothing wrong with photo frames, we got a good few, which were all lovely and are all being used. This one however was horrendous. It was in the brown cardboard box it came in from the shop, which was all bashed and dirty - no wrapping paper or card and the only way we knew it was from them was because "from X & Y" was scribbled on the box in pencil - and the photo frame itself was like something you'd give a 5 year old girl: it was pink flowers and hearts and glitter and the actual space for the photo was something like 2 x 3 inches. To be honest it was the one gift that we were like "that so bad it's actually insulting" because it was blatantly obvious that zero thought whatsoever had been put into it.

As I said I don't agree with minimum gifts, and in a lot of cases, particularly if guests have to travel, then their presence is absolutely their present. The last thing I'd ever want is for guests to be put under financial pressure to attend, let alone bring a present, however (aside from the one or two euro for a card) a thoughtful message costs nothing to give and can be priceless to receive.

Sligo1 · 14-07-2015 07:18PM

+1 toots. Very well said.

stickybookmark · 14-07-2015 07:40PM

Sligo1 wrote: »

I thought the wedding venue had to be completely paid for before the wedding day??? Well ours did anyway. What were they handing over money for?

We had a bill on check out for consumables (that they couldn't possibly know til after the wedding was over:
-corkage on wine during dinner
-corkage on champers for drinks reception
-jugs of mixed berry lemonade for drinks reception
-jugs of cordial for kids during meal
-service charge on all food & beverage items

lazygal · 14-07-2015 07:46PM

We settled our bill the following day. We had a free bar and corkage to pay for and we wanted to.make sure the food and service was up to scratch. I think we paid about 25% deposit beforehand. And we didn't go through cards to pay the bill.

Toots · 14-07-2015 07:50PM

lazygal wrote: »

We settled our bill the following day. We had a free bar and corkage to pay for and we wanted to.make sure the food and service was up to scratch. I think we paid about 25% deposit beforehand. And we didn't go through cards to pay the bill.

I still can't get over people doing that!! I've this hilarious image in my head of the happily couple trying to figure out a way to settle the bill the next morning with a load of restaurant vouchers and toasters! :pac:

Sligo1 · 14-07-2015 07:52PM

Ah ok. We had to have everything paid for before the day. Ours was a package costing €115 per person and the whole hog had to be paid for before the wedding. We didn't have a free bar or anything tho so it was a package we were paying for. the only extras would've been for mini bar service of our own room etc or any room service we used.

lazygal · 14-07-2015 07:54PM

Toots wrote: »

I still can't get over people doing that!! I've this hilarious image in my head of the happily couple trying to figure out a way to settle the bill the next morning with a load of restaurant vouchers and toasters! :pac:

Yeah I don't get it. Id have been so stressed on the day if I knew we had to rely on everyone's money in cards to settle the bills. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself constantly wondering if so and so gave x amount.

Toots · 14-07-2015 08:03PM

Yeah, I can't understand it either. I mean, seriously what would happen if you got a load of vouchers and actual 'wrapped up' presents as opposed to cash? I'm assuming that if a couple has to open the cards to pay for stuff that would suggest to me that they're really stuck for money.

Pipmae · 14-07-2015 08:22PM

fits wrote: »

I have no idea if some people didnt give us cards or gifts and i dont care much either. The fact they came is the main thing and i hope they enjoyed themselves.

I think that's unfair to the guests who bothered to buy you a gift or give you money/voucher. Imagine going to the expense of spending €150 or thereabouts on a wedding couple and the couple don't even know.:eek: Now that's insulting.

stickybookmark · 14-07-2015 08:34PM

Pipmae wrote: »

I think that's unfair to the guests who bothered to buy you a gift or give you money/voucher. Imagine going to the expense of spending €150 or thereabouts on a wedding couple and the couple don't even know.:eek: Now that's insulting.

Ah to be fair she only got married at the weekend. She's on honeymoon so I'd guess hasn't had a chance to go through the presents yet? We opened our wedding presents on honeymoon (which was in Ire in fairness) with laptop open and I recorded what we got from everyone (used the Excel table plan actually!).

I would never open wedding presents morning after the wedding to pay the hotel (although look if you have no other option.....what are you gonna do) but I think you wouldn't remember who gave what then, and did you get empty cards or was there money in that card? And how much....etc.
Bad idea all around

lazygal · 14-07-2015 08:40PM

I know who gave what too. We had a guestbook which had a section at the back that we filled in after the wedding. It was also nice to thank people for the lovely bowl or the voucher they gave, rather than a generic thank you when we wrote out the thank you cards. I love using the things we got and thinking of the person who gave it to us.

stickybookmark · 14-07-2015 09:04PM

lazygal wrote: »

Yeah, I think this 'tradition' is an excuse for those who don't really intend to give a gift at all more than anything. I didn't mind not getting a gift or a card. What I did mind was those who kept saying 'We haven't forgotten about you, we will get you something/drop up that card/send it on as soon as we have it organised', especially from our siblings. We know you won't get us anything, you know you won't get us anything, stop the pretence that 'it's on the way'.

This thread prompted me to check my wedding present list .....haha.....I forgot that out of my 4 siblings one didn't give us anything (poor student & his out of work gf won't be getting anythign there) and out of OH's 2 siblings neither gave anything. That completely slipped my mind when I was thinking of who ''gave us nothing''. OH's two siblings one is a poor student as well so won't be getting anything there adn the other was the best man, he was there with his wife & family but they are stoney broke and have had to borrow money off us a few times in the recent past which we wrote off so to be fair, nothing gonna be coming from that direction either. I was delighted with them at the wedding though, best man played a blinder and did everything right, and gave an unexpected tear-jerker of a speech which I was deeply touched by. So I couldn't ask for anything more to be fair. Also my younger bro that gave 'no present' he drove my wedding car, was my unoffical photographer for the day, played a song in the church and played in the resident's bar. So he more than gave enough as well! As for OH's younger bro......well he apparently was whacked with a 300 euro bar tab on check out, which I think he's still paying off

:D so he might have bigger fish to fry than a pressie for us.
I'm with you on teh empty promises though. I'd prefer now if those siblings that gave us nothing never mention it again. I'd be very annoyed if people kept saying they're gonna give something they're never gonna give....just let it be in the past, it is what it is, and move on

Smartguy · 14-07-2015 10:11PM

We opened up some cards after the wedding to pay the balance to the hotel, around €500. If there was no cash, no big deal, we had other options.

Doing it this way saved us a trip to the ATM.

sparkledrum · 14-07-2015 10:15PM

I'd never again give cash on the day. I did it a few times before but the most recent time I gave it to the groom's brother (the best man) and I never heard anything back or got a thank you card. As I'd got a thank you card for an engagement gift I knew they would have sent one for this as it was a fairly significant amount. I never said anything afterwards - how do you ask if they got your gift? But I've learned the lesson anyway - give the gift directly to the bride or groom but not on the day..

Addle · 14-07-2015 10:27PM

lazygal wrote: »

I know who gave what too. We had a guestbook which had a section at the back that we filled in after the wedding.

That says it all really!

lazygal · 14-07-2015 10:33PM

Addle wrote: »

That says it all really!

Says what? That we kept track to be able to give a personal thank you note? How rude of us to thank people for the gifts they gave us.

Sligo1 · 14-07-2015 10:41PM

lazygal wrote: »

Says what? That we kept track to be able to give a personal thank you note? How rude of us to thank people for the gifts they gave us.

Apparently keeping a list of what people gave us so we can thank them for said specific gift in the thank you card now makes us candlestick/photoframe/money grabbers.... "Sigh"....

Faith · 14-07-2015 10:57PM

What a surprise that this thread has brought out the usual suspects, who can't wait to judge and condemn us all for having weddings :rolleyes:. Funny how a few people seem to be frequent posters here, despite aggressively claiming weddings are boring, money-grabbing events with no redeeming qualities.

Toots · 14-07-2015 10:59PM

Sligo1 wrote: »

Apparently keeping a list of what people gave us so we can thank them for said specific gift in the thank you card now makes us candlestick/photoframe/money grabbers.... "Sigh"....

LOL! I kept a list too, as we were opening the pressies I wrote it in a little notebook so I'd remember for writing the cards later. I didn't write amounts for the money, just 'money'. Funnily enough even 5 years on I can still remember exactly who gave us what. I think it's cos we use the stuff all the time, which is nice. Well....apart from one particular photo frame....

lazygal · 14-07-2015 10:59PM

Faith wrote: »

What a surprise that this thread has brought out the usual suspects, who can't wait to judge and condemn us all for having weddings :rolleyes:. Funny how a few people seem to be frequent posters here, despite aggressively claiming weddings are boring, money-grabbing events with no redeeming qualities.

Yeah funny how some don't like them, even though they were a source of employment for them apparently.

Neyite · 14-07-2015 11:14PM

Addle wrote: »

That says it all really!

Ah to be fair, it is a good idea to keep track of who gave you what, just so you can personally thank them -eg, thank you for your lovely candlesticks which are on our mantelpiece is far nicer than just saying thanks for your gift.

I got loads of lovely (and unexpected) gifts when my baby was born, but never logged them at the time and to my shame, had to send everyone a generic thank you for your gift. It just didn't occur to me how lovely and generous people might be so I was unprepared. I'll have a spreadsheet ready to go for my wedding, even if its stayed blank, I'd rather be prepared.

I remember a girl I knew in college who's sister got married to a gobsh!te. She went up to the honeymoon suite to put some cards away safe. She assumed that the bundle that her new husband had earlier was up in the room. She discovered he'd taken all the money out of the cards and chucked the cards away in bins downstairs so she couldn't even find out who gave them cards and gifts for the thank you cards.Oh, and her parents paid for the whole thing so it wasn't like he took some of the money to pay the band or hotel either. I think I'd have killed him tbh.

Toots · 14-07-2015 11:25PM

I'm pretty sure that's grounds for divorce. Or an would she qualify for an annulment seeing as it's unlikely the marriage was consummated that night!!

Addle · 14-07-2015 11:35PM

lazygal wrote:

Says what? That we kept track to be able to give a personal thank you note? How rude of us to thank people for the gifts they gave us.

Is a guestbook not meant to be a lifetime momento of your special day, filled with the good wishes of those you chose to invite? That there is a section for gifts shows that they're expected and the role they play in the day.

Addle · 14-07-2015 11:56PM

And I'm not against weddings receptions of any type.
I just think some people should be honest when it come to how they expect to pay for them.

lazygal · 15-07-2015 06:15AM

Addle wrote: »

Is a guestbook not meant to be a lifetime momento of your special day, filled with the good wishes of those you chose to invite? That there is a section for gifts shows that they're expected and the role they play in the day.

Are you looking for reasons to have a go or something? How on earth does how we recorded who gave what in order to send personal thank you cards have a negative side?

The way some people go on when it comes to weddings makes me wonder if they spend all their time when they attend one secretly wondering how the couple will pay for things and judging them for having the cheek to spend money on their big day.

Sligo1 · 15-07-2015 07:47AM

lazygal wrote: »

The way some people go on when it comes to weddings makes me wonder if they spend all their time when they attend one secretly wondering how the couple will pay for things and judging them for having the cheek to spend money on their big day.

It would also make me wonder of there is also the smallest bit of jealously or bitterness there aswell if I'm completely honest...

Wedding presents...who did and who didn't!

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