An emotional affair...

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:22AM

buried wrote: »

Yeah but in all fairness Greentopia, this guy's wife probably thinks differently from what you may regard and that's fair enough too, y'know? She's his wife. She has a mind of her own too. He should respect that. To be honest this guy sounds like a total victim card waving, attention seeking, cheating dirtbag

Sigh...ok. Yes, she no doubt does think differently about fidelity and what constitutes an affair or cheating than I do, and yes that is fair, she's entitled to those views. She has conventional ideas on it it seems. That's fine.

The rest I have no reason to respond to.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:24AM

eternal wrote: »

This story I came across was a woman was in her early 40s, never had kids and was having an affair with a guy in work. She said he is leaving his wife, they don't sleep together anymore. Next thing his wife becomes pregnant and he is surprised, amazed at this revelation and now finds it even harder to leave her. Meanwhile the single woman loses out on any real chance of happiness and of ever having a family wasting three years on him while the pregnant wife lives in complete and utter oblivion of any kind of upset. It's a case of leading someone on and them having their cake and eating it. Oh yes, and in ALL of these stories, the wife is a complete bitch.

Sad story for all involved. Irrelevant to my situation though if that's what you're implying.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:29AM

PARlance wrote: »

Glad to see your moral compass has changed in 5 months and that you've gotten over the married with kid issue.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057196616/394/#post93963789

"Yup, can vouch for that. Was there last summer and had a few guys ask me to stay with them, guys hollering at me from cars and had the owner of a permaculture farm I stayed at message me on FB a few days ago (5 months later!) asking me to come back to see him again, and he made it very clear why!. He's married with a child
They're good looking generally and charming, but they live up to their womaniser reputation. They seem to love pale skinned Irish women."

Post diving eh? off ya go!

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:41AM

seenitall wrote: »

Thread has taken a rather depressing turn some time ago. Makes me grateful I have, by some miracle, managed to dodge either being the cheated on wife or the other woman, so far. Long may it continue!

But I do like reading different messy-human-relationships stories such as Greentopia's - that's why I like the PI/RI section so much!

Fair play to you exposing yourself like this in AH of all places, Greentopia, I can see it's a very charged thing for you. Just remember - there's always RI!

Yeah I thought it might be rough going, that's why I didn't bail when I got some grief. People are entitled to think what they want about me and people-especially married people will probably be the most vociferously opposed to what I had to say because it sets them thinking "what if my husband/wife cheated on me"?

And someone mentioned this earlier but I can tell you-it is ridiculously easy if you're an attractive woman (if I may be so immodest to view myself as such!) to find a married man who will cheat on his wife with you. It's just a fact.

This is why I allow my partners sexual freedom in a relationship. And actually the more freedom you give a man to sleep with other women the less likely I've found through experience he is to take advantage of that...all being well in the relationship of course.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:47AM

Deleted User wrote: »

That is sheer and utter nonsense. You must know this.

She had every reason to be suspicious or jealous of him. Because, as a matter of fact, he was being emotionally unfaithful. She just had no evidence until then, because he was deleting texts to hide things from her. But she had reason. When she found something he failed to hide, that evidence proved her quite correct.

Based on what evidence did she have reason to be suspicious?? there was none. None! believe me if she's had suspicions sooner she would have voiced them to him! she's not one to hold back.

Deleted User wrote: »

Your stance is indefensible. Just stop digging.

Oh ok so :roll eyes: I'm replying to people, if you don't like it don't reply to me again.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:53AM

Deleted User wrote: »

There you go with the passive aggression yet again. You broadcast your story. Expect judgements. Some might not suit you. You should really have started with "I am emotionally involved with a married man who lies to his wife and family and keeps me hanging on with promises that we'll get together, his wife is a jealous so and so, please be nice with your reactions" if you wanted only nice reactions.

You seem irritated by me. Been cheated on yourself perhaps?

There is a difference between fair judgements and trying to understand where someone is coming from and condemnatory judgement. I knew I'd get some flack sure, but don't see what I should just take it and not defend myself!

ceadaoin. · 08-06-2015 01:07AM

Greentopia wrote: »

Based on what evidence did she have reason to be suspicious?? there was none. None! believe me if she's had suspicions sooner she would have voiced them to him! she's not one to hold back.

Oh ok so :roll eyes: I'm replying to people, if you don't like it don't reply to me again.

How do you know what she's like? The only things you know about her are what her husband chooses to tell you. She's been married to him for 20 years, she must know him pretty well. Maybe he was acting distant, or glued to his phone or laptop. A lot of times people being cheated on will say they had a gut feeling something was up. Maybe it was nothing more than that. As it turns out, she was right to be suspicious.

08-06-2015 01:15AM

Greentopia wrote: »

Based on what evidence did she have reason to be suspicious?? there was none. None! believe me if she's had suspicions sooner she would have voiced them to him! she's not one to hold back.

Oh ok so :roll eyes: I'm replying to people, if you don't like it don't reply to me again.

You don't seem to understand the meaning of the word evidence. She had her reasons for believing that her husband was emotionally cheating in her with another woman. As a matter of fact, he was. With you. The fact that you don't know what evidence she had until she found the "I just want to get rid of my wife and then we'll be together" texts with you until she found the texts with you is not necessarily what gave her reason. Look, don't be bitter about her, she was married to him for 20 years, you have described her as the "bitter loon", I can't be the only one who thinks you are directing that one in the wrong way.

And I'm not the one whining about replies while boasting that I am the third wheel to a marriage.

Greentopia wrote: »

You seem irritated by me. Been cheated on yourself perhaps? !

Nope. But then again, my wife hasn't run off to anyone with moronic "my spouse doesn't understand me" stories. If things ever got to the point where she did, I wouldn't expect the other man to broadcast the story with a "please be nice in your replies" message emphasised through lots of passive aggression, belying a lot of frustration.

He's having you on. Another 100 passive aggressive posts won't change that. But you trust him, and good luck to you, and you should ignore the snorts of laughter here. And all the pity for the wife that you're encouraging him to actually cheat on, and not just emotionally. Oh no, sorry, you're only dangling the sex in front of him if he leaves his wife and child. You have your honour to maintain after all!

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 01:37AM

^ Jesus what a cluster fcuk of deliberate misinterpretations and misconceptions of what I wrote. I never even said some of the things you say I did but I'm too tired to go over them one by one now to refute.

Will do so after work tomorrow.

beks101 · 08-06-2015 01:40AM

It's actually fascinating to hear the real-life testimony from a self-admitted Other Woman and the thought processes that allow such a relationship to develop.

For me, and I'd imagine most emotionally healthy people, I might meet someone and think, "hmm, he's nice", get to know him and "hmmm, he's even nicer", and then the wife-and-kids memo is sent out and it becomes, "ah jaysus, of course." Sexual feelings on mute. He's taken, off the radar, scratched off the list, no dice. It immediately would friend-zone a guy for me, because what are the options here? Try to steal him away from his family? Meddle in something that's none of my business and would put my reputation on the line in a pretty irrecoverable way? Let some dude with no moral compass have his cake and eat it, while I get...what, exactly?

In order to do that, I think I'd have to engage in a serious level of denial and magical thinking as follows -

- He's miserable in his marriage, therefore it's not a real, valid, valuable marriage
- His wife is a crazy b1tch and I am essentially coming to the rescue here
- He's an exceptional guy, the likes of which I've never met before, nor will meet again. Case in point, he's staying with his horrible crazy b1tch wife in order to have access to his child, such is his awe-inspiring exceptionality.
- This isn't a typical affair: no-one else understands the love we have for each other. He's not a typical married man who'd sell his granny down the river for a ride; I'm not a typical moronic Other Woman who foolishly believes, mistakenly, that he'll leave his wife for me. He will actually leave his wife for me. He just can't right now. Because he's such an exceptional guy.

The issue being, in order to go through the above thought processes, there'd have to be a serious assault on my intellect and emotional intelligence and personal sense of pride.

In the end, maybe it would be the pride that would stop me. "Are you fukcing kidding me? I'm not putting myself in this ridiculous position until you do some serious compromising mate. Show me the money. Leave your wife, then we'll talk."

cookiexx · 08-06-2015 01:52AM

Greentopia wrote: »

And someone mentioned this earlier but I can tell you-it is ridiculously easy if you're an attractive woman (if I may be so immodest to view myself as such!) to find a married man who will cheat on his wife with you. It's just a fact.

You don't even have to be attractive love. You could look like the back of the bus and you'll still have an audience of married men ready to lap it up.

Does that feel like power to you? Some sort of achievement maybe? It's really not.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 08-06-2015 03:48AM

beks101 wrote: »

It's actually fascinating to hear the real-life testimony from a self-admitted Other Woman and the thought processes that allow such a relationship to develop.

For me, and I'd imagine most emotionally healthy people, I might meet someone and think, "hmm, he's nice", get to know him and "hmmm, he's even nicer", and then the wife-and-kids memo is sent out and it becomes, "ah jaysus, of course." Sexual feelings on mute. He's taken, off the radar, scratched off the list, no dice. It immediately would friend-zone a guy for me, because what are the options here? Try to steal him away from his family? Meddle in something that's none of my business and would put my reputation on the line in a pretty irrecoverable way? Let some dude with no moral compass have his cake and eat it, while I get...what, exactly?

In order to do that, I think I'd have to engage in a serious level of denial and magical thinking as follows -

- He's miserable in his marriage, therefore it's not a real, valid, valuable marriage
- His wife is a crazy b1tch and I am essentially coming to the rescue here
- He's an exceptional guy, the likes of which I've never met before, nor will meet again. Case in point, he's staying with his horrible crazy b1tch wife in order to have access to his child, such is his awe-inspiring exceptionality.
- This isn't a typical affair: no-one else understands the love we have for each other. He's not a typical married man who'd sell his granny down the river for a ride; I'm not a typical moronic Other Woman who foolishly believes, mistakenly, that he'll leave his wife for me. He will actually leave his wife for me. He just can't right now. Because he's such an exceptional guy.

The issue being, in order to go through the above thought processes, there'd have to be a serious assault on my intellect and emotional intelligence and personal sense of pride.

In the end, maybe it would be the pride that would stop me. "Are you fukcing kidding me? I'm not putting myself in this ridiculous position until you do some serious compromising mate. Show me the money. Leave your wife, then we'll talk."

Well said.
I know an older lady, she'd be in her 60s now, never married but for as long as I've known her, she's only been involved with married men. Maybe some women do see it as competition, or being able to take something that isn't theirs.
Maybe it's a self esteem thing.

08-06-2015 06:08AM

Greentopia wrote: »

^ Jesus what a cluster fcuk of deliberate misinterpretations and misconceptions of what I wrote. I never even said some of the things you say I did but I'm too tired to go over them one by one now to refute.

Will do so after work tomorrow.

Back to the swearing and anger?

No you didn't say some of the things I wrote. For example, you didn't say you don't understand the difference between reasons and evidence. You don't. You said she sounds like the bitter or jealous one. Believe me, you do. You're the one swearing about replies and complaining about them, not me. And the "you been cheated on"? Risible.

As I said though, for all the foregoing, the bit where you offer to convert his current emotional cheating to sex if he leaves his wife and kid, that's possibly the most objectionable bit.

PARlance · 08-06-2015 08:36AM

Greentopia wrote: »

Post diving eh? off ya go!

I was curious to see if you were trolling.
But avoid the reality if you wish.

Off you go with the husband, the father, the guy that's eventually going to leave.

This Fat Girl Runs · 08-06-2015 10:43AM

Greentopia wrote: »

What's in it for me is the possibility of having a life with a man who I'm deeply attracted to (this doesn't happen very often for me!), who I have so much in common with and who I respect deeply. In every other way apart from the fact that he's married we're perfect for each other. That's why I have to give this every chance to work out. If this is the man I'm supposed to be with I have to give it every chance within reason to succeed.

But I should add-he doesn't get anything out of holding onto the "stability of his marriage" except for the sake of being there for his son.

Greentopia, I'm not judging you here because only you know the ins and outs of this situation. If he makes you happy and you are willing to wait for him even while knowing that you may end up with your heart broken, then go with your guts and see it through to the end.

I am curious however, in what way you respect this man? From what you've said in here (and thanks for being so honest with your story), this is a man who:

is emotionally cheating on his wife;
won't end OR mend his marriage with her;
has a woman lined up waiting in the wings for him (you), and
is so good at playing happy families that his own family are deceived into believing everything is ok.

That doesn't sound very respectable to me. Can you clarify why you respect him so deeply and what he has done to earn such deep respect from you? Everyone has their faults of course, it might help to list some of his virtues as well. You say he's there for his son which is admirable, but what else is he?

ThinkProgress · 08-06-2015 11:22AM

So, basically from reading this tread...

Lots of people trying to justify their filthy dishonest cheating by calling it some fancy new age name! lol

Good an yous. Head in the sand is better than a kick in the teeth! :P

Hannibal Smith · 08-06-2015 11:36AM

PARlance wrote: »

I was curious to see if you were trolling.
But avoid the reality if you wish.

Off you go with the husband, the father, the guy that's eventually going to leave.

He's not going to leave. Why would he when he's having his cake and eating it. He's getting the attention and thrill of new beginnings all the while enjoying the security of family life.

Emotional affairs are fantasies. All these new ways of communicating makes it possible to get thrills elsewhere all the while pretending you're not doing anything wrong.

Just because you want something doesn't mean you can have it.

Menas · 08-06-2015 11:39AM

This thread is a great read. But I still cant differentiate the difference between an 'emotional affair' and 'friendship' with someone.

Is it that both are friendships, but you are more open (to other people) about one than the other?

Fat Christy · 08-06-2015 11:51AM

Menas wrote: »

This thread is a great read. But I still cant differentiate the difference between an 'emotional affair' and 'friendship' with someone.

Is it that both are friendships, but you are more open (to other people) about one than the other?

I have a good few friends of the opposite sex but I wouldn't talk to them every day. While they would be there for me when I need them, I wouldn't be spending all my time with them. When I was in a relationship, for sure, I'd go off with my friends but it is not something I would have hidden from my bf at the time. He would have met all my friends and I would always tell him where I'm going, who I'm talking to etc. Not that I had to, I just did. Sometimes he accompanied me, sometimes he didn't.

I think, I could be wrong, but for it to be emotional cheating would there not have to be some sort of spark? I know with my male friends, there's nothing there. I care about them for sure but it's like brother/sister, if that makes sense?

I love being with them but I don't feel the need to talk to them every day and I could look homeless around them and not care.

When it's someone I'm attracted to and there's a spark, I'd be very excited about talking to them and I would always try to look my best around them etc.

I'm probably not explaining this very well. :-/

Menas · 08-06-2015 11:53AM

Fat Christy wrote: »

I'm probably not explaining this very well. :-/

Cheers for that FC, it does explain it well. The 'spark' thing - I understand that!

Baggy Trousers · 08-06-2015 11:54AM

Interesting thread.

Are we seeing a huge rise in actual affairs these days given it's a lot easier to find/contact potential "opportunities" via the internet social media and dating sites and improved mobile communications?

anncoates · 08-06-2015 12:02PM

Here's me thinking you only got these moral group ambushes in Personal Issues.

Saralee4 · 08-06-2015 12:18PM

Fat Christy wrote: »

I

I think, I could be wrong, but for it to be emotional cheating would there not have to be some sort of spark? I know with my male friends, there's nothing there. I care about them for sure but it's like brother/sister, if that makes sense?

.

yea I think that is a good explanation.

I imagine its like an elephant in the room. Both of you know that you are interested emotionally and sexually in one another but you don't actually verbally acknowledge it but with every meeting, encounter, conversation, something is said or done even just slight like the brush of a arm against the other person or something s said that could be a joke or a compliment and the prospect of getting together seems more likely each time. Both people know but they also know they shouldn't act on it so they keep it as a 'friendship' however as time goes on, it is just escalating. Then they either cut ties and try to make it work with their partner or they get together secretly or they have leave their partner for the other person.

arayess · 08-06-2015 01:01PM

eternal wrote: »

She has been deluded by the man's lies. I'm not saying she is innocent either. I've seen this countless times. Men saying they will leave the wife only for the child blah blah. Nobody should get involved with anyone till they have actually left their partner.

not going to comment on Greentopia in particular
but a few points leaped out at me , I stayed with my ex for about 2 years after i should have left cos we'd a kid and lo and behold I had sex in those two years with her because it was the only show in town and considering i was staying for the "sake of the kid" it was the only one for the foreseeable future.
I kinda saw sense after a while and we split.

having sex with a partner doesn't indicate that you are happy in that relationship , it could simply be going through the motions.

as for an emotional affair , not convinced it exists.
I suspect in the detailed accounts we have been given in this thread that riding was taking place - or at least if the offer of sex was there it would have been taken. I'd class that in the affair stakes.

Neyite · 08-06-2015 01:31PM

Menas wrote: »

This thread is a great read. But I still cant differentiate the difference between an 'emotional affair' and 'friendship' with someone.

Is it that both are friendships, but you are more open (to other people) about one than the other?

To me an emotional affair is a sexually charged friendship, where you are emotionally if not physically intimate with another person to the extent that you are keeping that friendship secret from your spouse.

If its just a friendship, why not just be honest and tell your wife you had lunch with Jane* and she sends her regards?

A friend does not need their texts deleting. Or talk about you leaving your spouse for them.

steddyeddy · 08-06-2015 02:02PM

It isn't only the secrecy. An emotional affair is more charged. There's a desire there for something more.

Nucular Arms · 08-06-2015 02:14PM

This just boils down purely to people being selfish and weak.

They want it both ways but don't have the character to just follow through with a decision and end what their current relationship.

You have to know that if you are involved in such an "emotional affair" that the writing is on the wall for whatever relationship you're in. If there wasn't something you were receiving from the new person that you don't get get from your current partner then you wouldn't be in this mess. Any man worth his salt would do the right thing and move on, no matter how painful or difficult it may be. You have a responsibility to your partner to be straight with them and not subject them a long running mindf**k like several female posters on here described.

Whatever the shortcomings of you current partner are that you led you to find someone "better" for you, you owe it to that person to allow them to get on with their lives without you with as little fuss as possible.

Anyone who says that they couldn't because "it would hurt her" is a selfish coward who just doesn't want the hassle.

eviltwin · 08-06-2015 03:03PM

Menas wrote: »

This thread is a great read. But I still cant differentiate the difference between an 'emotional affair' and 'friendship' with someone.

Is it that both are friendships, but you are more open (to other people) about one than the other?

Friendships have boundaries. As much as I love my friends I love my partner more. If I was constantly thinking about them, wanting to be with them, wanting to talk to them that would be a problem.

steddyeddy · 08-06-2015 04:04PM

As evil said friendships have boundaries. There's no desire to be affectionate towards friends. In my case we had fights because there was a tension between us.

Menas · 08-06-2015 04:21PM

steddyeddy wrote: »

In my case we had fights because there was a tension between us.

That is an interesting point! I do have some friends who inexplicably will fight with me. Could be a one way EA!

An emotional affair...

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