An emotional affair...

07-06-2015 10:22PM

Greentopia wrote: »

He doesn't "hawk details around" about anyone. He's actually a very private man and it took a good while before he opened up to me about his marriage. His own family thinks his marriage is fine as he doesn't talk to them about it-and he has a good relationship with them, especially his brothers.

So he lies to his wife and family, but he tells you, the other woman, the truth!

Is this a parody by any chance? Are you taking the mick out of women who mess with married men and showing them up as being obtuse, ignoring all the neon flashing signs, gullible? It has to be.

07-06-2015 10:23PM

Greentopia wrote: »

Nope, never said I have no problem with any level of cheating. I just don't regard sexual infidelity as cheating in my relationships. For me what's important is emotional fidelity.

It's not that I don't like jealous wives, I just find irrationally jealous behaviour like she has displayed in the past a sign of instability and a bit scary!

And I have a mind of my own thank's.

And he is emotionally intimate with you. You have already said that.

And you are not married to him. So you are saying he is emotionally unfaithful.

So by your definition, he's a...cheater?

eternal · 07-06-2015 10:23PM

Look it's fair to see the whole thread is ganging up on someone and it's not really anyone's business what she does. We all know the guy sounds like a complete tosser but there's no point digging a funeral plot for the woman.

eviltwin · 07-06-2015 10:25PM

Greentopia wrote: »

Nope, never said I have no problem with any level of cheating. I just don't regard sexual infidelity as cheating in my relationships. For me what's important is emotional fidelity.

It's not that I don't like jealous wives, I just find irrationally jealous behaviour like she has displayed in the past a sign of instability and a bit scary!

And I have a mind of my own thank's.

She's the wife! Your view of what's acceptable is not relevant, it's not your husband involved with another person.

07-06-2015 10:25PM

eternal wrote: »

Look it's fair to see the whole thread is ganging up on someone and it's not really anyone's business what she does. We all know the guy sounds like a complete tosser but there's no point digging a funeral plot for the woman.

Um.

It's not our business? She has posted again and again about it. It's not like anyone here has gone through her phone and read her texts or anything. Mind you, we wouldn't get anything out of his texts, as he deletes them.

eternal · 07-06-2015 10:28PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Um.

It's not our business? She has posted again and again about it. It's not like anyone here has gone through her phone and read her texts or anything. Mind you, we wouldn't get anything out of his texts, as he deletes them.

She has been deluded by the man's lies. I'm not saying she is innocent either. I've seen this countless times. Men saying they will leave the wife only for the child blah blah. Nobody should get involved with anyone till they have actually left their partner.

Greentopia · 07-06-2015 10:31PM

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Ah yeah, sure it's always the loony wife's fault.

Another one who either can't or doesn't want to read what I actually wrote.
Never said that or even implied it but don't let that stop you. There's always two sides to the story when a marriage falls apart. Never once heard of a situation outside of abuse cases where one side was completely blameless.

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

It's obviously utterly impossible for him to tell her the marriage is over, she'd probably get more loony and stab him!

Seriously, he's an adult. He can tell her it's over. You're as bad as each other and you're both participating in him cheating. Don't pretend it's not cheating.

Wonder who his emotional intimacy will be with when you take his wife's place?

Already given my views on what I consider cheating and why he has cause to think carefully before doing anything.

Yes I wonder. Any woman within close proximity that he will offer a shoulder to cry on I should expect. Me being the awful harridan that I am :roll eyes:

07-06-2015 10:35PM

Greentopia wrote: »

There's always two sides to the story when a marriage falls apart.

And that's true.

His version. And his wife's version. So what is her side? Could it be anything like "my husband is emotionally unfaithful, wants to leave me, tells other women about our marital problems, tells them to wait"?

Greentopia wrote: »

Yes I wonder. Any woman within close proximity that he will offer a shoulder to cry on I should expect.

I'm married. I am friends with women. Who offer shoulders to cry on. But I would never ever suggest they wait for a relationship or bad mouth my wife. It's so far beyond the line, it's appalling.

Greentopia · 07-06-2015 10:37PM

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Always irrationally jealous according to him. No form according to him.

Yes, it's called trusting someone based on smarts, instinct and experience.

ceadaoin. wrote: »

You would probably learn a lot if you spoke to his wife. From your posts it sounds like he's wanted to leave for many years but his child is fairly young so it can't be that long? Of course, he's painted her as a crazy person now so you wouldn't believe her anyway if she contradicted his account.

As I've already said-he's 4 years old, 5 this year. Yes I'm sure I would learn some things if I was to speak to her but as I have no intention of doing so it's hardly relevant.
Yes yes, I'm a gullible fool. I've gone through this already in previous posts.

ceadaoin. wrote: »

The fact is he is conducting an affair with another woman behind his wife's back and has left it until he's been caught (because he wasn't sneaky enough that day and forgot to delete a message) to fess up.

Ok, thank's for that insight.

buried · 07-06-2015 10:37PM

Greentopia wrote: »

Nope, never said I have no problem with any level of cheating. I just don't regard sexual infidelity as cheating in my relationships. For me what's important is emotional fidelity.

It's not that I don't like jealous wives, I just find irrationally jealous behaviour like she has displayed in the past a sign of instability and a bit scary!

And I have a mind of my own thank's.

Yeah but in all fairness Greentopia, this guy's wife probably thinks differently from what you may regard and that's fair enough too, y'know? She's his wife. She has a mind of her own too. He should respect that. To be honest this guy sounds like a total victim card waving, attention seeking, cheating dirtbag

eternal · 07-06-2015 10:43PM

This story I came across was a woman was in her early 40s, never had kids and was having an affair with a guy in work. She said he is leaving his wife, they don't sleep together anymore. Next thing his wife becomes pregnant and he is surprised, amazed at this revelation and now finds it even harder to leave her. Meanwhile the single woman loses out on any real chance of happiness and of ever having a family wasting three years on him while the pregnant wife lives in complete and utter oblivion of any kind of upset. It's a case of leading someone on and them having their cake and eating it. Oh yes, and in ALL of these stories, the wife is a complete bitch.

07-06-2015 10:48PM

eternal wrote: »

This story I came across was a woman was in her early 40s, never had kids and was having an affair with a guy in work. She said he is leaving his wife, they don't sleep together anymore. Next thing his wife becomes pregnant and he is surprised, amazed at this revelation and now finds it even harder to leave her. Meanwhile the single woman loses out on any real chance of happiness and of ever having a family wasting three years on him while the pregnant wife lives in complete and utter oblivion of any kind of upset. It's a case of leading someone on and them having their cake and eating it.

God love her, the time wasted, the possible loss of the chance to have children herself with someone with whom she could have a lasting relationship. But surely the whole world knows the risks when one gets involved with a married man. As I have said before,some of my married friends have had affairs. They even play the "my wife doesn't understand me, the marriage is dead" line. But I don't think any of them expect that is believed, the affair is based on sex, not really on the promise of a lasting relationship.

PARlance · 07-06-2015 10:50PM

Greentopia wrote: »

Yes, it's called trusting someone based on smarts, instinct and experience.

As I've already said-he's 4 years old, 5 this year. Yes I'm sure I would learn some things if I was to speak to her but as I have no intention of doing so it's hardly relevant.
Yes yes, I'm a gullible fool. I've gone through this already in previous posts.

Ok, thank's for that insight.

Glad to see your moral compass has changed in 5 months and that you've gotten over the married with kid issue.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057196616/394/#post93963789

"Yup, can vouch for that. Was there last summer and had a few guys ask me to stay with them, guys hollering at me from cars and had the owner of a permaculture farm I stayed at message me on FB a few days ago (5 months later!) asking me to come back to see him again, and he made it very clear why!. He's married with a child
They're good looking generally and charming, but they live up to their womaniser reputation. They seem to love pale skinned Irish women."

eternal · 07-06-2015 10:50PM

Deleted User wrote: »

God love her, the time wasted, the possible loss of the chance to have children herself with someone with whom she could have a lasting relationship. But surely the whole world knows the risks when one gets involved with a married man. As I have said before,some of my married friends have had affairs. They even play the "my wife doesn't understand me, the marriage is dead" line. But I don't think any of them expect that is believed, the affair is based on sex, not really on the promise of a lasting relationship.

I used to volunteer on a support line so I have heard it a lot. It's always the same thing. The woman is sucked in by the guy's lies and then finds it hard to break away from him. Time goes on then and they don't realise just how much they have been led on. It's very common.

Greentopia · 07-06-2015 11:01PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. I fell in love with a friend, someone I used to say I would never have any romantic feelings for but it happened, I was just lucky we were both single. It took me totally by surprise so I can see how easily it can happen. You don't have the relationship, everyone will say you should stay away regardless but its easy to say that. The person with the relationship is always the one who needs to set the boundries imo.

Don't disagree with anything there. I got the feeling you may have spoken out of having gone through the same or similar experience-therein lies the difference in your perception and understanding of the situation.

He's the one who has held back because he doesn't want me to get hurt. Believe me if it was just down to me I may have made the mistake of sleeping with him by now. And I know he finds me physically attractive-told me often enough! so it's not that. He just wants to do things properly and the fact that he's like that makes him all the more attractive to me. He's a decent man.

eviltwin wrote: »

I know if you were my daughter or friend I would be telling you to step back, put a bit of distance between you and see what happens, give him the space to end things with his wife but I know its easier said than done. I don't think anyone puts themselves in the position you are in out of spite or to intentionally break up a family, its a tough place to be, it would be so much easier to find someone single but you have feelings for this man so you probably make allowances as we all do when we are in love.

Thank you. That's exactly the advice I've gotten from a close friend of mine who's opinion I respect. I have put distance between us-physical distance at least and that makes it a bit easier knowing I can't just see him without getting in a car or bus first. However I'm planning to move back to the same county he lives in so I'm going to get this sorted out one way or another before then.

I really didn't plan this, it happened over the course of a few months in work where we gradually found ourselves attracted to each other. The attraction was so strong we couldn't continue to just ignore it.

Yes I'm all too aware how much simpler it would be to forget him and find someone unattached, but I have feelings for him and can't do that without first finding out if this might work out. What if he's the one I'm supposed to be with? that's what I keep thinking. For the sake of that possibility I think waiting a bit longer is worth it.

eviltwin wrote: »

I would just really hate to see this guy mess you around and I'm saying that very aware of the fact you have an insight that we on the thread don't, its easy for us to put it down to a typical married man who wants to have his cake and eat it. You do seem to be a lot more realistic and level headed than a lot of people in this situation, you have your line in the sand that you have set for him, don't move that line no matter what he says. If its meant to be and he feels that way he will do what he needs to to make it happen. I appreciate he has a kid and that is an extra complication but don't put yourself last, lots of people with kids move into new relationships and make it work, he can too.

Good luck, if his marriage really is over I hope he can find it in himself to end it so everyone can move on and find happiness

Thank's again, your kind words and advice are appreciated. I like hearing someone else's perspective on it so long as it's meant in a sincere and helpful manner.
I hope I can continue to remain level headed and realistic!

Yes I very much have a line in the sand, I know the importance of that and not changing it just to accommodate his wishes or situation. I have to for my own sanity and emotional wellbeing.

Greentopia · 07-06-2015 11:16PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm sorry but I just don't buy that. If you and your spouse are both of the opinion that your marriage is over I don't see why or how you would be having sex. Its different if one person is drifting away and the other is unaware of it, its easy to keep going just to have a quiet life.

He is of that opinion, she's just carrying on as if nothing is wrong, burying her head in the sand as I've said. She knows the marriage is over but won't face it.

eviltwin wrote: »

How close of a friend is this guy? Do you know his wife? Do you know his other friends, her friends, are there other people who can confirm that they are on their last legs? Have you been in their company together to see how they are with each other?

Again, you know better than anyone what he is saying and you are the best judge of how sincere he is, I'm not trying to imply you're being taken for a fool here or that you are stupid or anything so apologies if that is how it comes across.

No, it's fine, they're fair questions. We know a fair bit about each other. We've been emailing for months and I've seen him a few times outside work when it's possible. I no longer work in the same place as him now though so it's mostly email contact.

I don't know his wife no, only what he has told me and what I've discerned from her Facebook account (he warned me she might try and contact me after she found the texts, so I wanted to check her out to see what might be in store!).

And no is the answer to your other questions. Yes I see what you're saying, and ideally it would be good to get third party corroboration but all I can say is I trust him. If he turns out to be a liar then I will have made such an error in judgement I don't know if I'll be able to trust any man for a long long time, but that's the risk I'm willing to take.

steddyeddy · 07-06-2015 11:19PM

Emotional affairs are a weird one for me. Mine was with a girl from a very conservative culture. Her ethic group didn't like outsiders marrying in (she was a Central Asian women from a steppe region) and her culture had very strong ideas about the role of men and women in relationships.

She wasn't my type at all at all and I don't think I was her type either. We came from similar family backgrounds though and to say we clicked would be an understatement. She got very affectionate with me cuddling into me and lying down on my lap and eventually we shared a bed together. We didn't do anything and I didn't try to kiss her as I was afraid of ruining the friendship. She told me she loved me. She said we could kiss but I didn't respond and in her culture the woman never makes the first move and I didn't want to change things. She hinted that we should become boyfriend and girlfriend.

It's weird though she did make me jealous once or twice and I her. She went home a few months ago and I'm not sorry I didn't try to kiss her.

It was so weird being so close to someone but the danger in these things is if you get that close you'll always want to be a step closer. It's a logical progression to want to express affection even in the form of a kiss on the cheek or sharing a bed. It's hard to see how strong emotional connections don't turn physical.

seenitall · 07-06-2015 11:35PM

Thread has taken a rather depressing turn some time ago. Makes me grateful I have, by some miracle, managed to dodge either being the cheated on wife or the other woman, so far. Long may it continue!

But I do like reading different messy-human-relationships stories such as Greentopia's - that's why I like the PI/RI section so much!

Fair play to you exposing yourself like this in AH of all places, Greentopia, I can see it's a very charged thing for you. Just remember - there's always RI!

Greentopia · 07-06-2015 11:45PM

beks101 wrote: »

Oh Greentopia. I understand all too well how emotions can muddy the waters, but from a bystander's point of view this is so textbook it's just all a bit cringe. It's like watching two cars speeding towards each other...

Every single Cheating Married Man in the history of all time has told his Other-Woman-to-be that his marriage was dead in the waters, his wife didn't understand him and he's only staying for the children. Every last one of them.

He's never said his wife doesn't understand him and he hasn't told me he is staying for his child. He's just understandably afraid of losing access to the most important person in the world to him.
She has spoken before of her desire to move back to where her family are (in another county) taking their son with him, so it's not a baseless fear.

beks101 wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, I'm as laidback as they come in my relationship, we complement each other perfectly in that respect, but if I suspected my OH had another woman on the side and was bare-faced lying to my face about it repeatedly, to the point where I was questioning my own sanity, I'd be pushed to the brink as well. Phones, iPads, PCs, emails, whatsapp messages, I'd be checking them all.

He hasn't lied about anything, except lying by omission in telling the truth of his contact with me I suppose.
When she found his texts to me and Linkedin mails he told her he was in contact with 'someone' he was attracted to. He admitted to her he had feelings for me. Not telling her who I am, he just said it was a former work colleague.
That was a few weeks ago and I haven't been in contact much to let the dust settle and give him some space to deal with the situation.

I repeat-she had no reason whatsoever to be suspicious or jealous of him prior to the day she found those texts and mail. He did nothing to raise any suspicions and was extremely careful to avoid that, until that one slip up.
Why won't people bloody read what I've already written??

beks101 wrote: »

If we were married? I'd be stalking the guy. Following him to work with binoculars. Marriage is hard work, it's an investment, it's her life. 20 years she's spent with this man. 20 years and a child. Who are you, who probably knows him a comparative five minutes, to say their relationship is a farce, just because he told you so with his own disloyal intentions?

I'd be needing some evidence. Divorce papers. A new place of residence and shared custody documents. Anything less than that and you're just another cliche I'm afraid.

Stalking the guy with no reason. Glad I'm not married to you!

Divorce... shared custody... etc. Yes, why don't I just click my fingers and make it so eh? I've known him only nearly a year and we've made our feelings known to each other in December last. Divorce takes 4 years at least in this country, even if he got a separation agreement sorted in the morning.
I have no intention of waiting 4 years at least to find out how serious he is about me, I can promise you that. The next few months will reveal by his actions what he really wants and I'll take it from there.

beks101 wrote: »

I nearly LOLd at this. Most people would stop here.

Channing Tatum and I would be perfect for each other, only he's a movie star.

I know we're not living in a black-and-white world and relationships start and end with so much overlap in the real world, but if Married Man isn't enough of a red traffic light, I think you need to take a good, hard look at yourself.

How well do you know Channing Tatum then? yeah of course, you're totally right, I only know my guy as well as a Hollywood actor I've never met so the two cases are totally comparable. Stop talking nonsense.

Married Man is a very good red light yes...if he was happily married. He's not.

07-06-2015 11:52PM

Greentopia wrote: »

I repeat-she had no reason whatsoever to be suspicious or jealous of him prior to the day she found those texts and mail. He did nothing to raise any suspicions and was extremely careful to avoid that, until that one slip up.

That is sheer and utter nonsense. You must know this.

She had every reason to be suspicious or jealous of him. Because, as a matter of fact, he was being emotionally unfaithful. She just had no evidence until then, because he was deleting texts to hide things from her. But she had reason. When she found something he failed to hide, that evidence proved her quite correct.

Your stance is indefensible. Just stop digging.

Greentopia · 07-06-2015 11:52PM

Deleted User wrote: »

So he lies to his wife and family, but he tells you, the other woman, the truth!

I don't think he talks much about the state of his marriage at all with his family. It's a can of worms he doesn't want to open with them. And I wonder why if some of the judgemental responses here are anything to go by?!

Deleted User wrote: »

Is this a parody by any chance? Are you taking the mick out of women who mess with married men and showing them up as being obtuse, ignoring all the neon flashing signs, gullible? It has to be.

You have no clue what you're talking about. You haven't taken the time or haven't had the inclination to understand where I'm coming from at all but have happily jumped to your own preconceived ideas and conclusions about the kind of person I'm like and what he's like and his motivations without knowing either of us or any of the details involved.

Therefore quite frankly your opinion is irrelevant to me.

Penny Tration · 07-06-2015 11:54PM

Greentopia wrote: »

He's never said his wife doesn't understand him and he hasn't told me he is staying for his child. He's just understandably afraid of losing access to the most important person in the world to him.
She has spoken before of her desire to move back to where her family are (in another county) taking their son with him, so it's not a baseless fear.

He hasn't lied about anything, except lying by omission in telling the truth of his contact with me I suppose.
When she found his texts to me and Linkedin mails he told her he was in contact with 'someone' he was attracted to. He admitted to her he had feelings for me. Not telling her who I am, he just said it was a former work colleague.
That was a few weeks ago and I haven't been in contact much to let the dust settle and give him some space to deal with the situation.

I repeat-she had no reason whatsoever to be suspicious or jealous of him prior to the day she found those texts and mail. He did nothing to raise any suspicions and was extremely careful to avoid that, until that one slip up.
Why won't people bloody read what I've already written??

Stalking the guy with no reason. Glad I'm not married to you!

Divorce... shared custody... etc. Yes, why don't I just click my fingers and make it so eh? I've known him only nearly a year and we've made our feelings known to each other in December last. Divorce takes 4 years at least in this country, even if he got a separation agreement sorted in the morning.
I have no intention of waiting 4 years at least to find out how serious he is about me, I can promise you that. The next few months will reveal by his actions what he really wants and I'll take it from there.

How well do you know Channing Tatum then? yeah of course, you're totally right, I only know my guy as well as a Hollywood actor I've never met so the two cases are totally comparable. Stop talking nonsense.

Married Man is a very good red light yes...if he was happily married. He's not.

Wow, that's a sh!tty attitude.

Good luck with your affair.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:01AM

Deleted User wrote: »

And he is emotionally intimate with you. You have already said that.

And you are not married to him. So you are saying he is emotionally unfaithful.

So by your definition, he's a...cheater?

I said for me-as in my relationships-what is important is emotional fidelity.

I would expect emotional fidelity from him, or anyone else in a relationship. Cheating in my view would be having an emotional and sexual relationship. Falling in love with someone else for example.

It's not up to me to characterise him as such... as a cheater whether he objectively is or not, it's his right to decide what he feels cheating means to him.
We'll only have that conversation when it becomes relevant to me if we get together.

08-06-2015 12:02AM

Greentopia wrote: »

And I wonder why if some of the judgemental responses here are anything to go by?.

There you go with the passive aggression yet again. You broadcast your story. Expect judgements. Some might not suit you. You should really have started with "I am emotionally involved with a married man who lies to his wife and family and keeps me hanging on with promises that we'll get together, his wife is a jealous so and so, please be nice with your reactions" if you wanted only nice reactions.

Greentopia wrote: »

Therefore quite frankly your opinion is irrelevant to me.

Really? If you didn't keep responding again and again and again that might be almost believable!

08-06-2015 12:04AM

Greentopia wrote: »

I said for me-as in my relationships-what is important is emotional fidelity.

Oh I think we have fully established that, for his wife, and whether she thinks emotional fidelity is important, is completely irrelevant to you.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:05AM

eternal wrote: »

Look it's fair to see the whole thread is ganging up on someone and it's not really anyone's business what she does. We all know the guy sounds like a complete tosser but there's no point digging a funeral plot for the woman.

I'd give you a thank's if you hadn't added that last line. He's not a tosser.
I know it doesn't sit well with some people to admit this but good guys have affairs as well if they're deeply unhappy and trapped in a loveless relationship or marriage.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:06AM

Deleted User wrote: »

Um.

It's not our business? She has posted again and again about it. It's not like anyone here has gone through her phone and read her texts or anything. Mind you, we wouldn't get anything out of his texts, as he deletes them.

Oh ok, so I should just ignore people when they post about me? I shouldn't defend myself at all? :rolleyes:

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:08AM

eternal wrote: »

She has been deluded by the man's lies. I'm not saying she is innocent either. I've seen this countless times. Men saying they will leave the wife only for the child blah blah. Nobody should get involved with anyone till they have actually left their partner.

Yes, that's me, a poor deluded fool. Never mind you really know sweet fcuk all other than what I've said here about the situation. Ok, think I've said all I want to to you if your opinion of me is so low. Good night.

08-06-2015 12:12AM

Greentopia wrote: »

Oh ok, so I should just ignore people when they post about me? I shouldn't defend myself at all? :rolleyes:

Did I suggest you should be censored or stopped from defending yourself?

No.

Let's not make up points that were never made. You can make your points away, I can point out the huge hypocrisy, we can all post away.

Greentopia · 08-06-2015 12:17AM

Deleted User wrote: »

And that's true.

His version. And his wife's version. So what is her side? Could it be anything like "my husband is emotionally unfaithful, wants to leave me, tells other women about our marital problems, tells them to wait"?

That will become more apparent in time I should imagine if we continue seeing each other. Or should I contact her right now to ascertain her side of the story and have things completely blow up and she throws him out of his house taking his son with her? Yes his house that he pays the mortgage for on his own because she's not working despite being fit and well.

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm married. I am friends with women. Who offer shoulders to cry on. But I would never ever suggest they wait for a relationship or bad mouth my wife. It's so far beyond the line, it's appalling.

He doesn't and has never bad mouthed his wife to me. Telling me his marriage is over and he doesn't love his wife =/= bad mouthing her. He simply tells me factually what's been going on with her in the marriage.

An emotional affair...

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