An emotional affair...

steddyeddy · 06-06-2015 03:58PM

By not trusting you woman you're going to make it more likely for her to cheat IMHO.

Cold War Kid · 06-06-2015 04:03PM

joollyparo wrote: »

My girl having long hour chats with her "male cousin or even uncles " sets me on edge. Not to talk of her "male friends". I trust my girl but i do not trust a man's intentions.
All this emotional affair issue is plain BS.

But the first part of your post makes it seem as if you think it's something which isn't bullsh1t at all.

Why would you never trust a man's intentions?

TheBeardedLady · 06-06-2015 04:18PM

Hungry Hyena wrote: »

You can trust your partner but also be self aware enough to know that your are fallible and capable of mistrusting people.

Course. Though I do think if you have a deep mistrust of your partner's friend, there must be a mistrust for your partner on some level. Perhaps not in every case but perhaps you might wonder why your partner is friendly with a person who very obviously fancies them - if you can spot it, why can't he or she.

Edit: I'm only speculating. I've been jealous in the past of a very close female friend of an ex but in hindsight, I didn't trust him. He'd cheated on another ex before me and had cheated on the girl he went out with after me so....

ThinkProgress · 06-06-2015 04:19PM

joollyparo wrote: »

My girl having long hour chats with her "male cousin or even uncles " sets me on edge. Not to talk of her "male friends". I trust my girl but i do not trust a man's intentions.
All this emotional affair issue is plain BS.

I'd dump someone if they carried on like that.

People's intentions are not as complicated as some like to paint them.

Too many people in relationships are searching for someone different/better. But too selfish to cut their OH adrift. It's just selfish behaviour. Not terribly complicated.

Penny Tration · 06-06-2015 04:25PM

strobe wrote: »

Not as one may think, an affair that was quite emotional, but an affair of the emotions, rather than the Jenny Thalia.

I've been involved in no fcuking affairs! :mad:

Menas · 06-06-2015 04:57PM

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

I've been involved in no fcuking affairs! :mad:

Dont be sad, it may happen for you some day.

leakey · 06-06-2015 05:22PM

I don't normally post, but this one hit a nerve with me. I am in a long term relationship (decade+) long. He is vwry good looking, gets loads of female attention. Doesn't bother me in the least. He has female friends, some very close, again not bothered. He had an emotional affair though, which was absolutely nothing like a normal friendship.

They worked together, in a very small team. It started innocently enough, heard her name mentioned, etc. She broke up with her boyfriend and suddenly I was hearing about her daily. Then he landed home with her one day and they had coffee and cake, which was supposed to be for us. Minor things, which eventually fell into a bigger pattern. Then, he was going into work an hour early and leaving an hour later but going for runs "with the team". He started talking about her all the time. First thing in the morning, he was hoping that she had slept well, last thing at night it was how worried he was about her. He started inviting her to the cinema with us and on his own, to the pub with us and our friends. She hated me on sight and she made me uneasy. I felt like the third wheel. When they were together, it was all in jokes and work references. I felt so uncomfortable but I didn't say anything in case I was just being paranoid and jealous.

I eventually spoke to him and pointed out that we had one evening alone without her and he saw her every day. He got very critical of everything that I did and he was so impatient with me all the time. I was going through some stuff with my family and all he did was tell me that I was a mess and why couldn't I be more like her.

Fast forward a few weeks and they take the day off work together to spend it going site seeing and then drinking. He was so excited to spend the day alone with her. Couldn't wait. I had to call him that day because I needed him to do something. He was so angry with me for interrupting his time with her.

Then, he casually mentioned that they were going away for a three day conference abroad together. At this stage, I hit the roof. I eventually discovered that he was not working two extra hours a day, he was chatting to her. They spent every single lunch, coffee break, etc together. He was running alone with her. He was constantly in contact with her. Someone from work commented on our home. I asked how they knew that when they had never been there. She had invited them over from work one evening. To my home. I was away but he saw nothing at all wrong it. Not his friends either, hers.

I think that the easiest way to describe it was that she was the last thing that he thought of at night and the first thing in the morning. She was his main priority. I was just a hindrance to him spending time with her.

I am sure that nothing physical happened but I am equally sure that they would have fallen into each others arms at that conference. He hid an awful lot from me, clearly cos he knew it wasn't normal or right.

If you believe that emotional affairs don't exist, you are wrong. Thing of it as a slow, intense lead up to a physical affair if you would prefer.

My heart is broken, my confidence shattered. I will never be the same again. He insists that it was completely normal and he did nothing wrong. He can't understand why I would think that it was an emotional affair, because thay aren't real, just in people's heads.

steddyeddy · 06-06-2015 05:49PM

I know this sounds clichéd but my emotional affair happened because I discovered my soul mate. She definitely wasn't my type although she was considered very good looking. It's just we were cut from the same cloth so to speak.

06-06-2015 05:52PM

leakey wrote: »

I don't normally post, but this one hit a nerve with me. I am in a long term relationship (decade+) long. He is vwry good looking, gets loads of female attention. Doesn't bother me in the least. He has female friends, some very close, again not bothered. He had an emotional affair though, which was absolutely nothing like a normal friendship.

I've been batting for men in this one so far...but afraid your partner is acting like a complete an utter arsehole and you have the patience of a saint. I'm sorry, bringing a woman around to the house with friends while you're away is just wrong wrong wrong. It's like he's flaunting how close he is with her to others. I have female friends, but he has gone way way over the line of what is appropriate.

conorh91 · 06-06-2015 05:56PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I've been batting for men in this one so far...but afraid your partner is acting like a complete an utter arsehole and you have the patience of a saint. I'm sorry, bringing a woman around to the house with friends while you're away is just wrong wrong wrong. It's like he's flaunting how close he is with her to others. I have female friends, but he has gone way way over the line of what is appropriate.

This.

There may be 17 years between us but you surely are another sage Conor.

steddyeddy · 06-06-2015 05:57PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I've been batting for men in this one so far...but afraid your partner is acting like a complete an utter arsehole and you have the patience of a saint. I'm sorry, bringing a woman around to the house with friends while you're away is just wrong wrong wrong. It's like he's flaunting how close he is with her to others. I have female friends, but he has gone way way over the line of what is appropriate.

Yes I agree completely. It does sound like an emotional affair.

leakey · 06-06-2015 06:01PM

Hungry Hyena wrote: »

I think you need to make it clear to your partners what your personal boundaries are, you aren't comfortable with that behaviour and that's the end of it, if that's not on then you can both go your separate ways. There are no universal boundaries to a relationship, it is up to you and your partner to agree on what is acceptable and what is not.

I made it clear, crystal clear. In fact, I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around. Not happy was the response I got.

06-06-2015 06:04PM

steddyeddy wrote: »

Yes I agree completely. It does sound like an emotional affair.

I think it sounds more like the build up to a real one.

What he's done is shocking. He was all but flaunting his relationship with that other woman to others. Surely having lunch every day with her, bringing her to the house specifically while she was away, it's almost like a "she's mine". I have friends who have had "proper" affairs but Christ they were at least discreet about it! Rubbing your partner face in it by bringing her out with them? No matter how friendly you are with another woman, you should have enough respect for your own wife or partner to know where the line is.

Penny Tration · 06-06-2015 06:08PM

leakey wrote: »

I made it clear, crystal clear. In fact, I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around. Not happy was the response I got.

If he felt remorseful and tried to make things up to you, I could understand you staying with him.

But he believes he's done nothing wrong? And still works with this woman?

Why are you still with him?

leakey · 06-06-2015 06:08PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I've been batting for men in this one so far...but afraid your partner is acting like a complete an utter arsehole and you have the patience of a saint. I'm sorry, bringing a woman around to the house with friends while you're away is just wrong wrong wrong. It's like he's flaunting how close he is with her to others. I have female friends, but he has gone way way over the line of what is appropriate.

I feel like a fool. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I was so worried about coming across as jealous and pathetic but in fact, I am just pathetic. It wasn't normal at all. We all have friends of the opposite sex. They are friends, the friendship is different to same sex friendship but it is only friendship. This was a completely different thing. I can't describe the subtleties and nuances but everything was different.

beks101 · 06-06-2015 06:11PM

leakey wrote: »

I made it clear, crystal clear. In fact, I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around. Not happy was the response I got.

What has happened since? Is she still in his life in the same way? Has he cut ties? Is he still prioritizing her?

All of that sounds incredibly hurtful and betraying, tbh I'd sooner get over my OH sleeping with someone else than any of that. I think what would be hardest for me would be the denial and the painting of you as some sort of hysterical, insecure, bat-sh1t crazy possessive girlfriend, just because his betrayal isn't as tangible as if he had jumped into bed with someone else.

I also don't think the other party is innocent in this either. The fact that she actively hated you on sight shows she perceives you to be a threat. You're competition. I think her motives are pretty grim tbh.

leakey · 06-06-2015 06:15PM

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

If he felt remorseful and tried to make things up to you, I could understand you staying with him.

But he believes he's done nothing wrong? And still works with this woman?

Why are you still with him?

He doesn't. They both moved jobs. I am still here because to be honest, it hit me like a sledge hammer. My whole world changed. I looked back and questioned everything. I have been diagnosed with depression since and I just don't have the strength to leave yet. Getting through the average day, going through the motions from habit is as much as I can manage. It seems ridiculous. I reacted to the whole thing very badly. I couldn't sleep, eat or function. I have never experienced anything like it before.

06-06-2015 06:18PM

leakey wrote: »

I feel like a fool. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I was so worried about coming across as jealous and pathetic but in fact, I am just pathetic.

No, you were neither. I can't pretend to advise you on some anonymous site, and as I said my sympathy would be with the men in most matters mentioned on this thread. I have friends who are close to women and don't tell their wives when they go out with them. They do it just to avoid rows. I have friends who have had one night stands. I have had friends who have had lengthy affairs. But not one of them has so callously rubbed their wives face in it. Even those having an affair, as strange as it sounds, they have some fundamental respect for their wives and they don't parade the other woman around the place.

steddyeddy · 06-06-2015 06:20PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think it sounds more like the build up to a real one.

What he's done is shocking. He was all but flaunting his relationship with that other woman to others. Surely having lunch every day with her, bringing her to the house specifically while she was away, it's almost like a "she's mine". I have friends who have had "proper" affairs but Christ they were at least discreet about it! Rubbing your partner face in it by bringing her out with them? No matter how friendly you are with another woman, you should have enough respect for your own wife or partner to know where the line is.

He was a d1ck, no doubt. I'm not downplaying it saying it was an emotional affair. An emotional affair can be harder to deal with than a real one.

leakey · 06-06-2015 06:24PM

beks101 wrote: »

What has happened since? Is she still in his life in the same way? Has he cut ties? Is he still prioritizing her?

All of that sounds incredibly hurtful and betraying, tbh I'd sooner get over my OH sleeping with someone else than any of that. I think what would be hardest for me would be the denial and the painting of you as some sort of hysterical, insecure, bat-sh1t crazy possessive girlfriend, just because his betrayal isn't as tangible as if he had jumped into bed with someone else.

I also don't think the other party is innocent in this either. The fact that she actively hated you on sight shows she perceives you to be a threat. You're competition. I think her motives are pretty grim tbh.

There was two of them in it. Neither innocent. She is a complete and utter bitch anyway, aside from all this. She deliberately made him feel special and crossed the line again and again. He equally gave her by far too much time and attention and crossed the line again and again.

I insisted that all contact was cut. I got plenty of excuses but I insisted. I fell apart when I found out, so maybe looking at someone every evening who wasn't eating, sleeping and couldn't stop crying did it. He applied for a transfer and got it. He left the company after. It was clearly a very long and hard thing for him to do. I don't have sympathy for him. She saught him out time and again. He moved offices but she was still turning up asking him to go to lunch. He left of his own accord but will admit that she is too intense.

From her perspective, it was really going somewhere and suddenly he was cancelling his attendance at the conference and not spending extra time with her. He transferred suddenly and she probably felt that she had to make a big effort to keep him. Then she turned into the irritating and psycho person.

06-06-2015 06:27PM

leakey wrote: »

There was two of them in it. Neither innocent. She is a complete and utter bitch anyway, aside from all this.

I forgot to add that.

She is obviously a complete boot. She clearly had no respect for you, and not a whole lot of respect for herself either, participating in a game like that.

Penny Tration · 06-06-2015 06:32PM

I don't envy you leakey, it's a heartbreaking position to be in. I understand not feeling strong enough to leave yet.

However, I think if you reach out to your family and friends, make a plan to leave, and get up and do it, you'll start to feel better. Once the misery of it ending is over, you'll be able to move on.

Right now you're stuck in a miserable existence with a man you had to force to treat you like a human being worthy of respect.

He's dragging you down. The affair might be over, but it took you breaking down in front of him to make him leave his job. You've been diagnosed with depression and he still says he's done nothing wrong!

How are you going to get better with him telling you you're wrong and he's right?

leakey · 06-06-2015 06:37PM

Thanks for not making me feel crazy. I sometimes can't believe that my life is actually like this. I do need to go. I didn't tell my family much because they were going through enough at the time. I will have to pull myself together and go though. Thanks again.

beks101 · 06-06-2015 06:51PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I forgot to add that.

She is obviously a complete boot. She clearly had no respect for you, and not a whole lot of respect for herself either, participating in a game like that.

I dunno. To be honest, it's not a very PC thing to say but I genuinely believe there are just some people in this world who meet someone who is in a relationship and instead of it being a deterrent, it becomes a challenge. A game. An ego boost in the making. Get the guy/girl to ditch their OH and you've won.

They tend to have similar traits too. Emotionally manipulative. Narcissistic. Don't deal well with No. One face to the person they're interested in and another to the world.

I think you can have a wonderful relationship with someone and still feel insecure if they meet someone like this, because anyone can get sucked in by this type of person. Especially - unfortunately - if they're super hot. They'll use that as a weapon too.

TheBeardedLady · 06-06-2015 08:01PM

leakey wrote: »

Thanks for not making me feel crazy. I sometimes can't believe that my life is actually like this. I do need to go. I didn't tell my family much because they were going through enough at the time. I will have to pull myself together and go though. Thanks again.

You're not in the slightest bit crazy, Leakey. Any woman or man would feel as you did. I would be really hurt by what your boyfriend did - it's absolutely humiliating. That's the kind of closeness a couple should have. There's close friendships with the opposite sex and there's this.

Saralee4 · 06-06-2015 08:04PM

beks101 wrote: »

I dunno. To be honest, it's not a very PC thing to say but I genuinely believe there are just some people in this world who meet someone who is in a relationship and instead of it being a deterrent, it becomes a challenge. A game. An ego boost in the making. Get the guy/girl to ditch their OH and you've won.

They tend to have similar traits too. Emotionally manipulative. Narcissistic. Don't deal well with No. One face to the person they're interested in and another to the world.

I think you can have a wonderful relationship with someone and still feel insecure if they meet someone like this, because anyone can get sucked in by this type of person. Especially - unfortunately - if they're super hot. They'll use that as a weapon too.

This is very true and obviously we cant really say what the this girl is because we don't know her but very often it is in fact that the man or woman is unavailable that is part of the relationship dynamic.

They went to lunch, running, and had evenings out together but you lived with this man for 10 years probably have been there for him more so than anyone in his life. People get caught up in the flattery and excitement of something new. I bet if they had have got together and lived real life, the excitement would wear off and they would get to know one another's real personalities and it would not have worked- I assume that both of them know this because otherwise he would have left you. If he really loved her he would have left you but he didn't because he knows deep down that it wouldn't work with her however he has not shown much love for you either and leaky you deserve better for yourself.

I hope you have the best of luck with whatever you do in the end.

steddyeddy · 06-06-2015 08:09PM

I should point out my emotional affair involved both of us being single but dating the odd other person. I just don't know another way to describe it.

TheBeardedLady · 06-06-2015 08:17PM

steddyeddy wrote: »

I should point out my emotional affair involved both of us being single but dating the odd other person. I just don't know another way to describe it.

Would that be an emotional affair or just a very intense friendship?

steddyeddy · 06-06-2015 08:25PM

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Would that be an emotional affair or just a very intense friendship?

We shared a bed, she asked to kiss me, it got extremely close between us to the point where we were in love with each other.

December2012 · 06-06-2015 08:37PM

Beks your boyfriend is behaving abominably. By not acknowledging what he did he is still disrespecting you.

And I would not be surprised if she (and possibly he) is just biding her time.

An emotional affair...

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