Wedding Abroad - Bridal party paying for own accomodation

rosboy · 20-03-2015 01:46PM #1

Hi all.

Got engaged recently, and looking at a wedding abroad. We have a price for a 5 bed villa for 5 days where the wedding party will stay, and the reception will be held by caterers (there will be approximately 60 guests outside of the wedding party; they'll stay in accommodation in local hotels/apartments).

The plan would be for the bride/groom, parents of the bride/groom, and families of the bridesmaid/bestman to stay in the five rooms.

Our problem is that the only way the villa becomes viable for the wedding is if we ask the bridal party to pay for their own rooms for the 5 nights. We'd be asking them to pay the equivalent of what they'd pay in a local hotel, so they wouldn't be overpaying.

I'm not sure if this is good form or not. If we were having the wedding in Ireland, we'd be looking to pay for our parents rooms, but abroad we'd have to ask them to pay for their own, and the bridesmaid/best man to do the same.

What's the norm for weddings abroad like this?

Having the wedding in the villa would be a dream for me and my fiance (mainly my fiance

), but at the same time, we don't want to appear stingy, or offend anyone.

Thoughts?

Milly33 · 20-03-2015 01:56PM

Uhh tis a tough one so it is... Cognrats too.. In the end and you are going to hear this a lot "Do want ye would Like to Do"..

I don't think there is any particular straight forward answer to this.

Of course it would be great if ye could afford to pay for all those going in the house, as I am sure they are paying for the flights etc to go with ye for yer dream day.. But that is where everything is perfect.

I would think ok if ye could afford it, then go for it pay for their rooms. It will make life so much easier on them. And would probably ease their minds knowing they have to pay no more extras.

If ye cant afford to then I would think charge them as little as possible if ye want to be nice.
If not and no of them aren't really worried about the cost then let them pay their own accomdation.

You really need to sit down and talk to them see what kinda they are expecting.

I know we went to one wedding and the himself was groomsman and their was no mention about a free room or anything, or even getting a room in the hotel. It was more here is a list of accommodation go for it. And we went and paid our own way. We didn't mind it was fine but then the accommodation was close by and all that goes.

Then on the other hand our own, my sister is travelling over for it, along with her kids and hubbie so they are incurring a hefty enough cost just to be there. She is also making our cake and will be helping out a lot, so we are saying they get a room for free... While a brother who is in Ireland and also will be helping out we are kinda saying maybe €40 for the stay for the weekend...

It is all politics really to be honest. You need to sit down and talk to all id say get a feeling for what ye can afford, what they can afford and make sure ye aren't putting pressure on anyone going with the price, and all else will fall into place..

stickybookmark · 20-03-2015 01:56PM

my sister got married in Portugal and I was chief bridesmaid. All of us in the wedding party not only paid for, but organised our own accommodation. I didn't even question it at the time, it's only now years later that I'm planning my own wedding and reading all these forums that I realise in some circumstances the bridal party's accommodation would have been paid for in that instance.
It's always an awkward one but as long as the money you're charging them is comparable with local hotel prices it's fine. If there's cheaper options available nearby then it's a bit cheeky to ask them to stump up more than the going rate for the villa.

rosboy · 20-03-2015 02:07PM

Thanks for the feedback Milly and stickybookmark.

I suppose my question was more for the parents rather than the bridesmaids/bestman.

Milly, I know what you're saying about the politics. There can often be someone who "awkward" that you have to handle with care to make sure their nose isn't put out of place, but I think we're lucky that we don't have that. Even if we overcharged them, I still think they wouldn't complain! I just want to make sure we are being fair to everyone.

stickybookmark, it's a whole different ball game when you're organising your own wedding...loads of tightropes to navigate

Milly33 · 20-03-2015 02:37PM

It is madness the world of weddings haha.. It does sound loverly I will say, the plan sounds great.

With parents I don't know I would tend to pay for their room, places to stay. That would just be me though everyone is different.. Like I know it has been mentioned already with our own that the parents both sides don't mind paying but at the same time I would like us to pay for their room. It was a big deal breaker with one hotel when they said no they would only give our room for free

Faith · 20-03-2015 03:19PM

Why are you paying for the families of the bridesmaid and best man? The actual bridal party should of course get priority. Unless you mean the bridesmaid and her +1, and the best man and his +1 when you say 'families'?

The general rule is - if you're asking someone to do something specific, you pay for them. That means you pay for accommodation for your bridal party if they must stay somewhere specific. Same if you're asking them to wear a particular outfit or have their hair/makeup/whatever done. If you can't afford it, don't do it

eviltwin · 20-03-2015 03:46PM

I think asking people to pay their own way is fine but if you do you can't expect them to stay where you want. That's the drawback.

MrWalsh · 20-03-2015 03:54PM

eviltwin wrote: »

I think asking people to pay their own way is fine but if you do you can't expect them to stay where you want. That's the drawback.

Yes, if I were asked to pay my own way Id much rather choose my own hotel accommodation rather than have a room in a shared villa with 4 other couples.

Hotel prices would also include breakfast and room cleaning, villa probably doesnt.

Uno my Uno. · 20-03-2015 04:21PM

rosboy wrote: »

Hi all.

Got engaged recently, and looking at a wedding abroad. We have a price for a 5 bed villa for 5 days where the wedding party will stay, and the reception will be held by caterers (there will be approximately 60 guests outside of the wedding party; they'll stay in accommodation in local hotels/apartments).

The plan would be for the bride/groom, parents of the bride/groom, and families of the bridesmaid/bestman to stay in the five rooms.

Our problem is that the only way the villa becomes viable for the wedding is if we ask the bridal party to pay for their own rooms for the 5 nights. We'd be asking them to pay the equivalent of what they'd pay in a local hotel, so they wouldn't be overpaying.

I'm not sure if this is good form or not. If we were having the wedding in Ireland, we'd be looking to pay for our parents rooms, but abroad we'd have to ask them to pay for their own, and the bridesmaid/best man to do the same.

What's the norm for weddings abroad like this?

Having the wedding in the villa would be a dream for me and my fiance (mainly my fiance ), but at the same time, we don't want to appear stingy, or offend anyone.

Thoughts?

Its a difficult one, I was at a wedding where exactly this happened and it did cause problems. It turned out quite expensive for the bridal party (who were only staying there because they were asked to) and whilst nothing was said, there was a little resentment as people couldn't help but feel that they were paying for the wedding venue.

In fairness it was a fantastic wedding, everyone really enjoyed themselves and it has all been long forgotten but it was an issue at the time.

PhoenixParker · 20-03-2015 04:29PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

Yes, if I were asked to pay my own way Id much rather choose my own hotel accommodation rather than have a room in a shared villa with 4 other couples.

Hotel prices would also include breakfast and room cleaning, villa probably doesnt.

Also, the five days is what stands out to me. For a friends wedding I'm ok with paying for a nights accommodation, maybe even two - three nights if I'm in the bridal party, but five nights?

That's really stretching things.

magicmushroom · 20-03-2015 04:33PM

I think that if you are expecting them to pay for themselves, you need to give them the freedom of choosing their own accommodation.
I would prefer to stay in a hotel with my partner, than to share a villa with other couples.

You also need to be prepared that weddings abroad are costly for guests in general; flights, accommodation, new clothing etc...so not everyone may be able to go. I know people who have planned weddings abroad and expected everyone to just treat it as their summer holiday, but not everyone can afford a summer holiday these days.

You'll have a fab time if it all comes together though, congratulations and I hope your planning runs smoothly

Uno my Uno. · 20-03-2015 04:35PM

PhoenixParker wrote: »

Also, the five days is what stands out to me. For a friends wedding I'm ok with paying for a nights accommodation, maybe even two - three nights if I'm in the bridal party, but five nights?

That's really stretching things.

I agree, I don't think people have a problem paying their way but five nights is lot to ask. You're essentially asking the bridal party to spend their holiday at your wedding. Obviously for your parents that isn't a big deal but for others it might be too much.

irelandrover · 20-03-2015 04:38PM

If I was part of the wedding party i wouldn't have a problem paying for accommodation for a night or two.

Being asked to pay for 5 nights accommodation at a location of the bride and grooms choosing, which also holds the wedding ceremony would annoy me.

It wouldn't be enough to make me avoid the wedding but I would try to get out of being best man.

.red. · 20-03-2015 04:39PM

To be honest i think your asking for trouble. Your almost forcing people to have their annual holiday at a villa that you want to book. What are they supposed to do if they want to make a week or fortnights holiday out of it? Check out and go elsewhere after the wedding?
I was best man at a wedding abroad last year and my wife was bridesmaid. The couple getting married picked accommodation for themselves that was reasonably priced and emailed links to everybody that was going. If people wanted to book it they could. If they didnt they went elsewhere. The wedding itself was in a hotel nearby that was pretty expensive, the self catering accommodation they picked was perfect as they ran busses to and from the hotel to the place most people were staying. They also paid for a room in the hotel for the night of the wedding for myself and my wife which was nice of them and not expected by us.
If i thought they were picking a villa or hotel that suited them and i HAD to pay whatever it was to stay there id have been a bit miffed about it.
Maybe thats not what you want to hear but from someone whos was in your bridal partys situation thats my opinion on it.

lazygal · 20-03-2015 04:51PM

We attended a wedding abroad recently. We have two children so flights and the hassle that goes with that was a cost but we got a good hotel deal. I wouldn't be going to a wedding if I was told I had to stay somewhere the couple had picked and quite honestly unless it was an extremely close friend or sibling I wouldn't sign up for five nights. We did three and it was enough. I'd expect to contribute to accommodation costs for a bridal party, when we got married one of the first things we budgeted for was the bridal party's expenses. People might not say it to you but these kind of arrangements can be costly in more than monetary terms.

Milly33 · 20-03-2015 04:54PM

see there are lots of different opinions haha if it all fails maybe let us know, have'nt planned the honeymoon yet and love meeting new people

An Bhanríon · 20-03-2015 05:43PM

I have been bridesmaid twice. Both times I have had everything paid for. Once was a wedding abroad. I did try to pay for a few things but was told on no uncertain terms not to put my hand in my pocket!

Maybe some people do it differently but that would be my experience of Irish weddings, i.e. that there is no cost to be in the bridal party.

It probably depends a bit on the financial situation of the people you want to ask. Currently, if I was asked to be bridesmaid and expected to pay to my own flights and accommodation I probably wouldn't mind too much since I would be going to the wedding anyway. If my financial situation were different there would be no way I would be attending the wedding if it was abroad!

One way around the whole thing, of course, would be not to have a bridal party and just to have two witnesses. We did that and it suited us down to the ground. But you may not want to go down that road...

theteal · 21-03-2015 09:04AM

I was best man for a Spanish wedding and the idea of my accommodation being covered never came into my head.

Our own Spanish wedding is only around the corner and we're covering all guests accommodation for the night of the shindig (I'm dragging people up a Spanish mountain, its the least I can do) but people are telling me I'm mad.

So OP, as you've already surmised, there is no official answer. Just communicate with everyone and try not to piss anybody off.

CaraMay · 22-03-2015 07:18AM

How much round it cost you to cover the cost for 5 nights? Can you not reduce it to 3 or 4 and cover the cost of the villa. As others have said, people traveling to a wedding wouldn't necessarily expect their Accomodation to be paid but then rigid scorch to be able to choose the location and timing of their stay.

I wouldn't be happy being tied into the wedding villa for 5 nights tbh.

amdublin · 22-03-2015 09:44AM

I am sorry but it would be incredibly rude of you to ask people to pay to stay in a villa that you want but cannot afford.

At the end of the day the people have to stay somewhere but it is up to them where they stay.

IF on the other hand they asked for suggestions you could of course put it out there that there was the option of you all staying in the villa.

I think you need to cut your cloth, either pay for the whole villa yourself, or else stop looking at villas/places outside of your budget.

Spanish Eyes · 22-03-2015 02:06PM

Personally I would absolutely dread sharing accommodation with five other couples/singlies in a villa. I would just like a hotel room with my partner, and have some privacy and peace and quiet if and when we want it.

OK for starters how many bathrooms are in the villa? There will be B+G getting ready and everyone else. Recipe for friction if one or more spends too long in the bog!

Do all people you propose staying in the villa get along REALLY well? That is the big question. Throwing people together who do not normally live together for five days in my view is a recipe for disaster.

If it were me, I would pay for the B+Gs parents in a hotel somewhere, and let everyone else do their own thing.

Please reconsider this. Everyone values their privacy, and everyone has their own way of doing things. That doesn't always translate into harmony when they are all thrown together.... especially at a wedding when there is, whether we like it or not, a bit of stress involved on the day!

Best of luck to you, and congratulations!!

Thoie · 22-03-2015 02:39PM

I've been put in a similar situation to what you're describing, and haven't spoken to the groom since. I came away at the end of the wedding about €1,000+ out of pocket, and the feeling that I had only been selected for the wedding party for my ability to fork over cash. I'm sure the bride and groom would be horrified to hear that, but it's the truth.

Like your plan, I was "forced" to pay over x amount for a small room (no ensuite), then do a lot of cooking and cleaning during the week (the bride and groom were always too busy to clear the table after their ginormous meals). While the cost of a hotel would have been comparable in the groom's eyes, in a hotel I'd have had a bathroom of my own, and wouldn't have been expected to do the cleaning. Nor would I have been expected to sleep in a storage room (as things started to arrive for the wedding, they ended up being placed in people's bedrooms).

I know the happy couple are probably thinking "Huh, a grand? We paid over 15k feeding and watering you ungrateful lot", but it's their wedding, not everyone elses. If they can't afford the type of wedding they want, it is unfair to expect other people to make up the difference (which seems to be a recurring theme around here - we'll get it back in cash gifts).

At some point, ask yourself if you were a guest/bridesmaid/groomsman at this wedding, how much would it cost you. Flights, dress, shoes, accommodation, gift, eating out, taxis to and from airports, even the bloody cost of suncream, travel insurance, whatever.

MrWalsh · 22-03-2015 04:19PM

amdublin wrote: »

I think you need to cut your cloth, either pay for the whole villa yourself, or else stop looking at villas/places outside of your budget.

Have to echo this, if the villa is dependant on other people's financial contributions then it's not the wedding venue you can afford.

stickybookmark · 22-03-2015 04:24PM

Our wedding venue (not abroad) has a mandatory stay of 2 nights and we have to book out/pay for the entire venue for the 2 nights. The rooms are 250/night. So afraid was I of asking our families to pay this (esp my scary SIL) that we are subsidising 175 p/n and only charging them 75 per room per night. I felt we had to offer rates that were comparable with local B&B prices

cookiecakes · 22-03-2015 04:29PM

My husband was best man at a wedding in Portugal and we paid for all our own accommodation. To be honest, it didn't even cross our minds that we wouldn't pay for it ourselves. However, if we'd be told we had to share a villa for the best part of a week with other couples and still pay I would have been unimpressed.

Wabbit Ears · 22-03-2015 04:34PM

Also had a wedding abroad. My dad paid for a small hotel for a few days for himself and his family. It was in my wife's town so that side didn't need accommodation. The night of the wedding we paid the hotel we had the wedding in for anyone who had travelled from abroad for the wedding.

Guests coming before the day and staying after stayed where they wanted. Most just stayed in the same hotel but some stayed at a much cheaper hotel only a walk away.

We also arranged all airport transfers for those travelling that came on a set number if flights that covered most travel times.

As for 5 nights. If not pay that but I wouldn't expect my guests to either.

Call a spade a spade , you can't afford it. Look elsewhere as it's the lowest of the low to have your guests fund your wedding.

MadDog76 · 22-03-2015 04:49PM

rosboy wrote: »

Hi all.

Got engaged recently, and looking at a wedding abroad. We have a price for a 5 bed villa for 5 days where the wedding party will stay, and the reception will be held by caterers (there will be approximately 60 guests outside of the wedding party; they'll stay in accommodation in local hotels/apartments).

The plan would be for the bride/groom, parents of the bride/groom, and families of the bridesmaid/bestman to stay in the five rooms.

Our problem is that the only way the villa becomes viable for the wedding is if we ask the bridal party to pay for their own rooms for the 5 nights. We'd be asking them to pay the equivalent of what they'd pay in a local hotel, so they wouldn't be overpaying.

I'm not sure if this is good form or not. If we were having the wedding in Ireland, we'd be looking to pay for our parents rooms, but abroad we'd have to ask them to pay for their own, and the bridesmaid/best man to do the same.

What's the norm for weddings abroad like this?

Having the wedding in the villa would be a dream for me and my fiance (mainly my fiance ), but at the same time, we don't want to appear stingy, or offend anyone.

Thoughts?

I can't believe you're even asking this .......... when a person is asked to be part of the Wedding Party it should cost them zilch, absolutely nothing.

fits · 22-03-2015 06:56PM

stickybookmark wrote: »

Our wedding venue (not abroad) has a mandatory stay of 2 nights and we have to book out/pay for the entire venue for the 2 nights. The rooms are 250/night. So afraid was I of asking our families to pay this (esp my scary SIL) that we are subsidising 175 p/n and only charging them 75 per room per night. I felt we had to offer rates that were comparable with local B&B prices

Wow, thats fairly generous! Wheres the venue? by pm if you dont want to say..

Thankfully our place are only asking us to book out the place for one night. that helps a lot. I wouldnt have booked it if they wanted us for two nights.

Uno my Uno. · 22-03-2015 06:56PM

MadDog76 wrote: »

I can't believe you're even asking this .......... when a person is asked to be part of the Wedding Party it should cost them zilch, absolutely nothing.

That's not fair either, I'm getting married abroad (my fiancé is from foreign) and we won't be paying the bridal party's costs and they don't expect us to. If we had to pay for flights and accommodation for our party (and their partners) we wouldn't be able to have them at all.

I have been a groomsman a couple of times and it never occurred to me that my travel and accommodation would be paid for, having said that I wasn't asked to stay in a particular place for 5 nights either. OP as I said before I have seen this exact situation before and people were put out about it. Sounds to me like this venue is beyond your budget, I don't think its fair to put that cost onto your guests.

Unless you and your friends are the kind of people who would go on group holidays like this anyway I think you should consider another venue.

fits · 22-03-2015 06:58PM

Btw, I also think OP should pay for villa themselves. Its only five rooms. It shouldnt be that bad!

MadDog76 · 22-03-2015 07:14PM

Uno my Uno. wrote: »

That's not fair either, I'm getting married abroad (my fiancé is from foreign) and we won't be paying the bridal party's costs and they don't expect us to. If we had to pay for flights and accommodation for our party (and their partners) we wouldn't be able to have them at all.

I have been a groomsman a couple of times and it never occurred to me that my travel and accommodation would be paid for, having said that I wasn't asked to stay in a particular place for 5 nights either. OP as I said before I have seen this exact situation before and people were put out about it. Sounds to me like this venue is beyond your budget, I don't think its fair to put that cost onto your guests.

Unless you and your friends are the kind of people who would go on group holidays like this anyway I think you should consider another venue.

Whenever I've been part of a Wedding Party I've never had to pay for anything .......... why would I?
Why would anybody think they can have their Wedding anywhere in the world they choose and expect the expense of that decision to be put onto individuals who have no say in these decisions whatsoever???

Wedding Abroad - Bridal party paying for own accomodation

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