Funeral sermons

The Strawman Argument · 27-02-2015 08:20PM #1

So I was at a funeral recently of a woman nearly 100 years old and her whole sermon amounted to "she was always making visitors tea"; all of those symbolic gifts they bring up at the start of the funeral were related to tea making too. A few months ago I was at another one that went on and on about how much the woman loved working as a nurse; she worked as a nurse for five years in the 70s before getting married and then retired to become a farmer's wife, never heard her speak of it with anything other than contempt. Every farmer's one I've been to has been about how much they loved the peacefulness of the land.

Are there any especially great or terrible ones you can recall? Is it even possible to do someone justice with one or are most lives just a bit crappy?
What kind of depressingly brief summation of your life do you expect to be thrown about at your funeral and what kind of symbolic gifts would you expect to be brought up to the altar?

I asked my family and the whole lot of them seemed to agree the sermon would be about how I liked solitude but was generous and helpful, and that a set of earphones, a tea towel and a dustpan encapsulated my life.

catallus · 27-02-2015 08:26PM

Why a dustpan?

Mr. Remote Control · 27-02-2015 08:31PM

COOOOOL IDEA!! I thought I was the only one who played Tea Towel Dustpan!! I play it everyday!! I literally thought I was the only one who played this game!!!!

SWEEEEET!!

catallus · 27-02-2015 08:33PM

How do you play?

_Whimsical_ · 27-02-2015 08:33PM

My granny was a nurse and midwife before she married. After she married and no longer officially worked she would be called to houses in the area when a pregnant woman was unwell or giving birth because the people didn't have money for a doctor.
At her funeral the priest began the sermon by saying "M gave birth to 3/4 of the people in this church today, there's hardly a soul in the area that this woman didn't give birth to infact".
A slip of the tongue but one my granny would have laughed so much at that it seemed appropriate.:)

orestes · 27-02-2015 08:34PM

Once the sandwiches are decent nothing else matters.

I'd die of shame if my funeral had sh!te sandwiches.

Sheep Lover · 27-02-2015 08:38PM

orestes wrote: »

Once the sandwiches are decent nothing else matters.

I'd die of shame if my funeral had sh!te sandwiches.

Err...

Lollipops23 · 27-02-2015 08:42PM

The priest at my Nana's funeral was actually pretty decent. She'd moved away from the parish 10 years before (when my Grandad died), so she'd never even known the priest.

He went around several of the neighbours still living the area from my Nana's era and gathered lots of info about her and my Grandad- for instance, Grandad was really into horticulture and won awards for it over the years. He wrote the eulogy with all this in mind, and it really meant a huge amount to my family.

My step granddad passed away last year, but he didn't want a church funeral. Instead his family (I wasn't there, I live abroad) made it all about him and his life and played the theme from The Magnificent Seven at the start (maaaasive fan of old Westerns).

Mr. Remote Control · 27-02-2015 08:43PM

catallus wrote: »

How do you play?

Well obviously you need a tea towel and a dustpan (normal towel cut in half will do - if no tea towel is clean (the tea towel has to be clean)).

So it's best when two play it but you can play it solo and it's still pretty exhilarating.

So you grab the dustpan and wave it up and down (if dustpan is in your left hand, in a circular motion if in your right) while jumping up and down.

When your jumping up and down you have to shout "Tea towel! Tea Towel!!"

So you grab the tea towel, and attach it your head (I actually cheat a bit here, rules are you should use masking tape, but I use glue!!!)

The winner is who lasts the longest. Or if your playing solo, usually just best records etc. My record is at 2 hours and 3 minutes!!!!!

SWEEET!

kneemos · 27-02-2015 08:44PM

As long as they get the name right,everything else is blowing smoke.

catallus · 27-02-2015 08:48PM

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

Well obviously you need a tea towel and a dustpan (normal towel cut in half will do - if no tea towel is clean (the tea towel has to be clean)).

So it's best when two play it but you can play it solo and it's still pretty exhilarating.

So you grab the dustpan and wave it up and down (if dustpan is in your left hand, in a circular motion if in your right) while jumping up and down.

When your jumping up and down you have to shout "Tea towel! Tea Towel!!"

So you grab the tea towel, and attach it your head (I actually cheat a bit here, rules are you should use masking tape, but I use glue!!!)

The winner is who lasts the longest. Or if your playing solo, usually just best records etc. My record is at 2 hours and 3 minutes!!!!!

SWEEET!

Intriguing!

I shall begin immediately and report back!

Wish me luck!

Mr. Remote Control · 27-02-2015 08:49PM

catallus wrote: »

Intriguing!

I shall begin immediately and report back!

Wish me luck!

Your life is just about to change - for ever!!

Good luck!

eviltwin · 27-02-2015 08:50PM

The priest doing my uncles funeral called him Patrick throughout the entire service despite the fact the man had never been called Patrick in his entire life. It was his first name but he was always known by his middle name since he was a small child.

Tokyo · 27-02-2015 08:53PM

I was raised to a large extent by my great aunt, who also raised my dad. Other than that she was a pretty innocuous country woman. Knew her all my life, and it was only during her funeral sermon that I learned that as a single woman, she had taken in children from London during the Blitz, fed, clothed and put a roof over their head while London was being bombed.

Learned more about her in that 15 minutes, than in the 24 years previous.

smash · 27-02-2015 09:07PM

Went to a funeral of a friend's father once and my friend basically gave a 10 minute speech about how much of an awful person his father was. It was kind of uncomfortable but at least he didn't lie.

The Strawman Argument · 27-02-2015 09:13PM

Just remembered my neighbour's one in 2011! Every single aspect of seemed to amount a big spiel about how great he was for being such a huge Fianna Fail-er, how great Fianna Fail are and how everyone else will remember their greatness once they're stuck with someone else for a while because Fianna Fail are great.

Knew hardly anything about the guy before that but I came out of it feeling a bit glad that he was dead.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 27-02-2015 09:17PM

smash wrote: »

Went to a funeral of a friend's father once and my friend basically gave a 10 minute speeche about how much of an awful person his father was. It was kind of uncomfortable but at least he didn't lie.

Fair play to him/her, the real truth should be made known to all who knew the person. Too often people get a pass in death.

corner of hells · 27-02-2015 09:22PM

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

Your life is just about to change - for ever!!

Good luck!

I was at Joe's funeral today , he had his own dust pan and a tea towel on his coffin , did you know him yourself ?

smash · 27-02-2015 09:27PM

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

What kind of depressingly brief summation of your life do you expect to be thrown about at your funeral and what kind of symbolic gifts would you expect to be brought up to the altar?

Imagine the amount of people who'll be buried with selfie sticks and other such bullshít in years to come.

Mr. Remote Control · 27-02-2015 09:33PM

corner of hells wrote: »

I was at Joe's funeral today , he had his own dust pan and a tea towel on his coffin , did you know him yourself ?

Ah I didn't. Unfortunately. But I heard many a great things about him. Old stories and such. I heard he was around in the 80's when TTDP got big. Or I should say, when TTDP experienced it's revival.

To Joe!

I hope your jumping up and down wherever you are!

Seth Brundle · 27-02-2015 09:36PM

Funerals?
uugh, hate them.
They're just so morbid!

conorh91 · 27-02-2015 09:41PM

Why shouldn't funeral gifts and sermons be ordinary?

Most people live very ordinary lives. When my Grandad died a big chunk of the funeral was stories about the bog and how much he liked watching sports after his stroke. I won't lie, I stifled a few yawns that day.

I think TV soaps have given some younger people totally unrealistic ideas about funerals. I've heard of some ridiculously OTT funerals, or funerals which are almost more-designed to upset than to celebrate. I was at a funeral once where the little kiddies were filed up to say goodbye to their Grandad... the younger kids hadn't a clue what was happening, but the crowd loved it. It's kinda sick.

Give me a quiet mass, a few sandwiches in the pub across the road, and let that be the end of it. I'd rather be remembered for anything worthwhile I did when I was alive, not for a soppy funeral.

somesoldiers · 27-02-2015 09:47PM

orestes wrote: »

Once the sandwiches are decent nothing else matters.

I'd die of shame if my funeral had sh!te sandwiches.

I'm having vol au vents at my funeral

ChunkyLover54 · 27-02-2015 09:48PM

eviltwin wrote: »

The priest doing my uncles funeral called him Patrick throughout the entire service despite the fact the man had never been called Patrick in his entire life. It was his first name but he was always known by his middle name since he was a small child.

I don't think the priest should be doing a biographical homily about the deceased unless he was a personal friend. A speech by a family member or a close friend is always much more moving.

mister gullible · 27-02-2015 09:57PM

At d'uncles funeral the priest waxed lyrical about what a man of the people the uncle was, how loved he was in the parish and what great community work he did. The uncle was, in fact, a reclusive snob.

somesoldiers · 27-02-2015 10:04PM

From QI wiki
In obituaries, there is a lot of code that is used to describe people who had character flaws. Some of these include "tireless raconteur", which means the person was crashing bore, "affable and hospital at every hour" or simply "convivial", describing a drunkard, "uncompromisingly direct lady's man", a serial groper, "gave colourful accounts of his exploits", a liar, "did not uphold the highest ethical standards of the city", a fraudster, and "did not suffer fools gladly", which describes someone who is intolerant.

Rubberlegs · 27-02-2015 10:05PM

My Dad didn't go to Mass at all, only at Easter and Christmas. It felt mildly awkward discussing with the priest what would be said about him at his funeral, as the priest didn't know him from Adam. He didn't have rosary beads wound round his hands, we sent him off clutching a big bar of Dairy Milk and a bunch of Lyons tea bags.

The Backwards Man · 27-02-2015 10:09PM

Good enough fella, but a bit of a cnut.

27-02-2015 10:53PM

A family member had a Humanist funeral and the celebrant took the time to talk to us all about the person, and made lots of notes about them, and at the service they were able to introduce various eulogisers in a natural way. We really appreciated it at the time. I think I'd like that kind of funeral, where family and friends remember the better bits of me and the stupid or nice things I might have done, when it's my turn to leave the party.

I'm sure tea would be mentioned a lot at my funeral too, and if I didn't want to be cremated then I think I'd probably be buried with a 180 box of Barrys, just for the trip.

smash · 27-02-2015 11:00PM

Candie wrote: »

I'm sure tea would be mentioned a lot at my funeral too, and if I didn't want to be cremated then I think I'd probably be buried with a 180 box of Barrys, just for the trip.

Or Lyons, if people didn't like you!

hatrickpatrick · 27-02-2015 11:07PM

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

Well obviously you need a tea towel and a dustpan (normal towel cut in half will do - if no tea towel is clean (the tea towel has to be clean)).

So it's best when two play it but you can play it solo and it's still pretty exhilarating.

So you grab the dustpan and wave it up and down (if dustpan is in your left hand, in a circular motion if in your right) while jumping up and down.

When your jumping up and down you have to shout "Tea towel! Tea Towel!!"

So you grab the tea towel, and attach it your head (I actually cheat a bit here, rules are you should use masking tape, but I use glue!!!)

The winner is who lasts the longest. Or if your playing solo, usually just best records etc. My record is at 2 hours and 3 minutes!!!!!

SWEEET!

Is it ok if you run madly around the kitchen table while playing? If I start acting the bollocks in any way, my ridiculously strong labrador takes offense, and she will then give chase until she's managed to put a stop to my antics.

Funeral sermons

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