Funeral sermons

The Strawman Argument

So I was at a funeral recently of a woman nearly 100 years old and her whole sermon amounted to "she was always making visitors tea"; all of those symbolic gifts they bring up at the start of the funeral were related to tea making too. A few months ago I was at another one that went on and on about how much the woman loved working as a nurse; she worked as a nurse for five years in the 70s before getting married and then retired to become a farmer's wife, never heard her speak of it with anything other than contempt. Every farmer's one I've been to has been about how much they loved the peacefulness of the land.

Are there any especially great or terrible ones you can recall? Is it even possible to do someone justice with one or are most lives just a bit crappy?
What kind of depressingly brief summation of your life do you expect to be thrown about at your funeral and what kind of symbolic gifts would you expect to be brought up to the altar?


I asked my family and the whole lot of them seemed to agree the sermon would be about how I liked solitude but was generous and helpful, and that a set of earphones, a tea towel and a dustpan encapsulated my life.

catallus

Why a dustpan?

Mr. Remote Control

COOOOOL IDEA!! I thought I was the only one who played Tea Towel Dustpan!! I play it everyday!! I literally thought I was the only one who played this game!!!!

SWEEEEET!!

catallus

How do you play?

_Whimsical_

My granny was a nurse and midwife before she married. After she married and no longer officially worked she would be called to houses in the area when a pregnant woman was unwell or giving birth because the people didn't have money for a doctor.
At her funeral the priest began the sermon by saying "M gave birth to 3/4 of the people in this church today, there's hardly a soul in the area that this woman didn't give birth to infact".
A slip of the tongue but one my granny would have laughed so much at that it seemed appropriate.:)

orestes

Once the sandwiches are decent nothing else matters.

I'd die of shame if my funeral had sh!te sandwiches.

Sheep Lover

orestes wrote: »

Once the sandwiches are decent nothing else matters.

I'd die of shame if my funeral had sh!te sandwiches.

Err...

Lollipops23

The priest at my Nana's funeral was actually pretty decent. She'd moved away from the parish 10 years before (when my Grandad died), so she'd never even known the priest.

He went around several of the neighbours still living the area from my Nana's era and gathered lots of info about her and my Grandad- for instance, Grandad was really into horticulture and won awards for it over the years. He wrote the eulogy with all this in mind, and it really meant a huge amount to my family.

My step granddad passed away last year, but he didn't want a church funeral. Instead his family (I wasn't there, I live abroad) made it all about him and his life and played the theme from The Magnificent Seven at the start (maaaasive fan of old Westerns).

Mr. Remote Control

catallus wrote: »

How do you play?

Well obviously you need a tea towel and a dustpan (normal towel cut in half will do - if no tea towel is clean (the tea towel has to be clean)).

So it's best when two play it but you can play it solo and it's still pretty exhilarating.

So you grab the dustpan and wave it up and down (if dustpan is in your left hand, in a circular motion if in your right) while jumping up and down.

When your jumping up and down you have to shout "Tea towel! Tea Towel!!"

So you grab the tea towel, and attach it your head (I actually cheat a bit here, rules are you should use masking tape, but I use glue!!!)

The winner is who lasts the longest. Or if your playing solo, usually just best records etc. My record is at 2 hours and 3 minutes!!!!!

SWEEET!

kneemos

As long as they get the name right,everything else is blowing smoke.

catallus

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

Well obviously you need a tea towel and a dustpan (normal towel cut in half will do - if no tea towel is clean (the tea towel has to be clean)).

So it's best when two play it but you can play it solo and it's still pretty exhilarating.

So you grab the dustpan and wave it up and down (if dustpan is in your left hand, in a circular motion if in your right) while jumping up and down.

When your jumping up and down you have to shout "Tea towel! Tea Towel!!"

So you grab the tea towel, and attach it your head (I actually cheat a bit here, rules are you should use masking tape, but I use glue!!!)

The winner is who lasts the longest. Or if your playing solo, usually just best records etc. My record is at 2 hours and 3 minutes!!!!!

SWEEET!

Intriguing!

I shall begin immediately and report back!

Wish me luck!

Mr. Remote Control

catallus wrote: »

Intriguing!

I shall begin immediately and report back!

Wish me luck!

Your life is just about to change - for ever!!

Good luck!

eviltwin

The priest doing my uncles funeral called him Patrick throughout the entire service despite the fact the man had never been called Patrick in his entire life. It was his first name but he was always known by his middle name since he was a small child.

Tokyo

I was raised to a large extent by my great aunt, who also raised my dad. Other than that she was a pretty innocuous country woman. Knew her all my life, and it was only during her funeral sermon that I learned that as a single woman, she had taken in children from London during the Blitz, fed, clothed and put a roof over their head while London was being bombed.

Learned more about her in that 15 minutes, than in the 24 years previous.

smash

Went to a funeral of a friend's father once and my friend basically gave a 10 minute speech about how much of an awful person his father was. It was kind of uncomfortable but at least he didn't lie.

The Strawman Argument

Just remembered my neighbour's one in 2011! Every single aspect of seemed to amount a big spiel about how great he was for being such a huge Fianna Fail-er, how great Fianna Fail are and how everyone else will remember their greatness once they're stuck with someone else for a while because Fianna Fail are great.

Knew hardly anything about the guy before that but I came out of it feeling a bit glad that he was dead.

DEFTLEFTHAND

smash wrote: »

Went to a funeral of a friend's father once and my friend basically gave a 10 minute speeche about how much of an awful person his father was. It was kind of uncomfortable but at least he didn't lie.

Fair play to him/her, the real truth should be made known to all who knew the person. Too often people get a pass in death.

corner of hells

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

Your life is just about to change - for ever!!

Good luck!

I was at Joe's funeral today , he had his own dust pan and a tea towel on his coffin , did you know him yourself ?

smash

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

What kind of depressingly brief summation of your life do you expect to be thrown about at your funeral and what kind of symbolic gifts would you expect to be brought up to the altar?

Imagine the amount of people who'll be buried with selfie sticks and other such bullshít in years to come.

Mr. Remote Control

corner of hells wrote: »

I was at Joe's funeral today , he had his own dust pan and a tea towel on his coffin , did you know him yourself ?

Ah I didn't. Unfortunately. But I heard many a great things about him. Old stories and such. I heard he was around in the 80's when TTDP got big. Or I should say, when TTDP experienced it's revival.

To Joe!

I hope your jumping up and down wherever you are!

Seth Brundle

Funerals?
uugh, hate them.
They're just so morbid!

conorh91

Why shouldn't funeral gifts and sermons be ordinary?

Most people live very ordinary lives. When my Grandad died a big chunk of the funeral was stories about the bog and how much he liked watching sports after his stroke. I won't lie, I stifled a few yawns that day.

I think TV soaps have given some younger people totally unrealistic ideas about funerals. I've heard of some ridiculously OTT funerals, or funerals which are almost more-designed to upset than to celebrate. I was at a funeral once where the little kiddies were filed up to say goodbye to their Grandad... the younger kids hadn't a clue what was happening, but the crowd loved it. It's kinda sick.

Give me a quiet mass, a few sandwiches in the pub across the road, and let that be the end of it. I'd rather be remembered for anything worthwhile I did when I was alive, not for a soppy funeral.

somesoldiers

orestes wrote: »

Once the sandwiches are decent nothing else matters.

I'd die of shame if my funeral had sh!te sandwiches.

I'm having vol au vents at my funeral

ChunkyLover54

eviltwin wrote: »

The priest doing my uncles funeral called him Patrick throughout the entire service despite the fact the man had never been called Patrick in his entire life. It was his first name but he was always known by his middle name since he was a small child.

I don't think the priest should be doing a biographical homily about the deceased unless he was a personal friend. A speech by a family member or a close friend is always much more moving.

mister gullible

At d'uncles funeral the priest waxed lyrical about what a man of the people the uncle was, how loved he was in the parish and what great community work he did. The uncle was, in fact, a reclusive snob.

somesoldiers

From QI wiki
In obituaries, there is a lot of code that is used to describe people who had character flaws. Some of these include "tireless raconteur", which means the person was crashing bore, "affable and hospital at every hour" or simply "convivial", describing a drunkard, "uncompromisingly direct lady's man", a serial groper, "gave colourful accounts of his exploits", a liar, "did not uphold the highest ethical standards of the city", a fraudster, and "did not suffer fools gladly", which describes someone who is intolerant.

Rubberlegs

My Dad didn't go to Mass at all, only at Easter and Christmas. It felt mildly awkward discussing with the priest what would be said about him at his funeral, as the priest didn't know him from Adam. He didn't have rosary beads wound round his hands, we sent him off clutching a big bar of Dairy Milk and a bunch of Lyons tea bags.

The Backwards Man

Good enough fella, but a bit of a cnut.

A family member had a Humanist funeral and the celebrant took the time to talk to us all about the person, and made lots of notes about them, and at the service they were able to introduce various eulogisers in a natural way. We really appreciated it at the time. I think I'd like that kind of funeral, where family and friends remember the better bits of me and the stupid or nice things I might have done, when it's my turn to leave the party.

I'm sure tea would be mentioned a lot at my funeral too, and if I didn't want to be cremated then I think I'd probably be buried with a 180 box of Barrys, just for the trip.

smash

Candie wrote: »

I'm sure tea would be mentioned a lot at my funeral too, and if I didn't want to be cremated then I think I'd probably be buried with a 180 box of Barrys, just for the trip.

Or Lyons, if people didn't like you!

hatrickpatrick

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

Well obviously you need a tea towel and a dustpan (normal towel cut in half will do - if no tea towel is clean (the tea towel has to be clean)).

So it's best when two play it but you can play it solo and it's still pretty exhilarating.

So you grab the dustpan and wave it up and down (if dustpan is in your left hand, in a circular motion if in your right) while jumping up and down.

When your jumping up and down you have to shout "Tea towel! Tea Towel!!"

So you grab the tea towel, and attach it your head (I actually cheat a bit here, rules are you should use masking tape, but I use glue!!!)

The winner is who lasts the longest. Or if your playing solo, usually just best records etc. My record is at 2 hours and 3 minutes!!!!!

SWEEET!

Is it ok if you run madly around the kitchen table while playing? If I start acting the bollocks in any way, my ridiculously strong labrador takes offense, and she will then give chase until she's managed to put a stop to my antics.

Pwindedd

You could sermonise about my mother for days. She is literally a saint with a million and one good deeds under her belt, a nursing career and many hobbies, interests and community projects.

Mine will probably be if I was being brutally honest - "she was a gin-soaked mess who did everything half-assed"

FunLover18

Ugh, I hate sermons. They're boring by definition.

keanosbeard

Ah, the service should be respectful.

There is plenty of time to stand in corners in the pub afterwards and call then a cnut.

Especially if there was no money put behind the bar.

conorh91

keanosbeard wrote: »

Especially if there was no money put behind the bar.

How much would you need to put behind the bar for a well-attended afters?

Not planning anyone's funeral or anything, just morbid/frugal curiosity. I'd say it costs a fair whack. Funerals ain't cheap.

beks101

I always found funerals very formal, uncomfortable and kind of de-humanizing to the person they're in honour of. It's hard to focus on anything other than that person's death, they're dead now, look at them dead in the box there, that'll be in the ground soon you know...Lord Graciously Hear Us and all that bollix.

I went to a funeral of a good friend last year and by far the most comforting and soothing and therapeutic part of the whole experience was when all of his family and friends met down the pub later that day and just pure shyte talked about him. "P would fcuking slaughter us all if he knew we were drinking wine after his funeral...let's all have some wine!" "Remember that time P got stuck inside that public toilet and we had to call the fire brigade to get him out." "He could dance like a motherfcuker too, has anyone seen that video of him dancing with that kid at A's wedding, hold on I think I have it here.."

It was just pure laughter and raw tears and weeping with grief and bloody brilliant, hilarious memories and I don't think I've ever seen that kind of thing captured in your run-of-the-mill church funeral, which is either a bit grim and formulaic or injected with a faux 'cheer' that doesn't vaguely represent who that person actually was.

Lucyfur

When my mother in law passed away, in her coffin there was her, a cat teddy (cos she loved cats), a tin mug (cos awesome tea), and her mobile phone, which also acted as an alarm that contacted us if she fell. We spent many hours/days/weeks/moons teaching her to use the mobile phone and we were always under the impression that she didn't fully ''get'' it but she loved it all the same.

Her motto in life was ''leave me alone til 11''

Day of funeral came. Very sad affair with all of us absolutely gutted. A real genuine woman, no bulls1t, properly liked. Funeral was at 10.30.

11am came and an alarm went off.....turns out she did know how to use the phone after all Gave a much needed smile in a grim day

Lucyfur

Lucyfur wrote: »

When my mother in law passed away, in her coffin there was her, a cat teddy (cos she loved cats), a tin mug (cos awesome tea), and her mobile phone, which also acted as an alarm that contacted us if she fell. We spent many hours/days/weeks/moons teaching her to use the mobile phone and we were always under the impression that she didn't fully ''get'' it but she loved it all the same.

Her motto in life was ''leave me alone til 11''

Day of funeral came. Very sad affair with all of us absolutely gutted. A real genuine woman, no bulls1t, properly liked. Funeral was at 10.30.

11am came and an alarm went off.....turns out she did know how to use the phone after all Gave a much needed smile in a grim day

A lovely parting salute Lucyfur.

When I die, I want a 10min eulogy about how I was always looking at my phone and no one had a flicking clue as to what I was doing on it but sure it must have given great pleasure.
I want everyone at my funeral to keep checking their Facebook etc updates and boards throughout the funeral.
I want my phone in my coffin and everyone to keep ringing it during the service.

Mr. Remote Control

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Is it ok if you run madly around the kitchen table while playing? If I start acting the bollocks in any way, my ridiculously strong labrador takes offense, and she will then give chase until she's managed to put a stop to my antics.

Hmmmm.

Hmmm.

I like it! Hmmmmm. Of course!!! This is it! I think this is what Tea Towel-Dust Pan has been missing! So to answer your question; YESS! Yes go for it! This sounds immense!!!!

Round-the-table-dust-pan-towel!

Oh no! What have you unleashed!

catallus

This TeatowelDustpan thing is taking over my life. I played all day today and I was winning most of the time, but now I broke my teatowel

But I'm going to go to the shop tomorrow and I'll buy a bigger better teatowel! I'm gonna be rich!!!

corner of hells

Sure I've been awake the last 48 hours running dust pan , teatowel scenarios through my mind.

mikemac1

Ive seen people putting pics of the bride & groom at the alter while the ceremony is still going on!

Please tell me the good people of Ireland arent taking funeral pics before and after the ceremony and commenting about attendance