Pressures around Church weddings

Ms2011 · 11-02-2015 12:11PM

We had our Civil Ceremony in the hotel we were having our reception in. I stayed at the hotel the night before with my bridesmaid & flower girl, we had a girlie evening of beauty treatments & dinner ( all on the hotel grounds ).
The next morning had a lie in before going down for brekkie & the hairdressers & make up artist coming up to our room & getting ready. Then walked downstairs to the ceremony room ( which the hotel had decorated beatifully ) & got married.
No rushing, no getting flustered worrying about the weather, no travel expense to get from the church to the venue, everything was just so chilled & relaxed.
We'd 35 people at the ceremony, a big church would have looked empty with that amount of people. The ceremony didn't start until 3;30 & lasted about 20 mins so guests weren't subjected to an early start & long ceremony plus we got to tailor the ceremony completely to our taste so it was really personal to us.
I really loved our day & I'm so glad we did it that way, give me a Civil Ceremony over a church wedding anyday.

Caliden · 11-02-2015 12:12PM

Been to 2 humanist weddings and they were both more enjoyable than church weddings. Ceremony and reception at the same venue and without all the 'chanting' of a church wedding.

The ceremony at both the humanist weddings was more laid back and the readings weren't just prayers, they were mini-speeches written by those reading them which meant so much more.

lazygal · 11-02-2015 12:12PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

You sound very angry, but perhaps your wedding day is not the right time to be shovelling your beliefs down the throats of your family and friends.

Exactly. Making everyone sit through a religious service wouldn't be appropriate as it would indeed involve shoving religious beliefs down the throats of family and friends.

Caliden · 11-02-2015 12:14PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

You sound very angry, but perhaps your wedding day is not the right time to be shovelling your beliefs down the throats of your family and friends.

You're not going to spend the rest of your life living with your family and friends so why should their beliefs trump all on your wedding day?

You come across as a very selfless person which is a good trait at times but if you were selfless 100% of the time, you'd be a very unhappy person as you would be accommodating everyone all the time.

kylith · 11-02-2015 12:14PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

You sound very angry, but perhaps your wedding day is not the right time to be shovelling your beliefs down the throats of your family and friends.

But it is for the time for them to be shoving their beliefs down my throat?

The point is moot in my case anyway; my parents, though religious, accept that I am not and would not only not attempt to strong-arm me into a religious service but would actively back me up if any in-laws attempted to.

walkingshadow · 11-02-2015 12:14PM

I guess that whether or not someone is religious or not, visually churches are still pretty attractive buildings and locations for a couple to get married, take photos etc.

jaja321 · 11-02-2015 12:16PM

walkingshadow wrote: »

I guess that whether or not someone is religious or not, visually churches are still pretty attractive buildings and locations for a couple to get married, take photos etc.

Its not a good enough reason to get married in one though. And nowadays there are some amazing places to have civil/humanist ceremonies.

rainbow kirby · 11-02-2015 12:16PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

You sound very angry, but perhaps your wedding day is not the right time to be shovelling your beliefs down the throats of your family and friends.

In case you hadn't noticed, it's the couple's day before it's anything else. They are the ones making a lifelong commitment to each other. Why should they have to compromise, lie about or deny their own beliefs just to keep someone else happy? Nobody is forcing anyone to attend the wedding if they don't like the format the ceremony is taking.

strobe · 11-02-2015 12:19PM

Hoop66 wrote: »

We got married in the Unitarian Church on Stephen's's's Green.

Neither of us are religious, but it's a beautiful building and they didn't make a big deal about god in the ceremony.

Unitarians are a gas bunch of lads. It's almost like they're embarrassed to be Christians.

11-02-2015 12:26PM

kylith wrote: »

I wouldn't consider it minor or trivial, but that's because I believe that the RCC is one of the most despicable and evil organisations of our time and I'll be bolloxed if I'll give them a red cent, and that gods are makey-uppy fairy stories and I may as well have a service dedicated to Kahless or Pinky-Pie as to any god. And anyone trying to get me into a church wedding would be stamping on my beliefs.

What if your wife to be was a practicing catholic and really wanted to get married in the church?

nm wrote: »

It seems too obvious to point out what the real problem is here and it's not you.

I'm only giving reason why some people get married in a church even if one or both of the couple don't want to.

This is nothing to do with me at all as I would plan very much on getting married in a church myself, then again I go to mass every week too so its not in kind of sham or pretend in my case.

Caliden wrote: »

You're not going to spend the rest of your life living with your family and friends so why should their beliefs trump all on your wedding day?
.

Some people live right next door to your parents, would you want to badly fall out with them over something like this?

MrWalsh · 11-02-2015 12:28PM

I had a civil ceremony, abroad, told no one at home until afterwards.

We'd never have had a religious marriage anyway as we are both atheist. Couldn't care less what other people's thoughts on that were.

Funnily enough his brother got married in a hurry because the missus was pregnant and her family were making rumblings about the shame of being an unmarried mother but because she didn't want to "ruin" the fairy tale day with a big bump in the dress they opted for registry office and said they'd do the church part the next year. That was over a decade ago, she's still bitter that she didn't get her "big" day, her family are still bitter that there's been no religious blessing - so no one really got what they wanted.

Generally speaking these days I don't go to the church part when invited to a Catholic wedding as I don't like to be associated with an organisation that has aided and abetted in long term human rights abuses and paedophila. No one ever notices, they just assume I was sitting elsewhere for the church bit.

kylith · 11-02-2015 12:33PM

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

What if your wife to be was a practicing catholic and really wanted to get married in the church?

Given my stated opinion about religion the chances of me marrying a practicing member of any religion would be so remote as to be laughable.

Hypothetically though I still would not walk up an aisle and lie through my teeth about what I believe in front of my friends and family: I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror knowing that I'd made an utter hypocrite of myself. Possibly some kind of compromise could be made regarding having a blessing after a civil service. But honestly I'd rather not get married at all.

Shenshen · 11-02-2015 12:36PM

We had a civil ceremony, at the same hotel where we then had the reception.

Neither of us would be religious, but my mother did make some attempt at talking me into a church wedding - "for my grandparents' sake". Living at a certain distance from your immediate family just has so many advantages, my grandparents were not travelling anyway, so it wouldn't make the least bit of difference as they wouldn't be there.

It was the most relaxed and lovely ceremony, short and beautiful, with our closest friends and family there with us. I wouldn't ever have wanted it any other way

Caliden · 11-02-2015 12:36PM

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Some people live right next door to your parents, would you want to badly fall out with them over something like this?

If they're actually practicing Catholics then they would understand. No good parent should hold a grudge against their child for their beliefs.

Dog of Tears · 11-02-2015 12:39PM

kylith wrote: »

Given my stated opinion about religion the chances of me marrying a practicing member of any religion would be so remote as to be laughable. .

Really?
Even if she was the girl of your dreams?
Smart, funny, witty, beautiful, great in bed, fantastic cook, great taste in music and film, similar moral outlook on life.
But she goes to mass a few times a year, - so nope, not for you?

kylith wrote: »

Hypothetically though I still would not walk up an aisle and lie through my teeth about what I believe in front of my friends and family: I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror knowing that I'd made an utter hypocrite of myself.

I assure you, it's remarkably easy.

11-02-2015 12:40PM

Caliden wrote: »

If they're actually practicing Catholics then they would understand. No good parent should hold a grudge against their child for their beliefs.

I'm not actually saying parents should interfere btw, my own parents wouldn't (though as I said its not an issue anyway for me). However if my parents were the type to want to have a say I'd be very much inclined to keep everyone happy, I don't really see the big deal anyway even for non-religious people having a church ceremony. Isn't it much nicer to have it in a big church than some office or a room in a hotel.

MrWalsh · 11-02-2015 12:43PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Really?
Even if she was the girl of your dreams?
Smart, funny, witty, beautiful, great in bed, fantastic cook, great taste in music and film, similar moral outlook on life.
But she goes to mass a few times a year, - so nope, not for you

Have to agree with Kylith on this, how would the person be the person of your dreams with such a fundamental difference in mindset?

It'd be like asking me to respect an adult belief in Santa Claus, I simply wouldn't be able to see past it. While I'm happy for any adult I'm not married to, to believe in Santa Claus, I couldn't possibly share my life and inner feelings with someone who did.

ZiabR · 11-02-2015 12:45PM

Have to say I am really surprised with the number of people who had a civil ceremony. When I started the thread I thought it would be very mixed but almost 3/4 of people have gone with the civil ceremony. I wish that we could have gone with a small ceremony for our wedding this year but I wanted everyone coming to the wedding to have a good time and enjoy the celebration. In some ways it does not feel like it is my wedding day, because I am not putting myself first.

Ush1 · 11-02-2015 12:46PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

Have to agree with Kylith on this, how would the person be the person of your dreams with such a fundamental difference in mindset?

It'd be like asking me to respect an adult belief in Santa Claus, I simply wouldn't be able to see past it. While I'm happy for any adult I'm not married to, to believe in Santa Claus, I couldn't possibly share my life and inner feelings with someone who did.

If someone actually drew their morality from the bible, they would be psychotic.

Caliden · 11-02-2015 12:48PM

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

I'm not actually saying parents should interfere btw, my own parents wouldn't (though as I said its not an issue anyway for me). However if my parents were the type to want to have a say I'd be very much inclined to keep everyone happy, I don't really see the big deal anyway even for non-religious people having a church ceremony. Isn't it much nicer to have it in a big church than some office or a room in a hotel.

Wouldn't be for me. I don't think I would enjoy myself if I knew deep down that I had compromised just to please people that I would (realistically) see on average once a week.

Maybe I'm just being selfish but just from past experiences if you try to accommodate everyone you end up miserable.

Dog of Tears · 11-02-2015 12:49PM

MrWalsh wrote: »

Have to agree with Kylith on this, how would the person be the person of your dreams with such a fundamental difference in mindset?

Because it's a complete non-issue.

Unless of course you're a militant atheist who makes it into an issue.

Shenshen · 11-02-2015 12:50PM

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

I'm not actually saying parents should interfere btw, my own parents wouldn't (though as I said its not an issue anyway for me). However if my parents were the type to want to have a say I'd be very much inclined to keep everyone happy, I don't really see the big deal anyway even for non-religious people having a church ceremony. Isn't it much nicer to have it in a big church than some office or a room in a hotel.

I can't say I would have preferred a grey, empty, drafty church to the beautiful, warm, sun-filled room looking out over the Atlantic where we actually got married.

Shenshen · 11-02-2015 12:51PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Because it's a complete non-issue.

Unless of course you're a militant atheist who makes it into an issue.

If it's a non-issue, why would your potential dream partner be so adamant about it in the first place?

Caliden · 11-02-2015 12:51PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Because it's a complete non-issue.

Unless of course you're a militant atheist who makes it into an issue.

Completely not a non-issue.

Sorry if that offends your religious beliefs.

Grayson · 11-02-2015 12:52PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Because it's a complete non-issue.

Unless of course you're a militant atheist who makes it into an issue.

Would you call any Christian who wants to get married in a church a militant Christian? Or the same for a Muslim who wanted an Islamic wedding? Would they be followers of a militant strain of Islam.

Frigga_92 · 11-02-2015 12:57PM

We had a civil ceremony and the only people who had any say in the planning of our wedding was my husband and I. Nobody else's beliefs or preferences should be taken into account, it's your day, let them do what they want on their day.
I found the people who had an issue with our wedding were the people who allowed too many outside influences affect their decision making for their own wedding and they then wanted to do the same to someone else.

At the end of the day, once you're married people will just be happy for you and there won't be a mention of "I still think you should've done x/y/z" and if there is, they're just true assholes.

kylith · 11-02-2015 12:59PM

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Really?
Even if she was the girl of your dreams?
Smart, funny, witty, beautiful, great in bed, fantastic cook, great taste in music and film, similar moral outlook on life.
But she goes to mass a few times a year, - so nope, not for you?

Well, I am a girl, so let's flip the genders there.

I would be highly unlikely to marry a practicing member of any religion because of my views on gods as stated upthread. For me it would be, as MrWalsh said, like marrying someone who believed in Santa.

Let's say that the practicing Catholic you describe fell in love with a Hindu or a Jew. They would have to get married in a civil service as the RCC wouldn't marry two people of differing religions and even if they would a Hindu is unlikely to agree to a Catholic wedding and a Catholic is unlikely to agree to a Hindu wedding. So why would marrying an atheist be different to that?

Why are the non-religious expected to suck it up and have a religious ceremony when a person of a differing religion wouldn't? Why do people think that where we get married is of no importance to us?

Dog of Tears wrote: »

I assure you, it's remarkably easy.

Really? I'm surprised that an apparently religious person would have such little problem breaking one of the 10 commandments.

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

I'm not actually saying parents should interfere btw, my own parents wouldn't (though as I said its not an issue anyway for me). However if my parents were the type to want to have a say I'd be very much inclined to keep everyone happy, I don't really see the big deal anyway even for non-religious people having a church ceremony. Isn't it much nicer to have it in a big church than some office or a room in a hotel.

No. It isn't. And even if aesthetics were the issue there are plenty of beautiful places that one can get married which are not religious in nature. Would you get married in a mosque by an imam just because it's pretty there?

PhoenixParker · 11-02-2015 01:04PM

We're having a civil ceremony on a Friday but if you want to get married on a Saturday your choices are basically church or humanist.
If we were going for a Saturday ceremony I'd have been half tempted to choose the church. I might be an atheist but at least I and my wider family have some connection to Catholicism which is a lot more than can be said for humanism.

The sooner any individual can become a marriage celebrant in this country the better.

11-02-2015 01:08PM

Imagine if all the christians were pressured into marrying in a mosque just because
People have their own preferences and it's up to them

It'd be civil for me anyway

11-02-2015 01:09PM

logik wrote: »

Have to say I am really surprised with the number of people who had a civil ceremony. When I started the thread I thought it would be very mixed but almost 3/4 of people have gone with the civil ceremony. I wish that we could have gone with a small ceremony for our wedding this year but I wanted everyone coming to the wedding to have a good time and enjoy the celebration. In some ways it does not feel like it is my wedding day, because I am not putting myself first.

I'd imagine like many topics the figures in AH would probably be the exact opposite to what you would find in general across the country, particularly outside of Dublin as Dublin would have a high number of people from abroad also.

As I said I'm 30 and this year I will attend my first ever civil ceremony (and I've been to many weddings). As a snap shot from the start of 2014 to early 2016 I will have attend 10 weddings (that's as it stands always the possibly of more invites) and only 1 of the 10 will not be in a church. All the people getting married are in the late 20's to early 30's age bracket.

Pressures around Church weddings

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