Husband deleted all texts and calls to and from a female work colleague

aceholder · 02-02-2015 09:42PM #1

Hi all hope someone can give me some advice on what's happening in my marriage. We are married 20 years and have 2 grown up children who dont live with us, My husband started working on the evening shift about 3 years ago and one of the team he worked closely with was a single woman who is about 15 years younger than him. She was mentioned often during the past few years along with other work colleagues when we would be chatting about his day, last year I started getting a bit suspicious as I found a text from her on my husbands phone when she knew he was at home in bed, he didnt reply but she rang him about 10 minutes later and they chatted for about 15 minutes, I found this not cause I was snooping on him I was actually looking for the phone number of a mutual friend with a similar same that I had lost when I got a new phone. I said to my husband at the time it seemed unfair to be ringing you at 9am when you only got home from work at 2.30am to which he replied that it was fine this once.

Months later I was emptying out a drawer in the kitchen and I found a few mobile phone bills and went through them as I keep mine for tax purposes but no need to keep the husbands bills as his are for private use only, it was then as I was going through them I found dozens of calls and to this woman, during and outside work hours, there were so many the number jumped up from the page, I tried not to jump to conclusions but the Christmas Party was on the following night that he was going to (spouses are not invited) and the day after the party he was telling me all about it and this woman seemed to be with him the entire night, constantly mentioning her and what they were doing, he said he slept in a twin room with a male colleague.

At this time I had a look at his phone and there were 2 texts from this woman and one to her every other call and text were gone, still I said nothing...

Its now 8 weeks later and I cleaned out the glove compartment of my car and found 3 more phone bills and there are dozens of calls to this woman again,

Last Wednesday he came home from work over 2 hours late and stinking of perfume and I then needed answers and calmly asked him to explain all this when he came in from work and he admitted that he deleted all her call and texts and also the calls and texts he makes to her as he knows I wouldnt like it as she gets a bit intense (his words) in her texts, she texts and calls him when he is late for their coffee break, dinner break and even cigarette breaks which he admits he spends all of them with her,

He swears there was no sex involved, he says he only deleted all these calls as he realised their content might be misinterpreted by me but admits he did get a bit too close to her but she is now "getting in his face" and is finding it hard to get out of it. I cant help but think he was in a full blown affair as these calls went on for 10 months and when he lost his phone and was without one she used his work phone and pager to continue to contact him. Please help and let me know what your opinion is as I am way too close to this to see the wood for the trees but my gut feeling is horror and dread

Shrap · 02-02-2015 10:16PM

aceholder wrote: »

Please help and let me know what your opinion is as I am way too close to this to see the wood for the trees but my gut feeling is horror and dread

I'm sorry girl, but I would think your gut is right

Hard to know how you'd find out if he's telling definitely lying to you though. You're properly between a rock and a hard place, you poor thing.

If he's telling the truth and has deleted all these calls because he knew you might be coming to unwelcome conclusions about them - that means he's been thinking for 10 months that you'd be checking his phone if you ever had a suspicion. Seems an odd thing to do, rather than just tell you this woman wouldn't leave him alone. So tbh, it seems not to be the truth, but you get to be the one who winds up looking like a bunny boiler if you accept this "truth" and it niggles away at you and contaminates your relationship. If he IS actually telling the truth, you'd better communicate to him that you're going to find this very hard to live with.

If he is lying and denying everything then I'm really very sorry for you.....and I don't know how you'd find out without getting really sneaky. I do think (as an outsider) that the way he's handled this so-called nuisance caller the last 10 months would definitely warrant some investigation though.

You must be gut wrenched over this alright, but he might be telling the truth? Can you talk to a friend, or even better, a friend who works with him?

Neyite · 02-02-2015 10:24PM

Could you call his bluff and ask him some night to give his phone to you there and the as you've found a way to recover deleted texts? (You might actually be able to do that depending on the model of phone if you google) and dont let him postpone you doing it. Surely he'd give his permission to look at his phone to clear up the misunderstanding?

His reaction should tell you a lot. Just remain silent and let him babble to fill it and see what comes out.

Its irrelevant if he has had a physical affair if you feel there is sufficient grounds for trust to be broken. If the roles were reversed, how would he feel about you having an intense friendship with another man? Are his colleagues not totally suspicious if its as he claims, just a friendship with them constantly together?

I don't know whether he is cheating or not, but I can say I think that that volume of calls behind your partners back does not paint him in any good light.

Purple Mountain · 02-02-2015 10:30PM

Is there anybody else in his work enviornment that you know and trust to ask discretely what goes on there?

Saralee4 · 02-02-2015 11:06PM

If it wasn't physical, he has definitely admitted to an emotional affair. He said that they got close, she's intense, they spend any time in work they can together, alot of communication on phone outside of work which he has deleted because basically he knew it looked dodgy.

I'm sorry to say but I think you know yourself. Whatever has been going on, it's been inappropriate for a work relationship and for a husband.

aceholder · 02-02-2015 11:10PM

Thanks Shrap I have spoken to a friend and he cant believe he would be unfaithful as we have been thought a lot together over the years but as he admitted deleting the calls and texts I have a niggling feeling it was more especially as his first reaction was anger and complete denial

aceholder · 02-02-2015 11:12PM

No Purple Mountain, he works about 30km away and I am never in there, big multinational company would need security clearance to get in the door and as they dont have spouses at company events I never got to meet any of his colleagues

aceholder · 02-02-2015 11:14PM

Good idea Neyite, great minds and all that, I already have a SIM card reader and the only deleted texts were from vodaphone, seems all his texts are saved to the phone and not the SIM

aceholder · 02-02-2015 11:21PM

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

Shrap · 02-02-2015 11:27PM

aceholder wrote: »

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

This brings us back to my big question. What's the purpose of deleting texts for 10 months if there was nothing to be suspicious about? Does he always see you as somebody who checks up on him constantly? He's making out like he was protecting you from yourself (would get the wrong idea/get volatile) but was essentially deleting texts for months and months in case he got caught. Not the way around he has made it out at all.

aceholder · 02-02-2015 11:27PM

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

Saralee4 · 02-02-2015 11:34PM

aceholder wrote: »

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

saying that he is trying to protect you, not hurt you, then prevent you from becoming volitale was him projecting and diverting the situation away from himself. Protecting you from being hurt and getting mad at the truth of what he has done?

Twenty years is a long time to be together and there are going to be temptation s along the way so I don't think it has to be the end for you two. But he really has to own up and take responsibility for this and you two need to discuss together whether you both want to save the relationship or not.

He can't have his cake and eat it though.

strandroad · 02-02-2015 11:35PM

He was deleting them to mislead you for nearly a year when he was "too close" to her, and now he deflects it by putting the blame on you? It's a major breach of trust whether he was cheating physically or not. But he was certainly invested emotionally to behave this way. I wonder what would her version be like - to have so much time/contact with her he must have spun her a good tale. Empty marriage or psycho wife are classics in such circumstances.

aceholder · 02-02-2015 11:40PM

Shrap wrote: »

This brings us back to my big question. What's the purpose of deleting texts for 10 months if there was nothing to be suspicious about? Does he always see you as somebody who checks up on him constantly? He's making out like he was protecting you from yourself (would get the wrong idea/get volatile) but was essentially deleting texts for months and months in case he got caught. Not the way around he has made it out at all.

exactly Shrap thats what I said to him, he is the type of person that if he doesnt like something he simply wont do it, so if he didnt like the tone of her texts why didnt he just tell her to stop, I accused him of wanting the relationship to continue with her be it an emotional one or sexual one and deleted any suggestive or incriminating texts.

I didnt mention in my first post that an incident happened over ten years ago where a mutual female friend of ours made a pass at him, (while fairly drunk I must add) he told me he brushed her off and nothing ever happened but he only told me about 4-5 years ago. at that time we agreed if there was ever any messing or we get ourselves into a position like that again that it is brought to the others attention IMMEDIATELY then we can laugh about it together, when I reminded him about that he just said that he thought he was dealing with it but it was a mistake

aceholder · 02-02-2015 11:48PM

mhge wrote: »

He was deleting them to mislead you for nearly a year when he was "too close" to her, and now he deflects it by putting the blame on you? It's a major breach of trust whether he was cheating physically or not. But he was certainly invested emotionally to behave this way. I wonder what would her version be like - to have so much time/contact with her he must have spun her a good tale. Empty marriage or psycho wife are classics in such circumstances.

I would love to see what she has to say but dont actually believe she is responsible to me, HE is and he is the one who deceived and broken my trust, she might be of loose morals with no respect for her "friends" marriage but then again I wont get nasty by casting aspirations on her character as much as I would like to!

ceadaoin. · 03-02-2015 12:09AM

aceholder wrote: »

I would love to see what she has to say but dont actually believe she is responsible to me, HE is and he is the one who deceived and broken my trust, she might be of loose morals with no respect for her "friends" marriage but then again I wont get nasty by casting aspirations on her character as much as I would like to!

You're right, this is all on him. The thing is, you don't know what lines he has been feeding her about your marriage. He could have been telling her the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me/we're like roommates/she is crazy' bullsh!t. Can you be sure she knows he is married given that you've never met any of his colleague?

It must be horrible for you to be going through this OP. Even if it is 'just' and emotional affair, they are pretty invested in each other given that they spend all their free time at work together and text and call constantly when they aren't together. They must be the talk of the office.

Has he said what he intends to do about this friendship? Is he still meeting up with her? I would be suspicious if all texts and calls suddenly stopped and would presume he had just got a second phone to contact her.

aceholder · 03-02-2015 12:23AM

ceadaoin. wrote: »

You're right, this is all on him. The thing is, you don't know what lines he has been feeding her about your marriage. He could have been telling her the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me/we're like roommates/she is crazy' bullsh!t. Can you be sure she knows he is married given that you've never met any of his colleague?

It must be horrible for you to be going through this OP. Even if it is 'just' and emotional affair, they are pretty invested in each other given that they spend all their free time at work together and text and call constantly when they aren't together. They must be the talk of the office.

Has he said what he intends to do about this friendship? Is he still meeting up with her? I would be suspicious if all texts and calls suddenly stopped and would presume he had just got a second phone to contact her.

He tells me now that she is in a different department with different break times so rarely sees her now, regarding what lines he was feeding her about me, back last year when she texted and rang him when she knew he would be in bed I sent her a brief message asking her not to contact my husband when he was at home with his family, that night when he came home he said she was surprised by my message and also said 2 things which raised a red flag with me, one was "does she feel threatened by me and the other really annoyed me, she said to him "she must really love you" I replied to him what the HELL does she mean by that, I am your wife, of course I love you!!

...__... · 03-02-2015 02:21AM

I went through someting sililar last year op emotional affir to start was going on for a long time before I found out.
I got the same lines he was just a friend tehre was nothing I didnt tell you so not to hurt you after that It just went down hill to the point if she said it was raining outside Id have to check myself the trust was gone there was other issues too but realised it was too late to start trying again.
I think you really need to take stock of the situation it has been going on for a long time.
The texts were deleted so you have no proof.
You could believe him or think rationally there is never smoke without fire.

aceholder · 03-02-2015 02:34AM

...__... wrote: »

I went through someting sililar last year op emotional affir to start was going on for a long time before I found out.
I got the same lines he was just a friend tehre was nothing I didnt tell you so not to hurt you after that It just went down hill to the point if she said it was raining outside Id have to check myself the trust was gone there was other issues too but realised it was too late to start trying again.
I think you really need to take stock of the situation it has been going on for a long time.
The texts were deleted so you have no proof.
You could believe him or think rationally there is never smoke without fire.

So sorry to hear what you've gone through, I am the same here, dont know what to believe, I am a true believer that once the trust is gone its hard to carry on, its 1.35 here now and my husband should have finished work at 11.30 and he is still not home, takes him 50 minutes to drive home, need I say anymore

John_D80 · 03-02-2015 07:51AM

OP, a lot of people offering advice to you seem to be speculating about things he COULD have been doing since this all started. My heart goes out to you truly, this must be an awful situation to be in, but whatever you decide to do must be based on fact and what you know for sure.

Is it entirely beyond the realms of possibility that he is telling the truth? Gut feelings are not always right, despite what some may say.

Saralee4 · 03-02-2015 08:27AM

John_D80 wrote: »

OP, a lot of people offering advice to you seem to be speculating about things he COULD have been doing since this all started. My heart goes out to you truly, this must be an awful situation to be in, but whatever you decide to do must be based on fact and what you know for sure.

Is it entirely beyond the realms of possibility that he is telling the truth? Gut feelings are not always right, despite what some may say.

That's fair enough and there is a chance that he has not "done" anything physically but he has more or less admitted to an emotional affair and has been basically trailing off the subject when op has questioned him about it.

The facts are that the husband has admitted getting close to this woman. He has tried to hide the relationship by deleting communication between them and he has described the woman as intense with him. I don't know what other proof you need. The husband needs to be straight with his op and stop confusing her with half admitting things and half denying it.

ceadaoin. · 03-02-2015 10:10AM

aceholder wrote: »

So sorry to hear what you've gone through, I am the same here, dont know what to believe, I am a true believer that once the trust is gone its hard to carry on, its 1.35 here now and my husband should have finished work at 11.30 and he is still not home, takes him 50 minutes to drive home, need I say anymore

See, if he really cared about fixing this then he would be bending over backwards to be transparent in his activities. He wouldnt be disappearing at all hours of the night. It doesn't look good. Aside from anything else, he has a complete lack of respect for you and your marriage. Had he been in touch to say why he was late and where he was? What does he expect you to think? That would be the last straw for me I think.

Dog of Tears · 03-02-2015 11:00AM

Forget about the phone calls for the moment - what about the being two hours late and "stinking of perfume"?

I'd be more worried about that.

aceholder · 03-02-2015 10:09PM

ceadaoin. wrote: »

See, if he really cared about fixing this then he would be bending over backwards to be transparent in his activities. He wouldnt be disappearing at all hours of the night. It doesn't look good. Aside from anything else, he has a complete lack of respect for you and your marriage. Had he been in touch to say why he was late and where he was? What does he expect you to think? That would be the last straw for me I think.

he said he was held up because of a machine failure and had to complete the job to get the machine back to production, this happens a lot and happened on the night he came home stinking of perfume, he said someone took his lab coat by mistake and when he put it on the perfume transferred on to him, even though operatives are not meant to wear perfume in the clean room

aceholder · 03-02-2015 10:24PM

John_D80 wrote: »

OP, a lot of people offering advice to you seem to be speculating about things he COULD have been doing since this all started. My heart goes out to you truly, this must be an awful situation to be in, but whatever you decide to do must be based on fact and what you know for sure.

Is it entirely beyond the realms of possibility that he is telling the truth? Gut feelings are not always right, despite what some may say.

This is the most horrible situation I have ever been in, I am totally committed to him and we always or I should day I always believed to have met my soul mate and he has been my best friend for all of our marriage, I always admired his honesty and loyalty he is the type to say what he means, he always cut through bull**** and always straight to the point, to discover he has that deceptive sneaky trait has shocked me to the core, I more than anything want the truth and seriously doubt our relationship will recover unless I do get it, but then he asks so I want him to confess to a sexual affair even though he didnt do anything, all he admits to is getting to close to the other woman, he said they spent a lot of time together and she poured out her heart to him about many very personal problems and issues but he said he never confided in her about his personal life, this is all such a mess I wish I'd never seen those phone bills now

Taltos · 04-02-2015 07:18AM

Do you have anyone you can go spend a few days with?
Your leaving might wake him up, but more importantly it will do you some good to get some distance from this and not to have to look at his face every day or be reminded in everything you see around you.

I'm not telling you to move out, that isn't a good idea but at least get some time alone or ask him to. Chances are he'll refuse, again abandoning the family home is not a good move so he may not want to walk into that one unless it's clear that you just need the weekend or a week alone to figure things out.

aceholder · 04-02-2015 02:44PM

Taltos wrote: »

Do you have anyone you can go spend a few days with?
Your leaving might wake him up, but more importantly it will do you some good to get some distance from this and not to have to look at his face every day or be reminded in everything you see around you.

I'm not telling you to move out, that isn't a good idea but at least get some time alone or ask him to. Chances are he'll refuse, again abandoning the family home is not a good move so he may not want to walk into that one unless it's clear that you just need the weekend or a week alone to figure things out.

thanks Taltos, I have thought about it and I have a few places I can go but he is sleeping in a spare room for now and giving me space. I'll be going away for a few days next week, preplanned, so I'll wait till then, but have I dread that he will get up to something when I am away

ceadaoin. · 04-02-2015 03:04PM

aceholder wrote: »

thanks Taltos, I have thought about it and I have a few places I can go but he is sleeping in a spare room for now and giving me space. I'll be going away for a few days next week, preplanned, so I'll wait till then, but have I dread that he will get up to something when I am away

I know it's easy to say but there is nothing you can do to stop him if he has decided to get up to something. If you weren't going away he would still find a way to do it and by the sounds of things he already has. Use the few days to think about how you want to proceed with this. Personally I think he should be the one to leave for a few days and not to bother coming back until he is willing to tell you the full truth.

Neyite · 04-02-2015 03:14PM

aceholder wrote: »

thanks Taltos, I have thought about it and I have a few places I can go but he is sleeping in a spare room for now and giving me space. I'll be going away for a few days next week, preplanned, so I'll wait till then, but have I dread that he will get up to something when I am away

It's probably not much consolation but if he still intends to cheat, he would do it regardless of whether or not you are home. If, however he values his marriage and hasnt been physical with this woman, this close call might have given him the wakeup call he needed to cop on.

I'd still make a mental note of what sheets are on the beds before you go though!

aceholder · 04-02-2015 04:20PM

Neyite wrote: »

It's probably not much consolation but if he still intends to cheat, he would do it regardless of whether or not you are home. If, however he values his marriage and hasnt been physical with this woman, this close call might have given him the wakeup call he needed to cop on.

I'd still make a mental note of what sheets are on the beds before you go though!

OMG if he brought her into my home I would lose it altogether and I wouldnt be responsible for what I'd do to both of them, bad enough anywhere else but my home is deffo off bounds

LegacyUser · 04-02-2015 06:35PM

Going unreg for this for obvious reasons

I was this woman at one stage

I had a very good friendship with a work colleague spoke to him often outside work hours
he was a really good friend to me when I was having a hard time in my life and we grew close during this time , he often spoke to me when he was at home with his family and at the time I really seen nothing wrong in this , his wife contacted me and told me she was not happy with our friendship he had cheated on her before and she was not going to let it happen again

I told him she had contacted me and he hit the roof I pulled away from our friendship as I didn't want to cause his wife any upset , as we still worked together we still had to have contact but I limited it to work hours he left the job not long after this and rang me telling me he loved me I was completely shocked maybe I was naïve to think we were just friends but looking back on it I can see it was an emotional affair I crossed a line with this man that I never should have and am much more careful with my friendships now

I'm not making any excuses for either of them it is wrong but I suppose what I'm getting at is now that you have pointed it out and making him aware of it just in case he wasn't before if he continues on with this friendship he is thinking of her feelings more than yours and this is wrong and might give you your answer , I do think a woman always just knows if there is something wrong with their partner you can feel it so perhaps trust your gut on this one

Husband deleted all texts and calls to and from a female work colleague

Comments