Husband deleted all texts and calls to and from a female work colleague

aceholder

Hi all hope someone can give me some advice on what's happening in my marriage. We are married 20 years and have 2 grown up children who dont live with us, My husband started working on the evening shift about 3 years ago and one of the team he worked closely with was a single woman who is about 15 years younger than him. She was mentioned often during the past few years along with other work colleagues when we would be chatting about his day, last year I started getting a bit suspicious as I found a text from her on my husbands phone when she knew he was at home in bed, he didnt reply but she rang him about 10 minutes later and they chatted for about 15 minutes, I found this not cause I was snooping on him I was actually looking for the phone number of a mutual friend with a similar same that I had lost when I got a new phone. I said to my husband at the time it seemed unfair to be ringing you at 9am when you only got home from work at 2.30am to which he replied that it was fine this once.

Months later I was emptying out a drawer in the kitchen and I found a few mobile phone bills and went through them as I keep mine for tax purposes but no need to keep the husbands bills as his are for private use only, it was then as I was going through them I found dozens of calls and to this woman, during and outside work hours, there were so many the number jumped up from the page, I tried not to jump to conclusions but the Christmas Party was on the following night that he was going to (spouses are not invited) and the day after the party he was telling me all about it and this woman seemed to be with him the entire night, constantly mentioning her and what they were doing, he said he slept in a twin room with a male colleague.

At this time I had a look at his phone and there were 2 texts from this woman and one to her every other call and text were gone, still I said nothing...

Its now 8 weeks later and I cleaned out the glove compartment of my car and found 3 more phone bills and there are dozens of calls to this woman again,

Last Wednesday he came home from work over 2 hours late and stinking of perfume and I then needed answers and calmly asked him to explain all this when he came in from work and he admitted that he deleted all her call and texts and also the calls and texts he makes to her as he knows I wouldnt like it as she gets a bit intense (his words) in her texts, she texts and calls him when he is late for their coffee break, dinner break and even cigarette breaks which he admits he spends all of them with her,

He swears there was no sex involved, he says he only deleted all these calls as he realised their content might be misinterpreted by me but admits he did get a bit too close to her but she is now "getting in his face" and is finding it hard to get out of it. I cant help but think he was in a full blown affair as these calls went on for 10 months and when he lost his phone and was without one she used his work phone and pager to continue to contact him. Please help and let me know what your opinion is as I am way too close to this to see the wood for the trees but my gut feeling is horror and dread

Shrap

aceholder wrote: »

Please help and let me know what your opinion is as I am way too close to this to see the wood for the trees but my gut feeling is horror and dread

I'm sorry girl, but I would think your gut is right Hard to know how you'd find out if he's telling definitely lying to you though. You're properly between a rock and a hard place, you poor thing.

If he's telling the truth and has deleted all these calls because he knew you might be coming to unwelcome conclusions about them - that means he's been thinking for 10 months that you'd be checking his phone if you ever had a suspicion. Seems an odd thing to do, rather than just tell you this woman wouldn't leave him alone. So tbh, it seems not to be the truth, but you get to be the one who winds up looking like a bunny boiler if you accept this "truth" and it niggles away at you and contaminates your relationship. If he IS actually telling the truth, you'd better communicate to him that you're going to find this very hard to live with.

If he is lying and denying everything then I'm really very sorry for you.....and I don't know how you'd find out without getting really sneaky. I do think (as an outsider) that the way he's handled this so-called nuisance caller the last 10 months would definitely warrant some investigation though.

You must be gut wrenched over this alright, but he might be telling the truth? Can you talk to a friend, or even better, a friend who works with him?

Neyite

Could you call his bluff and ask him some night to give his phone to you there and the as you've found a way to recover deleted texts? (You might actually be able to do that depending on the model of phone if you google) and dont let him postpone you doing it. Surely he'd give his permission to look at his phone to clear up the misunderstanding?

His reaction should tell you a lot. Just remain silent and let him babble to fill it and see what comes out.

Its irrelevant if he has had a physical affair if you feel there is sufficient grounds for trust to be broken. If the roles were reversed, how would he feel about you having an intense friendship with another man? Are his colleagues not totally suspicious if its as he claims, just a friendship with them constantly together?

I don't know whether he is cheating or not, but I can say I think that that volume of calls behind your partners back does not paint him in any good light.

Purple Mountain

Is there anybody else in his work enviornment that you know and trust to ask discretely what goes on there?

Saralee4

If it wasn't physical, he has definitely admitted to an emotional affair. He said that they got close, she's intense, they spend any time in work they can together, alot of communication on phone outside of work which he has deleted because basically he knew it looked dodgy.

I'm sorry to say but I think you know yourself. Whatever has been going on, it's been inappropriate for a work relationship and for a husband.

aceholder

Thanks Shrap I have spoken to a friend and he cant believe he would be unfaithful as we have been thought a lot together over the years but as he admitted deleting the calls and texts I have a niggling feeling it was more especially as his first reaction was anger and complete denial

aceholder

No Purple Mountain, he works about 30km away and I am never in there, big multinational company would need security clearance to get in the door and as they dont have spouses at company events I never got to meet any of his colleagues

aceholder

Good idea Neyite, great minds and all that, I already have a SIM card reader and the only deleted texts were from vodaphone, seems all his texts are saved to the phone and not the SIM

aceholder

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

Shrap

aceholder wrote: »

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

This brings us back to my big question. What's the purpose of deleting texts for 10 months if there was nothing to be suspicious about? Does he always see you as somebody who checks up on him constantly? He's making out like he was protecting you from yourself (would get the wrong idea/get volatile) but was essentially deleting texts for months and months in case he got caught. Not the way around he has made it out at all.

aceholder

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

Saralee4

aceholder wrote: »

Thanks Saralee I know in my heart and soul he was involved in an emotional affair but found it so gut wrenching that I think I buried my head in the sand but when he came home from work 2 hours late last week, stinking of perfume with a pathetic excuse I had to have it out with him, thing is as much as I dont want to believe it I think it was more, he is so evasive about exactly WHY he deleted them, first it was to protect me, not to hurt me and then it was I would get volatile, volitale I am the most placid and laid back person I know lol, unless my family is being threatened of course!!

saying that he is trying to protect you, not hurt you, then prevent you from becoming volitale was him projecting and diverting the situation away from himself. Protecting you from being hurt and getting mad at the truth of what he has done?

Twenty years is a long time to be together and there are going to be temptation s along the way so I don't think it has to be the end for you two. But he really has to own up and take responsibility for this and you two need to discuss together whether you both want to save the relationship or not.

He can't have his cake and eat it though.

strandroad

He was deleting them to mislead you for nearly a year when he was "too close" to her, and now he deflects it by putting the blame on you? It's a major breach of trust whether he was cheating physically or not. But he was certainly invested emotionally to behave this way. I wonder what would her version be like - to have so much time/contact with her he must have spun her a good tale. Empty marriage or psycho wife are classics in such circumstances.

aceholder

Shrap wrote: »

This brings us back to my big question. What's the purpose of deleting texts for 10 months if there was nothing to be suspicious about? Does he always see you as somebody who checks up on him constantly? He's making out like he was protecting you from yourself (would get the wrong idea/get volatile) but was essentially deleting texts for months and months in case he got caught. Not the way around he has made it out at all.

exactly Shrap thats what I said to him, he is the type of person that if he doesnt like something he simply wont do it, so if he didnt like the tone of her texts why didnt he just tell her to stop, I accused him of wanting the relationship to continue with her be it an emotional one or sexual one and deleted any suggestive or incriminating texts.

I didnt mention in my first post that an incident happened over ten years ago where a mutual female friend of ours made a pass at him, (while fairly drunk I must add) he told me he brushed her off and nothing ever happened but he only told me about 4-5 years ago. at that time we agreed if there was ever any messing or we get ourselves into a position like that again that it is brought to the others attention IMMEDIATELY then we can laugh about it together, when I reminded him about that he just said that he thought he was dealing with it but it was a mistake

aceholder

mhge wrote: »

He was deleting them to mislead you for nearly a year when he was "too close" to her, and now he deflects it by putting the blame on you? It's a major breach of trust whether he was cheating physically or not. But he was certainly invested emotionally to behave this way. I wonder what would her version be like - to have so much time/contact with her he must have spun her a good tale. Empty marriage or psycho wife are classics in such circumstances.

I would love to see what she has to say but dont actually believe she is responsible to me, HE is and he is the one who deceived and broken my trust, she might be of loose morals with no respect for her "friends" marriage but then again I wont get nasty by casting aspirations on her character as much as I would like to!

ceadaoin.

aceholder wrote: »

I would love to see what she has to say but dont actually believe she is responsible to me, HE is and he is the one who deceived and broken my trust, she might be of loose morals with no respect for her "friends" marriage but then again I wont get nasty by casting aspirations on her character as much as I would like to!

You're right, this is all on him. The thing is, you don't know what lines he has been feeding her about your marriage. He could have been telling her the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me/we're like roommates/she is crazy' bullsh!t. Can you be sure she knows he is married given that you've never met any of his colleague?

It must be horrible for you to be going through this OP. Even if it is 'just' and emotional affair, they are pretty invested in each other given that they spend all their free time at work together and text and call constantly when they aren't together. They must be the talk of the office.

Has he said what he intends to do about this friendship? Is he still meeting up with her? I would be suspicious if all texts and calls suddenly stopped and would presume he had just got a second phone to contact her.

aceholder

ceadaoin. wrote: »

You're right, this is all on him. The thing is, you don't know what lines he has been feeding her about your marriage. He could have been telling her the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me/we're like roommates/she is crazy' bullsh!t. Can you be sure she knows he is married given that you've never met any of his colleague?

It must be horrible for you to be going through this OP. Even if it is 'just' and emotional affair, they are pretty invested in each other given that they spend all their free time at work together and text and call constantly when they aren't together. They must be the talk of the office.

Has he said what he intends to do about this friendship? Is he still meeting up with her? I would be suspicious if all texts and calls suddenly stopped and would presume he had just got a second phone to contact her.

He tells me now that she is in a different department with different break times so rarely sees her now, regarding what lines he was feeding her about me, back last year when she texted and rang him when she knew he would be in bed I sent her a brief message asking her not to contact my husband when he was at home with his family, that night when he came home he said she was surprised by my message and also said 2 things which raised a red flag with me, one was "does she feel threatened by me and the other really annoyed me, she said to him "she must really love you" I replied to him what the HELL does she mean by that, I am your wife, of course I love you!!

...__...

I went through someting sililar last year op emotional affir to start was going on for a long time before I found out.
I got the same lines he was just a friend tehre was nothing I didnt tell you so not to hurt you after that It just went down hill to the point if she said it was raining outside Id have to check myself the trust was gone there was other issues too but realised it was too late to start trying again.
I think you really need to take stock of the situation it has been going on for a long time.
The texts were deleted so you have no proof.
You could believe him or think rationally there is never smoke without fire.

aceholder

...__... wrote: »

I went through someting sililar last year op emotional affir to start was going on for a long time before I found out.
I got the same lines he was just a friend tehre was nothing I didnt tell you so not to hurt you after that It just went down hill to the point if she said it was raining outside Id have to check myself the trust was gone there was other issues too but realised it was too late to start trying again.
I think you really need to take stock of the situation it has been going on for a long time.
The texts were deleted so you have no proof.
You could believe him or think rationally there is never smoke without fire.

So sorry to hear what you've gone through, I am the same here, dont know what to believe, I am a true believer that once the trust is gone its hard to carry on, its 1.35 here now and my husband should have finished work at 11.30 and he is still not home, takes him 50 minutes to drive home, need I say anymore

John_D80

OP, a lot of people offering advice to you seem to be speculating about things he COULD have been doing since this all started. My heart goes out to you truly, this must be an awful situation to be in, but whatever you decide to do must be based on fact and what you know for sure.

Is it entirely beyond the realms of possibility that he is telling the truth? Gut feelings are not always right, despite what some may say.

Saralee4

John_D80 wrote: »

OP, a lot of people offering advice to you seem to be speculating about things he COULD have been doing since this all started. My heart goes out to you truly, this must be an awful situation to be in, but whatever you decide to do must be based on fact and what you know for sure.

Is it entirely beyond the realms of possibility that he is telling the truth? Gut feelings are not always right, despite what some may say.

That's fair enough and there is a chance that he has not "done" anything physically but he has more or less admitted to an emotional affair and has been basically trailing off the subject when op has questioned him about it.

The facts are that the husband has admitted getting close to this woman. He has tried to hide the relationship by deleting communication between them and he has described the woman as intense with him. I don't know what other proof you need. The husband needs to be straight with his op and stop confusing her with half admitting things and half denying it.

ceadaoin.

aceholder wrote: »

So sorry to hear what you've gone through, I am the same here, dont know what to believe, I am a true believer that once the trust is gone its hard to carry on, its 1.35 here now and my husband should have finished work at 11.30 and he is still not home, takes him 50 minutes to drive home, need I say anymore

See, if he really cared about fixing this then he would be bending over backwards to be transparent in his activities. He wouldnt be disappearing at all hours of the night. It doesn't look good. Aside from anything else, he has a complete lack of respect for you and your marriage. Had he been in touch to say why he was late and where he was? What does he expect you to think? That would be the last straw for me I think.

Dog of Tears

Forget about the phone calls for the moment - what about the being two hours late and "stinking of perfume"?

I'd be more worried about that.

aceholder

ceadaoin. wrote: »

See, if he really cared about fixing this then he would be bending over backwards to be transparent in his activities. He wouldnt be disappearing at all hours of the night. It doesn't look good. Aside from anything else, he has a complete lack of respect for you and your marriage. Had he been in touch to say why he was late and where he was? What does he expect you to think? That would be the last straw for me I think.

he said he was held up because of a machine failure and had to complete the job to get the machine back to production, this happens a lot and happened on the night he came home stinking of perfume, he said someone took his lab coat by mistake and when he put it on the perfume transferred on to him, even though operatives are not meant to wear perfume in the clean room

aceholder

John_D80 wrote: »

OP, a lot of people offering advice to you seem to be speculating about things he COULD have been doing since this all started. My heart goes out to you truly, this must be an awful situation to be in, but whatever you decide to do must be based on fact and what you know for sure.

Is it entirely beyond the realms of possibility that he is telling the truth? Gut feelings are not always right, despite what some may say.

This is the most horrible situation I have ever been in, I am totally committed to him and we always or I should day I always believed to have met my soul mate and he has been my best friend for all of our marriage, I always admired his honesty and loyalty he is the type to say what he means, he always cut through bull**** and always straight to the point, to discover he has that deceptive sneaky trait has shocked me to the core, I more than anything want the truth and seriously doubt our relationship will recover unless I do get it, but then he asks so I want him to confess to a sexual affair even though he didnt do anything, all he admits to is getting to close to the other woman, he said they spent a lot of time together and she poured out her heart to him about many very personal problems and issues but he said he never confided in her about his personal life, this is all such a mess I wish I'd never seen those phone bills now

Taltos

Do you have anyone you can go spend a few days with?
Your leaving might wake him up, but more importantly it will do you some good to get some distance from this and not to have to look at his face every day or be reminded in everything you see around you.

I'm not telling you to move out, that isn't a good idea but at least get some time alone or ask him to. Chances are he'll refuse, again abandoning the family home is not a good move so he may not want to walk into that one unless it's clear that you just need the weekend or a week alone to figure things out.

aceholder

Taltos wrote: »

Do you have anyone you can go spend a few days with?
Your leaving might wake him up, but more importantly it will do you some good to get some distance from this and not to have to look at his face every day or be reminded in everything you see around you.

I'm not telling you to move out, that isn't a good idea but at least get some time alone or ask him to. Chances are he'll refuse, again abandoning the family home is not a good move so he may not want to walk into that one unless it's clear that you just need the weekend or a week alone to figure things out.

thanks Taltos, I have thought about it and I have a few places I can go but he is sleeping in a spare room for now and giving me space. I'll be going away for a few days next week, preplanned, so I'll wait till then, but have I dread that he will get up to something when I am away

ceadaoin.

aceholder wrote: »

thanks Taltos, I have thought about it and I have a few places I can go but he is sleeping in a spare room for now and giving me space. I'll be going away for a few days next week, preplanned, so I'll wait till then, but have I dread that he will get up to something when I am away

I know it's easy to say but there is nothing you can do to stop him if he has decided to get up to something. If you weren't going away he would still find a way to do it and by the sounds of things he already has. Use the few days to think about how you want to proceed with this. Personally I think he should be the one to leave for a few days and not to bother coming back until he is willing to tell you the full truth.

Neyite

aceholder wrote: »

thanks Taltos, I have thought about it and I have a few places I can go but he is sleeping in a spare room for now and giving me space. I'll be going away for a few days next week, preplanned, so I'll wait till then, but have I dread that he will get up to something when I am away

It's probably not much consolation but if he still intends to cheat, he would do it regardless of whether or not you are home. If, however he values his marriage and hasnt been physical with this woman, this close call might have given him the wakeup call he needed to cop on.

I'd still make a mental note of what sheets are on the beds before you go though!

aceholder

Neyite wrote: »

It's probably not much consolation but if he still intends to cheat, he would do it regardless of whether or not you are home. If, however he values his marriage and hasnt been physical with this woman, this close call might have given him the wakeup call he needed to cop on.

I'd still make a mental note of what sheets are on the beds before you go though!

OMG if he brought her into my home I would lose it altogether and I wouldnt be responsible for what I'd do to both of them, bad enough anywhere else but my home is deffo off bounds

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this for obvious reasons

I was this woman at one stage

I had a very good friendship with a work colleague spoke to him often outside work hours
he was a really good friend to me when I was having a hard time in my life and we grew close during this time , he often spoke to me when he was at home with his family and at the time I really seen nothing wrong in this , his wife contacted me and told me she was not happy with our friendship he had cheated on her before and she was not going to let it happen again

I told him she had contacted me and he hit the roof I pulled away from our friendship as I didn't want to cause his wife any upset , as we still worked together we still had to have contact but I limited it to work hours he left the job not long after this and rang me telling me he loved me I was completely shocked maybe I was naïve to think we were just friends but looking back on it I can see it was an emotional affair I crossed a line with this man that I never should have and am much more careful with my friendships now

I'm not making any excuses for either of them it is wrong but I suppose what I'm getting at is now that you have pointed it out and making him aware of it just in case he wasn't before if he continues on with this friendship he is thinking of her feelings more than yours and this is wrong and might give you your answer , I do think a woman always just knows if there is something wrong with their partner you can feel it so perhaps trust your gut on this one

John_D80

aceholder wrote: »

This is the most horrible situation I have ever been in, I am totally committed to him and we always or I should day I always believed to have met my soul mate and he has been my best friend for all of our marriage, I always admired his honesty and loyalty he is the type to say what he means, he always cut through bull**** and always straight to the point, to discover he has that deceptive sneaky trait has shocked me to the core, I more than anything want the truth and seriously doubt our relationship will recover unless I do get it, but then he asks so I want him to confess to a sexual affair even though he didnt do anything, all he admits to is getting to close to the other woman, he said they spent a lot of time together and she poured out her heart to him about many very personal problems and issues but he said he never confided in her about his personal life, this is all such a mess I wish I'd never seen those phone bills now

I'm really trying not to sound like devils advocate here, but at what point would you be happy that you know the full truth? I kinda get what he is saying about you wanting him to admit to what he hasnt even done. You are hurt right now so it's understandable that you would suspect the worst right away.

What he has done to you is awful and for many it would be a relationship finisher as it is. But personally, I can't see from any of your post, anything to suggest that it went beyond what he has admitted to. But are his proven indiscretions alone enough to call it a day with him? Only you can decide that.

I would also second what Neyite said about this all possibly being the kick in the arse he needed to remind him what he could lose if he lets it go any further.

Saralee4

John_D80 wrote: »

I'm really trying not to sound like devils advocate here, but at what point would you be happy that you know the full truth? I kinda get what he is saying about you wanting him to admit to what he hasnt even done. You are hurt right now so it's understandable that you would suspect the worst right away.

What he has done to you is awful and for many it would be a relationship finisher as it is. But personally, I can't see from any of your post, anything to suggest that it went beyond what he has admitted to. But are his proven indiscretions alone enough to call it a day with him? Only you can decide that.

I would also second what Neyite said about this all possibly being the kick in the arse he needed to remind him what he could lose if he lets it go any further.

I don't think the Ops husband is being very clear with her on what the relationship actually was. And it sounds like they haven't had a proper open conversation about it where he is honest, remorseful and wants to reassure that there is and will be nothing going on.

He kind of admits things without fully confessing and it seems to leave OP in limbo about what actually was going on. Did/does he have feelings for this woman? Are they still continuing their 'intense' friendship? Does he admit that the relationship was wrong, does he think their was nothing wrong with it? I don't think he has given op clear definite confirmation and this is why they are stuck without any resolve.

ceadaoin.

John_D80 wrote: »

I'm really trying not to sound like devils advocate here, but at what point would you be happy that you know the full truth? I kinda get what he is saying about you wanting him to admit to what he hasnt even done. You are hurt right now so it's understandable that you would suspect the worst right away.

What he has done to you is awful and for many it would be a relationship finisher as it is. But personally, I can't see from any of your post, anything to suggest that it went beyond what he has admitted to. But are his proven indiscretions alone enough to call it a day with him? Only you can decide that.

I would also second what Neyite said about this all possibly being the kick in the arse he needed to remind him what he could lose if he lets it go any further.

Coming home hours late and stinking of perfume doesn't suggest anything untowards to you? The fact that he got defensive when she asked for the full truth and tried to turn it back on her is a classic sign that he is not being totally honest. If you were in his position and knew you had messed up big time and were truly remorseful, would you really start having a go at your partner when they are understandably trying to find out what exactly happened?

If he has realised what he stands to lose then he isn't going about it the right way by again coming home hours late with no contact.

aceholder

Saralee4 wrote: »

I don't think the Ops husband is being very clear with her on what the relationship actually was. And it sounds like they haven't had a proper open conversation about it where he is honest, remorseful and wants to reassure that there is and will be nothing going on.

He kind of admits things without fully confessing and it seems to leave OP in limbo about what actually was going on. Did/does he have feelings for this woman? Are they still continuing their 'intense' friendship? Does he admit that the relationship was wrong, does he think their was nothing wrong with it? I don't think he has given op clear definite confirmation and this is why they are stuck without any resolve.

Yes you hit it on the head Saralee, he says he has no feelings for her, he admits he does like her as a friend, he admits it went too far but not saying why or what constitutes whats "too far", he also says he doesnt see much of her now as she took up a new position in a different part of the company, he does think the relationship was wrong but not why just that the content and frequency of the texts from her (and maybe to her?) would have upset me as I previously texted her to ask her to stop ringing him at home, He wouldnt say if they were incriminating texts as I fear if he actually admits to sleeping with her that would be a deal breaker with me

aceholder

John_D80 wrote: »

I'm really trying not to sound like devils advocate here, but at what point would you be happy that you know the full truth? I kinda get what he is saying about you wanting him to admit to what he hasnt even done. You are hurt right now so it's understandable that you would suspect the worst right away.

What he has done to you is awful and for many it would be a relationship finisher as it is. But personally, I can't see from any of your post, anything to suggest that it went beyond what he has admitted to. But are his proven indiscretions alone enough to call it a day with him? Only you can decide that.

I would also second what Neyite said about this all possibly being the kick in the arse he needed to remind him what he could lose if he lets it go any further.

thing is John, months ago I realised this relationship was getting a bit too much and I told my husband just that, the calls especially when she started ringing him at home alarmed me and he should watch out that she maybe having feelings for him, he reacted badly to that and got very defensive so much that I stopped saying anything, since then he has been deleting all communication between them, its to me is utter deception and if I had not found the bills I would still be none the wiser

aceholder

aceholder wrote: »

thing is John, months ago I realised this relationship was getting a bit too much and I told my husband just that, the calls especially when she started ringing him at home alarmed me and he should watch out that she maybe having feelings for him, he reacted badly to that and got very defensive so much that I stopped saying anything, since then he has been deleting all communication between them, its to me is utter deception and if I had not found the bills I would still be none the wiser

and I should have added that this is why I feel and sense a sexual relation took place after I spoke to him in the first place

honey79

He is your husband you know him better than anyone at first when I read your post I thought maybe it was a harmless , but as I read your posts that follows they read to me like you already know the answer sorry op hope you have someone around you to talk to

take care of yourself

aceholder

honey79 wrote: »

He is your husband you know him better than anyone at first when I read your post I thought maybe it was a harmless , but as I read your posts that follows they read to me like you already know the answer sorry op hope you have someone around you to talk to

take care of yourself

Thank you honey79 yes I have a good friend that I have to turn to, its the deception that really hurts I feel he HAS had a sexual relationship with that woman but once he admits it he is crossing a line where he cant return from, kinda dammed if you do and dammed if you dont
thanks for your kind words

Hannibal Smith

My number one rule is with phones, emails and other messages....if you're interacting with some one and you feel the need to hide it from your other half...there's something not quite right. It may not be a full blown a affair...but you're deliberately hiding something. Emailing and texting because he's late for coffee breaks? Really?

Stavro Mueller

aceholder wrote: »

I feel he HAS had a sexual relationship with that woman but once he admits it he is crossing a line where he can't return
from, kinda dammed if you do and dammed if you don't s

To be honest I'm not sure you'll get him to admit to anything of the sort. This "getting too close" talk covers a multitude and it may be as far as he'll go with it. If cheaters can't get away with denying what they've been up to, their next tactic can be to minimise it. Of course nobody here can say for sure what exactly he has been getting up to but the evidence is definitely ominous.

It's telling that your trip away next week has you thinking the worst. You don't trust your husband as far as you'd throw him and this could well be what unravels your marriage.

aceholder

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

My number one rule is with phones, emails and other messages....if you're interacting with some one and you feel the need to hide it from your other half...there's something not quite right. It may not be a full blown a affair...but you're deliberately hiding something. Emailing and texting because he's late for coffee breaks? Really?

The hiding all the communication from me seriously worries me but as you say emailing and texting when he does not arrive for breaks extensively sounds more like bunny boiler behaviour, he explains it as she "was always getting in my face" I have no sympathy as you can imagine

retro:electro

aceholder wrote: »

The hiding all the communication from me seriously worries me but as you say emailing and texting when he does not arrive for breaks extensively sounds more like bunny boiler behaviour, he explains it as she "was always getting in my face" I have no sympathy as you can imagine

God his attitude is just so insulting. To add insult on top of injury hes using the oldest trick in the book, the good old deflection tactic of "she wouldn't leave me alone/she was too intense it was wrecking my head/I could never get away from her" bla bla. Ya, that explains why he deleted all their contact and he hid everything from you...not.

And how convenient that now all of a sudden she works in a different part of the company, what kind of an ejit does he take you for? I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
My god he's an idiot.

aceholder

anna080 wrote: »

God his attitude is just so insulting. To add insult on top of injury hes using the oldest trick in the book, the good old deflection tactic of "she wouldn't leave me alone/she was too intense it was wrecking my head/I could never get away from her" bla bla. Ya, that explains why he deleted all their contact and he hid everything from you...
And how convenient that now all of a sudden she works in a different part of the company, what kind of an ejit does he take you for? I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
My god he's an idiot.

I think I am the idiot

retro:electro

aceholder wrote: »

I think I am the idiot

You're not at all and don't think for a minute that you are. But please don't let him insult you any further by having him think you're believing his lies that he's shovelling into you.

blueb

Hiya, i have been following this board and my heart breaks for ya.
Can i ask do you know what model phone he has.... on some smart phones there is a way to look back on the last few weeks or months to show where they have been..

Try researching tracking / cheating apps !!! they work

aceholder

blueb wrote: »

Hiya, i have been following this board and my heart breaks for ya.
Can i ask do you know what model phone he has.... on some smart phones there is a way to look back on the last few weeks or months to show where they have been..

Try researching tracking / cheating apps !!! they work

He has a basic nokia phone does nothing but calls and texts

aceholder

unreg1 wrote: »

Going unreg for this for obvious reasons

I was this woman at one stage

I had a very good friendship with a work colleague spoke to him often outside work hours
he was a really good friend to me when I was having a hard time in my life and we grew close during this time , he often spoke to me when he was at home with his family and at the time I really seen nothing wrong in this , his wife contacted me and told me she was not happy with our friendship he had cheated on her before and she was not going to let it happen again

I told him she had contacted me and he hit the roof I pulled away from our friendship as I didn't want to cause his wife any upset , as we still worked together we still had to have contact but I limited it to work hours he left the job not long after this and rang me telling me he loved me I was completely shocked maybe I was naïve to think we were just friends but looking back on it I can see it was an emotional affair I crossed a line with this man that I never should have and am much more careful with my friendships now

I'm not making any excuses for either of them it is wrong but I suppose what I'm getting at is now that you have pointed it out and making him aware of it just in case he wasn't before if he continues on with this friendship he is thinking of her feelings more than yours and this is wrong and might give you your answer , I do think a woman always just knows if there is something wrong with their partner you can feel it so perhaps trust your gut on this one

Thank you so much for your honesty, the other woman in this sent me a message saying she was only a work colleague and any texts and calls were all work related, which I knew was not the truth, and my husband too hit the roof when I told him I asked her not to send texts or call my husband at home, I do know that the calls continued in work as he told me, so in fact he did put his friendship with her before me and my feelings, this feels so painful I can describe it like a bereavement, He suggested Marriage Guidance Counselling which we are starting next week

SEANoftheDEAD

Hi OP,

In your case, I think you need to go with your gut. There is no smoke without fire and I was in a similar situation last year. (There is a thread on here about it)

My Fiancé at the time was texting an ex and I saw the content. To this day I'll never know if she actually had physical relations but on the night I confronted her about it told me everything I need to know. Her reaction, her face and general lack of givin a ****...

I believe in your case you need to do the same thing. 10 months must of been torture on your mental health. That can't be good for you! And in this case the only person you need to be thinking of is yourself.

I came to Boards with my issue as I wanted neutral advice and it helped me allot. The general reaction to your issue is the same as your gut feeling. Once the trust is gone, (no matter of proof of physical relations) there is no going forward.

This will be the hardest decision you'll ever have to make. But I assure you, when you make it, you will be better off!
You deserve better and will persevere. Surround yourself with family and good friends. The first while will be the hardest and you will doubt your decision every hour of the day; but there will be a time in the near future where you will wake up with a big smile on your face and clear head.
That's the day when you will be proud of yourself for having the balls to make this choice!!
Do not fear being alone and don't give up on love. There WILL be someone in the future.

I really wish you well. Be strong!

Saralee4

SEANoftheDEAD wrote: »

Hi OP,

In your case, I think you need to go with your gut. There is no smoke without fire and I was in a similar situation last year. (There is a thread on here about it)

My Fiancé at the time was texting an ex and I saw the content. To this day I'll never know if she actually had physical relations but on the night I confronted her about it told me everything I need to know. Her reaction, her face and general lack of givin a ****...

I believe in your case you need to do the same thing. 10 months must of been torture on your mental health. That can't be good for you! And in this case the only person you need to be thinking of is yourself.

I came to Boards with my issue as I wanted neutral advice and it helped me allot. The general reaction to your issue is the same as your gut feeling. Once the trust is gone, (no matter of proof of physical relations) there is no going forward.

This will be the hardest decision you'll ever have to make. But I assure you, when you make it, you will be better off!
You deserve better and will persevere. Surround yourself with family and good friends. The first while will be the hardest and you will doubt your decision every hour of the day; but there will be a time in the near future where you will wake up with a big smile on your face and clear head.
That's the day when you will be proud of yourself for having the balls to make this choice!!
Do not fear being alone and don't give up on love. There WILL be someone in the future.

I really wish you well. Be strong!

I think Op that you and your husband can get over this but you both need to be clear with one another and move forward together.

I do believe that you can regain the trust you once had in your marriage. I don't think he has handled the situation well at all and has kind of left you with no way of moving forward together because he hasn't been clear and open with you which is disrespectful.

It is no excuse but you are together a long time, 20 years and people go through all different kinds of changes and emotional states in that time. He could have been feeling old, he might have been flattered by her attention and got caught up in the excitement. None of this is right or justifies it but people do make mistakes especially over the course of 20 years. Whats important now is that he is clear with you so you can decide how you feel about the situation. Do you want to save the marriage?

Its important also that he is clear on how he feels now and that he is sorry and does he want to move on from it or does he think that he can continue this lifestyle?

I think you are doing the right thing by both agreeing to go to counselling and that is the next step. Hopefully the counsellor will be able to help you both get on the right path and once you have tried that then you can both decide if the relationship is worth saving or if you both want to save it and are dedicated to doing that. And if not then you have tried your best and you might need to go your separate ways but i don't think you are in that place just yet.

aceholder

Saralee4 wrote: »

I think Op that you and your husband can get over this but you both need to be clear with one another and move forward together.

I do believe that you can regain the trust you once had in your marriage. I don't think he has handled the situation well at all and has kind of left you with no way of moving forward together because he hasn't been clear and open with you which is disrespectful.

It is no excuse but you are together a long time, 20 years and people go through all different kinds of changes and emotional states in that time. He could have been feeling old, he might have been flattered by her attention and got caught up in the excitement. None of this is right or justifies it but people do make mistakes especially over the course of 20 years. Whats important now is that he is clear with you so you can decide how you feel about the situation. Do you want to save the marriage?

Its important also that he is clear on how he feels now and that he is sorry and does he want to move on from it or does he think that he can continue this lifestyle?

I think you are doing the right thing by both agreeing to go to counselling and that is the next step. Hopefully the counsellor will be able to help you both get on the right path and once you have tried that then you can both decide if the relationship is worth saving or if you both want to save it and are dedicated to doing that. And if not then you have tried your best and you might need to go your separate ways but i don't think you are in that place just yet.

Thanks to you both for your opinions which make sense although completely opposite, I am only too aware of what lack of trust can do to a marriage as my first marriage broke down due to his infidelity, we tried to work it out but I had no faith or trust on him and I got very bitter and we broke up, 12 months later I met my current husband, and he knew the importance of being faithful and honest was to me so its kind of a double whammy when he lied to me, maybe I am dwelling on things now but when he left for work today he said he was very sorry for the hurt he caused me and now I am wondering is he sorry for getting caught and is he sorry for the friendship/relationship with that other woman?, Have to say too that I did shed a tear when I read SeanoftheDeads post, realisation is hitting in now