Your most embarrassing sex story

mossie11 · 22-12-2014 12:24PM

ziedth wrote: »

almost 12 years later I still cringe thinking about this one it's slightly graphic:

I started college shall we say on the inexperienced side. Had the one girlfriend on/off since I was 15 and with no internet in the Waterford countryside I was limited to quickies in her car so I didn't know anything outside the basics.

Anyway, young and single I somehow punched well above my weight and pulled a older fairly deadly (but obviously much more experienced) girl on our first class night out stuff done to me on the taxi back to hers that made me weak I thought I was onto a night of my life.

Fast forward a bit and we in her room and she says the words that haunt me to this day "eat my arsehole" panic sets in as I have No idea what the hell she is talking about outside of it involving her bum. I stand there for a good 30 seconds like Sherlock trying to think of all the various things she could mean. In the end she said get a move on and to this day I don't know why but I blame the drink and panic I go over and bite her arse like a horse eating an apple.

She screams and is like what the **** are you doing and is crying from the shock/pain and kicks me out straight away.

Never got near her again to her credit I don't think she told anyone else in the class and she was laughing about it a few days later and said there was a massive bruise/bite mark, we actually became pretty good friends while she was in college till she left.

Oh well, at least you are not an arse-licker

anto9 · 22-12-2014 03:33PM

bear1 wrote: »

If you read through the entire thread you will see that I have posted stories, but they involve women so I guess that's why you missed them
Banger cars? What are you on about? Don't live near Salthill either.

I done a trace on your name here and your previous posts .All that came up was a number of your previous posts on banger cars .You are also listed as living in Galway City under your name ,which is not a million miles from Salthill ,is it not ?

bear1 · 22-12-2014 03:46PM

anto9 wrote: »

I done a trace on your name here and your previous posts .All that came up was a number of your previous posts on banger cars .You are also listed as living in Galway City under your name ,which is not a million miles from Salthill ,is it not ?

You'd make a bad detective. I've made 4.5k posts, they aren't all in the bangernomics thread. I've also told I believe 1/2 stories on this thread.
Living in Galway doesn't mean I'm within walking distance to Salthill, I fail to see the relevance this has to the thread but by all means continue your "detective" work.

anto9 · 22-12-2014 04:23PM

Bear 1 ,who was talking about walking distance ?,as i was refering to a 10 minute or so drive by Banger car .I will now look back to see if you have made a revelant post on this toppic ,or not just slagging posts as i thought .

bajer101 · 22-12-2014 04:26PM

Unless this turns into an embarrassing sex story between Bear and Anto (although I don't think Bear is Anto's type), could you both just take it to PM?

bear1 · 22-12-2014 04:37PM

bajer101 wrote: »

Unless this turns into an embarrassing sex story between Bear and Anto (although I don't think Bear is Anto's type), could you both just take it to PM?

You're quite right, I didn't mean for it to be dragged off topic. Not going to bother with the PMs, he's just trying to derail the thread as much as he can and people like me get suckered into it.

Nodin · 22-12-2014 04:43PM

bajer101 wrote: »

Unless this turns into an embarrassing sex story between Bear and Anto (although I don't think Bear is Anto's type), could you both just take it to PM?

No, no. Out of the closet and into the street.

anto9 · 22-12-2014 04:57PM

bear1 wrote: »

You're quite right, I didn't mean for it to be dragged off topic. Not going to bother with the PMs, he's just trying to derail the thread as much as he can and people like me get suckered into it.

You said you talked about women before ,but the only posts of yours i could find were ,
Post something >>what happened ?<<

Post 601 >>so you cheated on your wife with a man ? <<

Post 603 .>>am sure if i decided to get a BJ and finish in a mans mouth,i may as well go the whole way <<

Your last post kind of sums you up .lol

kunst nugget · 22-12-2014 05:05PM

20Cent wrote: »

Mistook fake tan for a bottle of baby oil in the dark once. Brown handprints and streaks all over us the next morning.

Just admit it, you had a dose of the scutters and you decided to blame it on the fake tan bottle. 'Oh… em… hehe… must have used the fake tan… again…'

humanji · 22-12-2014 05:21PM

MOD: anto9, don't post in the thread again.

buck65 · 22-12-2014 05:32PM

Went out with a chick who was a twin....yep you guessed it. I rode her brother.

lanos · 22-12-2014 06:06PM

years ago i was getting head in my car (with tinted windows)
this was in a place with loads of people passing the car constantly
and for the laugh i hid my orgasm from the girl
( i now realise it is not a funny thing to do )
she had the foresight to respect the upholstery and she jumped from the car coughing and spitting everywhere
everybody stopped to check she was ok and looked in to see me quickly putting my equipment away
very embarrasing

Mister Vain · 22-12-2014 07:04PM

First time with my current girlfriend. Was doing it doggy style when I got an awful cramp in my foot. I had a good rhythm going and didn't want to stop, so I started stomping on the bottom of the bed to try and get rid of it, doing my best to keep the stomps in sync with the trusting. It looked like I was trying to start a motorbike. The spasms stopped briefly but as I was taking the lad out to change positions, I got another spasm and I ended up giving her a knee in the arse cheek. I panicked and immediately slapped her on the other cheek to make it look like the knee was intentional and that I was just fooling around. She wasn't too pleased.

worded · 23-12-2014 12:00PM

Mister Vain wrote: »

First time with my current girlfriend. Was doing it doggy style when I got an awful cramp in my foot. I had a good rhythm going and didn't want to stop, so I started stomping on the bottom of the bed to try and get rid of it, doing my best to keep the stomps in sync with the trusting. It looked like I was trying to start a motorbike. The spasms stopped briefly but as I was taking the lad out to change positions, I got another spasm and I ended up giving her a knee in the arse cheek. I panicked and immediately slapped her on the other cheek to make it look like the knee was intentional and that I was just fooling around. She wasn't too pleased.

Got to admire the improvising making all the mistakes seem like its was part of the act

dinorebel · 23-12-2014 12:07PM

worded wrote: »

Got to admire the improvising making all the mistakes seem like its was part of the act

Because letting her think you're into S&M is way better than her thinking you're clumsy:D

Barney224 · 23-12-2014 12:17PM

This is more of a "There's Something About Mary" scenario and happened years before the movie came out. Went to New York with the Mrs and Mother in law for a shopping/sight seeing trip. Landed, got to the hotel and before we were to meet to go out, myself and the wife did the business in the room. We then showered and got dressed. The mother in law then dropped down to our room to meet up. She sat on the bed and put her hand in something wet and sticky! She then asks what it was and I immediately blurted out "It's probably hair gel" and legged it back into the bathroom before I nearly split my sides laughing. It took me about half an hour before I could compose myself and come out.

worded · 23-12-2014 12:39PM

dinorebel wrote: »

Because letting her think you're into S&M is way better than her thinking you're clumsy:D

Better than her thinking he "cramp in bed"

lanos · 23-12-2014 05:02PM

anncoates wrote: »

Some of these should be moved to the creative writing forum.

judging by the number of posts you make
you seem to be a Gal with a lot to say.

could you perhaps regale us with a (preferably) true sex story

and that goes to all the others who have not posted a story yet.

Porkpie · 23-12-2014 07:10PM

The first time I had sex I farted whilst in the throes of passion. And to make matters worse we were in the missionary position! I just avoided eye contact and kept going (I was pissed, had a feed of beer).

Mister Vain · 23-12-2014 08:46PM

Porkpie wrote: »

The first time I had sex I farted whilst in the throes of passion. And to make matters worse we were in the missionary position! I just avoided eye contact and kept going (I was pissed, had a feed of beer).

It could have been worse. It could have been 69.

Timmyctc · 23-12-2014 08:51PM

lanos wrote: »

judging by the number of posts you make
you seem to be a Gal with a lot to say.

could you perhaps regale us with a (preferably) true sex story

and that goes to all the others who have not posted a story yet.

Yeah you showed her...

14 months late.

lanos · 24-12-2014 12:50AM

Timmyctc wrote: »

Yeah you showed her...

14 months late.

Not really trying to SHOW anybody
Message was really directed at the ultra conservative boardsies who are unwilling to post anything risqué. I'm glad to say I have lived a life that would shock many, but you would not suspect a fraction of it if you met me. I work with a load of conservative old biddies and they think butter wouldn't melt. I laugh to myself regularly about it.
Anyway, it is good to see that you are nurturing the thread you started so long ago.

lanos · 24-12-2014 01:01AM

Porkpie wrote: »

The first time I had sex I farted whilst in the throes of passion. And to make matters worse we were in the missionary position! I just avoided eye contact and kept going (I was pissed, had a feed of beer).

My first time was on the banks of the Shannon in castleconnell a bit after midnight on new years eve. We rolled down the bank together and ended up in 3 foot deep water. I have avoided alfresco sex ever since.

MadYaker · 24-12-2014 02:18AM

Mister Vain wrote: »

First time with my current girlfriend. Was doing it doggy style when I got an awful cramp in my foot. I had a good rhythm going and didn't want to stop, so I started stomping on the bottom of the bed to try and get rid of it, doing my best to keep the stomps in sync with the trusting. It looked like I was trying to start a motorbike. The spasms stopped briefly but as I was taking the lad out to change positions, I got another spasm and I ended up giving her a knee in the arse cheek. I panicked and immediately slapped her on the other cheek to make it look like the knee was intentional and that I was just fooling around. She wasn't too pleased.

:pac: this has to be one of the funniest threads on boards, I honestly can't stop laughing!

Dont call me Shirley · 24-12-2014 02:57AM

I could've sworn that chicken was dead....

adam88 · 25-12-2014 07:13PM

lanos wrote: »

Not really trying to SHOW anybody
Message was really directed at the ultra conservative boardsies who are unwilling to post anything risqué. I'm glad to say I have lived a life that would shock many, but you would not suspect a fraction of it if you met me. I work with a load of conservative old biddies and they think butter wouldn't melt. I laugh to myself regularly about it.
Anyway, it is good to see that you are nurturing the thread you started so long ago.

Haha. I know the feeling. Sometimes I need to stop to fix my halo

Sh1tbag OToole · 25-12-2014 10:28PM

lanos wrote: »

Not really trying to SHOW anybody
Message was really directed at the ultra conservative boardsies who are unwilling to post anything risqué. I'm glad to say I have lived a life that would shock many, but you would not suspect a fraction of it if you met me. I work with a load of conservative old biddies and they think butter wouldn't melt. I laugh to myself regularly about it.
Anyway, it is good to see that you are nurturing the thread you started so long ago.

Shhh.. the 'ultra conservative boardsies' you speak of are actually fake accounts owned by the local social club where oldies come to laugh their holes off at your posts while enjoying some cork dry gin and some weed after the mass and bingo

Crooked Jack · 29-12-2014 07:40PM

mossie11 wrote: »

Oh well, at least you are not an arse-licker

What's wrong with arse licking?

irish_goat · 30-12-2014 04:29PM

Slightly funny one I just remember myself.

Had a couple of drinks in me and was going at it doggy style in the girlfriend's room. She has a wardrobe with a full length mirror on it and when I glanced at it, for some reason, I decide to do a raised fist in the air and give myself a manly nod of approval. Didn't realise she was also looking in the mirror and she bursts out laughing asking me what the **** I'm doing. Tried to play it off that I knew she was looking and only did it for a laugh but I'm pretty sure she wasn't convinced.

:pac:

Mister Vain · 30-12-2014 07:12PM

irish_goat wrote: »

Slightly funny one I just remember myself.

Had a couple of drinks in me and was going at it doggy style in the girlfriend's room. She has a wardrobe with a full length mirror on it and when I glanced at it, for some reason, I decide to do a raised fist in the air and give myself a manly nod of approval. Didn't realise she was also looking in the mirror and she bursts out laughing asking me what the **** I'm doing. Tried to play it off that I knew she was looking and only did it for a laugh but I'm pretty sure she wasn't convinced.

:pac:

Haha that's brilliant. Reminds of the sex scene from American Psycho. :pac:

Your most embarrassing sex story

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