Your most embarrassing sex story

FudgeBrownie · 13-04-2014 03:17AM

pone2012 wrote: »

First time i had sex with my now ex gf

I was a few days off a fight so i was cutting weight pretty well (about 10% bf)

It was the first time in a few months for me..so we literally had a marathon session (from 10pm-5am)

about halfway through I reached into my bag and pulled out a tin of tuna and a tupperware of brocolli and began to chow down

im glad she saw the funny side to it, funny enough my dedication appeared to arouse her! :P

still cant believe i did that

You big legend...

JaseBelleVie · 17-12-2014 11:17AM

Just discovered this thread. Man, it's hilarious, cringe-worthy and disgusting in equal measure.

My story (and it is tame compared to most!):

Back when I was in uni, I was renting a house with 3 of my friends. One weekend, I thought they were all gone home. Myself and the missus of the time decided to stay up and have a weekend of junk food and sex.

After a Friday night in the local pub, we spent the rest of the night going at it like rabbits. We were very loud, as we assumed we were alone. The next morning, I wandered down to the kitchen, in all my naked glory. I was slightly hungover and sporting some lovely love bites on my neck and shoulders.

Into the kitchen. I checked to see what we could have for breakfast. I then wandered into the sitting room.

There, sitting on his laptop, was one of my housemates. He hadn't gone home for the weekend. He'd heard EVERYTHING last night and he now got a great look at me in all of my nakedness.

From then on, we always checked to see if we were definitely alone before we started anything.

canonball5 · 17-12-2014 11:52AM

A couple of years ago I was in The Village and got chatting to this South American. After about 20 mins she suggested that we go back to my place and have a drink.

I couldn't get out of the place fast enough. We go back to mine and do the business. She only wanted it from behind which was fine with me. After we finish up she asks for a glass of water, as I'm searching on the floor for my boxers what do I find??

Her f**king arm.

It turns out she only had one arm and I was too concerned with getting my hole that I never noticed her false arm. I was initally relieved, the thought had entered my head that I was actually that good in bed that her arm fell off!!

I had to ride her the weekend after, I didn't want her to think I was racist!

sbsquarepants · 17-12-2014 12:07PM

canonball5 wrote: »

I was initally relieved, the thought had entered my head that I was actually that good in bed that her arm fell off!!

Fúck you cannonball, I now have an office full of people looking at me and wondering why I'm laughing instead of working!

anto9 · 17-12-2014 12:21PM

Had a Ladyboy one night stand ,ask me '' if i loved her'' W.T.F ....LOL.

Badly Drunk Boy · 17-12-2014 12:45PM

canonball5 wrote: »

I had to ride her the weekend after, I didn't want her to think I was racist!

I don't think one-armed people are a race... :pac:

(Although you can have a 3-legged race.)

podgemonster · 17-12-2014 02:58PM

When I was 17, the girlfriend drove over to my house in the back of beyond one night. My parents were out. As we rarely had this opportunity we proceeded with haste to the bedroom. After plenty of teen dry humping, we both drop our undergarments and I roll on a condom. Just as we are about to attempt entry I hear the familiar sound of tyres on gravel and realize we have visitors.

With lightning speed we dress and head to the kitchen. We are sitting casually by the kitchen table where we politely greet my Mother. I make tea and make casual conversation with them both. Eventually my GF decides she will head home and I walk her out to her car, as she's a bit nervous about our dog. We embrace and I apologize for my mothers interruption and see her on her way.

I return in and resume conversation with the Mammy. Sometime during our chat I realize I never took off the condom and discreetly check to see if it was still in it's original place. It was gone.

While remaining composed on the outside, inside I was panicking. My eyes scanned the kitchen where I had been making tea, i looked down the hall too, nothing. I starting strolling round the kitchen looking at the chairs. My mother now is beginning to notice my distraction. I made an excuse and decide to check outside where I walked my GF to the car.

But there was nothing there except the dog. Looking up at me and chewing on something. I came back in and then it hit me. The Dog! I open the door and again and there he was, our pure bred Spaniel munching on a condom. As I approached, the Dog ran off and I left it as a lost cause. Now fully confident and relieved that my mother didn't find a condom on the Kitchen floor. I was in the clear.

Until 2 days later when the dog shát the condom out on the back porch and my mother found it.

anto9 · 17-12-2014 03:06PM

podgemonster wrote: »

When I was 17, the girlfriend drove over to my house in the back of beyond one night. My parents were out. As we rarely had this opportunity we proceeded with haste to the bedroom. After plenty of teen dry humping, we both drop our undergarments and I roll on a condom. Just as we are about to attempt entry I hear the familiar sound of tyres on gravel and realize we have visitors.

With lightning speed we dress and head to the kitchen. We are sitting casually by the kitchen table where we politely greet my Mother. I make tea and make casual conversation with them both. Eventually my GF decides she will head home and I walk her out to her car, as she's a bit nervous about our dog. We embrace and I apologize for my mothers interruption and see her on her way.

I return in and resume conversation with the Mammy. Sometime during our chat I realize I never took off the condom and discreetly check to see if it was still in it's original place. It was gone.

While remaining composed on the outside, inside I was panicking. My eyes scanned the kitchen where I had been making tea, i looked down the hall too, nothing. I starting strolling round the kitchen looking at the chairs. My mother now is beginning to notice my distraction. I made an excuse and decide to check outside where I walked my GF to the car.

But there was nothing there except the dog. Looking up at me and chewing on something. I came back in and then it hit me. The Dog! I open the door and again and there he was, our pure bred Spaniel munching on a condom. As I approached, the Dog ran off and I left it as a lost cause. Now fully confident and relieved that my mother didn't find a condom on the Kitchen floor. I was in the clear.

Until 2 days later when the dog shát the condom out on the back porch and my mother found it.

Thats the best story by far so far .lol

bear1 · 17-12-2014 03:17PM

anto9 wrote: »

Had a Ladyboy one night stand ,ask me '' if i loved her'' W.T.F ....LOL.

You banged a shemale? LOL!

Bogwoppit · 17-12-2014 03:29PM

anto9 wrote: »

Thats the best story by far so far .lol

You haven't read much of this thread so!

podgemonster · 17-12-2014 03:35PM

anto9 wrote: »

Thats the best story by far so far .lol

Thanks but in fairness there are superior cringe quality stories in this thread. My particular favorite is the Lemsip one.

dinorebel · 17-12-2014 04:33PM

Pulled a girl while on a mates stag night ended up back at her place had some drunken sex then got woken up an hour or so later by the girls screams.Had got up for a piss and somehow managed to do the deed in her underwear drawer not my finest hour.

bear1 · 17-12-2014 04:40PM

dinorebel wrote: »

Pulled a girl while on a mates stag night ended up back at her place had some drunken sex then got woken up an hour or so later by the girls screams.Had got up for a piss and somehow managed to do the deed in her underwear drawer not my finest hour.

Sounds a bit like that Inbetweeners episode

dinorebel · 17-12-2014 05:27PM

bear1 wrote: »

Sounds a bit like that Inbetweeners episode

Not my 1st time peeing where I shouldn't but hopefully the last.

anto9 · 18-12-2014 05:16AM

bear1 wrote: »

You banged a shemale? LOL!

No ,a Tranny banged me lol (in reality it was just a B.J.C.I.M.:D)

kunst nugget · 18-12-2014 10:20AM

anto9 wrote: »

Had a Ladyboy one night stand ,ask me '' if i loved her'' W.T.F ....LOL.

Who was she referring to? Because if they were asking if you loved them surely they would have referred to themselves in the first person, i.e. 'Do you love me?'

anto9 · 18-12-2014 11:31AM

kunst nugget wrote: »

Who was she referring to? Because if they were asking if you loved them surely they would have referred to themselves in the first person, i.e. 'Do you love me?'

I said it correctly ,in relaying my story .On reading it back it sounds correct to me .Now do you have a sex story or you just spend your time analyzing language grammer ? :rolleyes:

boardsuser1 · 18-12-2014 11:43AM

Broken banjo **shakes head ** on the plus side of it sex is much much easier, was painful beforehand, avoided a circumcision thank god

Feelgood · 18-12-2014 11:48AM

There used to be a section in Viz comic years ago about embarrassing sex stories.

One in particular stuck with me. Some guy scored down the local pub on a Saturday night, back to the chicks gaff. Whipped off her bra and started sucking away at her nips. All of a sudden he got a massive mouthful of warm liquid. Thought it was breast milk, asked her if she just had a baby, she didn't.

Turns out she has massive zit on her boob and he just sucked it dry

adam88 · 18-12-2014 12:15PM

anto9 wrote: »

No ,a Tranny banged me lol (in reality it was just a B.J.C.I.M.:D)

Bjcim ????

Ash.J.Williams · 18-12-2014 12:38PM

adam88 wrote: »

Bjcim ????

he paid a bloke to allow him to do a sex wee in his mouth i guess?

dinorebel · 18-12-2014 12:58PM

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

he paid a bloke to allow him to do a sex wee in his mouth i guess?

Brutal but accurate:D

anto9 · 18-12-2014 01:26PM

adam88 wrote: »

Bjcim ????

on reflection i should have said ,B.B.B.J.C.I.M. (BARE BACK BLOW JOB CUM IN MOUTH .LOL

anto9 · 18-12-2014 01:29PM

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

he paid a bloke to allow him to do a sex wee in his mouth i guess?

Bloke ?........No Tranny ,not a cross dressing man .( tranny .. person who looks better looking and more Feminine than most average women ,i.e,big boobs and arse ,thick long hair ) but has a Cock .:p ..and yes i paid .About the same as what a Cinema ticket costs in Ireland .

dinorebel · 18-12-2014 01:43PM

anto9 wrote: »

Bloke ?........No Tranny .( person who looks better looking and more Feminine than most average women ,i.e,big boobs and arse ,thick long hair ) but has a Cock .:p

For most of us that would be the deal breaker.

bear1 · 18-12-2014 02:05PM

anto9 wrote: »

on reflection i should have said ,B.B.B.J.C.I.M. (BARE BACK BLOW JOB CUM IN MOUTH .LOL

Isn't bare back where you have sex without a condom?
So you banged a ladyboy without a condom, got blown and blew it in his mouth?

anto9 wrote: »

Bloke ?........No Tranny ,not a cross dressing man .( tranny .. person who looks better looking and more Feminine than most average women ,i.e,big boobs and arse ,thick long hair ) but has a Cock .:p ..and yes i paid .About the same as what a Cinema ticket costs in Ireland .

A transexual is born with the characteristics of the opposite sex.
So if the person you had sex with had a willy then that person was born a man but his brain recognises himself as being female.
In essence it is a man you had sex with. Would a genuine woman not have been cheaper?
The arse and big boobs are fake btw

Each to their own anyway

bear1 · 18-12-2014 02:06PM

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

he paid a bloke to allow him to do a sex wee in his mouth i guess?

*shivers*

anto9 · 18-12-2014 02:18PM

>>Would a genuine woman not have been cheaper?<<

Sex with my wife works out far more expensive in the long run ,(she is not a Tranny B.T.W ) .

dinorebel · 18-12-2014 02:36PM

anto9 wrote: »

>>Would a genuine woman not have been cheaper?<<

Sex with my wife works out far more expensive in the long run ,(she is not a Tranny B.T.W ) .

After seeing this "B.B.B.J.C.I.M" I dread to think what B.T.W stands for in your world.

bear1 · 18-12-2014 02:44PM

anto9 wrote: »

>>Would a genuine woman not have been cheaper?<<

Sex with my wife works out far more expensive in the long run ,(she is not a Tranny B.T.W ) .

So you cheated on your wife.... with a man? :pac:

Your most embarrassing sex story

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