Funeral for a newly born?

The One Doctor · 04-11-2014 08:06PM

WhiteWalls wrote: »

I know its very morbid talk for this time of the night but I was talking to friend of mine tonight who was telling me that he has to go to a funeral tomorrow. He said his first cousin gave birth to a baby but after complications it sadly died after two days.

He said its going to be like a normal funeral with a removal, mass and burial. I am not trying to offend anybody but I was just surprised that I never heard of this happening before? I thought it was just a small ceremony among the family.

I hope I don't offend anybody from what I said.

First thing is not to use the word 'it' when talking to the parents. The baby was male or female.

Son Of A Vidic · 04-11-2014 08:14PM

BlaasForRafa wrote: »

Until the last decade or so the churches attitude towards stillborns and babies that died very young was pretty callous

Tell me about it. My parents (RIP) buried several babies before I came along

. Thankfully my Dad had the presence of mind to erect his own white cross for his kids. And years later we could find the spot. But it's quite sad to see it, it's a part of the cemetery were little babies were just anonymously put in the ground.

sheesh · 04-11-2014 08:40PM

just for the record my mothers first baby 50 years ago died soon after birth, he was buried in the family plot. I suppose he was baptised as soon as they found out he would not survive. in emergencies anybody and any water will do is what we were told in religion class.

17larsson · 04-11-2014 09:49PM

Fair play to God for changing his mind on allowing un-baptised babies up to heaven. The church had/has so many stupid ideas

Ghekko · 04-11-2014 10:00PM

Our firstborn died 15 years ago. We had his funeral organised before he was born. Heart wrenching stuff. Mother would ring and ask if yet another person could come. The day we left the hospital, coffin in dh's hands, we got to my parents house, laid the coffin on the kitchen table and the local Monsignor arrived - organised by family. He was very emotional as were all the 30 or so people that turned up at the house. We didn't go to the church. I think it was a case of our baby had no sin so didn't necessarily need a mass, but it was lovely to have a few prayers round the kitchen table all the same! When I think back to that day, I was in the bathroom and my aunt was at the bottom of the stairs calling me cos everyone was there. Dh was outside the bathroom door fit to be tied and telling her I would be a few minutes. The graveyard attracted even more people, despite the cold weather. Then back to the house again for food. Surreal now. I can almost laugh about it all. I don't really think Dh and I had any part in it if memory serves me correctly. I was too busy grieving my son to care what went on around me. I do know others who had the church mass. I really don't think I would have been physically able for it, let alone emotionally. Anyway, that's my tuppence worth.

Hermy · 04-11-2014 10:08PM

Ghekko wrote: »

...The day we left the hospital, coffin in dh's hands, we got to my parents house, laid the coffin on the kitchen table...

I'm really struck by this line.
What a thing to have to do.
Life can be so terribly, terribly cruel.:(

looksee · 04-11-2014 10:47PM

We lost a baby at 14 months - we knew it was inevitable from him being just a few weeks old - but I absolutely cannot remember anything about the funeral, I am pretty sure there was not a Mass, but I do know that I didn't want a hearse. The funeral directors brought a red station-wagon type car came (this was 35 years ago) and I was content with that. I remember us being in the graveyard for the burial with two neighbours, the older children 6 and 5 were at school.

You absolutely cannot criticise or question parents' decisions at a time like this, they are on auto-pilot and decisions are made with a very superficial part of consciousness.

Steven81 · 04-11-2014 11:07PM

Too many painful memories reading this thread, remember waking up so many nights with the wife crying or being downstairs looking at scan pictures.

mrsbyrne · 04-11-2014 11:20PM

Undertakere where I live don't charge for the funerals of small babies. I wish peace and comfort and love to any parents on this thread who have suffered losing a child.

minibear · 04-11-2014 11:49PM

Our first baby died during labour (full term) four years ago. We had known he probably wouldn't survive for long after the birth, but as it happened we never got to see him open his eyes. After I got home from the hospital it started to snow, and by the time we were to collect him from the hospital the following week (after post mortem) we couldn't get there because the roads were too bad. A week after I left the hospital we got him home. The priest had been booked to say some prayers at the graveside and they had to dig the snow away to make a pathway to the grave. The only people we asked to attend were both our sets of parents.The graveyard is right beside our house and we formed a sad little procession in the snow, with my husband carrying our son's coffin. A neighbour was walking by and I will never forget her face when she realised what she was looking at.

Some couples have a full mass, some just themselves, it really is such a personal thing. I was glad of the snow in the end, it was surreal, this beautiful brightness and there was no traffic, no one to see our suffering. As another poster said, you can't play the person's favourite song, or bring their running shoes to the altar. you're grieving for every little thing that person will never get the chance to do.

Back in April I was listening to Sunday Miscellany and heard this poem by Peter Fallon. I couldn't find it anywhere online so I transcribed it from the podcast.

The Man Who Never Was
by Peter Fallon

You are taken aback

Caught off guard

by that near quotidien attack

and he's here again with you

The one who never was a man

Still a brother

Still a son

Is he his elder sibling's unspoken grief?

You stop to wonder

Unmeasured loss who might have been the journeys taken

Oh would that it had been

That he could reach up a hand

As that same brother did

and sister would without a glance

And know that mine was there to take it

So that she might not be so exposed,

His mother, in face of warning

Worn out already

her cross too much to bear.

No need defer with her

I'll hold you in the morning.

Now I rolled out a dream of him

His quirks and qualities

A gift for this or that

Success on this team or that

Or none. As I sit and wait

As if, for something to happen.

But what that is, is fate

And has already come to pass completely

And made the man who never was

No, was a boy, was but a fleeting baby

who'd be a man, who's twenty three.

mrsbyrne · 05-11-2014 12:04AM

That's s beautiful poem. Time goess by so quickly after our loved ones die but yhe pain can be as sudden and sharp years and years later.

jimgoose · 05-11-2014 12:13AM

“Lo, there do I see my father.
Lo, there do I see my mother,
and my sisters, and my brothers.
Lo, there do I see the line of my people,
Back to the beginning!

Lo, they do call to me.
They bid me take my place among them,
In the halls of Valhalla!
Where the brave may live forever!”

― The Viking Prayer.

Hermy · 05-11-2014 12:53AM

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Undertakere where I live don't charge for the funerals of small babies.

That's a nice thing to do.

ProudDUB · 05-11-2014 01:51AM

My older brother died when he was just 3 days old. He was buried in an unmarked grave in the Angels Plot up in Glasnevin. My dad would have liked a proper funeral. My mother just went along with what the chaplain in the hospital said would be done. That's what happened back then, in the 1960's. People just did what they were told. It's different now, thankfully.

I think that if you find yourself in a situation where you are around people who are mourning the death of a little one, it is important to just respect the parents wishes, at all times. Every set of parents will be different. Some will want a big "proper" funeral. Some will want something smaller. Some will be so consumed by grief & shock, that they don't know what the eff they want, so they'll go along with what others suggest.

So just respect what ever they do. If it strikes you as odd or weird or over the top or whatever, just let it go and keep your mouth shut and your heart open. The parents and the extended family will be going thru a godawful time. The last thing they need at such a difficult time, is people passing remarks and being judgmental behind their backs.

05-11-2014 02:46AM

Very sorry to hear about the stories here. My own mother had a miscarriage after her 3rd child before I was born (early to mid 80's) but she doesn't speak a word of it. I was born in 1989 and was the 4th and am the youngest child.

I don't know how my parents approached the situation back then and I don't know what to say to anyone here but my heart goes out to ye.

namelessone · 17-11-2014 02:16AM

I had aittle baby who dies shlrtly after birth. when born they knew he wouldnt survive so the lriest was called in straight away by the midwife to baptise him and I not even there coz I had a section! this was only 12 years ago... goes to show the Catholic church is still pretty strong in the hospitals
anyway we had him laid out in a private room in the hospital for 2days..I had the keys to the rrom so I could bring in anyone I wanted to see him. then we had mass the third day in the hospital church and onto the cemetery. people did just turn up to it.. like any other funeral. I didnt mind.. they were all friends and family anyway. I think if things were different and I hadnt been just after a section and unable to barely walk id like to have had a proper wake and lay him out at home.

Funeral for a newly born?

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