Time to change my life around for the better minus drink.

Abcxyz12345 · 15-10-2014 11:39PM

Hi,
I feel like I need to try AA but I keep thinking that I'm not bad enough. So I don't know if it's for me. I don't want to drink. I hadn't for the past 2 months & felt very anxious re what would happen if I did drink. I feel so stressed & agitated all the time. Last night I felt such peace when I decided to drink. Id half a bottle of vodka & also self harmed while drunk-something I havnt done in 15 years. I'm drinking again now. I sat outside an AA meeting last night, before drinking, for ages & then let the time pass & left. I just couldn't go in. My da is an alcoholic & when he drank he would end be off the scale - lost jobs, hospitalized etc. I just keep feeling Im not that bad. No one knows how I'm drinking so everyone thinks I'm fine. My behavior doesn't cause difficulties for others. Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or advice. Id appreciate it. I read this forum a lot though I've never posted. Thank you

marienbad · 16-10-2014 12:16AM

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

Hi,
I feel like I need to try AA but I keep thinking that I'm not bad enough. So I don't know if it's for me. I don't want to drink. I hadn't for the past 2 months & felt very anxious re what would happen if I did drink. I feel so stressed & agitated all the time. Last night I felt such peace when I decided to drink. Id half a bottle of vodka & also self harmed while drunk-something I havnt done in 15 years. I'm drinking again now. I sat outside an AA meeting last night, before drinking, for ages & then let the time pass & left. I just couldn't go in. My da is an alcoholic & when he drank he would end be off the scale - lost jobs, hospitalized etc. I just keep feeling Im not that bad. No one knows how I'm drinking so everyone thinks I'm fine. My behavior doesn't cause difficulties for others. Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or advice. Id appreciate it. I read this forum a lot though I've never posted. Thank you

'The only requirement for membership is a strong desire to stop drinking'- that is a quote from the original AA Big Book. from the 1930's .

One of the few changes ever made to the text of that book - and this was done for the 2nd edition - was to take out the word 'strong' so the line now reads 'the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking'

And if you have that then you belong , forget the notion of Skid Row and brown paper bags, though it can and will come to that or something similar. Loads of my compadres in AA never crashed a car or slept rough or got fired or beat their partners or any other dramatic happenings you describe with your Da. At least not yet .

Something that was said to me in my early AA days was to imagine alcoholism like a lift , only instead of going up it was going down and we had to decide which floor to get out . Some were able to do so after 2 floors , which might be a warning from the doctor .Others on the 3rd floor which might be a warning at work , and so on down past the 10 and 11th floors , those pits of despair and self-loathing where we are lucky if Hope can still reach us.

It is not for me to say which floor another human being is on , but if you are self harming , you need professional help now and you will not find yourself alone at an AA meeting.

GerB40 · 16-10-2014 12:17AM

mickydoomsux wrote: »

Have had a few very bad weeks. Drank most nights out of pure habit, I don't crave it at all. I generally don't have much, maybe 4 cans, but it's still WAY over the recommended.

The thing that is worrying me is that I'm buying the cheapest drink available now (Druids cider or wacky Eastern European muck) so I'm subconsciously realising what a waste of cash it is but I'm still doing it. Also, I've gained nearly 2 stone since this time last year and I'm starting to look and feel crap again.

I know I can stop completely if I want because I've done it easily before but then after a while I decide I'll have a few some night and I'm back in the habit again before I realise it.

Starting today I'm just going to quit it again and really aim to stick to it this time rather than thinking I'm 'alright to have a few' in a months time

You remind me of me four or five years ago. Saying fùck it, a few tins won't do any harm, buying cheap shyte because I could buy more, gaining weight, that was me...

You say you don't crave it at all (I'm about to say something that you mightn't like, and if I'm wrong I apologise unreservedly) but it seems like a case of denial.. You realise your drinking isn't right and you're in a very lucky position to nip it in the bud before it becomes worse.
You sound self aware enough to improve your life.

Again, if I'm wrong I'm sorry. The beginning of your post reminded me so much of me that I'd hate for you to end up like I did.. Best wishes Mickey☺

Edit: Totally off topic but I've been on The Evil Within thread too and I noticed you're not a fan. So there's at least one difference between us....

GerB40 · 16-10-2014 12:22AM

auldgranny wrote: »

Had a terrible weekend. Drank fri sat and sunday. Missed work monday due to drink. Got completely hammered last night and still feel terrible today. I am going to stop now because I have to. I am killing myself. Day number one.

PM Me if you want to talk. I'm no expert but apparently talking helps.. Stay strong, you've an army of support here.

Amazingfun · 16-10-2014 02:43AM

There's really only two things that make someone an "alcoholic of our type" in AA:

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.

1. The body: when we take the drink, the drink takes us.

2. The mind: the utter and baffling inability to leave drink alone, no matter how many times we've failed in trying to control it in the past.

Be honest with yourself. Think back over your drinking life and ask yourself if these two descriptions fit. If so, you indeed may be one of us

KeefF · 16-10-2014 05:53PM

Sick with myself today. Same mistakes over and over. Have been goin back out nearly every weekend since June - with same results.
Going back to AA this weekend for first time since June. While its not perfect its the only thing that seems to get me any prolonged period dry -pain pain pain.

Amazingfun · 16-10-2014 08:54PM

KeefF wrote: »

Sick with myself today. Same mistakes over and over. Have been goin back out nearly every weekend since June - with same results.
Going back to AA this weekend for first time since June. While its not perfect its the only thing that seems to get me any prolonged period dry -pain pain pain.

Welcome back , I'd been wondering what you were up to, glad yer still alive n kickin

Back in AA's early days Dr. Bob would ask returning slippers :
"Are you really licked this time"?

Carpet diem · 16-10-2014 09:13PM

KeefF wrote: »

Sick with myself today. Same mistakes over and over. Have been goin back out nearly every weekend since June - with same results.
Going back to AA this weekend for first time since June. While its not perfect its the only thing that seems to get me any prolonged period dry -pain pain pain.

Its not easy KeefF otherwise we be all at it! Good to hear from you and that you are back. Probably same story myself really

Carpet diem · 16-10-2014 09:42PM

Amazingfun wrote: »

Welcome back , I'd been wondering what you were up to, glad yer still alive n kickin

Back in AA's early days Dr. Bob would ask returning slippers :
"Are you really licked this time"?

That's the thing us guys never know when we are fully licked. Really don't!

marienbad · 16-10-2014 09:48PM

Carpet diem wrote: »

That's the thing us guys never know when we are fully licked. Really don't!

Well you can - just for today.

Carpet diem · 16-10-2014 09:50PM

marienbad wrote: »

Well you can - just for today.

Mind have a funny way of remembering good times and very little of bad times.

Doublin · 16-10-2014 10:14PM

Carpet diem wrote: »

That's the thing us guys never know when we are fully licked. Really don't!

True, well hopefully something positive can come of these type of open discussions like these that open the true consequences involved with this. I for one am glad I went back here and feel I can talk about where I am. Thanks..

Carpet diem · 16-10-2014 10:17PM

Definitely lot busier forum these days with the clock going back soon

KeefF · 16-10-2014 10:40PM

I've spent the last 3 months out looking for something that I will never find as a drunken lout. Catch - 22 = feeling sorry for myself sitting home alone on a Sat night - then I go out drink and i'm a mess and no good to anyone. So at this stage I'm way better dealing with loneliness etc than having to deal with the torment that has come with getting arrested, doing drugs, thrown out of clubs & pubs, spending thousands, missing work and telling lies to really good people and having no piece of mind in last 3 months.
Time to stop - I'm lucky I do have family close, a good job, own home, I am fit and reasonably healthy. But once I have a drink I am a changed man and I lose sight off the things that are important to me and I can lose 2-3 days in a blur. I need to take full responsibility for my life now.

Carpet diem · 16-10-2014 10:54PM

KeefF wrote: »

I've spent the last 3 months out looking for something that I will never find as a drunken lout. Catch - 22 = feeling sorry for myself sitting home alone on a Sat night - then I go out drink and i'm a mess and no good to anyone. So at this stage I'm way better dealing with loneliness etc than having to deal with the torment that has come with getting arrested, doing drugs, thrown out of clubs & pubs, spending thousands, missing work and telling lies to really good people and having no piece of mind in last 3 months.
Time to stop - I'm lucky I do have family close, a good job, own home, I am fit and reasonably healthy. But once I have a drink I am a changed man and I lose sight off the things that are important to me and I can lose 2-3 days in a blur. I need to take full responsibility for my life now.

I was thinking of that this evening. What do I really want in life that will make me happy.
- Money Ya but that's only short term so no
- ..Need to fill in the blank here really.

Amazingfun · 17-10-2014 12:54AM

Carpet diem wrote: »

I was thinking of that this evening. What do I really want in life that will make me happy.
- Money Ya but that's only short term so no
- ..Need to fill in the blank here really.

One of my fav sayings since I came back is "AA is not a self help program-it's a self-forgetting program".

Lots of fun paradoxes on this sober path.....;)

KeefF · 17-10-2014 10:09AM

Walking into work, nice suit tie and jacket, brief case in hand. Lucky as I am - I feel like a fraud with the torment pounding in my head.
But 3 days sober - onwards and upwards.

Carpet diem · 17-10-2014 01:33PM

KeefF wrote: »

Walking into work, nice suit tie and jacket, brief case in hand. Lucky as I am - I feel like a fraud with the torment pounding in my head.
But 3 days sober - onwards and upwards.

Everybody has problems. No matter where you work or not, where you are from , where you live, What you do, what your outlook in life is.

It's how we deal with them problems in life is how we define ourselves.

Abcxyz12345 · 17-10-2014 09:21PM

Hi, thank you Marienbad for your reply. Appreciate it. The 'lift' example was good. I think my understanding of 'an alcoholic' has obviously been influenced by my father... If you don't end up in Loman's then you're probably not actually an alcoholic that needs AA! I've been thinking a lot about going to a meeting. I'm still drinking daily & feel like I'm about to snap until I can. I do know that's not good. Thank you again. This forum is good too.

marienbad · 17-10-2014 10:40PM

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

Hi, thank you Marienbad for your reply. Appreciate it. The 'lift' example was good. I think my understanding of 'an alcoholic' has obviously been influenced by my father... If you don't end up in Loman's then you're probably not actually an alcoholic that needs AA! I've been thinking a lot about going to a meeting. I'm still drinking daily & feel like I'm about to snap until I can. I do know that's not good. Thank you again. This forum is good too.

It takes all kinds to make a AA group and their is no single definition .You will find yourself more than welcome and what have you to lose ?

auldgranny · 17-10-2014 11:37PM

Day 3 fingers crossed I will do weekend.

KeefF · 18-10-2014 01:47PM

auldgranny wrote: »

Day 3 fingers crossed I will do weekend.

Fair play to you & best of luck.
I will not drink this weekend because of the 3 day binge I did last weekend. That's the way it goes for me 3-4 weeks off it then a binge and carnage. I think though this time I am well and truly beaten. I need to take full responsibility and not care what anyone else thinks - I need to stay sober for myself or else I could end up really and truly f***ed up.

Abcxyz12345 · 18-10-2014 10:38PM

marienbad wrote: »

It takes all kinds to make a AA group and their is no single definition .You will find yourself more than welcome and what have you to lose ?

I thought all day about 'what have I to lose'? All I thought about was what if I see someone I know at a meeting & then they'll know I'm not coping... That was my worry. I did go to my first AA meeting this evening. I was beyond anxious going in. I was actually outside a mtg at 4pm & couldn't go in then so I went back a few hours later for the next one.

I don't know what I was expecting. Everyone else there a lot older than me (by 20/30yrs) & there was just 1 woman there (I'm female). They were friendly but I'm not sure about it. I did make a deal with myself though that if I actually went into a meeting, I wouldn't buy alcohol tonight & Ive stuck to that... So in that way it's been positive - thank you

KeefF · 18-10-2014 11:26PM

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

I thought all day about 'what have I to lose'? All I thought about was what if I see someone I know at a meeting & then they'll know I'm not coping... That was my worry. I did go to my first AA meeting this evening. I was beyond anxious going in. I was actually outside a mtg at 4pm & couldn't go in then so I went back a few hours later for the next one.

I don't know what I was expecting. Everyone else there a lot older than me (by 20/30yrs) & there was just 1 woman there (I'm female). They were friendly but I'm not sure about it. I did make a deal with myself though that if I actually went into a meeting, I wouldn't buy alcohol tonight & Ive stuck to that... So in that way it's been positive - thank you

Well Done! That'sa big step

marienbad · 18-10-2014 11:28PM

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

I thought all day about 'what have I to lose'? All I thought about was what if I see someone I know at a meeting & then they'll know I'm not coping... That was my worry. I did go to my first AA meeting this evening. I was beyond anxious going in. I was actually outside a mtg at 4pm & couldn't go in then so I went back a few hours later for the next one.

I don't know what I was expecting. Everyone else there a lot older than me (by 20/30yrs) & there was just 1 woman there (I'm female). They were friendly but I'm not sure about it. I did make a deal with myself though that if I actually went into a meeting, I wouldn't buy alcohol tonight & Ive stuck to that... So in that way it's been positive - thank you

Keep coming. Try different groups until you find the one best suited to you .
And never worry about meeting someone you know , they are there for the same reasons you are .

Remember, what have you to lose ?

Carpet diem · 19-10-2014 09:39AM

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

I thought all day about 'what have I to lose'? All I thought about was what if I see someone I know at a meeting & then they'll know I'm not coping... That was my worry. I did go to my first AA meeting this evening. I was beyond anxious going in. I was actually outside a mtg at 4pm & couldn't go in then so I went back a few hours later for the next one.

I don't know what I was expecting. Everyone else there a lot older than me (by 20/30yrs) & there was just 1 woman there (I'm female). They were friendly but I'm not sure about it. I did make a deal with myself though that if I actually went into a meeting, I wouldn't buy alcohol tonight & Ive stuck to that... So in that way it's been positive - thank you

Definitely try different times until you find a suitable age group that you feel comfortable with. It does make a huge difference when sharing and listening to others stories that you can relate too.

Sunnyisland · 19-10-2014 10:26AM

As others have said here abcxy keep trying different meetings, I remember there was one I used to go to, and it was more like a stay back in a pub than a AA meeting :-)

And even if you don't follow to the AA rules it's great to be around Like minded people who more or less have the same goal and issues as you, you are not alone out there, Unfortunally there are thousands of us.

Abcxyz12345 · 19-10-2014 03:17PM

Thank you all for the advice and kind words. I really do appreciate it. I will try another meeting. Today I feel so on edge & am getting upset easily in myself. I know it's probably because I've no alcohol in me too.

Thank you so much Marienbad for the 'what have you got to lose' advice. I've been thinking a lot about that. At the moment it's probably just 'losing face' but I'm worried I could lose a lot more if I keep going the way I'm going.

Thank you too Realies. At about 3pm yesterday I was really upset. Id cleaned the house to keep busy & that was all done. I was checking this thread again when I saw you had 'bumped' 2 threads you had written a few years ago. They were brilliant. I got up & out of the house then as I knew there was a meeting at 4pm. While I didn't go into that one, I did go back later. Thank you

marienbad · 19-10-2014 03:49PM

Abcxyz12345 wrote: »

Thank you all for the advice and kind words. I really do appreciate it. I will try another meeting. Today I feel so on edge & am getting upset easily in myself. I know it's probably because I've no alcohol in me too.

Thank you so much Marienbad for the 'what have you got to lose' advice. I've been thinking a lot about that. At the moment it's probably just 'losing face' but I'm worried I could lose a lot more if I keep going the way I'm going.

Thank you too Realies. At about 3pm yesterday I was really upset. Id cleaned the house to keep busy & that was all done. I was checking this thread again when I saw you had 'bumped' 2 threads you had written a few years ago. They were brilliant. I got up & out of the house then as I knew there was a meeting at 4pm. While I didn't go into that one, I did go back later. Thank you

People in the meetings just don't care about things like 'losing face' so cross off that worry. If you are worried about friends and family finding out I can totally understand that. In my early days I was paranoid about them finding out, funnily enough not because they would know about my drinking- everyone already did - but because I was afraid of public failure . And it was my right as it is an anonymous fellowship and my anonymity was always respected . But don't let it stop you getting the help you need .

Remember you have nothing to lose. Keep getting to those meetings .

Carpet diem · 19-10-2014 09:18PM

Main thing is keep picking yourself back up

Hope all is well today. As realises Saud today is the only day to worry about!

Time to change my life around for the better minus drink.

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